Broke my wife's heart and I have to one more time...

[zentiggr]

My wife and I have known each other for eleven years, have been married for 6 1/2. In most ways, we are great for each other, and have lots of fun whenever 'issues' aren't rearing their heads.

We came into our relationship with issues, and we knew it. She had felt betrayed badly before we met, and we talked about her need for me to be honest and clear with her, and that we could work out anything else. She also had developed an anger reaction to things that threatened what stability she could feel.

I came into this with the (mostly unconscious at the time) belief that if I failed in anything, it would cause huge backlashes and easily be the end of the relationship... (failed attempt years ago to hold divorcing parents together, is it that obvious?) so of course I hide things the best I can, and try to make them go away, no matter how badly things get broken, because "my only hope is to just clear it up and have it never cause a ripple".

I have now hurt her deeply, failing to live up to that one basic agreement, many times. We have gone on, and I've built up the guilt and shame at not being able to break this pattern in myself. I just recently caused the worst situation we've ever dealt with, again over questions of honesty and hidden financial damage I've caused.

I know I've only had her blind faith that 'maybe I'll change and I'll get past this behavior' and have leaned on that and our deep love for each other to get us through each crisis... and we're still here now, not great, but trying to heal.

I have the courage now to face the last of the things I've been too ashamed, too guilty about, that I haven't told her, and that's the crux of things... I have a short but potent list of both personal and financial things that I feel, if I tell her these things now, it may well be the last 'last straw'. But if I don't tell her, I'm just being the same me still and leaving things hidden.

I'm trying to face the reality that my attempt to finally come clean and try to show somehow that I am serious about behaving better... may just be the end of our relationship, given all the past and very recent heartbreaks. I want to step up and finally be truly honest with her. I'm just very afraid that there's no good way anymore, that it may be too late, the hole too deep.
I have to do this anyway... and accept whatever she feels.

Anyway, thanks for listening, and letting me get this out so I can see how I feel too.

[lifetimelearner]

sounds like you are struggling here

the times I have lied in my life have been the most terrifying,anxiety-ridden,and most horrible times for me

and although telling the truth has similar emotions tied to it the release of letting it all go is like taking a deep breath for the first time


"Falsehood has an infinity of combinations but truth has only one mode of being "-Jean Jacques Rousseau

[ssandra]

Hi,

I feel for you. It is a horrible situation to want to be better, but first have to be worse (in the other persons eyes) in order to do that...

Maybe something that might help;

First, write a letter where you explain all the things that you have lied to her about, and how the situation is at this moment.

Second, have an open and honest conversation with your wife, where you tell her that you understand what you have done to hurt her, and that from this moment on you will be completely honest. Unfortunately, there are somethings in the past that you have not been honest with her about, but telling them now might hurt her.

Third, give her the letter, explain what is in it (without reveling the content) and tell her that this is your new start.

She can choose to open it and read about it, she can choose to move forward from this moment and read it later when she and your relationship is stronger, or she might not read it at all.

Make clear to her that whatever she chooses you love her and will help her in any way you can to make your relationship work.

Forth, maybe it is also a good idea to check out counceling. Sometimes talking about it with a third person can put some perspective on things and will help you both move on.

I hope this helps. If you were not looking for advice but just airing frustrations, please ignore me completely, except that I wish you all the luck and love in the world.

Liefs,

Sandra

[zentiggr]

Originally Posted by ssandra

First, write a letter where you explain all the things that you have lied to her about, and how the situation is at this moment.

A while ago she suggested this very idea when I wanted to reconnect with my out-of-state daughter.

That may help ease things more than you know... at least a small physical sign that I am paying attention and respect her. Thank you!

[Steve Pavlina]

It's possible your relationship will end over this. Even so, it's better to end it with truth than to preserve it with deception. On the other hand, it's possible your relationship will become closer than ever.

[kayumochi]

Get thee to the nearest Landmark Forum and enroll. You CAN create a new possibility to live in to.

[zentiggr]

Thanks, Steve... I guess I wouldn't be so afraid of doing this if I was totally convinced things were over. I would just need to play out the inevitable, then.

I do believe that any outcome lived honestly is better than this.

[funchy]

I feel that by taking the difficult move of being honest and laying everything out on the table, that should be an indication you ARE changing. It's more important that honesty is restored to the relationship. Money losses come and go. People make mistakes. If she still cares anything about you, she'll be wiling to recognize how hard it is for you to admit these mistakes.

If it's the last straw, then the relationship was probably not going to last anyway. Better for you that you had a chance to make things right before it did end.

I might suggest that it's all in how this information is presented. I wouldn't just hand her the list of mistakes and let her deal with it. I'd preface it by talking about the new you, the new honestly, and the changes you hope to make. And then, once she seems to understand the "new" you, then ease into telling her about the mistakes.

Be willing to give up something big to show her you really are sorry. For example: if it was big foolish expenditures, suggest she keep control of the checkbooks and credit cards for the remainder of the year, and you live off an allowance. Show her that you're changing things to make it impossible for these same mistakes to keep happening.

Have you considered getting help in working through this, i.e a relationship therapist? There may be more going on here than her anger about your bad pattern. Communication (or rather lack of it) is why many relationships fail.

[zentiggr]

Originally Posted by funchy

If she still cares anything about you, she'll be wiling to recognize how hard it is for you to admit these mistakes.

If it's the last straw, then the relationship was probably not going to last anyway. Better for you that you had a chance to make things right before it did end.

I completely agree... I'm just trying not to panic over the worst case...

Originally Posted by funchy

I might suggest that it's all in how this information is presented. I wouldn't just hand her the list of mistakes and let her deal with it. I'd preface it...

That is exactly the sort of thing I don't think about when I'm in this panicked place... Thank you for reminding me that I can try to ease things, even if it just alittle bit in relation to things.

Originally Posted by funchy

suggest she keep control of the checkbooks and credit cards for the remainder of the year, and you live off an allowance. Show her that you're changing things to make it impossible for these same mistakes to keep happening.

This idea came up in our last argument... I think it's time that I volunteer whatever she needs to feel confident about this from now on, period.

Thank you greatly for helping me release some of the panic and approach this more as an apology than a funeral...

[zentiggr]

My fear of disappointing her and myself has kept everything on the same path... the money issues are ongoing as I struggle to repair my previous issues and keep daily life on an even keel.

But inside, I know that this is wrong. And deep inside, where it's easy to ignore, is the voice that this is all going to self-destruct anyway.

And I keep doing the same things again... more lies, to cover my inattention to details and trying to make up for prior shortfalls and knee-jerk spending.

I feel like I'll never just accept the damage I've caused, and actually start living honestly. But I have to, or this shame and guilt is going to eat me alive, let alone that we'll have broken up in the end anyway.

Why can't I let go of the fear of not measuring up, enough to start healing this?

[carenkh]

I used to make those financial "mistakes" as well, and try to hide them. The BEST thing we (me and my then-husband) did was to separate our finances - we had household money, which he managed, and we looked at together (but I couldn't access the account) and we each had our own separate account. I didn't have to make choices from that place of shame, just accept what I did and move on to best help the family.

If it's helpful at all, I don't do those same things any more. You can change.

One thing a friend said to me in that time was "Your house is burning down. Don't spend time trying to figure out how the fire started: put out the fire!"

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

What caren said is a good idea. You wouldn't leave drugs around an addict, so why leave the checkbook in the hands of someone who is less than responsible with money.

My honest advice is, go to your wife and come clean. Then propose something along the lines of what caren laid out. It's easier to overcome stuff like this with someone at your side who loves you and is willing to help you get to a better place. That someone is your wife, but she can't fulfill that role if you don't let her in.

Good luck. I'm glad you came back to update us. Don't beat yourself up, you'll just continue the cycle. Step out of it and take the first step in a better direction: honesty.

Lots of love and peace to your situation...and you.