My girlfriend just broke up with me.

[Foggy]

I don't want her back. She's not the type of person who I want to keep in my life. She has acted with total disregard for my emotions and I cannot bring myself to have someone like that in my life. However, I still feel like a bomb has gone off in my stomach. I feel lost, confused, distrusting of other people and myself. I am upset with myself for the things that I did to help bring the relationship to a close (I was jealous, I played mind games), and I feel that I personally don't deserve another relationship. I keep wanting to call her and try to work things out but I know that she's not the person I want her to be and no matter how much I try I will never have the type of relationship with her that I want. I am not the type of person I want to be either, and the logical side of me says that I should focus on that because I may be able to change it. The scared part of me doesn't believe that I can do anything; that I should just give up on life.

Honestly, I am not looking for advice; or if I am I'm not yet aware of it. I already know how I should deal with the situation, but I've got a lot of emotions in the way. I guess I just feel like being fussed over a bit; perhaps if someone could share motivational break-up/moving-on stories or something it would help me feel a little less isolated right now.

[Angela]

What a horrible feeling, Foggy, and I'm so sorry for the pain of that bomb. All those feelings of regret and undeserving and hopelessness just can be overwhelming -- it really does feel like a bomb, doesn't it? Yuck. You are in my heart, and I'm wishing lots of good processing for you with a minimum of pain.

It's funny, I was just writing on another thread that I wouldn't go back and change the painful relationship stuff from my past, because it was integral in leading me to the wonderful, love-drenched life I'm living now. I needed those experiences in a strange way, painful though they were, and as much as I wondered why the hell I had to go through it when I was in the thick of it.

The pain will pass, and you will mine the lessons you learn for gold. One day not too long from now you'll look up in the middle of a workout or a meal or climbing Mt. Everest and you'll notice: "Oh -- I'm completely over that whole thing." You'll have the learnings, and the pain will be in the past.

Best wishes.

[Foggy]

Thank you Angela. It's good reminder to know that pain is a potential motivator for success. I have learned a lot from pain I've felt in the past and if I was impervious to the pain I'm feeling right now I wouldn't have the potential to grow from it as well.

Ok, here is something I would like some advice on. Is grieving essential to heal wounds? I find that it would be easier to just resume my normal life style and try and avoid feeling sad as much as possible. Is this repressing it though? How do you grieve without letting it take over your life?

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Foggy

It's good reminder to know that pain is a potential motivator for success. I have learned a lot from pain I've felt in the past and if I was impervious to the pain I'm feeling right now I wouldn't have the potential to grow from it as well.

sorry for you pain

that's a good insight to have

you are on the right track foggy -cute name too

[Foggy]

Thank you ltl

Today was a rough day. I told her not to contact me any more. Without going into details, she was particularly inconsiderate about the course of the break-up and where normally I try to stay friends with my exes, I just couldn't justify it in this case. I'm feeling a bit better now, and I don't think it will take me that long to get over her. My friends all cheered me up by coming up with funny ways I could get back at her.

I guess the ultimate truth is that she has done me a favor by disqualifying herself. I've known deep down that she wasn't someone who I would want to be with for the rest of my life, and now I can move on. There were some great things about our relationship, and some great things about her, but we simply aren't a match. I need to mature and in turn find someone who is more mature to share my life with.

[lisamelinda]

i'm so sorry. i know how you feel, my bf broke up with me 3 months ago.. then i have been going through this whole cycle of seeing him and trying to win him back (very soul destroying). i was just so broken (or bent rather). anyway, last night he basically broke up with me again hahah. that's what you get for not letting go! I realised a few things.. a) we are both not where we need to be. He pushes me away, it makes me insecure, so i don't give him space, then he gets claustrophobic, i stop having a life, etc etc. ie not a healthy cycle. I need to change and grow. b) it's true. I've had a really rough time over this, but i am learning a few key things. I'm focusing on myself, on getting fit, on reading books that develop me, etc. i'm young, beautiful and smart, so i'm not going to spend that long crying in bed. So you know the whole 30 days to success thing? my 30 day goal for now is going to be DO NOT CONTACT HIM in any way for 30 days and focus on yourself only. That's going to be my 30 day goal. i miss him already, and just want to pick up the phone, but i'm going to do it. i've even mapped out my little chart. if he leaves after no contact and finds someone else, well i suppose it was never meant to be anyway. me being around isn't going to change that, will just make it hurt more. sorry i suppose our stories are different as you have come to the great realisation that you were not meant to be. as for grieving, i think you will know when it's time to grieve. the rest of the time get out and about. keep yourself busy, and when it really wells up inside of you then allow yourself time to write a little and cry. I find screaming in my car quite theraputic. I hope you'll be okay.

[Foggy]

Lis, thanks for sharing your story. I feel better knowing that others can relate to how I'm feeling right now. The logical realization that we were not meant for one another and the emotional recognition of that truth are unfortunately not one in the same. Thanks for your advice. I've taken the morning off to grieve a little bit, but I'm going to a later session of my morning class so I'm not missing any school. Good luck with your goal of not contacting him. It seems that you've made a valuable realization and I'm really happy for you.

I woke up up at 7:40 with a huge knot in my stomach and shaking all over. Right now I'm experiencing mostly anger, and I'm hoping to cry later today as that will probably help let some of this tension go. A couple things have shown up through this - I'm really grateful to have the friends that I have. They're truly supportive. I'm also really grateful to this community. Thanks again.

[Yellow]

Foggy, you are doing great! You are aware of what your needs are and you are able to understand them rationally too. You also already know what went wrong. Trying to figure that out is the most difficult part of a breakup.

I would suggest what you are already doing. Keep meeting people, especially those who you wouldn't want to share this with (and obviously your friends who will help you get over it). Those people will put you in a different mood, you won't even think about it when you're with people you would rather not share it with (acquaintances, new people). Try to keep a healthy schedule of activities and set goals. Set big enough goals so that they encompass you and you don't think about the breakup that much. If you find yourself getting distracted by the thoughts, take some time to mull them over and then get back to what you were doing.

Also, allow yourself time to grieve, which you are already doing. You should be proud of yourself for taking this so well! Remind yourself why you love yourself and why other people in your life love you.

Good thing is, it will be over soon and you will be MUCH, MUCH better .

Good luck and I really hope you feel better.

[lisamelinda]

thanks foggy. well you will feel that way for a while. last night i arrived at my typically empty flat after gym and could barely be asked to make a salad i felt so sad. but i was proud of going to gym i'm glad you have a great support network to help you through it. i hate being angry. after you have processed some of the anger, you will probably have to spend some time focusing on forgiveness. that's often the hardest part, but holding on to anger is even harder. will be thinking of you, and hope you don't shed too many tears.

[Foggy]

Yellow, I appreciate your encouragement and advice. I was feeling down and it cheered me up for a bit. I guess it's hard to stay sad when people have such an optimistic attitude. Both meeting people and setting and reaching goals are things I have trouble with, but I guess that's a good reason to try them in and of itself.

Lis, I felt like that for most of yesterday. You should feel proud of yourself for going to the gym. I am discovering that it's hard to make myself do anything, not mention something that requires a lot of dedication like working out. I think I'll put forgiveness on hold for now; I'm not really in a place to handle it right now.

She called last night and apologized for hurting me. I thanked her for the apology but told her that I couldn't have her in my life. This may not sound like such a big deal, but I'm proud of myself because I am usually a complete pushover. I know she wants to keep me around as a friend, but at this point it would be a parasitic relationship - she would use me for emotional security, and it would drain me to be just friends with her when I clearly desire more (emotionally, not logically).

Since then I've been in a bit of a downward spiral. The hardest times so far have been nights and mornings. I can't sleep at night because it allows me too much time to think, and whenever I wake up I'm always sad. I skipped class this morning because I couldn't sleep until 2 and I thought that further depriving myself of sleep wouldn't be healthy for my emotional state. I'm not sure if that was a smart choice but I'm having a hard time making logical decisions.

I was really depressed this morning. I want her back, a lot; and yet I know that even if she came back to me I could never take her. This conflict between my desires and my reason is hard for me to deal with. I cried a lot when I woke up. I'm really afraid of depression. I suffered through it a lot in High School, and I've been better since I started college, but the way I'm feeling right now brings back a lot of painful memories.

I take back what I said about not wanting advice. I'm having a very difficult time keeping myself together right now. As thankful as I am to my friends, I feel guilty if I lean on them too much. One of my friends helped me make a crisis plan with some phone numbers I could call if I need someone to talk to, and I'm going to try going to the counseling center on campus even though I haven't had a very positive experience with counseling in the past. Hopefully it will help, and I'm glad I'm finally shedding some tears. It's much better than wanting to cry and not being able to.

[magi13]

Originally Posted by Foggy

I don't want her back. She's not the type of person who I want to keep in my life. She has acted with total disregard for my emotions and I cannot bring myself to have someone like that in my life. However, I still feel like a bomb has gone off in my stomach. I feel lost, confused, distrusting of other people and myself. I am upset with myself for the things that I did to help bring the relationship to a close (I was jealous, I played mind games), and I feel that I personally don't deserve another relationship. I keep wanting to call her and try to work things out but I know that she's not the person I want her to be and no matter how much I try I will never have the type of relationship with her that I want. I am not the type of person I want to be either, and the logical side of me says that I should focus on that because I may be able to change it. The scared part of me doesn't believe that I can do anything; that I should just give up on life.

Honestly, I am not looking for advice; or if I am I'm not yet aware of it. I already know how I should deal with the situation, but I've got a lot of emotions in the way. I guess I just feel like being fussed over a bit; perhaps if someone could share motivational break-up/moving-on stories or something it would help me feel a little less isolated right now.

warning (Fictional story example)

I'll share with you an experience I had. It's not all good, but I ended up better in that end. ^^,

A few years back when I was in college, I fell in love with a certain girl. She was nice and all that, I did my best and treated her like a queen. (I attract money easily without problems)

So we started to date, I treated her to restaurants, even did her assignments and helped her with connections. (She graduated earlier than I >,<)

One thing led to another and eventually we had sex. (Not that it is a bad thing). Of course I'm familiar with sex, if you are a guy you'd research it before hand, to ensure that the woman you make love with will enjoy it to the maximum. It was both our first time and we loved it.

Now every few days we'd have sex and sooner than later, my love for her became more developed and I wanted to stop or minimize having sex with her, instead have more quality time to get to know each other.

We then fought over a lot of things, I don't know if it's hormonal or other, but she got to the point that it was really really violent. She'd cut herself, write letters of blood, that I could not help but feel so sorry for her and I couldn't leave her.

After 3 years of agonizing relationship, we broke up. And it was the happiest moment of my life.

You see, I made a couple of errors in the past

1. I was attracted to the girl and made her mine w/o actually knowing her
2. I wanted sex, got a lot of it
3. I had loads of secrets and she had too
4. we showed our love or lust for each other via sex.

the remedies are.

1. Don't have sex before you get to know the girl.
2. Goal is a longterm relationship
3. Have no secrets
4. Communicate always

I learned a lot of lessons in that one relationship and I no longer repeat them ever.

I am sure your experience in your previous relationship will make you a better man.

Besides what I experienced was way worse than yours, but I don't regret it. I'm rich, I have a girl who loves me and I still study my graduate school of law.

Life could only get more better.

Good luck and always look forward. I hope you can laugh at my story. ^^, it's way more depressing if you go through it in real life, for the first half anyway, but the end results are wonderful.

[Daffy Duck]

Best of wishes to you.

I remember when my ex-fiancee of 5+ years and I broke up. We were dating since our mid-teens. I felt like Elmer Fudd had finally caught and shot me in the chest. Had a lot of trouble sleeping for a week or so. Took a few months to feel like myself again.

After a year, I dated another girl for 1.5 years. I was so glad I didn't marry my ex-fiancee! This girl was great, but again, we broke up and it was hard, but not nearly as hard as before.

I'm currently dating another girl now, for about 9 months. I'm so glad my ex-girlfriend and I broke up! I like this new girl a lot.

Just remember that happiness is something you bring with you. It's something you share with other people. I am happy being single or in a relationship.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Foggy

I take back what I said about not wanting advice. I'm having a very difficult time keeping myself together right now. As thankful as I am to my friends, I feel guilty if I lean on them too much. One of my friends helped me make a crisis plan with some phone numbers I could call if I need someone to talk to, and I'm going to try going to the counseling center on campus even though I haven't had a very positive experience with counseling in the past. Hopefully it will help, and I'm glad I'm finally shedding some tears. It's much better than wanting to cry and not being able to.

Your friend had a good idea with the crisis plan. It's nice to have a friend (or many) to call when you are feeling exceptionally bad or are about to break down and call her. It sounds like you have good friends, so don't worry about leaning on them too much. That's what friends are for! You don't have to go full out emotional wreck drama every time you see them, but do let them be there for you as it seems they desire to do.

For me a great tool in healing from a breakup or other hard emotional experience is The Work of Byron Katie. I particularly like "I Need Your Love Is That True?"

There will be some times when you feel fine, some when you are doing really well and others where you feel crushed and panicky. Most of us have been there so it's no joke when I say to you that I am really sorry you're feeling this way. At the same time, I also know you can get through it. You don't have to be super strong all the time, but you have shown here that you are smart and courageous and looking at this from a good frame of mind despite the pain. That's really encouraging and I hope you do take time to be proud of yourself.

Most of all, take care of yourself. Try to get your rest and eat good food. Drink water. Take a walk. A lot of this simple stuff gets lost when you are depressed and it serves to bring you down even further. Go with a friend to see a movie you've really been looking forward to.

I wish you the best and lots of love to you. I expect someone else will have some good advice for you so stick around.

[stealth87]

Hey man, I feel you. Sleepless nights, empty stomach, crying, anger, longing and sadness are all part of the process. My girlfriend broke up with me last summer in July, and I went through hell.

I am trying to come up with the right words to just say: honor the grieving process. You have already found some space that is necessary to express those emotions. Let yourself fall apart if that is what you feel like at the moment, when you are at home or with someone you are comfortable with.

When I went through my breakup, I wanted to rush and feel better as soon as possible. I even gave myself a deadline of 3 months. Any sign of me feeling sad, hurt or broken were just signs of weakness that I had to get rid of. Composure was of utmost importance for me. Quite frankly it just sucks to feel down and in the blues, which is why I wanted out.

To paraphrase Kahlil Gibran the source of your greatest joy is also the source of your greatest sorrow. Take your time with your pain. The more you stress about getting rid of those feelings, the more they will intensify. This sounds counterintuitive but in the heat of the moment, you will more than likely say f-this, I just want to feel better.

You are already taking steps to own those emotions. Talking to friends, posting in forums and seeking counseling is great. That's what I did too and it sure does help out. However, you might still have negative feelings after you've taken considerable action. Everyone grieves differently, and it might take you more or less time than others to process all the emotions. Just have some compassion for yourself and know it is OK to feel the way you do at that moment; whether it takes 1 month, 3 months or 1 year.

Un abrazo,
Diego

[lisamelinda]

that's good that you won't see her. That won't help at all. I think counselling is a great plan. i'm looking into going for some cognitive behavioural therapy myself - i like that it is outcomes based, which is what i need at the moment. I'm also thinking of buying that byron katie book i need your love etc. but i have so many books to get through right now. i am probably a bit further along in the grieving process than you (despite being double dumped ), but i am really trying to turn this into a positive experience. i remind myself that chances are i wouldn't be so into personal development if this hadn't happened. so i will definitely emerge a better person! you don't even have to think about other people and that someone better could be out there, you probably are not ready for that. above all, be kind to yourself. don't criticise yourself for anything you do. you loved deeply, and you should be proud of that. every little thing you do, whether it is getting up and going to class, making a plan, etc are things you can use be proud of. feel free to talk to me anytime if you need any help (if i do help of course!)

[Foggy]

I'm sorry I'm not going to respond to everyone individually. Believe me, I appreciate your help a lot, but I have landed in downward spiral and I am in a pretty deep depression. I'm going to see a counselor hopefully and try and get some anti-depressants because I've gone beyond what is healthy for mourning. I've essentially lost control of my life and most of my emotions consist of anger, jealousy, and hate. I need to start reclaiming my life.

[Ralph]

Originally Posted by Foggy

I don't want her back. She's not the type of person who I want to keep in my life. She has acted with total disregard for my emotions and I cannot bring myself to have someone like that in my life. However, I still feel like a bomb has gone off in my stomach. I feel lost, confused, distrusting of other people and myself. I am upset with myself for the things that I did to help bring the relationship to a close (I was jealous, I played mind games), and I feel that I personally don't deserve another relationship. I keep wanting to call her and try to work things out but I know that she's not the person I want her to be and no matter how much I try I will never have the type of relationship with her that I want. I am not the type of person I want to be either, and the logical side of me says that I should focus on that because I may be able to change it. The scared part of me doesn't believe that I can do anything; that I should just give up on life.

Honestly, I am not looking for advice; or if I am I'm not yet aware of it. I already know how I should deal with the situation, but I've got a lot of emotions in the way. I guess I just feel like being fussed over a bit; perhaps if someone could share motivational break-up/moving-on stories or something it would help me feel a little less isolated right now.

There's an NLP pattern that totally stabilized me after a breakup. If you really want to feel indifferent and bring yourself to emotional ground zero, ready to embrace your amazing life, instead of clinging to the past, I suggest you NOT JUST try it, but DO it.

Put together all the memories of this person. Include images, sounds, smells, sensory receptions ... everything associated. Memories of the memories too. Don't be afraid that you'll miss something, just put them together, clearly into one spot inside your head.

When you got them there, smash them to the ground with huge hatch door with a large sound, totally covering them with no escape. Spin the hatch lock and make it cling. As it locks up, the hatch becomes part of the ground and there is no way those memories would ever be activated unless you consciously open that hatch.

If you left out some feelings/memories, put them together and lock them up under a smaller hatch next to the big one.


The cool part is that if you don't like the change, you can always open the door. Until you do, it's stuck all until hell freezes. And it's not repressing until the door explodes, it's merely blocking access in your mind to those neuroassociations. You created a metaphor for your mind that those triggers can't be accessed.

[Daffy Duck]

I wish you the best, Foggy. I'm glad you're getting yourself help.

[Boby]

I haven't had relationships longer than 1 month. And this one was 8 months.
I am sorry for the bad end. But I am really sorry for being lazy and degradating. Last few months I did almost nothing. And I still do almost nothing. Maybe I am the one who caused the breakup.
She said I was acting like a moron. Don't care...
Despite that I expect much more from me. I am still lazy and nerveless.
Anyway, the strangest thing is that i didn't suffer for the first few days without contacting her. But i was bothered whether i am doing the right choice and if she was hurt. But after she called me, now I have to choose what to do.
I am choosing to be free and stay friends with her if possible. I really need some fresh air and revival.
I realised that BEING INVOLVED IS JUST A CONCEPT of socially conditioned people.
What does being involved mean? Love? Sex? Intimacy?
Why not friends do all of these and just be friends. There really is no such thing as a relationship. It's all about friendship. Everything else is society's bullshit.
And by the way, breakups are good motivators for self-improvement. People often don't appreciate that.

P.S. Greeting - Aly & AJ - Potential Breakup Song

[Amandaaa]

What a whore. You don't need her.




(Just kidding, I'm just too tired to think of a real response. I'll be back with something thoughtful later on. Sit tight.

[Foggy]

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. Unfortunately I've kind of left this thread behind as things have been pretty crazy for the last week but I haven't been depressed or upset until tonight. Tonight she did something that crossed my threshold of respect. For the first, and hopefully the only, time in my life I was so angry that I called her up and yelled at her just to satisfy my own emotions, which I followed up with an incredibly nasty Myspace message and blocking her. I'm not sure why I don't feel guilty for it because it was definitely a reactionary decision on my part, but I think I feel good for finally being assertive even if it wasn't the most constructive use of my emotions. Maybe I'll feel worse in the morning, I was pretty degrading to her, on the other hand I know that she won't be trying to contact me anytime soon and that will definitely be good for me.