Kids that think for themselves

[polyfulcrum]

Being a parent, one of my goals has always been to help raise a child that is capable of thinking for themselves, determining what their personal opinions are using critical thinking skills, not just parroting the social norm, my opinions, or what "they" say about a given issue.

The question is how to best achieve this objective without sacrificing boundaries, discipline or structure within a parenting relationship? What are the best strategies you've come up with, if you're a parent who shares this goal? If you are an adult whose parents raised you to be an independent thinker, what types of strategies did they use to help you on that path?

My main concern is around the idea that I am still the parent, and expect that my wishes will be complied with, even if we have a difference of opinion on a particular subject. How do we respectfully disagree without squelching her development, or undermining my authority as her parent?

[edith]

I agree with you that children need to think for themselves! Our survival as a species depends on freedom and fresh ideas.

But I think questioning your ideas about authority and compliance are a good place to start. Now, this normally sends perfectly rational people into a panicked frenzy but just because you consider and ponder something doesn't mean the world is going to come to an end.

It's about working with your child versus being in a top-down relationship. It doesn't mean they'll run rampant over you either.

Check out Leo Babauta's post: On Compassion Towards Our Children | Zen Habits

Also, anything that Alfie Kohn has written is wonderful - he writes a lot about how children are motivated. His book, Unconditional Parenting, is awesome. Website: alfiekohn.org

You might think back to your own childhood, too, and consider how you ended up thinking for yourself!

So glad that you brought this up! Your child is very lucky to have a parent like you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hopefully carenkh will see this (actually, I'll PM her a link) because I think she's got the info you need. She unschools with her kids and has a great parenting philosophy (I believe based on consentual living) which I think would achieve the goals you want.

One thing I would say, and maybe caren can provide some real world backup for this, is that when you raise your kids this way, there is little need for the child to comply as you don't come up against so many issues as you do when you use a more authoritarian approach. I guess what I mean is that you won't have to be concerned about your word being final because your kids will be open with you and respect your input and opinion of whatever is going on.

[Chris Cade]

Read up on:

Unschooling

"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn

Those two things have really shaped my parenting philosophy and approach considerably.

One important thing for me is understanding WHY I want my child to comply with my wishes. If it's just about an object (such as having clean walls), then I don't care whether he draws with crayons on the walls... we have lots of crayon marks all over the house. It's just "stuff" and I'd rather encourage his creativity than stifle it.

My 2 yr old is in a "throwing" phase. At first it was really frustrating... he'd grab something I wanted to use and throw it. We'd get upset but not punish him (we don't use a praise / punishment system here since it generally speaking sets really bad precedents for children's mental & emotional development).

Well, recently I had an epiphany. He isn't usually throwing to be mean... he's throwing because he likes what happens - things flying through the air, the thud when it hits the ground... as a little one, being able to exert control in his world is important.

Now, although it takes a LOT more patience... and I mean a LOT...

I just ask him if he'd put it back where it came from. Sometimes he complies immediately, and sometimes it takes longer... as much as 5 minutes of me asking him periodically if he'd return it and/or give it back to me.

But he does... pretty much every time... at some point... he will return it to its proper place (my hand, the cabinet, a bin, the counter, etc).

some parents might not wait 5 minutes for a child to comply. But think about the deeper message being sent -- I respect his autonomy, I consider him a partner, and I'm grateful for his compliance (not expecting, not demanding... grateful).

sometimes he doesn't want to sit in his carseat - and occasionally I have to force him in (if it comes to that), but often times we can just give him something that's interesting enough that he'll sit right down and let us buckle him in.

So a lot of what we do as conscious parents really comes down to two things:

1) Trying to truly understand our child's motives, intentions, and emotions

2) Trying to truly understand our own motives, intentions and emotions

The cross-section of those two is where creative conscious parenting lies for us... as we look for solutions AND growth opportunities.

Not easy. Some days are really challenging... it'd be so easy to punish our son for being "bad." But most of the time he isn't being bad... he's being curious... he's being a kid... maybe he's grumpy from not having a good nap... but heck, I'm all of those things at some time or another and nobody's punishing me... so I don't feel comfortable punishing him knowing that the only reason for punishment is for me to exert control over him.

Punishment is nothing more than an attempt to force a child to comply with our wishes. It doesn't "teach valuable lessons" because it imposes our values onto our children and encourages compliance out of fear, not out of compassion.

There's a lot of research on praise/punishment systems. What I've found for myself is that I'd much rather have our son learn through natural consequence whenever possible.

Some people wouldn't let their kids touch the stove burner. As for me, initially if it was on lower heat settings I'd let him touch and feel it uncomfortably hot but not burning. If it was really hot, I picked him up and brought his hand closer and closer and when he finally was too close for comfort, I said "Hot"

He's only two, but for a few months now he will happily check to see if the burner is hot before playing with it (he likes to play with the un-hot burners).

Natural consequence... tempered with a desire to genuinely protect my son from harm which he doesn't have the wisdom to understand.

When we cross the street, he often did not want to comply. I obviously didn't want to encourage situations where he might get hit by a car, but I also didn't want to punish him.

So sometimes I just put him in a baby carrier and it's a non-issue.

Sometimes we walk, and I give him a choice... either hold my hand, or I'll pick him up. There's no direct punishment... no spanking him or threatening to not go if he doesn't comply. I give him the choice.... even if it is the lesser of two evils in his eyes.

And the result is that sometimes he wants me to pick him up, and sometimes he wants me to hold his hand... but he has learned to wait (at least most of the time) for me before entering the street.

The lessons go on and on... every day. But most of it is me trying to figure out how to respect his desire and need to develop autonomy and creating a "yes" environment as much as possible.

Not always easy... but very rewarding for all of us.

[sk8joyful]

"independent-thinking" children - an excellent topic!
-
Having raised such a child successfully, & worked with other parents, in an UNschooling-program I founded, a progressive learning-adventure we all shared in, for our homeschooling community's enrichment, here are some ideas:
* Model yourself an Independent-lifestyle , incldg. noticing details, & wondering, & questioning, be that in religion, medicine, history & politics, natural sciences, etc.
(a common mistake is to want "closure" to a question, hence too many interpretations & conclusions are reached pre-maturely, resulting in unfortunate mistakes; especially in medicine, using traditionally accepted science models) - Avoid that, by continually Noticing Details, & asking uncommon and open-ended questions, & doing your own research.

* Once you have taught your child necessary Life-safety precautions, such as: what is food, & what is not, Electrical-outlets & fingers do not go together, what else can kill you, don't run into the street, yadda yadda, you get the drift - then, they're ready to Explore, & Discover the wonders of our world, more safely excited & in fun... preserve the fun.

* Live cognizant & admit to yourself, and child/ren (when they are of pre-school age), that you do not know it all. (iow, just because you are physically-taller & stronger, and have lived longer, does not equate with 'wisdom'. - We teach children a very few basics, before we then get out of their way, and allow them to spread their wings... and Invite their considerate input as their opinions are valid.

* When you give children plus their phenomenal Learning-skills due respect, Children respect you far more, and you can live in a manner consentually. Does this make good sense?

* We each got our beginning-learnings, prenatally in the womb. Beyond development & growth, our prenatal environment also "imprinted/raised" each of us in more ways than most people considered. - As we, who work with people's challenges, afterwards, have time and again, helped them transform...

What positive parental experiences have you had along these thoughts?

[polyfulcrum]

A couple of favorite moments in parenting:

We went to the gym to play in the pool, arriving a few minutes before the facility opened. There were ~20 people waiting for the double doors to be unlocked. When the staff opened the building, my then 3 year old looked at the adults waiting in line, walked around them, opened the OTHER door and went in! Don't be a member of the herd.

Recently, a friend of the family began divorce proceedings. We told our daughter (now 7 years old) what was going on. When she next saw the friend, she gave her a big hug and said, "If you want to talk, or just snuggle, let me know. I'm sorry you're sad." I was so proud of the compassion and sensitivity shown, particularly in the face of her extreme curiousity!

[edith]

One thing I would say, and maybe caren can provide some real world backup for this, is that when you raise your kids this way, there is little need for the child to comply as you don't come up against so many issues as you do when you use a more authoritarian approach. I guess what I mean is that you won't have to be concerned about your word being final because your kids will be open with you and respect your input and opinion of whatever is going on.

This pretty much says it in a nutshell. Once you see this, you'll see interactions between other parents and kids and wonder what the heck they are thinking when they "put their foot down" about really insignificant stuff.* It's like they make a stand about something, then have to follow through and then the going gets reallllly ugly. It's all stems from the philosophy you start with.

*In fact, it's good to just observe for a while. You'll see. It's like taking the red pill or whatever in the Matrix.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by polyfulcrum

My main concern is around the idea that I am still the parent, and expect that my wishes will be complied with, even if we have a difference of opinion on a particular subject. How do we respectfully disagree without squelching her development, or undermining my authority as her parent?

So - how can you raise a child who thinks for herself, without actually letting her think for herself? Or squelching her when she DOES think for herself?

I agree with looking at your thoughts and beliefs around parenting - WHY should your child comply with YOUR wishes?

I have done a lot of work around this issue, and I have come to know I cannot KNOW what would be best for another person. I can have an opinion, but that's about it. Letting go of the thought "I am the parent, which means they ultimately must do as I say" has been the BEST thing I've done, ever, in my whole life. It hasn't been easy - at different times, various blocks and issues have come up, and each time, I looked at them and learned how to let them go.

Supporting a child's independent thinking is the BEST way to get them to be an independent thinker! And that won't happen if you have to have the last word.

* Once you have taught your child necessary Life-safety precautions, such as: what is food, & what is not, Electrical-outlets & fingers do not go together, what else can kill you, don't run into the street, yadda yadda, you get the drift - then, they're ready to Explore, & Discover the wonders of our world, more safely excited & in fun... preserve the fun.

You don't even need to teach this! Kids will pick it up naturally - it's about keeping them safe until they're developmentally ready to take it on themselves. I only point this out because a LOT of parents use the "safety" issue as a way of still controlling the child; it's not needed! I have yet to meet a child who truly wanted to run in traffic. If they wanted - really wanted - to run in the street, I'd look at a way to get that desire met safely.

[The Cloud]

I think that one thing not to do is introduce moral absolutes. When you harden something as an absolute in your child's brain, it may become difficult for her to question that area of her life. I'm not a parent, but I can imagine how difficult it is to tell your child not to do something, like hard drugs, without making it a moral absolute. Maybe you can tell her that she can do "bad" things, but the consequences (including punishments) will be undesirable. Although, as long as you're a free thinker, I doubt that you're going to do any catastrophic indoctrination.