Loss of physical attraction to men

[smilingaway]

For the last 10 months or so, I have been struggling with my sexuality and my attraction to men, primarily my boyfriend. I simply have become apathetic and turned off my men (and I am not attracted to women).

I am emotionally close to my boyfriend. We are very good friends and we share a lot of common interests and a sense of humor. We get a long great and we have been together (through many hardships, though) for 5 years.

While I may find men attractive and appealing, I have little to no desire to engage in sexual acts. I feel repulsed and tense. I feel bored and annoyed.

I have done plenty of analyzing and studying why this has occurred. I was in psychotherapy for a year and a half and discontinued this earlier this month because I felt therapy was no longer working (and I admit I have learned and attained much throughout therapy). But I feel it was best to move on.

The obvious answer is sexual abuse. I was sexually abused when I was 2 1/2 years old and even though I do not consciously remember it, I have had signs that have pointed to it.

However, for all of these years preceding the last year, I had a very high sex drive...almost too high. It was something, I believe, to feel in control, to feel beautiful, and wanted.

I don't particularly understand why the sudden change. I theorize that therapy began to dig out my feelings and thoughts about the abuse, more so than ever. Perhaps that is the reason. Another reason is last February my dog, my best friend, passed away and I was devastated. The loss ran deep and perhaps my unconscious associated love/closeness=pain/loss. While, that seems obvious, I had never lost someone so close to me before.

I have done plenty of thinking and speaking with professionals about the issues I have faced in my life. Yet, I am confused and a little frustrated with my loss of physical attraction, primarily with my boyfriend, and I have little desire to please him.

I am writing for some guidance, advice, encouragement, perhaps people who have been through this.

It's always refreshing to hear insight. I love insight and I hope someone can tell me something that i haven't thought of

[Subscreet]

You should probably continue with the therapy as that will likely help you infinitely more than any armchair pseudo-psychology from these forums will. The trauma in your past is most certainly the root cause of this.

Why did you feel like the therapy wasn't working? Have you tried working with different professionals? There's nothing anybody can say or do that will suddenly make all of this work out for you. Being healthy is a long-term commitment and therapy isn't really something you "move on" from. If you have a GP or family doctor then perhaps you should get a referral from them for a new professional to work with.

[LordSappington]

While the causes may be psychological, you might want to rule out organic causes by visiting an MD, most likely an endocrinologist. Diseases such as hypothyroidism can result in low sex drive.

[RT Wolf]

Yea, I'd suggest trying out other therapists or sorts of therapies. There's a large variety of therapies out there, varying in effectiveness for specific problems. Good luck.

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Subscreet

You should probably continue with the therapy as that will likely help you infinitely more than any armchair pseudo-psychology from these forums will. The trauma in your past is most certainly the root cause of this.

Why did you feel like the therapy wasn't working? Have you tried working with different professionals? There's nothing anybody can say or do that will suddenly make all of this work out for you. Being healthy is a long-term commitment and therapy isn't really something you "move on" from. If you have a GP or family doctor then perhaps you should get a referral from them for a new professional to work with.

I have been to five professionals since the age of 15. However, the last one was the most helpful and he specialized in the effects of trauma. We discussed and went through various traumas in my life through inner child therapy and EMDR. However, nothing has resolved my current issue. I understand that writing on a message board wont give me THE answer but insight can be helpful.

I was hoping for a little bit of insight but I will think about returning to therapy and perhaps seeing a doctor.

[Steve Pavlina]

What's your diet like?

In order to enjoy a good sex drive, it's best to avoid foods that cause hormonal imbalances (especially dairy products). Many sexual dysfunctions can be remedied simply by changing your diet.

If you changed your diet around the time this problem began, that's a good indicator that diet may be the culprit.

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

What's your diet like?

In order to enjoy a good sex drive, it's best to avoid foods that cause hormonal imbalances (especially dairy products). Many sexual dysfunctions can be remedied simply by changing your diet.

If you changed your diet around the time this problem began, that's a good indicator that diet may be the culprit.

thanks Steve for stopping by to post.

Actually, my diet is better now when than when I had a sex drive. I eat mostly organic and I try to avoid processed foods as much as I can.

I suspect the problem may be deeper than diet, although I wish it was that simple!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by smilingaway

I suspect the problem may be deeper than diet, although I wish it was that simple!

What do you think it might be?

If you were feeling hot and juicy and engaged with pleasing your boyfriend, what would be present that's not present now? What would you have let go of, or what way of being would you actively be generating (what kind of thoughts would you be thinking)?

If you could magically have HIM let go of something, or take on a way of being, that would have you feeling more sexy, what would it be? Him, or any man.

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Angela

What do you think it might be?

If you were feeling hot and juicy and engaged with pleasing your boyfriend, what would be present that's not present now? What would you have let go of, or what way of being would you actively be generating (what kind of thoughts would you be thinking)?

If you could magically have HIM let go of something, or take on a way of being, that would have you feeling more sexy, what would it be? Him, or any man.

Thanks Angela.

I have thought of this, since I am a big fan of cognitive, and I like your insightful approach.

I believe it has to do with my childhood interactions with my father and the sexual abuse.

What would be present is a desire to please him. I don't want to please or satisfy him..which I don't completely understand (which could be related to the sexual abuse).

I am very critical of his looks. Since I met him, I wasn't entirely impressed by his looks.

I have noticed that I am more attracted to the bad boy image or the distant type. My boyfriend is very engaging and caring, something my father is not. I have read that you tend to seek out the opposite sex that reminds you of your relationship with your parents.

When my boyfriend does not show sexual interest in me, I tend to become seductive and teasing. But once he shows interest, I immediately become uncomfortable and edgy.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by Subscreet

You should probably continue with the therapy as that will likely help you infinitely more than any armchair pseudo-psychology from these forums will. The trauma in your past is most certainly the root cause of this.

Why did you feel like the therapy wasn't working? Have you tried working with different professionals? There's nothing anybody can say or do that will suddenly make all of this work out for you. Being healthy is a long-term commitment and therapy isn't really something you "move on" from. If you have a GP or family doctor then perhaps you should get a referral from them for a new professional to work with.

You should listen to this guy, he has lots of great advice.

Remember, change is slow, nothing happens instantly, and things like therapy take forever. You are broken and need to be fixed.

Sorry about ragging you out like this Subscreet, but honestly, going to a therapist to solve my problems would be like going to a butcher to become a vegetarian, or going to a bartender for advice on how to quit drinking. They make money by keeping you coming back to them. There are the rare ones that really do solve problems for real and forever, so if you manage to find one, go to them. But I think it's a good idea to drop a therapist when they aren't beneficial to you anymore.

Until you find a new one though, you could spend time being your own therapist. Now, while what happened when you were 2 1/2 could have impacted on you, it would have been compounded in the upteen years since. You spoke of using sex to be in control, to be the master, and you say you still use that tactic on your boyfriend, to get him interested. This whole "not interested" thing is just another layer you've invented on top. I mean you get your boyfriend all interested, and then you shut down. How much more control do you need.

The question to ask yourself though, would be why do you feel like you need to be in control? You mention your father, but I think it's less about the sexual abuse, and more about the emotional and spiritual abuse he put you through. There was never a loving connection between you and he was one to control your life, and perhaps your mother's too. I think it's a case of feeling powerless since you were young, and this control thing allows you to bring some of that power back into your life, but in a destructive way. I'm not sure I'm on the right track here, but am I close?

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Parthon

You should listen to this guy, he has lots of great advice.

Remember, change is slow, nothing happens instantly, and things like therapy take forever. You are broken and need to be fixed.

Sorry about ragging you out like this Subscreet, but honestly, going to a therapist to solve my problems would be like going to a butcher to become a vegetarian, or going to a bartender for advice on how to quit drinking. They make money by keeping you coming back to them. There are the rare ones that really do solve problems for real and forever, so if you manage to find one, go to them. But I think it's a good idea to drop a therapist when they aren't beneficial to you anymore.

Until you find a new one though, you could spend time being your own therapist. Now, while what happened when you were 2 1/2 could have impacted on you, it would have been compounded in the upteen years since. You spoke of using sex to be in control, to be the master, and you say you still use that tactic on your boyfriend, to get him interested. This whole "not interested" thing is just another layer you've invented on top. I mean you get your boyfriend all interested, and then you shut down. How much more control do you need.

The question to ask yourself though, would be why do you feel like you need to be in control? You mention your father, but I think it's less about the sexual abuse, and more about the emotional and spiritual abuse he put you through. There was never a loving connection between you and he was one to control your life, and perhaps your mother's too. I think it's a case of feeling powerless since you were young, and this control thing allows you to bring some of that power back into your life, but in a destructive way. I'm not sure I'm on the right track here, but am I close?

Thanks for your thoughts and insight.

The funny thing about psychology and all this insight is that while it is helpful, it isn't enough if there isn't desire and will to change.

I have a BA in psychology and I have analyzed so much of this but at the end of the day, all of that information cannot heal the wounds you know? This is why I have lost a little faith in psychologists and what have you. I have been to so many and I have heard it all, really, and its just the same old stuff.

My therapist told me that I know a lot about my problems and I have a lot of insight. I just need to apply that insight.

I know I want control. I know I want control because of powerlessness in my past. Ok, so where do I go from here, knowing that information? How does that help me? (I am not asking in a mocking way but asking this question to myself)

I wanted to say that my boyfriend and I never had sex, since we are waiting till marriage, but I use my body as a way as seduction.

I just don't know how to let go of this need to be in control.

I am afraid that my past and all the bad things in it will ultimately prevent me from a life of joy, peace, healthy ways of coping and loving.

Hope this answers your question. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by smilingaway

The funny thing about psychology and all this insight is that while it is helpful, it isn't enough if there isn't desire and will to change.

Smilingaway, if there isn't desire and will to change, why are you wasting our time?

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Angela

Smilingaway, if there isn't desire and will to change, why are you wasting our time?

I never said I didn't have desire and will to change. I believe that my inner child is scared of trusting and being close but there is genuine desire and change inside.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by smilingaway

I never said I didn't have desire and will to change. I believe that my inner child is scared of trusting and being close but there is genuine desire and change inside.

Why did you say this --

The funny thing about psychology and all this insight is that while it is helpful, it isn't enough if there isn't desire and will to change.

??

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why did you say this --



??

I feel like I am being interrogated! While I understand we all have different personalities and approaches to the people who write on these boards, I feel a little uneasy with your questioning. I feel attacked.

I already gave you my answer and now I am being drilled on it. I am confused by your reaction.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by smilingaway

I am confused by your reaction.

Take a look. In the space of just a few posts, you stated two apparently conflicting things:

A)The funny thing about psychology and all this insight is that while it is helpful, it isn't enough if there isn't desire and will to change.
....

B)I never said I didn't have desire and will to change. I believe that my inner child is scared of trusting and being close but there is genuine desire and change inside.

I read A), that first part, in context, several times, and I can't figure out what you meant by that other than that there isn't desire and will to change. That's why I asked -- not to interrogate or attack you.

I ask you to ask your self the question -- why did you say that first part -- because consciously "there is genuine desire and change inside." I'm not asking your for what you know you know -- the insight you've gleaned from therapy -- I'm asking you to ask yourself for your inner truth of why you said that, because you have communicated a conflict, and perhaps there is an inner conflict that you are not consciously aware of. Since you responded defensively (you felt attacked or threatened), this appears to have pushed your buttons, so even more reason to look boldly.

You don't have to answer my questions or even read them, of course. I do ask you to consider my question at least to yourself, though. If you've ever read my posts, and I've got a million of 'em, you know I don't pussyfoot around when I see gold glinting.

[Eric Revelin]

Calm down, I doubt she meant to attack you.

She raises an important point- there's a contradiction in what you're saying. To be perfectly honest it looks like you're playing the victim to gain our sympathy and you're not really interested in getting to the root of this. Imagine I'm saying that very calmly and matter-of-factly, because that's how I mean it- not as a judgement but an observation.

Is it incorrect? I don't know your head and your heart so yes, I might be. Just try to be mindful of how you come across. It'll make it easier for us to give you feedback.

Now, what I'm taking from this is:

1. You want change but you lack motivation. You're right, your knowledge won't do you one lick of good on its own, and depending on your personality you might fail in applying it unless you've got a strong reason for doing it. If you haven't already, look for something that impassions you, a new vision that inspires you, and use that as the fire to get your efforts off the ground.

2. I think you might be using your story to gain control by garnering sympathy. I don't think you're doing it consciously in this instance, and again it might be a misperception. It's just something to take into account. I'm sure you've seen yourself that when people need control they'll often do whatever they must to ensure that the people around them feel what they want them to feel. If that's the case then it'll be easier to work with you if you're aware of it. Consciously interrupting such patterns is key.

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Angela

Take a look. In the space of just a few posts, you stated two apparently conflicting things:



I read A), that first part, in context, several times, and I can't figure out what you meant by that other than that there isn't desire and will to change. That's why I asked -- not to interrogate or attack you.

I ask you to ask your self the question -- why did you say that first part -- because consciously "there is genuine desire and change inside." I'm not asking your for what you know you know -- the insight you've gleaned from therapy -- I'm asking you to ask yourself for your inner truth of why you said that, because you have communicated a conflict, and perhaps there is an inner conflict that you are not consciously aware of. Since you responded defensively (you felt attacked or threatened), this appears to have pushed your buttons, so even more reason to look boldly.

You don't have to answer my questions or even read them, of course. I do ask you to consider my question at least to yourself, though. If you've ever read my posts, and I've got a million of 'em, you know I don't pussyfoot around when I see gold glinting.

My psychologist has always stressed desire to change and I have reminded myself of this insight for many months. However, my inner child does fear intimacy and trust, but that does not imply that I am not desiring change as the adult. I do believe that there is conflict between both and I believe this is because I do not have resolved issues from my childhood. I believe that there will always be conflict in every human being, its just the frequency and duration and that is important.

Are there times when I don't want to change? Of course.
Are there times when I do want to change? Of course. As I become older and more consistent, I have found that my desire to change has become stronger.

Like Margaret Paul (inner child psychotherapist) has theorized that there must be an intent to learn, not to protect. When we protect, we cannot learn.

[Angela]

Are there times when I don't want to change? Of course.
Are there times when I do want to change? Of course. As I become older and more consistent, I have found that my desire to change has become stronger.

You might want to notice that one of those times you do want to change occurred just 15 minutes after one of those times when you don't want to change.

If you keep one foot on the brake and one foot on the gas pedal, don't be too surprised if you don't get anywhere!

Again, if you ask yourself for your inner truth right now about why you (or your inner child) says the things you say (she says) rather than going immediately to what you know you know about yourself, and what you and your psychiatrist have already figured out -- as Margaret Paul suggests, learn rather than protecting -- you might find that there is some surprising new revelation for you.

Isn't new revelation what you're here for? I think so. I think you're ready for a breakthrough. That's why you showed up.

[funchy]

What you're describing does not require childhood abuse, so I wouldn't say that's necessarily a cause. I'm a 30something female, and I've had this happen a few times short-term over the years.

Anything from stress to depression to hormone imbalance will cause a woman's libido to go to zero. Sudden weight gain will mess with hormones. Issues with part of your reproductive tract can cause hormone problems and you may not realize it. The pill, depo, and other hormone contraception in some women can mess with hormone balance. Extreme diet imbalances can also affect it. Stress, poor self esteem, or poor health can also dampen your desire.

I would suggest you talk this over with a doc, especially a gyn. However, it's been my experience the medical field has put a ton of energy into solving male sexual issues and very little is known about women. It still might be wise to rule out hormone, thyroid, and other obvious problems.

Do you also feel tired? A little disinterested in other things?

Sudden weight gain or loss?

Are you getting enough quality sleep?

How do you feel about your body right now? Do you like how you look? Do you feel sexy?

How is the relationship with him? Do do you feel pressured sometimes? Do you tense up when you sense he might be about to hint about sex?

[Parthon]

smilingaway: I'm going to lay something flat.

You don't want to change. Like you said, you've been to a tonne of therapists, and you've got a BA in psychology, I bet you've even psychoanalysed a few other people including yourself, and have reasons for why you are the way you are. Your inner child, your super ego, your id, your past, your beliefs, whatever you want to call it. But you know, deep down, beneath all that surface knowledge, that what you know really isn't making a difference. I bet you know that all that knowledge you've collected hasn't really freed you up for anything. All this discovery and all this knowledge has turned out to be so much mental masturbation in the end. What you are missing, is a plan, right?

Now this is the tricky part, noone ever wants to change. Change is hard, change is difficult. Self discovery is easy, and psychoanalysis is a picnic compared to fundamentally changing who you think you are. The catch is that the billion and a half reasons you have for being the way you are aren't doing squat to get you out of the situation. If figuring out who you are hasn't helped, and you really want to be different and shift the way you act and the results you are getting, then perhaps you haven't figured out who you are: or more specifically, who you are isn't what you've figured out. Who you are is a creation, a decision, a choice. Who you are doesn't stem from what you know, or what you've done, but on what you plan and what you do next. Who you are is not where you've been, it's where you are going. So .. how do you change where you are going?

You have to root up old values and replace them with new values, and you have to practice living in alignment with them, rather than in alignment with all your old junk. If you want to progress, the first thing to do is write down a list of those things that are important to you, those things that you really want. Dig deep and go really down into it. Really feel your emotional connection to each goal, and if you can't summon the passion for them, then ask yourself, "Is it really a goal I want?" If the answer is no, then drop the goal, without even looking back. It's not for you, and it never should have been. Then using that list, make another list of the things currently in your life that are stopping you from obtaining those goals. Things, people, personality quirks you have, and beliefs you are ingrained with that hold you back. Ask yourself, "I want <blah>, what's stopping me?" then write what you think of. You will end up with two lists, the first representing a path to plan out, and the second representing those parts of yourself to discard, and by that, make the conscious choice to honour the first list over the second. Every time you catch yourself on the second list, think of something on the first list you are more empowered by. There's of course way more to it than this small review, but you can see what I'm getting at.

After all this psychoanalysis, you have it all figured out, but you haven't got a path, no destination, and the traps under your feet are still there. Until you have something pulling you up and out, forward into the life you want, your past will mire you down. Until you make the choice to leave the past in the past where it belongs, and decide to create a different future, filled with things that are important to you, then the past will continually slow you down.

So, what's important to you?

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Eric Revelin

Calm down, I doubt she meant to attack you.

She raises an important point- there's a contradiction in what you're saying. To be perfectly honest it looks like you're playing the victim to gain our sympathy and you're not really interested in getting to the root of this. Imagine I'm saying that very calmly and matter-of-factly, because that's how I mean it- not as a judgement but an observation.

Is it incorrect? I don't know your head and your heart so yes, I might be. Just try to be mindful of how you come across. It'll make it easier for us to give you feedback.

Now, what I'm taking from this is:

1. You want change but you lack motivation. You're right, your knowledge won't do you one lick of good on its own, and depending on your personality you might fail in applying it unless you've got a strong reason for doing it. If you haven't already, look for something that impassions you, a new vision that inspires you, and use that as the fire to get your efforts off the ground.

2. I think you might be using your story to gain control by garnering sympathy. I don't think you're doing it consciously in this instance, and again it might be a misperception. It's just something to take into account. I'm sure you've seen yourself that when people need control they'll often do whatever they must to ensure that the people around them feel what they want them to feel. If that's the case then it'll be easier to work with you if you're aware of it. Consciously interrupting such patterns is key.

I understand that its difficult to understand the motivations of people who write on these forums. Some may do it for attention (and I know we have seen plenty of those), some may do it to feed into their victim role, some may do it because they genuinely want to seek help, others do it for many reasons.

I admit its upsetting to hear that some people on here think that I may be using my story for sympathy when that was not my intent. I am a very private person and I rarely seek help on forums but this time I thought it could do me some good. And I do appreciate all the posts thus far. I sincerely enjoy engaging in personal development related conversation.

While I do not agree with some things that you have written, I am appreciative of your thoughts. .Thanks for taking the time to comment and being honest.

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Angela

You might want to notice that one of those times you do want to change occurred just 15 minutes after one of those times when you don't want to change.

If you keep one foot on the brake and one foot on the gas pedal, don't be too surprised if you don't get anywhere!

Again, if you ask yourself for your inner truth right now about why you (or your inner child) says the things you say (she says) rather than going immediately to what you know you know about yourself, and what you and your psychiatrist have already figured out -- as Margaret Paul suggests, learn rather than protecting -- you might find that there is some surprising new revelation for you.

Isn't new revelation what you're here for? I think so. I think you're ready for a breakthrough. That's why you showed up.

This is very true. I love those moments when you say "Ah, ha!" Don't we all? I know...but one thing that I admire about myself is I have always had a desire to learn. Since I was a child, I sought out answers at the library, from teachers, parents to questions that bugged me. This attribute has served me well and I believe it will carry me the distance when it comes to new and future discoveries.

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by funchy

What you're describing does not require childhood abuse, so I wouldn't say that's necessarily a cause. I'm a 30something female, and I've had this happen a few times short-term over the years.

Anything from stress to depression to hormone imbalance will cause a woman's libido to go to zero. Sudden weight gain will mess with hormones. Issues with part of your reproductive tract can cause hormone problems and you may not realize it. The pill, depo, and other hormone contraception in some women can mess with hormone balance. Extreme diet imbalances can also affect it. Stress, poor self esteem, or poor health can also dampen your desire.

I would suggest you talk this over with a doc, especially a gyn. However, it's been my experience the medical field has put a ton of energy into solving male sexual issues and very little is known about women. It still might be wise to rule out hormone, thyroid, and other obvious problems.

Do you also feel tired? A little disinterested in other things?

Sudden weight gain or loss?

Are you getting enough quality sleep?

How do you feel about your body right now? Do you like how you look? Do you feel sexy?

How is the relationship with him? Do do you feel pressured sometimes? Do you tense up when you sense he might be about to hint about sex?

Thank you for your thoughts.

I admit that I haven't been on the best sleep cycle. I do need to push myself into getting up earlier and going to bed before 2 am.

The past couple years I have been eating a lot healthier. More organic, less processed foods, more veggies/fruits and grains.

I exercise a lot more than I used to and I like how my body looks. I have trouble with certain features like my nose and my arms, though. Generally, I feel sexy.

I have struggled with low energy my entire life. I have been to a doctor to check my thyroid and the tests have been negative.

Stress has been a factor but I have experienced a lot of stress in my life and that did not seem to affect it as much as today.

Emotionally, the relationship is very well. I did feel pressure with him and since I told him about that, he has not pressured me. I do feel tense when he hints about sex.

I believe that I need to get on a better sleep cycle, limit the amount of stress, and engage in fun hobbies.

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Parthon

smilingaway: I'm going to lay something flat.

You don't want to change. Like you said, you've been to a tonne of therapists, and you've got a BA in psychology, I bet you've even psychoanalysed a few other people including yourself, and have reasons for why you are the way you are. Your inner child, your super ego, your id, your past, your beliefs, whatever you want to call it. But you know, deep down, beneath all that surface knowledge, that what you know really isn't making a difference. I bet you know that all that knowledge you've collected hasn't really freed you up for anything. All this discovery and all this knowledge has turned out to be so much mental masturbation in the end. What you are missing, is a plan, right?

Now this is the tricky part, noone ever wants to change. Change is hard, change is difficult. Self discovery is easy, and psychoanalysis is a picnic compared to fundamentally changing who you think you are. The catch is that the billion and a half reasons you have for being the way you are aren't doing squat to get you out of the situation. If figuring out who you are hasn't helped, and you really want to be different and shift the way you act and the results you are getting, then perhaps you haven't figured out who you are: or more specifically, who you are isn't what you've figured out. Who you are is a creation, a decision, a choice. Who you are doesn't stem from what you know, or what you've done, but on what you plan and what you do next. Who you are is not where you've been, it's where you are going. So .. how do you change where you are going?

You have to root up old values and replace them with new values, and you have to practice living in alignment with them, rather than in alignment with all your old junk. If you want to progress, the first thing to do is write down a list of those things that are important to you, those things that you really want. Dig deep and go really down into it. Really feel your emotional connection to each goal, and if you can't summon the passion for them, then ask yourself, "Is it really a goal I want?" If the answer is no, then drop the goal, without even looking back. It's not for you, and it never should have been. Then using that list, make another list of the things currently in your life that are stopping you from obtaining those goals. Things, people, personality quirks you have, and beliefs you are ingrained with that hold you back. Ask yourself, "I want <blah>, what's stopping me?" then write what you think of. You will end up with two lists, the first representing a path to plan out, and the second representing those parts of yourself to discard, and by that, make the conscious choice to honour the first list over the second. Every time you catch yourself on the second list, think of something on the first list you are more empowered by. There's of course way more to it than this small review, but you can see what I'm getting at.

After all this psychoanalysis, you have it all figured out, but you haven't got a path, no destination, and the traps under your feet are still there. Until you have something pulling you up and out, forward into the life you want, your past will mire you down. Until you make the choice to leave the past in the past where it belongs, and decide to create a different future, filled with things that are important to you, then the past will continually slow you down.

So, what's important to you?

Again, thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

I believe who I am is a collection of many things: past and present. And that is both a good and bad thing.

I agree that insight cannot do anything without action. I also agree that the past can slow me down and that I need to leave it behind me.

And its not that I do not want change its that I become easily discouraged. It's having that focus on the goal, the consistent and stable mindset, and discipline that have been difficult to obtain. But, I have to remain patient and diligent.

About a week ago, I have already decided to make some big steps in my recovery and it is important to have that type of action. But I will try the activity that you suggested. Thanks!

[Happybird]

Originally Posted by smilingaway

And its not that I do not want change its that I become easily discouraged. It's having that focus on the goal, the consistent and stable mindset, and discipline that have been difficult to obtain. But, I have to remain patient and diligent.

Hey Smilingaway, I have a few ideas to share, maybe they will be of some help. I'm just rambling about what comes into my mind, so dont be surprised if it doesnt make much sense

Originally Posted by smilingaway

I have noticed that I am more attracted to the bad boy image or the distant type. My boyfriend is very engaging and caring, something my father is not. I have read that you tend to seek out the opposite sex that reminds you of your relationship with your parents.

First of all, I strongly doubt this has anything to do with the relationship with your parents. It is because as a woman, you are biologically wired to be attracted to "bad" boys. (Goes for every single woman that I know) Sweet and caring guys simply are not sexually attractive to women. It's stupid, I know, but that does not make it any less true Women are much less attracted to physical aspects of men than vice versa. Women are biologically attracted to somewhat dominant, powerful men (e.g. the ones that are most likely to provide healthy and successful offspring). Maybe your boyfriend should start reading up a bit on how to seduce a woman (I'm way too nice for a man also, so don't send him to me ). Alternatively, consider ending your romantic relationship and going on as friends. That's what your relationship sounds like to me anyways.

Originally Posted by smilingaway

I wanted to say that my boyfriend and I never had sex, since we are waiting till marriage, but I use my body as a way as seduction.

I just don't know how to let go of this need to be in control.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be saying here that you think you can "buy" love with your body. That seducing your boyfriend with your body is the way in which you prevent him from leaving you. And that you can "safely" have sex in a marriage, because then he is bound to you by marriage and hence will not leave.

If this is all true, then my advice would be: either finish your relationship and find someone you are sexually attracted to AND trust or explore sexuality with your boyfriend, and do NOT wait till you are married. I suggest that you learn to let go of control.... simply by letting go of control. If you hold on to not having sex as a tool of keeping your boyfriend, then maybe you should just let go of this tool. Marriage should not be a prison, and neither should the sexual attraction that your boyfriend feels for you be a prison. Maybe letting go of this "tool" will sever the connection between "sex" and "control" in your mind, so that you may actually learn to enjoy sex for what it is (a pleasant activity, a way of giving love) instead of mixing it up with things that have nothing to do with it.

Keep in mind that I write these things in the hope that they might help you. Good luck on your search!


p.s. Maybe you should read some of Steve's articles about scarcity and abundance thinking in relationships, these may be of help.

[painofsalvation]

Why do you feel you need to be with your boyfriend? Have you considered being alone for a while? Maybe being by yourself, without the weight of a relationship on your shoulders, will help you gain some clarity.

I went through a time in my life where I didn't want to be with anybody so I broke a long term relationship. I rarely had sex and I didn't miss it at all because I was focusing on other personal goals. After a couple of years I naturally felt the need to find a partner and things went great.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by smilingaway

Again, thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

I believe who I am is a collection of many things: past and present. And that is both a good and bad thing.

I agree that insight cannot do anything without action. I also agree that the past can slow me down and that I need to leave it behind me.

And its not that I do not want change its that I become easily discouraged. It's having that focus on the goal, the consistent and stable mindset, and discipline that have been difficult to obtain. But, I have to remain patient and diligent.

About a week ago, I have already decided to make some big steps in my recovery and it is important to have that type of action. But I will try the activity that you suggested. Thanks!

Blah blah blah.

What's important to you?

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Happybird

Hey Smilingaway, I have a few ideas to share, maybe they will be of some help. I'm just rambling about what comes into my mind, so dont be surprised if it doesnt make much sense



First of all, I strongly doubt this has anything to do with the relationship with your parents. It is because as a woman, you are biologically wired to be attracted to "bad" boys. (Goes for every single woman that I know) Sweet and caring guys simply are not sexually attractive to women. It's stupid, I know, but that does not make it any less true Women are much less attracted to physical aspects of men than vice versa. Women are biologically attracted to somewhat dominant, powerful men (e.g. the ones that are most likely to provide healthy and successful offspring). Maybe your boyfriend should start reading up a bit on how to seduce a woman (I'm way too nice for a man also, so don't send him to me ). Alternatively, consider ending your romantic relationship and going on as friends. That's what your relationship sounds like to me anyways.



Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be saying here that you think you can "buy" love with your body. That seducing your boyfriend with your body is the way in which you prevent him from leaving you. And that you can "safely" have sex in a marriage, because then he is bound to you by marriage and hence will not leave.

If this is all true, then my advice would be: either finish your relationship and find someone you are sexually attracted to AND trust or explore sexuality with your boyfriend, and do NOT wait till you are married. I suggest that you learn to let go of control.... simply by letting go of control. If you hold on to not having sex as a tool of keeping your boyfriend, then maybe you should just let go of this tool. Marriage should not be a prison, and neither should the sexual attraction that your boyfriend feels for you be a prison. Maybe letting go of this "tool" will sever the connection between "sex" and "control" in your mind, so that you may actually learn to enjoy sex for what it is (a pleasant activity, a way of giving love) instead of mixing it up with things that have nothing to do with it.

Keep in mind that I write these things in the hope that they might help you. Good luck on your search!


p.s. Maybe you should read some of Steve's articles about scarcity and abundance thinking in relationships, these may be of help.

I appreciate your thoughts on this.

I found the part about women being attracted to more dominant men interesting. My boyfriend is not as outspoken as me and tends to hold back when it comes to vocalizing complaints/irritations/thoughts. I discussed this with him tonight and i found it helpful. He realizes that he needs to be more of the dominant man that is attractive to me. Instead of always letting me pick the resturant, he needs to tell me where he wants to go and that we should go there.

I already feel a little more sexually attracted to him when I think of him more dominant and aggressive. Except for this past year, we were always wanting each other and I found him sexually attracted. But I believe a lot of stress, our long distance relationship (which I forgot to mention), and perhaps a biological component all has taken its toll.

While I appreciate your thoughts about sex before marriage, I believe it is better to wait. It's something I have been committed to doing since I was a teenager and I want to stay committed to this goal of mine. But it has crossed my mind and my boyfriend and I have discussed it many of times.

I believe that the long distance has something to do with it and hopefully that will be resolved.

Thanks for your thoughts!!

[smilingaway]

Originally Posted by Parthon

Blah blah blah.

What's important to you?

Love, joy, peace.

Being with people that I love and that make me laugh.