Conscious Sexuality - A Peek Inside the Mind of a Girl that Thinks like a Guy

[gingerbaker]

I have often been told that I think about sex "like a guy" - especially by guys! While within my circle of friends my viewpoint on sexuality is unremarkable, many of the people I meet outside of that are surprised, even shocked, at how easily I will talk about sex. It is very often a factor given to me when people explain what they find attractive about me. With Steve's post on Conscious Sexuality, I thought I would take a moment and explain how I came to have this mindset, and why I feel it is particularly useful for women to embrace.

First off, I was raised in a very liberal family. My mother deliberately made a point from early on that "love and sex are not the same", a theme she thought was tremendously important to avoid the phenomena she witnessed where a girl would lose her virginity to a boyfriend, and then stick around for years longer than she should have because "she loved him" - when really she simply was not able to accept that she could have sex, even enjoy it, but not be in love with that person. That losing her virginity without "love" being the reason did not make her a "bad girl." And indeed, when I did lose my virginity, it was unremarkable - with a boyfriend I was attracted to but certainly had no illusions of being in love with, the sex itself was "eh" at best, and when we broke up a very short time later, I was "upset" for a few weeks but later acknowledged I really wasn't all that put out by it. (And, foreshadowing my future feelings, my biggest concern was this feeling that others held where breaking up meant you no longer contacted each other - I couldn't see why we could not continue to be friends.)

The second thing that helped a great deal was that I didn't have a circle of female friends in high school. I had a few friends (who happened to be female) in the beginning, and later a circle that was mostly guys. Now, I don't mean to knock girl friends in the least, but I think it is not a surprising thing to many people to realize that girls, as a group especially, are much harder on other girls, and that many of the sex-negative judgments made on girls (i.e. calling someone a slut - and that's bad, right?) are made by other girls. Looking back on it, I realize that it was helpful to me to be free of that sort of bias when forming my views on sexuality.

Having the viewpoint of guys clearly on display was also very helpful. While I was always a very flirtatious person, I could be a bit shy. Hearing one of my friends explain to me that guys work "a numbers game" was illuminating (if they use that same stupid line with 100 girls and it works on even 1, what have they lost?) and ultimately inspiring. After all, what did I really lose by approaching someone I liked? In fact it's actually much *easier* to approach a stranger, because there is nothing to lose. You certainly can't jeopardize a friendship is none exists! The worst case scenario is, nothing comes of it, you make someone feel good (getting a compliment is always an ego boost!) and you both walk away, hopefully with a smile. Is that so bad?

Now if you are a straight woman, this is even easier - guys in general are always THRILLED to have a woman approach them. It's really hard to go wrong! As long as you approach it with the right expectations, i.e. you are happy to just say something nice and walk away, you have a pretty fine shot of walking away with a whole lot more. Confidence is sexy! (Of course, I will admit I find it a great deal harder to approach women on the street...but that is what OKCupid is for!)

Now, many of the people you meet this way will be great fun, maybe a very good casual-sex fling, but not end up being a deep connection with you. And that is okay! Some of them may end up surprising you, and becoming closer friends than you might have expected, or alternately just someone that you have one random, wonderful conversation with and maybe never even speak to again. All of these types of interaction can be worthwhile, and by being open to them you will bring a great energy into your life.

Positive sexuality. It's easier than you think!

[bunnyman]

Thank you gingembre.

[aelle]

Gingembre! Come here! Let me give you a big hug! I am so glad to hear from other women with an open, unashamed and empowered view on sex. Views that are their own, too, and not imposed by gender expectations. And how great from your family to enable you to form this positive view right away - I think everyone (except people who marry their first and only partner maybe) realise eventually that love and desire have very little in common, but most of us find that out through avoidable shame and heartbreak...

I don't know if you are thinking "like a man", we seem to have similar views and I definitely identify as female. I think of it more as an unconditionned (or de-conditionned), conscious, positive approach to sexuality.

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by aelle

I don't know if you are thinking "like a man", we seem to have similar views and I definitely identify as female. I think of it more as an unconditionned (or de-conditionned), conscious, positive approach to sexuality.

Oh absolutely! I mostly used that reference because it's something that other peopel can relate more quickly, i.e. they are more used to hearing an empowered view of sex from a guy (and how others have often described my mindset). And certainly "society" expects that guys are the ones to make the first move, etc. - silly really, how can anyone expect to get what they want if they are too afraid to ask for it? And I definitely identify as female though really I think gender can be pretty fluid (I just have never felt the need to worry about it personally).

I wish more women would approach sexuality the way you and I do! I am always a bit surprised when I hear from others (male and female) how I am so "unusual" in how "open" I am about sex. It bewilders me, frankly. But my thoughts on how "normal" as a set point gets continually redefined by exposure to "otherness" over time is fodder for another post.

Glad you liked it! I have been encouraged recently to start a blog or somesuch regarding sexuality, and I am giving serious thought to it. So feedback is much appreciated!

[polyfulcrum]

Yes, I am also one of those weird women that likes sex, sexuality and all of the fun pleasures associated! I didn't come from an accepting family background, so it's taken a little work to get here and deprogram myself.

What you were saying about people being surprised at your openness resonated with me too. At this point, I tend to surround myself with those who share similar viewpoints, so it can be a shock to the system to be out amongst the "normal" people. I don't know if I pass for normal well anymore...

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by polyfulcrum

I don't know if I pass for normal well anymore...

Yes, I am sooo going to write something about this! It's such a startling thing sometimes, to say something casually and then realize it's been something of a shock to the person I am conversing with. "Wait...you *don't* say things like ****** ***** **** during sex??"

[aelle]

Originally Posted by gingembre

Glad you liked it! I have been encouraged recently to start a blog or somesuch regarding sexuality, and I am giving serious thought to it. So feedback is much appreciated!

I would love to read that. I take it from your first post that you are bi or bi-curious? Most of the sex positive material and discussions out there seem to come from the kink or LGBT communities, and as much as I love seeing people embrace their natural preferences (with consenting partners obviously) and enjoy reading about expressions of desires that may not be mine, I would also appreciate stuff that applies more directly to my boring hetero monogamous ways

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by aelle

I would love to read that. I take it from your first post that you are bi or bi-curious? Most of the sex positive material and discussions out there seem to come from the kink or LGBT communities, and as much as I love seeing people embrace their natural preferences (with consenting partners obviously) and enjoy reading about expressions of desires that may not be mine, I would also appreciate stuff that applies more directly to my boring hetero monogamous ways

I am bi - and poly and kinky, though being poly did not happen until relatively recently. But that doesn't mean that things I write/think/feel have no value for you :-). Really if anything I am trying to write in a way that explains how I got "here" from "there"...as with many things I am now into that formerly seemed waaaay "out there" to me, it did not happen overnight, and some of those things (not at all sexuality-oriented) I would never have believed I would be doing today LOL.

Also, anything I write you can easily substitute gender on. I do something similar when I read Flylady stuff (a really helpful thing for me to keep my home-life together!) - her references to "God Breezes" can leave me a little cold, but they are easy to overlook in the face of the other extremely helpful things she says.

I think part of the reason there is more acceptance of sexuality in the LBGT communities is that, once you are already on the fringe, to do something else on teh fringe becomes easier. Also, many with non-hetero orientations have had their sexuality thrust front and center in their life, even if they would prefer not to - thus there may be more of a tendancy to process it rather than ignore it, since it's already out there.

[Andrew Gubb]

I LOVED the OP. Thanks Ginger!

I have a lot of shame issues around sex... no, I have relatively few compared to others, but that's still too much for me. I just want to be ****ing natural, and it helps to hear from a lady who doesn't keep up the façade that sex is unnatural.

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

I LOVED the OP. Thanks Ginger!

I have a lot of shame issues around sex... no, I have relatively few compared to others, but that's still too much for me. I just want to be ****ing natural, and it helps to hear from a lady who doesn't keep up the façade that sex is unnatural.

So funny that I saw this comment right after posting about my daughters and their fondness for masturbation Natural, indeed!

I'm really glad you liked the post! I am going to write one re: "normal" and how that reference changes for people over time, will post it tmrw. Hope you like it!

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by gingembre

So funny that I saw this comment right after posting about my daughters and their fondness for masturbation Natural, indeed!

I'm really glad you liked the post! I am going to write one re: "normal" and how that reference changes for people over time, will post it tmrw. Hope you like it!

Cool!

[youngmetropoly]

Originally Posted by gingembre

I have been encouraged recently to start a blog or somesuch regarding sexuality, and I am giving serious thought to it. So feedback is much appreciated!

Let me know if you plan on doing this. I would be interested in reading it (and giving you some free advertising through my site)

~ Another gal that 'thinks like a guy'

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by youngmetropoly

Let me know if you plan on doing this. I would be interested in reading it (and giving you some free advertising through my site)

~ Another gal that 'thinks like a guy'

That would be excellent! :-) A very brief glance at your blog tells me I will absolutely be back to read more tomorrow - it looks fabulous!

[Kura Ookami]

The expectations of society really make no sense. If a girl does what she wants to do for her own reasons she's supposedly got no self respect.

If she wants to be an executive in a company and not have children, she'll be criticised for that. Her own mother will say "Why don't you get married and have children?" It's a prison for women.

We need more empowered women like you gingembre

[fitx3]

Originally Posted by gingembre

I have been encouraged recently to start a blog or somesuch regarding sexuality, and I am giving serious thought to it. So feedback is much appreciated!

Do it! Do it! I'll subscribe!

[gingerbaker]

Life and the Easy Button OK so it's a start - I'll add more this week! Advice on Wordpress much appreciated.

[Manomanman]

Why is this the first time I've read a post like this by a female? Are you the only girl on the planet who gets this?

Please marry me.

[aelle]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

Why is this the first time I've read a post like this by a female? Are you the only girl on the planet who gets this?

Please marry me.

I'm glad to hear a conscious sex-positive life is appreciated and respected by men. I know it is best for me, I suspect it would be best for all women, I love to have confirmation it's all good for guys too.
You know, Manomanman, you (and other men here of course) can absolutely contribute to making this mindset easier on girls. Most girls who err on the side of sex-positive aren't outspoken, loud or obvious about it because society at large isn't sex positive at all when it comes to women. We're afraid of being called sluts, of receiving sleazy comments and jokes, uncalled for proposals and maybe worse. We've heard so many times that assault victims were asking for it, after all. We're afraid the crowd that values "purity" over choice might get violent about it.
Keep sending the message that you respect and appreciate women regardless of their sexual choices, keep sending the message that anything less than that isn't acceptable and you will see many more women in the world similar to those who posted in this thread.

[gingerbaker]

Originally Posted by aelle

Keep sending the message that you respect and appreciate women regardless of their sexual choices, keep sending the message that anything less than that isn't acceptable and you will see many more women in the world similar to those who posted in this thread.

Aelle, I just wanted to say that I agree with every bit of your response (although I personally am not particularly quiet about being sex positive, as you may be able to tell!).

Also, if you're interested I wrote another post. On understanding kink, this time. Kink - What’s with ___? « Life and the Easy Button (I've written some other posts as well, on raw food rather than sexuality.)

[bluemoon]

gingembre, love the OP! Although I personally am in a monogamous relationship, I definitely think that women would be much better off-more comfortable with themselves and relationships- if they thought about sex the way you do.

[spirit4711]

Some cool ladies in this thread, anyone free for a date?

Seriously, @Gingembre, great post, and yes, I love it when a woman comes up to me and talk! Wish there were more women who did that. Must be a spiritual lesson in there for me I guess.

Thanks for posting!