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twinklestar257 · 02-03-2009, 05:09 PM

hi!

Im in a 3 and a 1/2 month relationship with a guy who feels like the perfect person. We have same values, same beliefs, similare goals, aims etc., we feel comfortable talking about anything and are deeply emotionally and physically connected.

Unfortunatley every rose has its thorns... although i've no doubt that the guy is right for me, at present we are experiencing a problem which is really making me feel drained out of energy. There is this other guy who is in the same course as us, and he keeps smiling and stairing at me. Although i make a big effort to look the otherway round and not maintain eye contact, he is pretty much pissing off my boyfriend.

Although my boy friend is aware that i am totally faithful to him, the fact that this other guy is always trying to get to me is frustrating him... and me too! Any conversations we have regarding problems is always linked to this guy! Although i understand that it is essential to talk about the situation, im aware that its leaving the both of us drained out, leaving us less time for studying and intimite connection. This is resulting in a cascade reaction.

I really do believe im with the right guy and that things could really work out, but i need advice on how to improve things. Although i feel really connected to my boy friend, at present our relationship is having a negative effect on our goals and ambitions. I no longer have much energy to study and be ambitious to reach my dreams.

How can i turn this thing around? How can i solve this problem? (i feel helpless since it seems like nothing my boyfriend or i can ever solve it... its more related to whether that idiot stops or not!) How can i reset my path to reach my goals?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks

Angela · 02-03-2009, 05:24 PM

Personally, I think 3.5 months is too soon to be in a committed monogamous relationship, but that's just me.

The solution to your problem is not contingent upon the "idiot stopping." It is up to you to take on a way of being that works well in your relationship, regardless of what the "idiot" does. There will likely be a string of people who will try to catch your eye or your sweetheart's; what you make it mean is what will determine how happy your relationship is.

If I were you, I would ask BF: "What can I do to have you feeling safe and peaceful in this relationship?" and then listen generously to what he has to say. There is something you are currently not hearing, and that's why the problem persists.

Listen.

twinklestar257 · 02-03-2009, 05:34 PM

I had asked him what would make him feel more secure, and he had told me to not carry on with that other guy, eg. by not smiling back at him. He does trust me, and is quite confident that i wont ever choose that other guy over him. Despite all this, the actions the othe guy is doing still frustrates him (and i dont blame him... id probably feel quite the same). He's aware that I cant do much to stop the other guy, but that doesnt solve anything.

Angela · 02-03-2009, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinklestar257

I had asked him what would make him feel more secure, and he had told me to not carry on with that other guy, eg. by not smiling back at him. He does trust me, and is quite confident that i wont ever choose that other guy over him. Despite all this, the actions the othe guy is doing still frustrates him (and i dont blame him... id probably feel quite the same). He's aware that I cant do much to stop the other guy, but that doesnt solve anything.

Have you stopped carrying on with, eg smiling at, this other guy?

SimonaRich · 02-03-2009, 06:02 PM

I don't understand why you let that drain you. Obviously your bf has some insecurities and I would just leave him alone to sort that out, if I was you. You should not suffer because of his insecurities.

Try to explain to him that his ruining your life with his dramas and that you think it's better for him to re-think what he is doing if he wants to stay with you.

Probably you would not listen to my advice but if you don't than you will keep being drained off your energy.

jaamkie · 02-03-2009, 07:02 PM

another idea... and I only question because this seems such a silly issue, if there's nothing more to it I don't see how it continues to fester... DO you in some way enjoy the other guy smiling at you and/or encourage it? not that you have to go pursue him, but maybe there's some trait about him that you'd like in your current relationship? maybe you enjoy the attention out of feeling unfufilled/ignored in some way by your boyfriend? maybe you use the issue to keep your boyfriend a bit jealous and therefore showing that he's committed to you and cares that you're faithful to him? I'd try to take a closer look at how you think/feel about the two guys, and see if there isn't something deeper going on... ?

02-03-2009, 05:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
twinklestar257 Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 16	could really do with some help regarding relationships! hi! Im in a 3 and a 1/2 month relationship with a guy who feels like the perfect person. We have same values, same beliefs, similare goals, aims etc., we feel comfortable talking about anything and are deeply emotionally and physically connected. Unfortunatley every rose has its thorns... although i've no doubt that the guy is right for me, at present we are experiencing a problem which is really making me feel drained out of energy. There is this other guy who is in the same course as us, and he keeps smiling and stairing at me. Although i make a big effort to look the otherway round and not maintain eye contact, he is pretty much pissing off my boyfriend. Although my boy friend is aware that i am totally faithful to him, the fact that this other guy is always trying to get to me is frustrating him... and me too! Any conversations we have regarding problems is always linked to this guy! Although i understand that it is essential to talk about the situation, im aware that its leaving the both of us drained out, leaving us less time for studying and intimite connection. This is resulting in a cascade reaction. I really do believe im with the right guy and that things could really work out, but i need advice on how to improve things. Although i feel really connected to my boy friend, at present our relationship is having a negative effect on our goals and ambitions. I no longer have much energy to study and be ambitious to reach my dreams. How can i turn this thing around? How can i solve this problem? (i feel helpless since it seems like nothing my boyfriend or i can ever solve it... its more related to whether that idiot stops or not!) How can i reset my path to reach my goals? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks

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02-03-2009, 05:24 PM	#2 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	Personally, I think 3.5 months is too soon to be in a committed monogamous relationship, but that's just me. The solution to your problem is not contingent upon the "idiot stopping." It is up to you to take on a way of being that works well in your relationship, regardless of what the "idiot" does. There will likely be a string of people who will try to catch your eye or your sweetheart's; what you make it mean is what will determine how happy your relationship is. If I were you, I would ask BF: "What can I do to have you feeling safe and peaceful in this relationship?" and then listen generously to what he has to say. There is something you are currently not hearing, and that's why the problem persists. Listen.

02-03-2009, 05:34 PM	#3 (permalink)
twinklestar257 Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 16	I had asked him what would make him feel more secure, and he had told me to not carry on with that other guy, eg. by not smiling back at him. He does trust me, and is quite confident that i wont ever choose that other guy over him. Despite all this, the actions the othe guy is doing still frustrates him (and i dont blame him... id probably feel quite the same). He's aware that I cant do much to stop the other guy, but that doesnt solve anything.

02-03-2009, 06:02 PM	#5 (permalink)
SimonaRich Banned Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 912	I don't understand why you let that drain you. Obviously your bf has some insecurities and I would just leave him alone to sort that out, if I was you. You should not suffer because of his insecurities. Try to explain to him that his ruining your life with his dramas and that you think it's better for him to re-think what he is doing if he wants to stay with you. Probably you would not listen to my advice but if you don't than you will keep being drained off your energy.

02-03-2009, 07:02 PM	#6 (permalink)
jaamkie Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: USA Posts: 335	another idea... and I only question because this seems such a silly issue, if there's nothing more to it I don't see how it continues to fester... DO you in some way enjoy the other guy smiling at you and/or encourage it? not that you have to go pursue him, but maybe there's some trait about him that you'd like in your current relationship? maybe you enjoy the attention out of feeling unfufilled/ignored in some way by your boyfriend? maybe you use the issue to keep your boyfriend a bit jealous and therefore showing that he's committed to you and cares that you're faithful to him? I'd try to take a closer look at how you think/feel about the two guys, and see if there isn't something deeper going on... ?

Personal Development for Smart PeopleTM Forums

Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums