Don't want to pick up that phone

[SenoritaBonita]

I need some advice, maybe reassurance.
On November 13th my now ex told me to f**k off (the phone fight started over me going to his company's website to see what's going on work-wise. My ex and I tried doing business together and it didn't work out, so the idea of working together with him in the same company was out of the question. I was simply browsing whatever came to my mind on that Thursday). It wasn't the first time he spoke to me like and I decided to end it. I stopped picking up his calls, didn't return any of his messages. He kept on calling. No apologies, nothing. He behaved as if nothing happened.
On December 2nd, I got sick of his calls, picked up and in a very calm, respectful and firm manner said that it was over and I am breaking up with him. I don't think he believed me. I also was leaving the country mid-December, coming back mid-January and then leaving again and coming back at the end of February. I left. While I was gone, I didn't call him. On the New Year's eve I emailed him to wish him happy new year. It was a good thing for me to leave it all in the past and in 2008. I haven't been in contact with him (other that email) for two months now.

He calls. I have been back for two and a half weeks and he called twice. He's not stalking me with his calls or emails, but I feel that he doesn't understand anything. I feel compelled to pick up and explain again, but afraid I will get sucked into the same thing again. I have some resentment over our relationship and have been working on getting better and have done a great job. Every time he calls, he drags me back into the past. I don't want to talk to him and he doesn't seem to understand. My mind is clear that the breakup was great for me, but my heart still misses him. I sometimes feel lonely.

I don't want to pick up and he doesn't understand. What to do? I'm afraid to slide down the spiral again.

[jaamkie]

if you feel you've explained yourself as well as you can/want to, then don't answer. find new activities, new people- new men, and get excited about other things so you don't have time to waste worrying about this anymore!

[carenkh]

It's not your responsibility to make sure he gets it. You've set really clear boundaries - I think it says a lot (not good!) that he's ignoring those.

Don't pick up that phone! Don't e-mail him again. Feel your feelings about it, and let go!

[danas]

SenoritaBonita - I really feel for you.
I was in a similar situation a year ago. Similar meaning I decided to leave a relationship that just wasn’t making me happy enough, while at the same time missing the guy terriblly and him wanting to get back. But I didn’t get back with him (also thanks to this forum and Erin's reading), and now a year later, I have no feelings for him other than compassion.
I look back in disbelief that I was nearly willing to settle that much, with someone who clearly wasn’t right for me. Now I’m so excited about a new relationship. And I'm so much clearer on what I want and deserve. My standards have risen.

My advice- If you feel in your heart that this isn’t for you, and it sounds like that, then stay strong. Go forward, not backward.
Its natural to miss him a lot, that doesn’t mean you need to be together.
Accept that you miss him. Use that longing to manifest someone more suitable. Let yourself feel sad and vulnerable. Its part of the healing process.
I would pick up the phone and tell him to stop calling you, When you say it with full certainty, he'll understand
Hugs

[SenoritaBonita]

Originally Posted by carenkh

It's not your responsibility to make sure he gets it. You've set really clear boundaries - I think it says a lot (not good!) that he's ignoring those.

Don't pick up that phone! Don't e-mail him again. Feel your feelings about it, and let go!

My thoughts exactly - thank you. I needed some reassurance. I know I am doing everything right and this decision has been very good for me. Soon I will shut up that little voice inside my head saying "what if" "what we could have been". Thank you!!!!

[SimonaRich]

Change your phone number or switch off your phone for couple of weeks. Maybe he will think he will not be able to reach on that number again.

Try to avoid any kind of contact with him if you feel better alone than you were with him.

[ns123]

It sounds like he wants closure. You could be generous with him and give him some closure. Of course, you don't owe him anything. Which is why I use the word generous. And giving him closure could also give you final closure too.

It sounds like you are doing a really good job of acting and behaving like you have moved on and left the relationship in the past. But I'm hearing that maybe you haven't really convinced yourself that you've moved on yet. Which is why his phoning really bothers you. A lot.

So, if you have a gentle, frank conversation with him, you could both get closure. Or maybe, if he doesn't, you could get closure for yourself.

That said, you don't owe him anything. If you decide to just ignore him until he stops calling, that is a perfectly ok solution. If it were me though, I'd have a last, non judgemental conversation with him, and let him go with love.

What you could say is, "I know you have been trying to talk to me about our relationship. And I wanted you to know that it is not working out. I am not willing to accept the behaviors you displayed (telling me to F*** off) and I have decided to move on. I am not the right woman for you." Then, maybe listen to what he has to say, but be firm that you are ready to move on. If he inisists, just tell him you wish him well, and that this is the last conversation you will have with him. Any further calls will be ignored.

At least, you will have had your say, calmly, without judgement or anger. Just observe what is. And then, you will have closure because the message was clearly communicated to your satisfaction.