Being more "aggressive" with women

[90802]

First, I don’t think aggressive is the right word. I think I mean being better able to initiate. I’m really clueless, and I know I’ve missed a hell of a lot of hanky panky because of it. I guess it ultimately comes down to a confidence issue. I think my subconscious thinking must’ve been something like “why would this woman be interested in me?” I mean, she basically has to jump in my lap and rip off my clothes before I get it.

I think my biggest fear is looking like a fool. What if I go in for the smooch and she turns away, then ask me what the hell is wrong with me? I mean, I know I’m ****ing up, because I have to wait for the women to initiate, and there doesn’t seem to be many women that like to initiate. Well, even if plenty of women do initiate, it’s something I need to get control of.

Hmm, this is rather embarrassing. Ah well, maybe there’s another bonehead out there who thought of posting the same thing, but didn’t want to look stupid. Hey buddy, you owe me one

I’ll post more info if needed. How do I get over this fear of major embarrassment?

[ns123]

The thing about becoming effective about initiating conversations with women is really about being comfortable in your own skin. The most attractive thing, for me anyway, is when a man is comfortable with himself and not worried about what I might think. And he's funny.

So... what is it that you are wanting to get out of initiating contact with the opposite sex? Are you wanting to just get laid? Are you wanting a LLTMBR, and if you get laid in the process, that's a good bonus feature?

There are ways to initiating conversations to just get laid (see the PUA community). But there are also ways to initiating conversations that will help lead to a LLTMBR too. Both of those ways entail being comfortable with yourself.

I hope that helps.

[Angela]

(LLTMBR = Loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship).

[MidasGirl]

I think my biggest fear is looking like a fool. What if I go in for the smooch and she turns away, then ask me what the hell is wrong with me? I mean, I know I’m ****ing up, because I have to wait for the women to initiate, and there doesn’t seem to be many women that like to initiate. Well, even if plenty of women do initiate, it’s something I need to get control of.

Hmm, this is rather embarrassing.

It was interesting when Steve compared this phenomenon the other day to public speaking, because I never could understand why on earth some guys can have this seeming irrational fear of women. But I get it because I am working on the public speaking issue. I don't freeze up or throw up or anything, but my nerves do get pretty raw just at the prospect of it.

But I've come to realize it has to do with not wanting to look bad in front of "whatever number of people". So what I've done is made peace with looking bad. I remind myself I aint "all that" anyway, so why try to pretend I am? And then I remind myself the people I'm dying to impress aren't "all that" either, even if they are all pretending to be. And I remind myself that the more judgmental a person is, the more mental they are.

So, stop worrying about embarrassing yourself. Guess what? Everybody shits. Even the most gorgeous girl you've ever met. And her poop smells.......well........like ****. Think of that the next time you are afraid to talk to her.

Added: The key is to stop pretending to the world that you are this incredible person that never screws up. If you don't screw up or never do embarrassing or humiliating things, why would anyone want to be with you? That would mean you're perfect, and who wants to be with a perfect arsehole?

[90802]

Ya know, I’ve done open mike nights a few times. I mean, I think I’m more comfortable being in front of others, making an ass out of myself with my singing instead of approaching a woman and feeling like an *******.

Also, two points:

1.Approaching women is a problem, but then again, approaching people in general is a problem.

2.I initially posted because of my fear of making sexual advances and being shot down, but I guess I can’t even get started on making advances if I can’t start a conversation

Ns123-

Ya know, being comfortable in my own skin is a problem. I want to blame it on my weight (I’ve ballooned a lot over the years), but I think it’s much more than that. Even when I was young and slim, I felt the same way. I mean, I’m entirely too old for this ****!

My temptation is to throw off the socializing skills until I have other things where I want them. Like my health, finances, etc. Problem is, I know I’ll always be able to think of something else to work on. So, I’m just really confused and don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just suck it up and do what I’m afraid of the most. Ugh, I feel a little sick just thinking about it

Oh, yeah, I definitely want some sweet loving. I do want a long term relationship, just not sure when. It may sound silly, but I kind of want to get this under control before I move into a serious relationship. I don’t want to have to start from scratch after a relationship ends. So yes, I’m after much more than just getting laid.

Midas-

Public speaking was also rough for me, and it’s not something I’ve perfected, but it’s still easier than approaching a woman. Bizarre eh? I guess you can’t expect everyone in a crowd to appreciate your message, so it doesn’t bother you if you see a few people looking bored, annoyed, etc. Being one on one with someone makes the rejection hurt a hell of a lot more.

Ok, must get back to work. Thanks for the feedback, looking forward to more!

[MidasGirl]

Being one on one with someone makes the rejection hurt a hell of a lot more.

It makes the rejection hurt because you make it about you. How about realizing that people are hardly thinking about you when they reject you? That they are mostly thinking about themselves? Hell, sometimes they are even just having a bad day, so cut them some slack.

But most importantly, how about getting clear on what exactly it is you have to offer a woman. If you have nothing to offer them, then surely even you would agree that they should just move on to someone else that has something to offer them right? (and I don't mean drinks and jewelry here, although those might not hurt).

But the truth is, you DO have something to offer, you just haven't gotten in touch with it. The truth is, there is a woman out there that is looking for exactly what you have to offer. But ONLY YOU can determine what that is. And by the way, how long are you gonna keep her waiting?

I'd hate to think my guy hadn't gotten in touch with what he has to offer, because I'd be sitting here probably still waiting (sob sob).

[90802]

I need a new way to approach meeting people. I need to develop some new ideas about it, and believe them. Anyone have any good beliefs they feel like sharing?

I am falling into the scarcity trap. I put entirely too much thought into just one person. I’m doing the internet dating thing right now, and I’ll even keep in contact with some gals who I don’t think anything will come out of it. Hmm, I need to try that sentence again. I also need to make some kind of step by step approach to dealing with this.

I do know a few things I have to offer, but I’m not too good at promoting them. I get too timid, put up walls, and it takes someone quite a few meetings to get to know the real me. I need to learn to be me right up front. Yeah, it may turn some people off, but ah well. Anyhow, on to my strengths:

1.Sense of humor- Yes, I know how to bring the funny. Of course, you wouldn’t notice it from reading my post here I’m much more of an inprov, think on my feet kinda guy. You know, the one that has a funny follow up to everything. Yes, my sense of humor is strong, and it’s something that’s very important to me.

2.Creativitey- Of course, this is just a matter of taste, but I think I’m a pretty damn good songwriter. My lyrics even make me feel warm and fuzzy. Well, I think I have a lot of raw talent in this area, and need to work on developing it.

3.Good listener- I mean, real listening, not the staring at tits listening. I dunno, sometimes I feel like a part time psychologist with my friends.

Here’s some things I need to work on:

1.Sharing- Although I’m great at listening, I’m not so great at sharing. I mean, even my good friends don’t know the hell I’ve been through with depression. I used to always complain about it and bring everyone down. Now I’m doing the opposite approach, and not telling anyone. Not sure if either extreme is a good thing.

2.Communicating what I want- Hmm, not sure how to explain this one. Like, if I met some of you from this forum, I’d have an easy time talking to you. Because there would be no pressure, and I’d approach you with friendship in mind. I’m not sure if that’s the best way to approach someone I want to get nekkid with. Or is it?

3.Figuring out when to move on- I don’t know the best way to deal with this. I tend to, well, not get attached, but latch on because I’m afraid I won’t have other options. That damn scarcity thing again. I need to make some sort of standard. Like, if I talk to someone and it looks like it has no potential, drop it right away. I don’t know, I need some feedback on this one…

Oh, other things:

In general, I think I’m pretty good at communicating. I’m good at getting people to talk about themselves, but kinda dread having to talk about myself.

I think I need to get better at being who I am right from the get go. That’s probably more important than I realize.
Another couple of things that bother me:

My weight- yeah, this is a great excuse to keep from getting in the game. I need to work on it and get over it. I always feel it’s better to wait, but if I keep waiting till I’m perfect, I may miss out on too much. It’s hard for me to believe that someone could accept me the way I am. Blech!

Finances- Naw, I’m not in debt, but I’m not nearly at the point I want to be at. I imagine this is another delaying tactic. I guess I’m telling myself a worthy woman couldn’t accept my low earning arse.

Blah, this has turned into a confessions thread. You’ve given me some good advice so far, keep it coming

So, ok, I’ve been doing the IM thing with a few women from an internets dating site. I don’t think any of them hold any real potential. One seems to have lost interest, and the others, I always have to make the first contact. I guess I should delete em all and get on down the road eh?

[bunnyman]

Allow me to recommend this article:

Should You Be Aggressive With Women?
(Warning, the art may not be work-safe.)

[jaamkie]

Some of my beliefs about human relationships:

There is an infinite amount of love in the world, I'm not competing with anyone else for a limted supply.

Men and women, all humans, are fundamentally the same- all at their core want comfort and hapiness and creation, not destruction and misery.

I can connect with a variety of men; when I'm lonely, I can find someone to relate to on some level, there are many other people out there looking to connect, and I just have to remember to open myself up to them.

Each person has their own subjective changeable perception of beauty- given the right circumstances, I can see beauty in anyone, and since everyone is fundamentally the same, given the right circumstances anyone would see beauty in me.

I don't need to impress anyone, my own approval of my actions and lifestyle is all that counts.

In any circumstance, I can choose to be kind, to be caring, to be generous, regardless of what has gone before, and I'm not lessened by choosing the path of kindness and forgiveness rather than fear and retribution.

Everything changes in time- "in the long-run, we're all dead"- there is no point clinging to something that is changing, because eventually it will come to an end no matter what I do to prolong it.

I can choose to change my thought processes, I can choose to be happy when I'm depressed, I can choose to act kind even if I'm feeling selfish, and led by the actions, the corresponding emotions will follow. Also my emotions are changeable, what seems perfect will fall apart, what seems hopeless will become bearable and eventually just part of my past.

[Plato]

There is one foundational belief that will make everything click into place.

Oneness.

How difficult do you find it to talk to a good friend? Not at all. You can be yourself with them. And you can feel that way with everybody, just by being mindful of this principle.

When you walk around look at people as human beings. Feel empathy and connection. You will find yourself talking to people spontaneously, and even more you'll find that your social intuition goes through the roof.