Have a boyfriend but I've 'met' someone else..

[Ciara Laine]

Hi, I've never posted here before but I was searching around looking for some dating advice and found this forum to be very articulate and informative. So I'm hoping I can get some advice from intelligent outsiders on my situation. Here goes... (sorry if this is pretty long, but it's a long story)

Ok, I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We met through a mutual friend and he asked me out the very next day. The first three months of our relationship were awesome. I was so excited to have finally met someone that seemed to meet my criteria of a perfect mate. He had similar religious values, good job, great family, into sports (like me), etc. I thought this guy was IT for me.

Not long after the 3 month mark, I started noticing some personality traits that I wasn't too fond of. I discovered that he has an explosive temper. He blew up at me in the car one day and it took me completely off guard. He was over it like 30 seconds later, but it affected me for a lot longer. He also suffers from low self esteem and depression. He is SO hard on himself. As I mentioned, he plays sports, and he's a pretty good athlete. But when he loses a game, he is so miserable. He blames himself for the loss, even though he plays on a team, not an individual sport. He says things like he hates himself and his life sucks.

These things have had a huge effect on our relationship. It's been frustrating for me to watch him struggle with depression and anger issues. From what I can tell, talking to his family, he's been like this for most of his life. I find it odd that he's like this because his parents are the most amazing, caring, supportive people I've ever met.

Anyway, the reason we've stayed together this long is because he really does have a good heart...and while I am very frustrated with the effect his personal problems have on me, I know what kind of person he is inside and I keep hoping that he can change.

However, we've had some huge bumps along the way, resulting in us breaking up (for a period of a few days) 3 separate times throughout our relationship. During the last time this happened (2 months ago), I went online and joined a dating site. I never met anyone on there, or even really talked to anyone. And shortly thereafter, my boyfriend and I got back together, so I kind of forgot about it. A couple of weeks ago I logged into my account and saw a request from someone who had read my profile and wanted to chat. I checked out his profile and he sounded like a person I'd be interested in. He, like my bf, seemed to have everything going for him that I'd always wanted in a mate. So I accepted the request and chatted with him. I felt SO guilty about doing it, but after talking to this guy for even 10 minutes, I felt instant chemistry. We have talked on the phone a few times too and I really enjoy talking to him. He is funny, intelligent and we have great conversations. While my bf is loving, caring and sweet...he doesn't stimulate me intellectually and our conversations are very vanilla, and we don't often laugh together (outside of watching funny movies).

So onto my problem... this guy wants to meet me. I feel extremely guilty about meeting him behind my boyfriend's back. But I also feel that if I don't meet this guy, I may forever wonder if I could have been happier with him than I could ever be with my current boyfriend. My bf has been making attempts to be a better person for me, especially this past month. And I must admit that things have improved with us. That's what is making this so hard. If this had happened 2 months ago, there would be no hesitation to meet this other man. But I see how my bf is really trying to make things better. I know he really loves me. Plus, I am very involved with his family and while I probably shouldn't bring that into consideration, it is playing a role in my decision here. I also have concern for how a break up would affect him. Given his history of low self esteem and depression, I know this would do serious damage to him. I love him and care about him and would never want to see him hurt like that. But I feel like I may be giving up an opportunity to find true happiness with someone else...

Again, sorry this is so long. But if you've read this much, I'm hoping you have some thoughts and opinions that might help me. Thank you.

[magi13]

If you plan to be with the other guy, let your boy friend know and be clear.
If you want to be with your bf, tell the other guy off and be clear.
If you want both of them, they both have to know and you have to introduce them to each other and hope they'd agree to share you. (polyamory) but this in turn will make your relationship an open one.
My suggestion is that when you're looking for a relationship, be sure it'll be for a long term cause.
Sometimes you can't have both.

Good luck and have no regrets, but be responsible.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Rather than advice I have a simple question: Do you want to be a person who acts with integrity or not?

Integrity does not mean you stay with your current partner. It does mean that you are honest with him.

[magi13]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Rather than advice I have a simple question: Do you want to be a person who acts with integrity or not?

Integrity does not mean you stay with your current partner. It does mean that you are honest with him.

good point

[danas]

I admit I was in a similar situation. I had a bf I was very hesitant about.
I met someone very cool walking down the street, a handsome musician.
I told the musician I had a bf, but he wanted my # anyway.
So I gave it to him... Felt very guilty when he started texting me.

I did something a bit cheeky- I asked my bf what would HE do if he met a good looking women on the street, and told her he had a gf- would he have a coffee with her? He said yes, after he told her that he wasnt available.
So thats what I did... I met this guy for coffee a few times- and this only made me see that I loved my bf and this other guy despite his good looks, wasnt for me at all. A while after concluded, I told my bf what I had done, it hurt him and was pretty upset, but he accepted it.
But your situation is a bit different. I suggest, If you are very hestitant about your current guy (and its not to do with this new guy), I think you should tell your bf you need a break to get clearer on how you feel. Then you can meet this new guy and youll have the distance to see whom you want to be with, its a risk of course b/c your bf may not be there afterwards- but whats yours is yours...

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by Ciara Laine

I felt SO guilty about doing it, but after talking to this guy for even 10 minutes, I felt instant chemistry. We have talked on the phone a few times too and I really enjoy talking to him. He is funny, intelligent and we have great conversations. While my bf is loving, caring and sweet...he doesn't stimulate me intellectually and our conversations are very vanilla, and we don't often laugh together (outside of watching funny movies).

If you cheat on him and he finds out, that's going to hurt his self-esteem much more than if you just sit down and talk to him. It probably won't be that bad, either. Just tell him that he doesn't stimulate you, and ask him if something's wrong. If I were your partner I would much rather have a very frank conversation, than to have you cheat on me. It's just a million gazillion times better. You have the right to tell him what's on your mind, and in my personal opinion he has the right to hear it. If you want to go with the other guy, then do so! It's your life, and it's your choice. But first, in my opinion, you have to make a decision regarding your current boyfriend. A very frank discussion first, and then try to make up your mind.

[ssandra]

Hi,

Regardless of the other person, you don't really seem to give any good reasons why you would stay with your current bf.

You say he has been making improvements, you are involved with his family, you are afraid that he will get more depressed, but never if you still care for him as a lover... (love him, care for him etc)

I would suggest that you first get that strait, and after see what you want to do with your relationship.

And I agree with what has been said before. Going behind his back will hurt him more then talking to him and even breaking up if it really is not the right person for you.

Good luck, whatever your choice will be.

Sandra

[tintin]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Hi,

You say he has been making improvements, you are involved with his family, you are afraid that he will get more depressed, but never if you still care for him as a lover... (love him, care for him etc)

I would suggest that you first get that strait, and after see what you want to do with your relationship.

Sandra

id agree wi the above.
why dont you tell the other guy what youre going thru?could you tell him to wait a bit while you sort this out or some such thing?
also 3 n a half months is too short to really decide on being committed if you know in your heart that hes the one..then why hurry?wait it out.wheres the emergency?
take a pause.and find yourself first ,a bit?

[Ciara Laine]

Thank you for everyone's advice. As hard as it is to hear that you're being an idiot, sometimes you need that reminder from an objective 3rd party.

Update to this situation...I ended up asking my boyfriend for a break. I explained to him that there were a number of things about our relationship that I was unhappy about and felt that he wasn't making any effort to help make those things better. He begged me not to leave because he didn't think I would come back. I felt very bad about leaving it that way, and hurting him.

I told the 'new guy' that I hadn't been upfront with him...and that I actually had a boyfriend when we started talking. It was a hard thing to do but I felt relieved after I told him. He wasn't impressed with that, but expressed that he still wanted to pursue getting to know me because he feels there is real potential between us. He'd just like to take things a little slower to make sure he doesn't become the rebound guy, or get involved in some kind of love triangle. To my surprise, I had a hard time expressing the same eagerness for pursuing some kind of relationship with this guy than I originally thought I had. I was more overcome with guilt and sadness about leaving my boyfriend.

I felt more confused than ever. I came to work and to my surprise found an email waiting from my boyfriend. It was the most genuine, articulate, heart-felt thing he's ever shared with me. He addressed every issue that I felt was a problem and stated a very strong case to convince me that he's making an effort to work on these things. I was so relieved and happy! I had such respect and admiration for him because he was finally able to share something real with me! I feel like the grinch and my heart just grew 3 sizes for him For the first time in a long time, I feel optimistic about a future with him and am exciting to start working on our relationship together. It kinda sucks that it took such a dramatic event like this to make such a leap in our relationship, but if that's what we needed, then I'm glad for it.

There's still the matter of letting the other guy know that I am going back to my boyfriend and do not want to continue talking to him. I know he's going to be hurt and angry. I feel a little bad about that, but not nearly as bad as I did about hurting my boyfriend.

Thanks again to everyone for weighing in. Cheers!

[danas]

Im happy for you!

Originally Posted by Ciara Laine

It kinda sucks that it took such a dramatic event like this to make such a leap in our relationship,

Often this is what is needed, either brings you closer or brings you apart.

All the best

[tintin]

thats great claire lane !
but Do look into the dynamics of it.
like for instance why did it have to take a dramatic event to make you come back?
does it mean that the communication needs to be upped?
or that it was the comfort of a known vs unknown
was it the guilt?
do you have to/did you resort to drama to make your bf take a closer look


im sorry for raining on your parade.
why i bring this up is that a pattern can easily be created of this tho sometimes this very 'drama' gets you sizzling again
if that is so ,mite be good to be aware of it.you as well as him.
i love drama in my love life..else it seems like kinda.wilted.
but after the 1st few times of unconsciously creating one.and going full circle and landing back in his arms all romance and roses i realized that i do this very purposely.getting too secure?time for a spin.
after questioning myself -why? i realized that inside im secure.but the growth has come to a grinding halt..commmme on! theres more to me and more to you than what we know so far!are you telling me that you know what makes me tick! and am i feeling sated as if i ve got you all figured out?! na-uh not!
tho the dramas have lessened a lot since i realized i dont need them! i sizzle anyway and so does he..but when i do indulge in em once in a while i know i am doing it and he has an inkling too.
heres the thing with dramas- you never quite get the feel of the relationship cause its in a state of emegency! oh its real alright but the primary attraction is pulled out of the moth balls and once the emergency is over back they go in bubble wrap.and ure right back where you started pre emergency.
ofcourse it does not have to be that way

[iqthaliusimus]

WOW.

So all of your little break ups were just for "a few days", and you are already starting up dating profiles!?

What is going on with that? Afraid to be alone much?

I guess to each their own. I personally would not value you for a relationship because you demonstrate that you are not loyal, faithful, or that you are able to be alone.

Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy with some issues, but at least honesty is not one of them. You even said that in the past month, he was really making a lot of effort, then you said you broke up with him because he wasn't really trying.

You LIED to him. You didn't want a "break". You wanted to get your kicks on with some other guy. You are a branch swinger, just swinging back and forth on branches like a monkey.

But oh poor you, your bf has some "anger issues" and you aren't stimulated, so that justifies what you have done.

If you have issues in your COMMITTED relationship, then work on it, or cut it off. Don't go shopping around when you have given your commitment to someone. The worst part is you didn't even meet the other guy by chance, you actually went out and sought other men by creating a dating profile.

It wasn't some "drastic event" either. You pretty much lied and damn near cheated, and then realized what a catch your bf is, AFTER you already put your toe in someone else's water.

Gosh, I could go on but I think you get the point.

[tintin]

Originally Posted by iqthaliusimus

WOW.

So all of your little break ups were just for "a few days", and you are already starting up dating profiles!?

What is going on with that? Afraid to be alone much?

I guess to each their own. I personally would not value you for a relationship because you demonstrate that you are not loyal, faithful, or that you are able to be alone.

Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy with some issues, but at least honesty is not one of them. You even said that in the past month, he was really making a lot of effort, then you said you broke up with him because he wasn't really trying.

You LIED to him. You didn't want a "break". You wanted to get your kicks on with some other guy. You are a branch swinger, just swinging back and forth on branches like a monkey.

But oh poor you, your bf has some "anger issues" and you aren't stimulated, so that justifies what you have done.

If you have issues in your COMMITTED relationship, then work on it, or cut it off. Don't go shopping around when you have given your commitment to someone. The worst part is you didn't even meet the other guy by chance, you actually went out and sought other men by creating a dating profile.

It wasn't some "drastic event" either. You pretty much lied and damn near cheated, and then realized what a catch your bf is, AFTER you already put your toe in someone else's water.

Gosh, I could go on but I think you get the point.

ouch!
hard truth
you seem to be pretty hard on yourself Iq

i understand the importance of doing 'the right thing' but its not always clear.
instead of bashing oneself up about the ethical-ness of it acknowledging that there was a NEED in the 1st place to go "branch swinging"

[tintin]

ok Iq.gotcha.

[cylon]

This is how most relationships end, the woman secures a new guy first, then leaves the guy she's with. She's not going to dump the guy without a back-up. You can get mad at the OP like she's a unique case but this is just how it is. This type of thing should be predictable for men, they should see it coming beforehand, not be all indignant and high and mighty when they realize too late they couldn't hold onto their woman. Case in point, the poster who said she asked her bf what he would have done if he met a girl and she asked him out for coffee. If I heard that, I would know the relationship was over. That was the signal. Also if a girl wants a break from the relationship, what are you losing then? A bad relationship? If she wants out, let her go.

Why would you go back to someone who says "I don't want to be with you right now". Why not just beat yourself over the head with a 2x4. The guy had it coming. Honesty is the best policy but don't hold your breath.

[Ciara Laine]

ok, iq... I fully admit that talking to that other guy was wrong. But here are a few facts that were left out of the story... the relationship was not all sunshine and roses before that. I did not go out and set up a dating profile after just one little spat! The reasons we had broken up before were because... a. he had cheated on me once (just kissed another girl, but still) and b. he had done the same thing i was just doing, talking/flirting inappropriately with some girl he works with.

I'm not telling you this to justify what I did. The "He did it so I can do it too!" argument. Two wrongs do not make a right. I'm just stating that we've obviously had our share of problems. But something has kept us together through all of this. All I can say is that I know we are both committed to working on this right now and I am very much looking forward to that. If it still doesn't work out in the end, at least we'll be able to say we gave it a good shot.

[Yynatago]

Hi Ciara Laine,

Originally Posted by Ciara Laine

But something has kept us together through all of this.

Was it love? Or was it fear of being lonely?

From Yynatago

[iqthaliusimus]

Thanks for being so honest, OP. I understand what you are saying. But remember, when you do one action, regardless of why, it speaks on YOU only. YOUR character. Keep that in mind.

I would like to know if people found my post to be INSULTING or just HONEST, albeit slightly abrasive. Just wondering because I got an email PM'ed "warning" for being insulting. In general, I do not sugarcoat my negative opinions, but I did not call anyone names or actually insult, unless you consider "I would not consider you this that and the third, and here is why", an insult.

As a community of intelligent individuals, I would like to know if negative opinions must be highly sugar coated. I find sugar coating to be more insulting than honesty, as an intelligent person. Opinions highly desired on this!

[tintin]

Originally Posted by iqthaliusimus

Thanks for being so honest, OP. I understand what you are saying. But remember, when you do one action, regardless of why, it speaks on YOU only. YOUR character. Keep that in mind.

I would like to know if people found my post to be INSULTING or just HONEST, albeit slightly abrasive. Just wondering because I got an email PM'ed "warning" for being insulting. In general, I do not sugarcoat my negative opinions, but I did not call anyone names or actually insult, unless you consider "I would not consider you this that and the third, and here is why", an insult.

As a community of intelligent individuals, I would like to know if negative opinions must be highly sugar coated. I find sugar coating to be more insulting than honesty, as an intelligent person. Opinions highly desired on this!

you are so refreshing!
i appreciate your brand of telling it like how it is..you remind me of violent acres.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by iqthaliusimus

In general, I do not sugarcoat my negative opinions, but I did not call anyone names or actually insult...

It's not necessary or even desirable to sugarcoat your opinions or withhold them. On these forums, however, we do strictly enforce a rule regarding mutual respect, which, if you break it, you will be warned about, and if the breaking continues, will lead to banning.

If you are unclear about why your post was deleted or why you were warned, please let me or any of the other moderators know, and we'll clarify via PM.

Exercise good judgment, reasonableness, and mutual respect - This is a community for smart people who share an interest in personal growth, so please treat it as such. Personal attacks and name-calling as well as profane, pornographic, racist, sexist, or otherwise demeaning or offensive messages will not be tolerated. Recognize that there's a human being behind every post, and behave accordingly.