How do I talk with someone if they're racist and I'm not?

[zt1]

I just started working for this little company doing maintenance work on several different properties. The guy I work with, my manager, is a great guy. He's easy to talk to and very helpful.
On the flip side he's a pretty big redneck. I think we probably have completely different ideals. Now I have to work with his son also. I don't work with his son all the time but usually everyday for a little while.
Now racist talk hasn't been said around me really, but I've heard them talk to each other using completely racist words and remarks and taking pride in it.

I'm having a hard time thinking of things to connect with his son about. I already feel the resentment in me for people that have this kind of ignorance and small mindedness. I really would prefer to just stay away and not talk at all.

Oh and reporting this wouldn't matter. Trust me it'd be a waste of time.
So how should I think and treat this kid who's probably in his early twenties and my manager?

I am diametrically opposed to that kind of thinking but I want harmonious relationships and don't want to act fake either. How can I stay true to myself and still allow another to believe whatever they want?

Should I subtly make comments to let them know where I stand or should I just ignore everything and try to find the best things I can in them?

Again, this talk doesn't really come at me but I'm surrounded by it and I don't believe in racism or some of the things that I know they believe in.

Thanks.

[lisamelinda]

personally i would subtly make comments that indicate your point of view.. i don't know if this is the best way though. it's one of those things - i hate it when it happens. people assume that because you have the same skin colour, you have the same beliefs.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by zt1

I'm having a hard time thinking of things to connect with his son about. I already feel the resentment in me for people that have this kind of ignorance and small mindedness.

Here's your ignorance: The world is a reflection of you.

So, congratulations! You've met the racist you! Is it a problem? Not unless you make it a problem. It is what it is.

Do "The Work" by Byron Katie. Put your thoughts that cause you to judge others up to inquiry and see if they're true. They won't be.

[carenkh]

I've found in some situations, a simple, "I see that differently", without expanding on that thought is enough to stop that kind of talk without getting into arguments about it - but that depends on to whom you say it, of course.

[MidasGirl]

Something to ponder, What do you think you have been put in their lives for?

If I were you (and I'm not), I'd stay away from people who constantly behave in a way that goes against my values. I just have to choose carefully who I will allow myself to be around. I wouldn't prostitute my values for a paycheck.

[SimonaRich]

You should understand that they are on lower consciousness level and they probably don't even understand that they are acting from the state of hatred. Hopefully they will grow out of it in this lifetime.

I would just mind my own business and not try to get involved in anything they say, because I would not want to be affected by the negative energy they resonate.

[Chris Cade]

You can choose how you internalize and respond to what's being said.

The racist comments are only bad because you think and feel they are. But if you stop giving those words weight and meaning, you may have a different experience altogether.

[Jenny]

[QUOTE=zt1;297266]
I am diametrically opposed to that kind of thinking but I want harmonious relationships and don't want to act fake either. How can I stay true to myself and still allow another to believe whatever they want?
{/QUOTE]

I don't see how it is possible to have all of the things you'd like -

1. Them to change their thinking with no external prompt to do so (might happen but not super likely)
2. A harmonious relationship given the circumstances as you explain them (you withholding your feelings and judging theirs and them likely oblivious to the cause of uncomfortableness yet feeling it anyway)
3. Not acting fake (again you are being "fake" so I imagine you will continue to be uncomfortable with how you are acting in their presence)

You ask how you can stay true to yourself and still allow another to believe what they want. Expressing your beliefs in a respectful and clear manner in no way interferes (as in not allowing) with their beliefs. If they question their beliefs or you yours after communicating honestly that seems to be exactly what you desire - open, honest communication.

Being open is scary and there might even be a price to pay. In my humble opinion it's worth it though (and I speak from experience - both positive and negative). Good luck!

Urghhh...how did I mess up the quote thingy?? :P

[Eric Roosevelt]

Usually it's a good idea to not socialize too much with people who's opinions are too polarized against yours. You don't have to ignore them or act rude around them, but you don't have to actively take part in or listen to their conversations either (apart from, in your case, work-related conversations). You can keep as much distance as you want to feel comfortable.

[ladee]

I have family members that have very strong opinions about race. I rarely get into any conversation with them about this. Just set and let them rant, and can see the fear in what they are saying. I do not try to "educate" them on this belief, as it is thiers. I do not let it take ahold of me, or go into my feelings. I try not to judge them, but I do. So in some ways that makes me no different than them. I judge thier racism, and judging is judging and so on and so on. I have been on this earth long enough to know my harmony is within and hopefully it spills over into my outer world.
So my thing is to let people be who they are. I do not asscoiate with them very much as this is just one of many things that we do not agree on. I could get into some very large debate with them, but for me, the bottom line is they never asked to be taught another way to see things. It is not for me to change their way of seeing the world, I can only hope they see some example I set. If not, well, I don't have to be them, and I am being true to myself by not making it a big thing for me to pontificate about.
Live and let live.

[The David]

I'm kind of surprised that no one here has commented on your use of the word 'redneck'. I live in Tennessee and wasn't allowed to use it because my parents were from 'up north'. Obviously, it doesn't have the ugly history of the 'N' word or whatnot, but you're still revealing a prejudice here.

As a result of limited exposure to postmodern society, rednecks are more likely to be xenophobic. It may not be pretty, but it (literally) comes with the territory.

The best way of dealing with these people? Don't. When they use words that offend you, try to think about something else. If you can't, just remember that these guys aren't the only prejudiced people in the room, that you all are influenced by your environment, and that you all have a different purpose in life. Their purpose is probably not international relations, and your purpose is probably not working with rednecks for the rest of your life.

[ns123]

Have you seen the movie Gran Torino? It's about this crotchety old man who hates and shuts out the whole world. Many people would percieve him to be racist, as he uses words that are very insulting race-wise.

But, he's equally that way toward everyone. So does that make him a racist? Or does that just make him a hateful man? And if you dismiss him, he will continue to be hateful. Luckily, in the movie, the opposite happens.

Now, what is racism than judging people and labeling them as X before you even know them? So you say he's a redneck, sounds like you've just done what you dont' like him doing. Judging and labeling.

What I do, when faced with prejudice is to display how I'm similar (when it's me who is pre-judged). Or, when I encounter prejudice, I really talk about values, not skin. Take the focus off the outward appearance, and focus on the behavior.

For example, there is such a thing as "thug culture." Most people assign this to the black community, but I assure you, no matter what the skin color, yellow, white, brown, black... there are people who embrace the thug culture of all colors. So when some one talks about "acting black" I say, "Oh, you don't like that thug culture either? I can assure you, it's not just black...." and I talk about how it sounds like they have an objection more to the behavior and not the skin color. And go from there.

So you could try this. See if that works. Or, you can just judge him and dismiss him too. It's your choice. And no choice is more right than the other, I just ask that you decide for yourself, which choice will generate the result that is more authentic to what you want?

[Millissus64]

It"s been my experience that people behave in ways that reflects their beliefs. If I believed my values were being compromised I would find a work environment that was more congruent with my values. I have been in places in life that made me feel like I was living a split life- when my actions were not matching my values because I was afraid to walk away and say, ' nope... not me... ' Accept it or reject it'

You can't change other people's beliefs, you can only change your own. That's why I say this: a belief is a placeholder for the truth.

[Montrealonmymind]

I don't have suggestions besides the comments that people have already said to you. From speaking up to viewing it differently. Whatever makes you feel better - different solutions for different people in different situations. I just wanted to comment that I experience the same thing with people who make fun of people of different sexual orientation. It really annoys me when I hear the jokes, comments and steriotypes because it's so prominent where I live. Montreal was different. So I will think about these suggestions too because the other day I started to really tell someone how I felt about their views and they turned beat red because I was in a position of power at the time - I backed off but if I had continued...at the end of the day they didn't know any better so that would have been the wrong thing to do. I am thinking for myself I would like to get invloved in activities that raise more awareness because it is needed where I live and it will give me hope. But then I will have to find ways to console myself in that the process or raising awareness is slow.