Help with difficult parents

[whilton whippers]

Hi all,

I am new to this site and found it looking for help and advice to a problem I have with my parents at the moment.

Here goes with my dilema.......

I am soon to be 36 years old and have lived with my partner for the last 6 years. Prior to that I was married, married at 25 and divorced at 30. I had a huge amount of stress with my parents about my first wedding because we had a civil service in a hotel and not a church wedding even though none of the family are church goers. I lived at home with my parents until my first wedding day. They have always had a strong hold over me (I am an only child) and have always been very critical and demanding. If I don't do things the way they want they are not happy and causw friction and upset.

When I got together with my new partner after divorcing (I was living by myself at the time in my own house) and he moved in they commented on ''how will that make us feel if we don't like him''. Moved on from that problem after weeks of no contact. That is how it has always been with them.

I work for a large UK bank and have always done very well, earning a good salary and progressed to a good level. Mum has never said 'well done'' just resented the money I get paid and said 'it is disgusting all these trips abroad you go on with the Bank (incentive holidays for exceptional performance) it is immoral' . She has also said to a relative that I am a huge disappointment to her.

Both myself and my partner work very hard at work and at home and his two children aged 9 and 11 stay with us every other weekend. We have several holidays a year and mum just comments that my life is all play and nothing else and tells me to grow up and that there is more to life than playing.

She is constantly telling me to have my own children and provide her with grandchildren as they are missing out. I have never been the maternal type as very little contact all my life with young children or babies and it is not something I wish to do at the moment. I know I will soon be 36 but do not want children at the moment, maybe I will change my mind as I get older.

To the current problem....thought the background might help....

A group of 6 of us are going skiing to Calafornia at the beginning of March and whilst we are out there my partner and I have decided to get married. Because it is a second marriage for both of us we only want a small affair with no fuss or hassle (ha ha!!).

I told my mum last night on the phone that we were getting married this year and her first comment was ''why''. Not congratulates just ''why''. Then went on to tell that we were getting married in America and the tyraid started...''trust you, put your mates first we are always bottom of the pile, no consideration for us. Why do you have to do it in America''. Tried to explain about the beautiful location but she wasn't interested and threw it back at me about my first wedding and how all that was wrong because not in a church. She then put the phone down in disgust.

Half hour later dad rings back ''you have really upset us'', ''yes dad and you have upset me''. Dad replied ''come off it this is all your doing what have you got to be upset about just just dont do things in the right way''. I tried responding about how thousands of people go abroad to get married but he just said about being selfish and always doing things my way with no regard for them. By this time I had had enough and said ''for once I am going to do what I want and not be told by you what I should be doing'' and then the phone line went dead again!!

I am now not expecting any contact from them until I give in yet again and phone them.

As always I feel the guilty party and in the wrong and had a sleepless night stressing about it.

Am I the selfish daughter who gives no regards to her parents feelings or are they being unreasonable?

It would be nice to receive an unbiased view on the situation and any help or advice that you can give.

Thanks for reading

[Annabelle]

Welcome to the forums. This is a really neat place.
About your situation with the parents...well, it is my feeling that you need to separate from them. You know, you can still love them from afar...But it is YOU that need to stop needing their approval. You cannot change the way they are, but you certainly can change how to interact with them. How nice to have such a great job as yours! I would be very proud of myself!
And by the way, congratulations about the wedding!

[ns123]

I have a similar relationship with my own parents. My parents are proud of me that I am financially well off, but they also resent it because I am financially more well than them. So they throw it in my face a lot - "oh yeah, you can do that because you have money."

Here is how it plays out, I say we are doing something (like a huge remodel) and my parents go, "that's cuz you have money, must be nice." And they say it with contempt. Then I roll my eyes and I say, "whatever." Not without contempt of my own.

The problem is, when this plays out, it leaves us both feeling unloved and upset. It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong, we are both feeling like total crap is the result.

Now, replay this scenario many times over, not just with money, but with any kind of success I have I my life (as well as yours). They are proud of me, but they also resent me because my success activates a limiting belief they have that if I'm successful, I'm "better" than them, which makes them "less" so they have to put me in my place. It sounds like your parents are a lot like mine.

Your parents don't hate you, and they are not bad parents. They hold a very strong limiting belief that holds them back from fully loving and appreciating for who you are. And yes, it hurts you. And you can tell them so, but you have, and it has not been very productive. Nor will it be productive for me to tell my parents "how it is."

So here's a new playbook for you. Next time, they rub it in your face of your success, be generous with them. Stop the cycle by saying something like, "You know, Mom, the reason why I'm so successful is because of YOU GUYS. You gave me a strong sense of values based on hard work, honesty, and perseverance. And I just wanted to thank you for that, because it is the foundation that have given me the ability to be truly happy." Say something like that, and see what happens.

So, in this case, with your wedding and your new man, instead of saying, yeah, well you hurt me too and stop telling me what to do! - you could be generous and acknowledge their feelings and maybe come up with a way that they can be "there" for your wedding, but not really there. Marriage is a big deal and they probably feel cut off from you since they were not there for your first marriage, and will not be able to experience so many things they are looking forward with you (like grandkids). I'm not saying that they are right to control you, but you have to admit, missing out on your daughter's marriage not getting to experience being grandparents kind of sucks. That doesn't mean you have to go out and breed for them.

So, instead of lashing out at them (which is understandable that you did), you could find it in your heart to be generous with them and include them in some part of your life. So maybe you can say something like this:
"I'm sorry that you feel hurt, but I don't want a big wedding. But I understand that you would want to be a part of this special day, so I am planning on including you in.... (whatever) when I get back. "

That said, I have promised myself to be generous with my family too, and be loving. I don't always follow through, but the good news is, I will have millions of opportunities to do so, as they will always find a way to annoy and irritate me.

Good luck.

[Bella75]

Hi I sympathise with you as my parents treat me in a similar way. Although I am not the best person to give advice because of my family problems I would say that weddings always bring out the best and worst in people. I had constant critisicism from my parents for my choices in my wedding and they never even bothered to come to the reception and knowing they were my only family. I wish i had gone abroad as their contribution was almost nil and selfish. Whatever I did they would have found reason to be unhappy so I could have got married anywhere. But despite all this I am glad they saw me get married because they are my parents. But only you can decide what feels right for you and what makes you happy. Hope I havent depressed you with my woes ! Have a wonderful weddingx

[RT Wolf]

Hmm. That's interesting. I dunno if we are unbiased, precisely because you're the one telling the story. As long as you're a reasonable person, you will have a view of the situation that's pretty reasonable but essentially biased. I no longer believe my own stories and wait to hear another person's perspective. Perhaps your parents are feeling unloved adn unappreciated, so they show that in these little ways. Try to really, really undrestand them in a reasonable way. People don't try to really, really understand others, because the more understand person, the more you may be willing ot accept their point of view. But you can indeed pull back and say taht I understand that, but I still prefer things my way. So let's try:

You're dealing with kids and I"m sure you're trying to instill them with values. Whether the child agrees with those values or not being a different issue, imagine what would happen if you tried and the child ignored those values, and, in fact, turned around to spit them in your face with their actions, to the detriment of the child.

[whilton whippers]

Thanks for the comments so far. It is comforting to know that perhaps it is not me in the wrong and that my parents are the selfish ones.

Since it happened there has only been little contact. I phoned them a week ago but they did not answer ( late on a sunday evening so I know they were at home) and have not bothered to return my call since. It does upset me and constantly play on my mind so I phoned them again this evening.

My dad answered and when I asked why they didnt return my call he said that they did not want to speak to me.

He asked why I had not been over to see them and thinks I am being childish. He said that my partner and I should have gone over and sat and discussed with them how we should get married not just told them over the phone that we were going abroad to get married. He then went onto say that they know they are in the right. I replied by saying they were being unrealistic (I am 36 and getting married for a second time) and he said fine thats it then and put the phone down.

By this I assume that they want no further contact with me.

Are they being unrealistic, unreasonable or is it me that is in the wrong for deciding how and where we get married and not consulting them first??

Please help again..........

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by whilton whippers

Am I the selfish daughter who gives no regards to her parents feelings

Originally Posted by whilton whippers

is it me that is in the wrong for deciding how and where we get married and not consulting them first??

What if you are?

[tintin]

GUILT!!!
the games that parents play!
ns123 really like how youre handling it all.

being the BIG man/woman in the situ shud help.because THEY are like being kids!

everytime me mum starts with the guilt trip, in my mind i givem the what i call "kind eyes"
i see her as a child with her own unresolved issues.her fear and guilt as a parent 'that theres sumpin she din do right' appreciate the pain that her mistaken belief of 'i can make it alright for my child' causes her.
mums are just human afterall.NOT a god! not infallible! they musta done some pretty dumb stuff themselves while growing up.

its taken a lot of talking and connecting on an adult -adult level.not parent- child level to have it finally coming together.
tho she does stick me with her infallible pokes once in a while! and i catch myself before i go down the 'mum knows best' street.

the key words?
BIG MAN and KIND EYES

[Susanna77]

GUILT!!!
the games that parents play!

Couldn't agree more. They mess up with our heads.

Congratulations on the wedding, congratulations on being successful and from what I can see you're a very thoughtful human being, so congratulations on that too. It is very hard, even when we know deep in our hearts that our parents are wrong, not to feel the guilt. (They're so SO good at it).

[whilton whippers]

Thanks for your replies they did help me last night.

Mum has since phoned today and requested that I go over to their house tonight for a meeting to sort things out.

When I said that I didnt want a lecture but have an adult to adult conversation she said they she didnt phone for an argument! I tried to say that I wasnt arguing but making a point and she got very defensive and prickly as always.

I now feel sick as a dog at the thought of going 'into the lions den' tonight which is ridiculous as they are my parents. I know what it will be like later - they will tell me how they feel and their opinions and I will listen. When I then try to tell them my opinions and decisions they will ridicule and twist what I say to suit them and we will go round and round in circles and not sort anything out. How can you reason with someone who says ''we know we are right''?

R

[RubberDuck]

Eckhart Tolle has a good one on relationships: YouTube - Being Present in Relationships - Eckhart Tolle

RD

[RT Wolf]

You could set a rule that there would be 50% talking each side. And the rule that listening is important and that the other side determines whether you're listening. You can do that by rephrasing and saying what the other perosn is saying to confirm understanding. You can make these conditions for having the meeting in the first place. If you wanna be particularly cheeky, pick up a good book on communication and mail it to them.

Good luck! I know you have no reason to be, but try to be optimistic about it, they may want to finally have an adult conversation.

[frajilthunder]

Originally Posted by whilton whippers

How can you reason with someone who says ''we know we are right''?

R

They're probably thinking the same thing. You know you're right, right? It's your wedding and you can do it anyway you like, of course. If you want to exclude your parents for whatever reason (asserting your independence?) you have that right. But just because you are entitled to leave your parents out of your wedding, that doesn't make it the wisest choice. Try to show up at your folks house with an open mind. Ask yourself tough questions about your motivation in excluding your parents. Good luck!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

You might try Non-violent communication with your parents. There's a book you should be able to get at the library. Or check out this website: http://http://www.cnvc.org/.

That technique has a way of calming discussions.

[magi13]

tackle t like your presenting a presentation to your boss. show the upside ad downside of your discussion and better yet write it in a huge paper or print it out for your parents.

this way you can show what you feel and trust your own judgment