Problems with my partner's siblings.

[Gecka]

Well, I was wondering how others might have dealt with this problem.

Problem being that my partner's siblings and best friend have rejected me. They don't like me and take measures to avoid me or when they are forced to tolerate my presence they are passive aggressive towards me. In so much that when I bring up the actions that I found mean my boyfriend says that he doesn't want drama and that he's taking all actions at face value and not reading into it.

That he's torn between his loyalty to his family and his partnership with me. That he's frustrated with defending me to his family and hearing me get upset with their actions. And now the people that were the closest to him are turning their backs on him because I'm in the equation, when they were previously used to having 24/7 access to his undivided attention.

I'm a very sensitive person and it hurts having the people closest to my partner be mean to me and my boyfriend get upset with me when I'm wanting to be comforted.

[tc33]

Do you know how to cut someone's brake lines in their car? You see, what you do is take a pair of pliers and a screwdriver...just kidding!

* bump *

[Lauxa]

I would probably get out of the relationship. In my opinion, you don't just marry a person, you marry into a family. If his family sucks, that can be a good enough reason to get out. Think about how it will be when you have kids, all the family gatherings you will have to go to, etc., etc. Ideally you want the support of the whole family, and at the very least you need him to stand up for you against them. Plus, the behaviour of the sibs gives some insight into how he was raised and the family values.

Just my 2 cents. I just know that having the support of my MIL has meant the world to me, and I am so grateful to be able to have a good relationship with my husbands friends and brother as well.

[Gecka]

Yes, I can see the problems in the future with the family things. It's tough too because everyone else in his family gets along with me except those 3. His mom and dad adore me. For thanksgiving they invited me, and said that if his sister has a problem with it she can decide if she wants to come or not. (She had to work, and told my boyfriend not to wait around for her to get there).

I guess that I'm trying to be optimistic, because all 3 of them haven't been in long term relationships before, so they don't understand the time commitment that it takes. And I'm hoping that when they get significant others that they'll understand and get over whatever grudge they have right now.

[Lauxa]

That's a good sign if you get along with his parents, they are more important than the sibs anyways.

[Matthew Shea]

Quote:

"all 3 of them haven't been in long term relationships before"

That should tell you all you need to know. They're jealous. This is a classic case. You're the strange woman who came along and stole their brother from them. My sister does this to a lesser extent in the way she interacts with my wife. My sister has also never been in a long term relationship. There are a number of things you can do. If you're close enough to his parents, you might raise a concern about his sisters' jealousy to them and ask for their support. You might also try to involve them in your social life or find other ways to reassure them that you're not "stealing" their brother. You could also be direct and tell them straight out that you're not here to steal their brother, so don't worry. If it's your style, you might even inject a bit of sarcastic humor to diffuse the situation ala "Oh don't worry. I'm just here to chew him up and enjoy his fruity flavor for a while. You'll get him back after I spit him out." Breaking up might be a bit extreme, but if it's bad enough you might go that route, especially since, if you get married (which can make this worse, BTW), you might be dealing with this for your entire life unless you solve it now. Ultimately, them getting a boyfriend and a good social life of their own will go the furthest toward solving this.

Whatever you choose to do, and it's only your decision to make of course, know that you're certainly not the only one who's ever dealt with this. Far from it. I know of much worse cases than either yours or mine.

[Erik Mazzone]

Hi Gecka. Sorry to hear about that, that sucks.

This is a pretty common problem in relationships -- the divided loyalties between the old important relationships and the new ones.

The key here for you to focus on is how satisfied are you with the way your partner is handling the situation? When all is said and done, while it sucks to have important people in his life treat you badly, the most important issue is how does he handle it. His handling of it can either make you feel like he has got your back or like you are left hanging in the breeze.

Figure out how his actions are stacking up, and then talk to him about it. It's a tough spot for him, and talking about it may help you both get on the same page.

[Holistic Star]

I'm currently piggy in the middle between 2 friends who aren't getting on and it's horrible. Feeling like I have to choose makes me feel sad and uncomfortable and I hate it when one starts slagging the other off. In fact I won't listen to it because I find it so upsetting.

So please don't put any pressure on him to chose, or expect him to do something about it. The fact that you mention that he gets upset when you point out their actions means that he is probably feeling very split loyalties already. Yes their behaviour sucks, but you are going to have to rise above it and not mention it too much to him otherwise they are going to win and destroy your relationship.

His parents like you and are aware of how childish the siblings behaviour is. So ride it out, be all joy and light and the pleasant person to be around. Find another way to let of steam - e.g. talk to your girlfriends when you are with them you can laugh at their pathetic jealous behaviour. He wants to be with you remember, because you aren't a vindictive, moany, jealous moo like his siblings. So be that wonderful person that you are.

[Gecka]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

So ride it out, be all joy and light and the pleasant person to be around. ...He wants to be with you remember, because you aren't a vindictive, moany, jealous moo like his siblings. So be that wonderful person that you are.

Ya, I understand that. I've been trying to see the lesson to learn in all this. And I know one is to learn not to take things too personally. It's tough, but slowly I'm getting there.

[Gordon]

Originally Posted by Gecka

Well, I was wondering how others might have dealt with this problem.

Problem being that my partner's siblings and best friend have rejected me. They don't like me and take measures to avoid me or when they are forced to tolerate my presence they are passive aggressive towards me. In so much that when I bring up the actions that I found mean my boyfriend says that he doesn't want drama and that he's taking all actions at face value and not reading into it.

That he's torn between his loyalty to his family and his partnership with me. That he's frustrated with defending me to his family and hearing me get upset with their actions. And now the people that were the closest to him are turning their backs on him because I'm in the equation, when they were previously used to having 24/7 access to his undivided attention.

I'm a very sensitive person and it hurts having the people closest to my partner be mean to me and my boyfriend get upset with me when I'm wanting to be comforted.

Hello Gecka,

I thought I was reading my own story there..LOL.

Well I have a set of in laws that treat me the same way. Which of course is very destructive. They do this with everyone and the behaviour has been going on for years and years, long before even I was on the scene. Oh the stories I could tell...one of which I will slightly tell to illustrate a point.

When I met my other half some 5 years ago now, she was just getting back to work after being signed off with stress. A big part of which her doctor said had been caused by her family. The family don't recognise the damage they have done and continue to blame me....even although I wasn't even around.

The family has serious unresolved issues....(there's an understatement)...all of my partnerts family members have failed relationships. Now I am not just talking about her brother and sister, I am talking BIG her...her mum and dad, her aunts and uncles, her cousins....as far as I know the whole lot of them have failed relationships. The father even disappeared for 8 years and had no contact with his own children during that time. My mother-in-law won't even visit her own daughter and grandson because of her ignorance. She has even said that she won't look after him....how about that one...he's 2.

Yes, I get crappy treatment too. But to avoid it getting to me and this what I think you need to be doing too.....I sat my other half down and said, there is no way that I want anything more to do with your family. I Don't want to know what they get up to, what they have done or even what they think of me. Because, to use a quote...."Energy flow, where attentions goes" My energy and yours too Gecko is far too important to let it be controlled by a destructive negative family...stay away from them.


Your other half will have to face up to the facts that his own family are behaving this way and he will find himself with even more crap coming his way, because you won't be getting it anymore....so they through it his way.

He will wake up to the fact that this is happening and will have to do something. I have never stopped my other half from visiting her family or taking our son to visit them...my son is not a bargaining chip in any sense. But my other half said the other day, you know what, my (her) family, just don't deserve such a great wee boy as a grandson.

It's still a journey I am on at the moment. And I am sure you will get through it too. One thing I want to say in closing is that this is not your fault at all...these people have serious issues, which are not your responsibilities to sort out. So crack open the champagne and tell him the new, you are divorcing his family!!

G