Being SHY and dating/social life

[loveliketheflowers]

so i am kind of shy. don't talk to much. always have been the same my whole life. i'm not a mute, i love to talk and be silly and goofy and laugh. but sometimes i just like to observe and listen to people and try to help as best as i can. i know this is not an attractive trait while dating. a lot of guys/men want a women who is super outgoing, talkative, loud, charismatic, great conversator. I want to be these things and change myself for the better so I can gain more friends and possibly a nice relationship as well. Should I try to stay the same and enjoy being myself, quiet and reserved sometimes but outgoing, friendly, and nice to all. OR, should I change myself to be different and more enjoyable to be around so someone will want to see me again and again. I think me being shy really hinders me and gives signals to the person i'm dating that i'm one way, but if they stick around for a little longer they will come to find out i'm a pretty cool person inside. I want to be better, I want to change. I want to be more approachable, and a joy for people to be around and bring around others.

How can I go about this? How can I change from shy to outgoing and talkative and interesting? Or how can I fake it til I make it? I just want to be a joy to always be around and have people always inviting me to go places. My goal this year is to be more social and make more friends and heal old friendships.

Appreciate all advice. thank you

[Jr Billionaire]

its simple

just open your mouth

speak to everyone you can

-jr

[loveliketheflowers]

Originally Posted by Jr Billionaire

its simple

just open your mouth

speak to everyone you can

-jr

easier said than done, JR BILLIONAIRE?...

what should i talk about?
i always overthink what i should say next.
i am asking for advice in this area of conversation and being social so i can change myself and be better. i want to gain as many good relationships as i can. but unsure on how to go about this. just opening my mouth, and talk about what? for some ppl, it is hard to just be open and just talk about anything without saying the wrong things, or something stupid. i want to say the right things all the time, and gain as many healthy friendships as i can. i would like to master this if possible....
what are some general things to talk about?
i know ppl like to talk about themselves but what else should i talk about...
i also don't like to look ppl in the eye much, kind of hard for me to do....any advice with this.

all advice appreciated. thank you.

[Eric Roosevelt]

Perhaps Jr Billionaire's advice doesn't sound very helpful, but he's basically right. I think the best way to overcome shyness is usually to jump in the deep end and start talking to people. If you don't want to do that, then just increase your social interactions more gradually. Of course, you'll feel a lot of resistance if you don't feel confident, or if you're afraid of saying something wrong. You know what the answer to that is? The answer is to realize that it's okay to fail. It's okay to say something stupid, it's okay to embarrass yourself, or to have people look at you in a strange way. It's not the end of the world. The only thing that's not okay, is to give up. So expose yourself to more social situations. Go to parties, sit down with someone and have a conversation over coffee. Just start doing things, knowing full well that you will probably make some mistakes. And then when you do make mistakes, go home, laugh about it, and try it again. Us humans need lots of practice before we get good at things, so don't be so hard on yourself.

[Parthon]

loveliketheflowers: Can you dance? I hope so, because otherwise the rest will make no sense.

Dancing is about moving with the music, allowing your body to flow and being in the present. The secret to good conversation is to dance with it. Go with the flow, be present and move with the words. Don't think, don't work it out, don't figure it out. Listen, then listen, and then listen some more. Say what comes up without thinking about it. At first you may filter it with your foot(ie: foot in mouth syndrome), but you'll come to know what to say without thinking about it.

If you want to know how to fake it until you make it though, you just said it yourself. "Be approachable." That's it. If you are in any situation, just be approachable. Be engaging, be inspiring, be open. Imagine being a particular way that you want to be, then go with the flow and let that into the conversation with you. Let how you *really* want to *be* become the music for your interactions.

And of course: Have fun.

[90802]

Hmm, the going may get a bit rough here, but it'll make sense eventually. I hope.

I don't really know what you mean about changing yourself. There is nothing wrong with being an introverted and quiet person. Not at all. Being introverted does NOT mean you have to be a hermit. I think this is a common misconception. It just means you may have to change your style of meeting people...

Point being, a lot of non-shy, extroverted types will just say go talk to as many people as possible. This is good advice, and it will work. Questions is, how do you go about finding these people?

If you are shy (and I kind of hate that word), I would avoid big parties, night clubs, etc. They can be a bit overwhelming. Think about some of your interest, and find people that share the same interest. Focus on smaller groups. I think three or four other people is optimal. That way you won't feel any pressure to keep the conversation going, but you can add to it as you wish.

If you want to improve your social skills, I highly recommend How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Ignore the hokey title. This book is full of great advice. Yeah, some of the examples are dated (the book was written in the 30's!!), but the advice is solid.

To summarize...there is nothing wrong with being introverted. You don't have to become the life of the party to have a fulfilling social life.

Your assignment: Write down your interest, and find a local group dedicated to your interest. If you can't find a local group in what you are interested in (I have no idea where you live), find a new interest Or do some volunteer work.

Get to work!

[Kura Ookami]

I personally find shy girls kinda cute. Maybe the question you should ask is: "How can I be myself and still get what I want?"
You're a girl so you've got it easier than a guy who's shy. Try meeting a guys eye and smiling. If the guy's interested he might approach you. Practice this skill first. Just try to meet peoples eyes when you're out. You don't have to smile or say anything. Then, when you're ready start meeting their eyes and smiling. Next step might be to say hello. Chances are the other person will say hello. You can just walk on after that if you want. If you find it too threatening to talk to people your own age try speaking to old people or children. Take gradual steps until you're a little more confident.
What do you say? Go along with the conversation. Ask him questions about why he's there, what his interests are. Ask him about his watch if it stands out.
Or you could wear unique ear rings or a necklace that stands out, which could give him something to ask you about. You could say you're shy, which might encourage the guy to take the lead more in the conversation.

[dreamtime07]

Well, the only advise and the most important advise is "TO BE GENUINELY INTERESTED IN PEOPLE"

It's kinda like a hobby. If you're interested in basketball, then you will be good at it. If you're interested in playing piano, then you'll be good at it. If you're interested in people, then might as well you'll be good at conversing with people then.

I also recommend reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie as 90802 above had recommended. I got all-of-the-above advise from this book. I have read that too and it really helped me on my social life. Like from no-social life to having been able to converse much easier. If you want a soft copy of it, you could drop me a message.

[loveliketheflowers]

Originally Posted by dreamtime07

Well, the only advise and the most important advise is "TO BE GENUINELY INTERESTED IN PEOPLE"

It's kinda like a hobby. If you're interested in basketball, then you will be good at it. If you're interested in playing piano, then you'll be good at it. If you're interested in people, then might as well you'll be good at conversing with people then.

I also recommend reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie as 90802 above had recommended. I got all-of-the-above advise from this book. I have read that too and it really helped me on my social life. Like from no-social life to having been able to converse much easier. If you want a soft copy of it, you could drop me a message.

i have been reading that book since november, but have not finished it yet.... my goal is to complete that book and start socializing as much as i can. thank you for all the great advice!

[Holistic Star]

You say when people get to know you that you are able to open up with them?
So what puts you at your ease?

Is it a gesture, something other people say, a vibe they give off....



Now. Once you have worked out what it is that puts you at ease, then try this and see how it works for you.

Assume that the people you are speaking to are even more shy that yourself. (Even if they are being loud, assume they are just covering up their shyness!) Now be the person to put them at their ease. Think about how you can make this person feel comfortable and reassured that it's ok for them to open up.

It takes all the pressure of 'what to say to be interesting etc' and very quickly creates rapport between you.

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

You say when people get to know you that you are able to open up with them?
So what puts you at your ease?

Is it a gesture, something other people say, a vibe they give off....



Now. Once you have worked out what it is that puts you at ease, then try this and see how it works for you.

Assume that the people you are speaking to are even more shy that yourself. (Even if they are being loud, assume they are just covering up their shyness!) Now be the person to put them at their ease. Think about how you can make this person feel comfortable and reassured that it's ok for them to open up.

It takes all the pressure of 'what to say to be interesting etc' and very quickly creates rapport between you.

I like it! Yeah, I figure it's best to completely relax in social situations, and to stop pretending like someone's expecting something from you. Most of the time people are just thinking about themselves.

[TheEnthusiast]

Originally Posted by 90802

If you want to improve your social skills, I highly recommend How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Ignore the hokey title. This book is full of great advice. Yeah, some of the examples are dated (the book was written in the 30's!!), but the advice is solid.

i love that book and you should read "The Quick & Easy Way to Effective Speaking by Dale Carnegie"

[Jr Billionaire]

you just said it your self my friend you over think when you talk dont over think...

my friend you can make it as hard as you want to but all those long ass paragraphs are just gonna make it hard on yourself

stop over thinking and say hi, whats sup, hello, how are you doing, hows your new year going blah blah

talk to people be social and enjoy your life its short... stop stressing over simple stuff


-jr

[N64]

but sometimes i just like to observe and listen to people and try to help as best as i can

Maybe you don't have anything to contribute into the conversation. I've been in this situation countless times. It feels intimidating and your ego hates it. But, in my case I'd stay silent than make an attempt to intrude

i know this is not an attractive trait while dating. a lot of guys/men want a women who is super outgoing, talkative, loud, charismatic, great conversator

No, I don't really feel comfortable keeping up a conversation for conversation's sake. And I wouldn't say I like a woman who has those traits. That depends on the person ( my 0.02 though)

On the other hand, you may not have any interest in the subject being conversed. Most of my peers engage in mindless conversation about school stuff (college populace) which doesn't interest me that much. Maybe you'll express your ideas when you have a topic of interest.

Another thing is, you sound like a perfectly nice human being. Unless you're repressing your feelings about a situation, why try to fit a mold which you'll be uncomfortable in?

How can I go about this? How can I change from shy to outgoing and talkative and interesting? Or how can I fake it til I make it? I just want to be a joy to always be around and have people always inviting me to go places.

Actually, I'm in a similar situation too. I would like to have a more fulfilling social life and get dates. It's not that I'm shy ( well maybe a bit) but I feel as if I have to act according to a certain set of social norms to gain the social acceptance. I completely understand your feelings about being shut off and the praise and social support extroverted people get. Very enticing for someone looking from outside. But, at least you're making an effort. You're expressing yourself through this forum. This way people can understand what your feelings are. You don't have to fake anything.

[PeanutButter]

loveliketheflowers, a lot of your posts sound exactly like what i'm going through, it's so coincidental....

how have things been going lately? since your situation sounds so much like mine i'm interested to hear what's been working for you. what have you been trying?

[lisamelinda]

all the suggestions above seem good. I'm also shy, i don't know how old you are but i'm finding it becomes better as i get older. i expect i will be super confident when i am in my 30s firstly, i think you should practise looking people in the eye. you can start small, with say someone at the counter when you buy groceries. Look her/him in the eye when you grab your change and say have a good evening, thanks or something. it becomes easier. secondly, really work on loving yourself. that's the most important thing. if you love yourself and think you are great, why would you let other people and situations intimidate you? lastly, i don't think there is anything wrong with being shy. the only thing wrong with it is you seem unhappy about it. i also read here that you should walk, talk and think like you are important and have important things to say. and you do! we all think you do

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Jr Billionaire

its simple

just open your mouth

speak to everyone you can

-jr

I hate to say it, but he's right. You can't think your way out of being shy. What you can think about is a billion excuses as to why it's too hard, and how much it's going to hurt you when you start talking. And it's true, you ARE going to be hurt...by yourself.

But are you really that important? Is that ball of insecurity and pain and anxiety inside really something worthy of attention? I say; ignore the pain, ignore the frustration, ignore the anxiety. Yes, those feelings do hurt. But they don't kill, so tuck your chin and take the hit. Stop focusing on what you're feeling, and start focusing on what you're doing. Because in reality, the only person that can be hurt is that ball of anxiety, and that isn't really you.

Right now that is who you're focused on: Ms. Anxietyball. You're trying to make yourself feel good, with the idea that if you feel good then you'll do good. I say that you should flip that around. Stop trying to feel good, or stop feeling bad, entirely. Utterly. Completely. It's not your feelings, don't worry about them. Instead, start doing all those wonderful things that you've always wanted to do, but never felt good enough to start doing. Now that those pesky feelings are out of the way, you can do whatever you want, because whenever those icky feelings crop up you can just ignore them. You don't need motivation or good feelings to do stuff, you just need to do stuff to do stuff. Or, you can keep playing host to Ms. Anxietyball and listen to her wailing and never do anything worthwhile.