Can you be poly and not know it?

[pyrogen]

Here's the situation...

I'm in a monogamous relationship now, but for years, here's how it was. It makes me wonder if I was already being poly (when single), and if it's why my relationships have been so stellarly miserable. I've felt at times I'd rather have friends than intimate partners.

I was single, and did not define myself as being in a relationship. I had a network of very intimate platonic friendships - only one was "sexual" per se (we could call it "friends with benefits") but the rest were deeply emotionally intimate, and also physically affectionate. Since I spent years celibate before one of the friendships became FWB, this met my needs wonderfully. I came to have some views about relationships which were unconventional while in the midst of this network. I came to feel 'greedy' and like my partnerships always paled in comparison to even one of these wonderful friendships, let alone several of them!

I loved my network and always felt like having a real partner as my culture defined it, would cut me off. At the same time, I still wanted to have a girlfriend or boyfriend... it was very frustrating, because every time I tried to date anyone exclusively, I'd end up cut off from my network.

And I would never (and don't, with present partner) get my needs met by that one person. The relationship never allowed for shared emotional intimacy outside the relationship, but the relationship itself never had enough emotional intimacy to keep me in it.

It wasn't just about sex... or even about sex at all. Once in a relationship, long phone calls and all-day get-togethers with other people were out of the question. I really longed to share "what I did with Susie or John or Susie AND John today" (and this was usually a movie, shopping, et cetera) with my committed partner. I wanted to include my partner in my activities with other people as much as possible. It gave my partner and I something to share. The partner usually never wanted to be included.

Every time I dated someone, it felt as natural as breathing to try to bring them over to meet my other people... and that's usually the last I ever saw of that person. Only two (the ex-husband, and current partner) tolerated the others, especially ex-FWB, and only begrudgingly.

I actually credit my network for the splintering of my marriage and my eventual divorce... the network was stronger than my marriage. I couldn't leave them for him. They were a source of support when he and I were having problems and I came to feel less and less like he and I could make it work.

I felt like the more were in my life, the more I had to share. And I could get as deep and *into* my interests and myself as I wanted, because I wasn't abandoning anyone to their lonesome to do it. Ex-FWB could always go out with one of his two partners or his other friends, and my friends all had primary partners.

I've always felt like I couldn't talk about relationships intelligently with my partners. The level of vocabulary and emotional maturity isn't there.

I can share with my FRIENDS that I find X or Y on TV hot/sexy, but not my partners. I've become exclusive partners with people who were friends, and it's like the dynamic changes - one thing that we shared as a friendship were open discussions about other people and who else we found attractive. That becomes taboo once we're together. In most cases it kills the intimacy and closeness.

Things got even more complex when I became "friends with benefits" with one of my friends. A layer of secrecy became added. Somehow he was able to be open to HIS partners about the relationship: he had two other partners and was openly poly. I never quite managed it. I didn't want to call him my boyfriend (even though he was a tried and true, through thick and thin companion) because it would lock out the possibility of other people, and I didn't want to be exclusive with him. He stayed in my life, at the same level of importance, when I got married (we simply stopped sleeping together). I felt like I had to lie to my husband about our former status as FWB in order for my ex-FWB to be tolerated. I hated it.

I was open and honest with my current partner about what my ex-FWB and I were, but the partner predictably came to hate his presence and wanted nothing to do with him. Partner couldn't handle the level of emotional openness between us and the fact that private jokes were always flying around. Only HE gets to have emotional chemistry with me.

On the other hand, at first, it seemed like I had hit the jackpot when Partner came into the picture... Ex-FWB and Partner and I hung out, it felt perfect. Here I was with my best friend and my partner and it was wonderful. I was in seventh heaven. I tried to get them to be friends, but partner ended up hating him.

I lost my whole deeply supportive, wonderful network of friends when I got with partner, and I find myself isolating because I don't know how to connect with other people without it being as deep, intimate, and affectionate as the friendships were. He gets very uncomfortable seeing me hug/be close to anyone else... although he himself is not very affectionate and I really really thrive on lots of touch and physical affection.

I am starting to think about poly as something to try because it seems like it gives a framework with rules to what I was already doing in the past, it might be worth a thirty day trial if my partner and I break up...

[IceWolf]

I've been thinking about this post. I would also like to have several close friendships with some physical affection. Unlike what you've described, I've never had any interest in the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, though that might yet change, so I guess I'm looking at some of the same questions.

I'm hearing you want to have a partner who will welcome your other friends (and discuss the people you find attractive on TV etc). I remember seeing it suggested somewhere else on this forum that getting emotional connections and affection from more than one person was also "poly"; and there wasn't much agreement on the subject, some people stuck with "no, that's having friends". I imagine there would be some possible partners for you who don't identify as poly, but the word could also shorten your search a long way. I can see how the "framework with rules" could be useful as well.

[Michael Chui]

That does sound like poly... It seems to be a natural next-step question, though, of where do you want to go with your network, and would they want to come along? Perhaps you should ask your network for help in matchmaking? Maybe articulate (at least to yourself) exactly what it is you're looking for in a partner?

Aside:

@Icewolf, I've always had trouble understanding what the difference between friends and partners was. Partners seem to have a mystical status, in our society, and that's it. So near as I can tell, having friends is better than having partners. But that's a navel-gazing that probably belongs in another thread.