Low Self Esteem Emergency - HELP!

[losty]

I am not innocent innocent in this. I have never, in my life, been the kind of person who raises their voice, but lately I have been doing a lot of screaming. I don't like that I have become a person who does this sort of thing, but I have been driven there out of frustration.

This month alone, my girlfriend has thrown a remote across the room, smashed 3 of my grandmother's plates on the floor, slammed her door so hard the big mirror shattered, threw a full glass of water across the room (shattering it a getting the ceiling & electronics wet & denting the wall). She has also made herself puke 4 or 5 times, and has cut herself three times. One of those times was pretty severe, with tens of cuts all down her arm. She wore long-sleeved shirts for over 2 weeks to hide it.

This happens for a variety of reasons.

First of all, she has major Low Self Esteem issues, at least partially stemming from some abuse that happened between she and her father when she was younger. He abused she and her sister, but she felt like he liked her sister more. He also made comments about her being stupid throughout her youth, despite the fact that she's bloody brilliant.

Last night I said I wanted to look through my photos when she was at work, and that I wanted to be able to watch movie trailers. She doesn't want me to because my photos & trailers *might* contain girls. Which means I would see girls. Which means I could possibly think some of them were not ugly. Which would devastate her.

Her solution has been: You can't do anything where you might encounter girls or representations of girls.

I'm not allowed to watch TV alone, and when we watch it together, if there's a girl on-screen, I'm expected to look away from the screen. If I see the screen for 1 millisecond too long, I get "Why are you staring at her? Do you think she is good looking? What, do you want to have sex with her?" As you can imagine, this is problematic.

She has also made me delete hundreds of photos from high school & university & work, because the shots contained girls. They weren't necessarily photos OF girls. There were just girls somewhere in the photo. I don't have a good memory. Those photos were my memories. But now they're gone...

There has been some success, though. After months of pleading I'm finally able to go to the variety store & the hardware store alone. BUT I get the 3rd degree when I get home. "Were there any girls? Did you look at them? Did you think they were good looking? Did you see any magazines near the checkout?" (I'm not allowed to glance in the direction of magazines either, because they often contain either scantily clad women, or women in dresses, or women looking normal).

The same happens at the end of each work day. "Did you look at any sites today? Any YouTube videos? Were there any girls? Did you look at them? Did you think they were good looking?" For a computer guy who lives on the internet and looks at lots of sites to keep abreast of new trends in technology this is difficult. For a total information addict like me, it's painful to have to justify every URL I visit. She actually sits down at my computer and goes through my browser history. She reads my email, too, to make sure I haven't been chatting with any girls. Which brings me to my next point -- I'm not allowed to ever talk to or see any of my female friends ever again. Nevermind making new friends, I'm not allowed to have old friends. At times in my life, the majority of my friends have been female. Now I have to "not return" their calls & messages. People have just stopped contacting me.

So, back to last night. When she said I couldn't look at my photos or trailers without her, I yelled "I just want to be able to look at MY F'ing photos!". Then she screamed "FINE!", and threw & shattered the glass of water, locked herself in the bathroom, cut her left shoulder, and yelled at me from 10pm - 3am for being a "F'ing B-star A-ole". The word "FINE" was her concession. Despite the fact that shattering & cutting followed, she actually meant it. This is exactly how I got "permission" to go to the variety store & hardware store. There was cutting that time, too. And several times before. This is how she "deals". She thinks I don't appreciate how hard she tries, but I do. It's just that I'm so frustrated. And I try to explain that her trying harder doesn't make me less frustrated. In the long term it will, but not in the short term. Yes, I realize trying is hard for her. But letting me go to the variety store doesn't make up for my not being able to live.

On top of all this, I moved in with her 4 months ago, on our 1 year anniversary. She lived in a different city, so I left my job, and all my friends to be with her. Before I moved in, our sex life was great. But since I moved in, my sex drive has completely disappeared. I feel like I never want to have sex again in my life. Not because it wasn't good, but I've just lost the need. This doesn't help at ALL because she thinks it's because she's ugly. I tell her it's got nothing to do with her looks, and that it's my blood pressure, or my frustration, or my crappy diet, or something else -- which is true! But she won't believe it.

I bought a boat-load of LSE books for us to go through together, and that happened "1 night in a row", and then stopped. Busy schedules plus something she doesn't want to admit = low likelihood of being read. [sigh].

All of this has been taking its toll on me.

I am a very social & adventurous person. I've been all around the world, and met thousands of people, and done lots of crazy-insane things. I've lived with activists, and I have been an activist and fought for other people's rights. Now I can't even buy milk, and I haven't been able to meet a single person in this new city in the 4 months I've been here, because I haven't been in the city. I've been in this house.

I don't know what to do anymore. Every time it happens, I want to run away. But I love her, and don't want to leave her. I don't want this to break us. I have suggested that we could go to counselling together, but she won't hear a word of it. And she made me swear not to tell anyone about this stuff, but this is too big for me to handle alone... so here I am, asking all of you. What should I do? What can I do? Do you have any ideas?

I have no problem accepting that she has LSE, and I can be supportive ad-infinitum, but I do have issues with it completely shutting down my life.

LOSTY

[ala ka]

It sounds like there is more going on than Low Self Esteem! You have to take care of you - first. It sounds like you are being victimized in your relation sip! Are you okay with that? If so, why?

The number one predictor of future behavior is past history. Do you think things will change?

She has to do the work to get better and feel better. You can't! Sorry, probably not what you want to hear!

[Ralph]

The solution is clear to anybody that isn't in love with her. You have to leave, this relationship is ruining your life. By all means try to help her, but first let go of your desperate clinginess to her. Leave the relationship as soon as you can.

Deciding in your head that this has to end helps a lot to follow through. Make the decision to leave right now. Never stay out of pity. Never stay out of fear of loneliness. With her you are more lonely than anywhere in the world.

The purpose of relationship is to share and therefore intensify the experiences. You're supposed to lift each other up, empower and give greater freedom. NOT enslave, make each other miserable and disempowered.

I recently left the GF I loved, mostly because her LSE prevented her from expressing love. This put her into two weeks of strong depression and me on two weeks of successfully masking the misery through NLP. In two months this turned out to be an incredibly empowering decision of mine, we're both so much better off. She's found a boyfriend and she CAN love him this time, I'm free to flirt with whoever I want and boy, I love flirting. Anyways, I'm getting off the point.


What you call loving her is really being in love. She fulfills your needs of X, Y, Z. Perhaps they're needs of intimate connection, maybe something else. Point is, you will be deprived of this source of fulfillment at first adn this is why you don't want to leave. What will soon happen is that you will find another source of fulfillment, maybe through a better relationship, maybe alone. I fulfilled my need of intimate connection by being close to god and universe for a long time. It's all going to be fine

[MidasGirl]

Get her to a psychiatrist, and then run, not walk from this relationship.

[SimonaRich]

This girl is completely ruining her and your life and you don't even see that. Why would you be with someone who restricts you from meeting friends and even watching videos?

That is the most dysfunctional relationship I have ever heard about. That girl really needs medical help, really. You should take her to see a doctor or at least tell her family what she is up to.

If you keep this relationship as it is I can assure you it will end in some accident. You don't want her to accidentally harm herself in a way that is irreversable.

I would really advise you to move out, be without her for at least 3 months and you will see how many other nice people you can meet.

I can assure you that there are many more great women that you can meet who will truly love you without any self esteem issues.

If she would really love you she would not control you. She needs you because of her insecurities. She is needy, not loving.

I cannot believe that you cannot see what damage she does to you. If you would really see that, you would not live with her.

I feel sorry for what you have to go through but keep in mind that this is entirely your choice. And you can choose to end your suffering any time you wish.

Good luck.

[Amandaaa]

She doesn't want me to because my photos & trailers *might* contain girls. Which means I would see girls. Which means I could possibly think some of them were not ugly. Which would devastate her.

^Oh my god, I hate girls like that. She sounds like the most immature person in the world.

I really, genuinely admire you for putting up with a girlfriend like that... I don't know how you do it. But I think that--for the sake of your relationship (and your sanity)--you should move out. This isn't healthy, and it's gonna be a longggg time before it gets better. She needs some therapy.. or a support group or something. (Not because your relationship is bad-- but because she has a serious problem with self-injury, and she needs to make peace with her past. She's definitely not ready to be in a serious relationship right now. )



(What's her email address? I feel like talking to this girl. Maybe I can help her. )

[The NorthStar of Hope]

Originally Posted by Amandaaa

(What's her email address? I feel like talking to this girl. Maybe I can help her. )

Hehehe, I truly felt the same way ..

Seriously !! MAN SERIOUSLY !! WTH is going on in your life!!.
If you were MARRIED to her and have ten kids from her, I still would assume
99.99% of the members will advise you with one of the following options :

BREAK UP with her

Go right now to a psychiatrist and have her fully diagnosed

Tell her to STOP her dysfunctional behavior !

Slap her "lol". No really but force her to stop treating you like a robot or otherwise leave her.

Finally.. All of us here cannot see how by any mean this is a healthy relationship. Having a bad childhood DOESN'T excuse no one to behave this way. Greatest people in history had very bad childhoods .. Simply you need "if you truly TRULY love her" to get it her out of her misery ...


Regards,

[The Cloud]

Wow.

You've allowed this to get way out of hand. What this girl needs is not more support of her dysfunction. If she is in danger of killing or badly injuring herself, she might even need to be committed. But what she really needs is also exactly what you need; for you to be you. For you to make friends and look at women and be a human being. Unless you're in some kind of weird mistress bondage BDSM relationship, this needs to happen. You can't live your life in fear of somebody else's psychological disorders. If she can't handle you as a person rather than as a pillar supporting her distorted self-image, then you may have to let her go with love. If she is not willing to save herself, then you can't do it for her.

[dulaney0330]

I feel for you, I really do. It sounds like you sincerely love your girlfriend and you care about her deeply.

While I am not proud to admit this, I was a lot like your girlfriend. About 3 years ago, my boyfriend admitted to me that he was addicted to porn. I was shocked since I asked him when we began dating if he looked at porn. Obviously, he lied to avoid any conflict.

But, my self-esteem hit a new low. I would ask him almost every day if he looked at porn. When we would go out to the mall and he looked at an attractive woman, I accused him of lusting after her. Watching TV was also a pain for me. Any woman with relative attractiveness was a threat to me. I was making both of our lives miserable and I thought, for a long time, "well if it wasnt for his porn addiction, i wouldn't be this way."

I went to therapy and we worked a lot of things out. I am proud to say that I no longer struggle with these fears and I am much more comfortable around women with my boyfriend around.

Change is possible but she must be willing to work at it. If not, I would not continue a relationship with a person who isn't wiling to change.

Best of luck to you!!

[Holistic Star]

You're in an abusive relationship.

Your needs are not being met, any attempt to do something everyday like go to the shops or watch TV are met with inquisition, and any attempt to be independent is met with violence and emotional blackmail.

Yes she has problems and yes she needs help.


But then so do you. Who are you being that you allow her to dominate you like this? You cave in to her every demand just so there isn't trouble. but there is trouble isn't there. You give in each time, but that doesn't appease her, it just makes her worse.

I feel for you, I know what it is like to be with someone who is bullying you and threatens to hurt themselves if you leave them. What I really wanted was for a friend to give me permission to leave and not feel guilty or responsible for him. If you want permission to leave the situation, then you have it!



There isn't as much help out there for men in abusive relationships as there is for women. Have a look at the manipulator files on this site. It tends to be written as if it is the man doing the emotional blackmail, but just reverse it in your head. Heartless Bitches International - "Deal with it!" Rants you might find some insights there that make you realise the situation. It's way, way bigger than LSE in my opinion. Yes that might be a part of it but fixing this is bigger than you. You can't fix her. You're not a shrink, as a partner that's not your job.


You say you love her - but do you really? You might love her when she's calm and not when she's angry and destructive. But really all the awful stuff is her too. The bad comes with the good you can't just pick and choose.

I doubt you can fix this from within the relationship. What do you want to do?

What do you want from the rest of your life?

[lisamelinda]

ouch. In a way i do kind of understand. i had quite serious LSE, and my bf cheated on me at varsity. I completely flipped out after that and became paranoid about posters on his wall and women's mags etc. thankfully i got over it! my bf at the time was very supportive, probably because he felt guilty, but he is a lovely person (we are still very close). i think i got over it because he was so supportive. you have been supportive. it has made no difference. what more can you do? I can't believe you are making concrete suggestions to improve things (like go to therapy) but she refuses to consider this. I think it is so lovely that you love her. You must be an amazing person. however, you are both miserable. and you can't save her. leaving her could be the best thing you do. it might make her change. perhaps then you could look at the relationship again. and i will think of her, because i hate to hear of someone so unhappy. perhaps you can give her some helpful books in the meantime, see if that improves things at all? she has to learn to love herself.

[RT Wolf]

You may be interested in reading Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay to decide whether to leave. Mira even has a chapter on how to decide how much "loving her" should count for in this decision. The book would probably consul you to leave, because you will be happier if you left because other people who've left in your situation have been happier over her twenty odd year career. Srsly, though, go to any competent relationship counselor and they'll likely consul you to leave.

She sounds like she's got a really bad case of self punishment. Time to leave. When you do, put her on suicide watch. Get in touch with a therapist yourself, explain the situation best as you can and get his/her help about what to do, in terms of how to handle the watch itself as well sa the leaving. I have to be honest, even if you want to help her, you'd probably do that better as a friend because you'll ahve less needs and expectations from her and you can help her more fully.

Good luck.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by losty

But I love her, and don't want to leave her.

Losty, I agree with you that there is a self-esteem issue here, but it has nothing to do with HER self-esteem.

You are committed to being a prisoner. The only reasons she shuts down your life is that you allow her, even encourage her, to shut down your life. You are 100% responsible for having a shut-down life, and the good news is that you have all the power in the world to change your life. Your living a life you love has absolutely nothing to do with what she does, says or thinks -- zero, zilch, nada.

So, how long are you going to continue Being Shut Down?

[RT Wolf]

I should point out one thing. I'm not a psychologist but I am studying psych so I suggest you have my remote diagnosis confirmed by a qualified therapist. This is not low self esteem. Can't fix a problem if you don't diagnose it right. Self mutilation, violence and child abuse are serious issues that, unless you're a qualified therapist, you do not have the ability to deal with. The people who've chimed in with their own histories of low self esteem, unless they have been abused as children or mutilated themselves, do not apply. I know she's going to put it on you like, "if you stop doing that, I won't have to cut myself", do not pay attention to this, get a therapist. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but, again, unless you're a qualified therapist, you're out of your depth here, get a professional.

[cookie5]

Gee that's alot. Jealousy is a nasty nasty controlling consuming thing. but there is so much more going on here for her and you. i agree with alot of what others have said in response. I hope you can get some help, some soloutions something!

[losty]

Thank you all for your heart-felt replies.
I'm sorry I didn't post again sooner.
I was afraid to login and read what you had to say.
As you know, facing the truth is hard.

I'm not worried about being able to meet someone else.
I know I can -- I make friends easily, and I'm quite social.

But I have been afraid of causing her to inflict some kind of harm on herself.
Regardless, I finally moved out this past Monday (crashing at my mom's place for now).
I stayed with my girlfriend until her co-worker arrived to be with her (for her safety).

When I left, she was obviously destroyed.
When we started dating, she started ignoring all her friends.
Consequently, she no longer has any.
That's why a co-worker came over to be with her, not a friend.
She cried and cried, saying I couldn't leave because she has no-one but me.
It was absolutely heart-wrenching.
So I agreed to call her every other day to check in and make sure she is okay.

I bought her 8 self-esteem books ages ago. On Tuesday she started reading "The Self-Esteem Companion" and doing its exercises.
On Wednesday she went to see a therapist for the first time ever, which is a huuuuge step.
It's amazing how much more confident she sounds on the phone already!

I'm just not sure I can forgive & forget everything I've been through.
And I'm not sure it actually will be better.
Even if it is better, I'm not sure it'll be better to the point where I'll feel as if I can do things that will help me grow as a person again.
I can't blame her for her issues, because they're not her fault, and she does her best, but I can't forget all the pain, either. And I can't settle for less than the life I want.

>>The Cloud said: "what she really needs is also exactly what you need;
>>for you to be you."

Well said!

>>Holistic Star said: you allow her to dominate you like this . . .
>>You give in each time

I've tried listening and consoling, and I've tried yelling and screaming.
She has *some* insight about it. She knows her freak-outs are unwarranted, and afterwards, she apologizes... but they still happen allllll the time. I have empathy, and compassion, and a psychology degree, so I'd like to think I have some insight, but I've never met anyone like her. I've never encountered issues this deeply seated before.

>>Holistic Star said: You say you love her - but do you really? You might
>>love her when she's calm and not when she's angry and destructive.
>>But really all the awful stuff is her too.

Good call

>>Holistic Star asked: What do you want from the rest of your life?

So much!
Everything!
I want to change the world!

>>Angela said: Losty, I agree with you that there is a self-esteem issue
>>here, but it has nothing to do with HER self-esteem.

You're right.
I have always been heavy.
As a kid, I was The Fat Kid, and even though I evened our later on, that's still who I am in my mind.
And since I moved in with my girlfriend, I have gone from my lowest weight in the past 15 years, to my highest weight ever. I've gained 50 lbs! Partially due to the depression of losing all my friends... partially due to our conflicts...

On top of that, my Dad was always fond of the saying "Children should be seen and not heard". I always wanted to participate in his conversations, because I understood them, but he didn't want to hear it. He also tended to raise his voice a lot, which now makes it very difficult for me to have arguments with any sort of authority figure without feeling like crawling into a hole. We get along great now, but there are still some past issues there.

>>Angela said: You are committed to being a prisoner.

That is the *last* thing I want... BUT it is how I have been behaving

It's been ALMOST a week since I moved out, and she wants me to come back to see how hard she is trying. She knows & believes we are meant to be together. I'm not so confident, but it is SO hard to see someone you love going through this! Especially when your moving out caused it! The one silver-lining of this is that she FINALLY has some help. Even if our entire relationship was a disaster (which it wasn't), at least NOW she is starting down her own path of personal growth. Even if I leave, she is now better off than she was before... and that's comforting. Not sure what I think or what I'll do yet, but I definitely have a lot to think about.

[rose A]

Wow. Well It is good to see either you got her to understand that she needed help or she took it upon herself, but either way its a good thing. My daughter was a cutter, and they have their inner demons to deal with. Don't blame her for those, (and I think from your post that you didn't). You know, truely thank your self for attempting to tolerate that situation. If the therapist is good, she should get her self somewhat straightened out and your relationship should show her that she has worth and meaning. It was her struggles that messed things up, not her.

I hope she gets set on her right path.

[RT Wolf]

Originally Posted by losty

I'm not so confident, but it is SO hard to see someone you love going through this! Especially when your moving out caused it! The one silver-lining of this is that she FINALLY has some help. Even if our entire relationship was a disaster (which it wasn't), at least NOW she is starting down her own path of personal growth. Even if I leave, she is now better off than she was before... and that's comforting. Not sure what I think or what I'll do yet, but I definitely have a lot to think about.

You did not cause it and are not causing it. She has the choice to respond to situations differently, though she may not be conscious of it. Don't take away her choice to respond to the situation. Speaking of, why do you feel you caused this? I don't understand how you view responsibility in this situation. I mean, the way I think of it, if you do something like this to someone else, they wouldn't react this way. Since the same person (you) do the same thing to a different person, and the reaction is different, doesn't it seem like perhaps you are not the cause? And even if you don't want to "blame" the other person for their problems, you can still consider them responsible, no?

In any case, I'm still curious about why you feel you're responsible for her actions in this situation?

Be careful of one thing: she may still be doing those things (reading books, seeing therapist) in an attempt to get you back. Keep in mind this may not be genuine at all, in that if you came back, she'd stop, or if you left for good (and stopped calling), she'd stop.

There is something within you that reacts to this sort of a situation/person You've mentioned some of your own issues. Have you seeked counseling for them? The way your relationship was turning out, was it in any way similar to your parents'? It takes two to tango, so it'd be a good idea to make sure you're not acting out some ancient and unconscious role in your tango. I mean, taking responsibility for her like that sounds like something like that.

I want to add a final note: I'm impressed by you. You did something very, very, very difficult. You did really well in a bad situation. Good work.

[lifetimelearner]

losty I am glad your ex-GF is receiving help -but it will take her a little while to work through things -a week is not enough time

so now work on you
go out with your friends and maybe go to a trusted therapist to talk about your issues

get back out in the world again !

[Magicinthenight]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

losty I am glad your ex-GF is receiving help -but it will take her a little while to work through things -a week is not enough time

so now work on you
go out with your friends and maybe go to a trusted therapist to talk about your issues

get back out in the world again !

Agree with this. Give her, and most importantly yourself, time to breathe and work things out with yourselves. It's never easy to walk away from someone you love but sometimes it really is for the best, at least for the time being.

[Brutha]

It's been ALMOST a week since I moved out, and she wants me to come back to see how hard she is trying. She knows & believes we are meant to be together. I'm not so confident, but it is SO hard to see someone you love going through this!

The process she goes through is good for her.
It's painful but it's necessary for her to grow. Going back would might stop the process.

[losty]

I did go back and see her for an evening. We went for coffee, and she didn't freak out that there were girls around. Then we saw a movie, and she didn't freak out that girls were around. Then we had dinner and talked, and she didn't freak out again, and she was SO PROUD of how well she was doing, and she felt great. It was great to see, and I WAS proud of her, too. I was actually shocked at how different things seemed to be... but it almost made me feel worse, because despite all her hard work, I don't know if I have it in me to go back. AI have so much anger & resentment built up inside me. But she knows we're meant to be together...

I would like to get back out in the world again and go out with friends, but I moved to a new city to be with her, and because I wasn't allowed out of the house, I don't know anyone here... so I'm spending my time at work, and reading a book one of you suggested "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It's quite good, but I do agree with one of the reviews that said "It puts everything on your partner, and none on you"... so I'm trying to balance it out by also reading some Law of Attraction stuff

>>RT Wolf said: I'm still curious about why you feel you're responsible for her actions in this situation?

I didn't mean I caused the problem, just that my moving out is what is currently causing her to be upset.

>>RT Wolf said: I'm impressed by you. You did something very, very,
>>very difficult. You did really well in a bad situation. Good work.

Thanks, RT. I really appreciate you saying so

Something I'm finding hard to deal with is that she bought us an expensive vacation getaway for my birthday. The tickets are for this coming weekend, and I'm not there. She is a) very frugal; and b) very averse to going anywhere... so this was a huge deal for her, and she did it to make me happy... AND she still wants us to go... to see if we can use the trip as a new beginning and work things out. I just don't feel ready... but the tickets are non-refundable

There have been many times in my life when I've felt totally grounded and at peace... almost enlightened. But right now I'm so foggy & confused... or as the book would say "ambivalent". I can't decide what I want.

Stay with her. Work through our issues. Start a family. Eat. Work. Sleep. Play.

OR

Be single again. Travel (I work via telecommute) & visit friends. Work on my spiritual development. Work on personal projects following my passion. Get in shape.

Yes, I can work on my spiritual side & personal projects & fitness with her, but she will be the focus, not me. And I guess I feel greedy right now, but perhaps that's because I am needy right now, being confused/undecided [sigh].

My own personal issue, which affected our relationship quite a bit, was that I completely lost my sex drive. Gone. I believe it was due to not being able to see anyone, or be social, or have free will, and I have a lot of resentment around that. BUT it could also be my blood pressure medication. Or my self-image, because I have gained weight in the last 8 months. Or it could be depression related to moving to a new city, away from all my friends. Or all of the above. Regardless, no sex = big stress on the relationship ESPECIALLY on top of her issues.

I did lose my sex drive once before, in a previous relationship (note: i am only 32 years old). It didn't come back until we broke up, and I went on a trip. Once I was having fun in another country, it came right back, stronger than ever.

So, this has become a pattern for me.
There's one other thing that's key, and which I don't talk about, or rarely even admit...

I have been in "true love" twice in my life. Once in high school, and once in university. I have had probably 8 or so other relationship, which all ended in one way or another becasue I didn't feel the same magnitude of love for the person I was with, as I had for my true loves. That is also the case now. But I second-guess myself. I think that maybe if I try hard enough for long enough, that love will appear, and grow. But as time goes on, and things are still hard, and it's not panning out that way, doubt creeps in.

One girlfriend told me I was crazy to be searching for fairytale love, and that I should just enjoy the moment. I get that, but once you have had true love, you don't want less. And I feel bad, becasue in my search to find it again, I end up hurting other people, and I don't want to. I hate breaking hearts... but I don't want to settle either.

The last time I broke a girlfriend's heart, I swore that was the last one, and that I wouldn't do it again. I swore I would only date again when that true love feeling was there... but here I am, nearly 2 years later, neck deep in heartbreak and uncertainty.

I guess I really should start seeing a therapist.

[MrSuccess]

Losty my friend, congratulations on your growth, what you're currently going through is, in your words, "I'm so foggy & confused... or as the book would say "ambivalent"".
This is an important step towards where you want to be in life.

As you say, you might have self-image problems?
•Join a gym if you can or search the net for a running program to follow, believe me when I say it, exercise will change your life!

•Your sex drive, I don't think is the cause of any conflict and the fact that it has been repressed is linked to a host of issues, give it time and it'll return. [ exercise will help with this as well!]

Read some books on developing confidence and dealing with social situations, then you can start to slowly building new friendships and you could even call up your old friends and chat and discuss the issue, if they are truly your friends, they'll listen and perhaps you can organize to see them sometime soon.

•About the tickets, I must warn you, as RT Wolf has already, this may be a ploy to get you back into her life.
You need to be by yourself at the moment, a therapist will help or you could sit down and write....just write about anything, write about what you don't like, what you do like, write about where you want to go and what you want to do.
This way you can sort your thoughts out and perhaps bring raise the fog that's been surrounding your mind.

•If you know how to meditate, then take some time to do it or learn how to do it.

•Go out and persue your passions, start working on a new project that interests you or join a club like toastmasters or something similar.

I hope this information helps and I wish you good luck my friend!

[crescive]

Losty, your last post was extremely telling in what you should do.
In my opinion, you really need to grow, without her. I think you having moved out is a big step, you made the huge leap in being out of the house with her and you should not go on this trip unless you really feel confident that you can handle the worst case scenario. If she's already adverse to travelling and frugal and you're not sure if you want to be with her while she's convinced you're "the one", the trip is already off to a very bad start. Travelling can be very stressful, it doesn't seem like it would turn out to be a fun trip. Also, I don't believe anybody should settle, get married, have kids, work, eat, rinse, repeat unless that idea is the one that absolutely excites and invigorates them. That is setting yourself up for even more of a mess if you realize you are unhappy 10 years from now, yet have invested your whole life into the relationship and you have a mortgage and kids and have become jaded by life, feeling unfulfilled and never having followed your dreams. 32 is really young. You have the power to change your life and live it the way you want to live it. You seem to be an aware individual, you have sought help, you're reading books, you're doing the right steps. Just keep pursuing your life. You can't love anyone until you love yourself. Work on yourself, be happy about who you are, love yourself and then, only then, will true love, happiness, peace, a partner who understands you, makes you laugh, makes you love and enjoy the beauty in life will come. It seems like you were in a really messy hole for a while. Come out now and enjoy the sun, read poetry, look at art, socialize, make friends, travel. Carpe diem!

I'm sure you deal with guilt over feeling obligated to her. She will be hurt, she will be in pain, she will make you feel as if you're the cause for all her suffering. You're not. You bring out the suffering that is already in her, you need to leave her before she can be truly happy and free. She needs to be alone as much as you do. If you're always there to help her then you will stunt her from helping herself, she needs to be empowered and right now, I'm sure she feels pretty powerless which is why she exerts so much control over you and the relationship. Let her go. Let her grow. She will need to find strength. I hope she continues getting help and I hope everything progresses positively but I'm pretty sure it won't be so easy, there will be relapses. Know that, it's ok, but move on. It will be years before she will be truly ok, no matter how much better she seems to be doing already. Good luck.