Scared of being in a relationship

[N64]

Hi, I'm a male, 24 years old and I've never been in a relationship with a woman.

This post is not a pity party or anything like that. I have a lot ( well, say a fair number of) female friends, but none of them have shown any interest in pursuing a relationship with me. Surprisingly all the girls I make friends with don't really end up being more than friends, and I really can't find anything wrong with myself. But you know what? I think it's my own thinking. Deep down me I have this feeling of "Oh I don't want be in a relationship" - It took me a while to recognize this thought, it's so deeply ingrained in such a fundamental way, it's so hard to spot. I think that thought keeps me from attracting someone who'd like to have a relationship with me.

On the other hand, I'd love to be in a relationship. Right now I'm confounded by years of programming of "I am afraid of being in a rel'nship etc". Sometimes it strikes in a very insidious way. I see people with unhappy relationships and think " oh that's what will happen to me if I have a girlfriend, probably her interests will dominate my life. But now I see that thought is just a manifestation of scared of being in a relationship.

I mean, how tough is that? Male- female relationships are extremely natural, the most natural thing in the world. My feelings and fears have turned them into something as complex as a brain surgery. I need to change my attitudes about people inside, so that it will change my reality outside.

__________________________________________________ __________________

Reasons for the above post - I've been a long time forum lurker. This evening I was having an introspective time with my fears and anxieties of never being in a relationship with a woman. Then I discovered my underlying fear. I guess a "thoughtpurge" of this kind will help me to overcome my hidden fears. On the other hand, show support and offer advice on purging these long held beliefs ( and if they've changed your lives)

[Angela]

Are you afraid of relating to women, or are you just afraid of being in a relationship?

[Holistic Star]

What do you think you'll gain from being in a relationship?

And, what do you think you'll lose by being in a relationship?

[N64]

Thanks for the reply, guys. Angela, All the time that I've lurked the forum I've seen that you're a very kind hearted person. Appreciate your post.

Are you afraid of relating to women, or are you just afraid of being in a relationship?

Being in a relationship. First step is that I've identified my weakness. But it's ingrained.

What do you think you'll gain from being in a relationship?

And, what do you think you'll lose by being in a relationship?

Gain- Mutual love, finding more of my insecurities
Lose- Personal freedom.

Thanks for your post too, H.S. This was a real eye opener. In the truest sense, I ( we all ) live our lives based on the stories we've told ourselves all our lives. A second look at my replies shows me that the story I tell myself include "oh I'll lose my personal freedom" which may or may not happen. But in the end, it's just a feeling. Which may not be even true.

[Holistic Star]

Interesting. I'm really pleased that you've noticed that you have these thoughts that might not even be true! That's great!

If you're up for it, you can find out where those thoughts come from and what they mean to you.



What does it mean to you to lose your personal freedom? What kinds of personal freedom do you think you will lose?

What makes you think you will lose it? Whose relationship are you modelling were lose of personal freedom is an issue?

Can you imagine a way of having a relationship where you maintain the level of personal freedom that feels right to you?

(sorry for all the questions!)

[N64]

H.S- Thanks for the reply. Your questions make me think deeper about my life and discover embarrassing facts. But that's the truth and I have to face it ( and grow out of it) sooner rather than later.

What does it mean to you to lose your personal freedom? What kinds of personal freedom do you think you will lose?

I've lead an introverted lifestyle for the most part. I go to college, come back home (my roommates mind their own business). My main interaction with people happens at college, even that's at more of an academical level.

A big part of the problem is that I've lead that lifestyle for a long time and this has become my modus oprendi. I've found comfort in this routine. Not that I fear social interaction, but I think I fear to break this routine which is so comforting to me. It's like an addiction to a drug! ( Neurochemicals which trigger the comfort act as drugs too)

What makes you think you will lose it? Whose relationship are you modelling were lose of personal freedom is an issue?

(a) I've seen a lot of this in my peers where two people who have totally different personalities start relationships. Most don't last long. Even during the time they're dating the guy would be "Oh well, this is what she wants, might as well go along with it even if I don't like that"
(b) Or even worse, starting relationships just to get laid. This is the norm, more than the exception. I detest this. There's no love in it ( well maybe I'm lashing out because of my bitterness). But I strongly feel this is not how humans should treat each other.
(c) Another instance is that I've seen girls being in abusive relationships because of the "need to have a boyfriend" in compliance with social norms

Can you imagine a way of having a relationship where you maintain the level of personal freedom that feels right to you?

Sure. I wouldn't call its impossible. I might have to sacrifice a bit, but I can definitely imagine

More on personal freedom and personality stuff:

I am a very contemplative person who is sensitive to my feelings. Whenever I feel anxious and sad ( or any feeling for that matter) I'm immediately aware of that. I've studied various schools of Buddhism and other non dualistic traditions fairly extensively and have gained a lot of insights about the true meaning of reality. This is a fairly big aspect of my personality plays a role in my lack of relationships too. I have not encountered any girls who show any interest in metaphysics/insight meditation and stuff like that. Now you'd say why don't you go online dating, but so far I've been very apprehensive of that ( fears, I know). I'd rather get to know a person through social circumstances

[CelebritiCat]

Originally Posted by N64

H.S- Thanks for the reply. Your questions make me think deeper about my life and discover embarrassing facts. But that's the truth and I have to face it ( and grow out of it) sooner rather than later.



I've lead an introverted lifestyle for the most part. I go to college, come back home (my roommates mind their own business). My main interaction with people happens at college, even that's at more of an academical level.

A big part of the problem is that I've lead that lifestyle for a long time and this has become my modus oprendi. I've found comfort in this routine. Not that I fear social interaction, but I think I fear to break this routine which is so comforting to me. It's like an addiction to a drug! ( Neurochemicals which trigger the comfort act as drugs too)



(a) I've seen a lot of this in my peers where two people who have totally different personalities start relationships. Most don't last long. Even during the time they're dating the guy would be "Oh well, this is what she wants, might as well go along with it even if I don't like that"
(b) Or even worse, starting relationships just to get laid. This is the norm, more than the exception. I detest this. There's no love in it ( well maybe I'm lashing out because of my bitterness). But I strongly feel this is not how humans should treat each other.
(c) Another instance is that I've seen girls being in abusive relationships because of the "need to have a boyfriend" in compliance with social norms



Sure. I wouldn't call its impossible. I might have to sacrifice a bit, but I can definitely imagine

More on personal freedom and personality stuff:

I am a very contemplative person who is sensitive to my feelings. Whenever I feel anxious and sad ( or any feeling for that matter) I'm immediately aware of that. I've studied various schools of Buddhism and other non dualistic traditions fairly extensively and have gained a lot of insights about the true meaning of reality. This is a fairly big aspect of my personality plays a role in my lack of relationships too. I have not encountered any girls who show any interest in metaphysics/insight meditation and stuff like that. Now you'd say why don't you go online dating, but so far I've been very apprehensive of that ( fears, I know). I'd rather get to know a person through social circumstances

It sounds to me like you have a very clear idea of what you don't want. Why not use that to create a vision of what you do want?

Just because relationships are traditionally conducted in a certain way (which is largely cultural and media programming), doesn't mean that is the only way it can be done.

Figure out what you would like to have in relationship, and then maintain your focus on what you want. Become what you want in relationship. Then, don't settle for less. Open yourself to possibilities, and then choose from the possibilities that present for you.

As long as you stay closed, you'll never know what you can create.

[Holistic Star]

Yes I'll echo what celebriticat said.

You're clear on what you don't want. I wouldn't want a relationship based on the examples you've described either. So, now is the time to focus on what you do want. I'm interested in two things you wrote when you thought about the future.

One was the word 'sacrifice'. That is a huge loaded word.

" Can you imagine a way of having a relationship where you maintain the level of personal freedom that feels right to you?"
"Sure. I wouldn't call its impossible. I might have to sacrifice a bit, but I can definitely imagine."

From that I'm guessing when you think about a relationship you don't really focus on whatyou want. Because this big word 'SACRIFICE' comes looming over you. Blimey, that's enough to put anyone off anything!!!

What is it that you are concerned about sacrificing? Is it your free time, or is it your fear that you will blend with this person. I understand that your mental space is important to you. It is entirely possible to have a relationship and still maintain your own identity and space. You have to set up healthy boundaries.

When you date someone in a healthy relationship, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice! You enjoy the time you spend with them, and you enjoy the time apart. You respect each other's need to be your own person.


The second thing I noticed is that you don't really seem to believe that there are any women available who share your interested in "metaphysics/insight meditation and stuff like that". It seems like you have already decided that. Yes I'm sure it seems that most of the women around you are just interested in lipstick and shopping and getting drunk! But so what. You don't want every girl. You only want one.
So where are you likely to find someone with the same interests as you? It's unlikely to be propping up the bar at 4am so going to clubs and bars isn't the way forward! I'm sure there must be societies and groups at your college or in the town you live where like minded people can meet. Is there a meditation group, spiritualist church, healing group, alternative therapy centre, etc anywhere around you. These types of groups are usually mostly women and are very friendly and welcoming even if you turn up on your own. I'm sure you would meet lots of likeminded people if you attended something like that on a regular basis. (I'm not suggesting you go out all the time. Maybe just once a week to start with so that you get enough alone time too).


What I found postive in your post in what you will gain is that you said "Mutual love, finding more of my insecurities"
That is soooooo true! Contrary to popular belief, we don't have relationships to be happy. We have relationships to grow.
We attract someone who embodies our denied parts of ourselves. They press our buttons so that we can heal and accept those parts of ourselves.
I'm so pleased you have already got this. (It took me a long time to find this out!)

Incidently according to John Demartini we already have everything we want in life.

if we say we want a partner and we don't - then that is because for us the pain outweighs the pleasure of the relationship.
When he works with people in those situations he gets them to list all the things they would gain if they were in a relationship
e.g.
mutual love
more of my insecurities brought to light
feeling sexy
feeling special
feeling of connection
laughter

etc
etc

then what he does is he gets the person to see how those things are already in their life. However because they believe it will be more painful to have them present in just one person, they scatter all the things they want between lots and lots of different people. They then either choose to stay as they are, given that they have all things they need from a relationship in many forms. Or they decide to overcome their fear of having all these things in one form.

YouTube - The Secret of Relationships with John Demartini

or for more indepth interview (not just relationships)
YouTube - John Demartini interviewed by Alan Steinfeld

[Bradshaw]

Honestly, N64, from the way you write, you seem like a very open-minded and intelligent person.

You honestly feel like the kind of person that once you bring your more introverted nature into a real relationship, you will amaze your partner in such ways that people around you will be amazed at how much love flows between the two of you. You are worthy and deserve a high-quality partner and relationship. I would suggest that you don't worry too much.

Cast off your fears and limiting beliefs, and you shall be massively rewarded. I wish you good luck.

[Angela]

So, what do you think might happen if you were to let go of your focus on "being in a relationship" (which sounds like a way of being, but is really a *having*), and focusing on "relating" (which is a *doing*)?

What do you think would be possible for you if you were to enjoy the action of relating effectively and enjoyably with women? By "effective" I don't mean: effectively getting something, like a girlfriend or sex or validation. I mean: being my heart's desire. What would you be being if you were "in a relationship"? Do you really need to be in a relationship first? Is it possible that you could just go ahead and be that, right now?

And if you were to take on that way of being, can you see how that might affect the way you interact with women?

[N64]

Thanks for all the feedback and resources, everyone

YouTube - The Secret of Relationships with John Demartini

or for more indepth interview (not just relationships)
YouTube - John Demartini interviewed by Alan Steinfeld

I really liked these links.

Thanks for the encouragement, Bradshaw. I think you brought up a good point.

I would suggest that you don't worry too much.

Cast off your fears and limiting beliefs, and you shall be massively rewarded.

. Honestly, as HS pointed out, you don't need to have a gf to be happy. I am attached to the feeling of lack.

Angela- I'm a bit confused by the question and the term "relating" but I'll answer anyway

What would you be being if you were "in a relationship"?

I wouldn't be any different, as far as my opinions, feelings and whatever the baggage I've brought from my upbringing. I am aware of my weaknesses and they may linger with me for a bit ( this is not a cop out). But, just as that I'm aware of the fact that the other person has her own stuff from her life that I'll have to face. That will teach me to accept people unconditionally and make me a better person

[Blanks00]

Hi N64,

I'd like to reply to your question from a slightly different perspective.

Contrary to popular assumption, getting into a relationship is not easy, especially if you've never been in one before. In films the message is shown all the time that people fall in love from just knowing each other, and because of the massive exposure we have to this, everyone assumes deep down that when the right person comes along you'll both fall in love.

Sadly, this just isn't the case.

To get in a relationship you have to actively persue it. You have to come across in an attractive way as a guy who isn't just going to be a friend, and make the first moves. I recommend searching for 'PUA' on google, you may have heard about it but there's loads of information on how to get girls out there, general stuff that's relevant to everyone as well as specific things for people who want to devote a lot of time and effort to it.

Find women who you like and have the mindset that everyone could be a possible girlfriend. If you like them, go for it...
And if it doesn't work out and they're not the right girl for you, you can move on and you'll have gained valuable life experience and not lost a thing.

As for having many female friends but not having been with them, this is because if you want a relationship, you have to get it. The reason you're not with any of those girls is because you never properly tried to. There is nothing 'wrong' with you, girls just very rarely make first moves, and if you've established yourself as a friend a girl will assume that you will never be anything more. I was once in exactly the same place as you. I had loads of female friends but none had ever shown any interest in me in a sexual way. I thought that there must be something wrong with me because I could make female friends easily but never anything else. Then I learnt that if you set out to get a girl upon meeting her, you will spark interest in you, because you've established yourself as a potential lover. Girls and guys think very differently.

As for your fear of relationships, all people get scared by things they've never done before, that's normal. I say go and find out for yourself!

I wish you the best of luck,
Blanks00

[N64]

Hmm.. looks like my post didn't go through. Here I go again.

Thanks for advice, comments and resources, everyone

H.S- I really liked your links and well thought out feedback. Thanks a ton. Especially the youtubetube links were awesome.

Bradshaw

I would suggest that you don't worry too much.

Cast off your fears and limiting beliefs, and you shall be massively rewarded

Thanks for the good wishes. Yes. Detaching from the need is the key and shifting my mentality of lack will bring the situations needed into my life.

Angela

What would you be being if you were "in a relationship"?

I'd be the same person. The only and the most important thing I have to offer into the relationship is honesty. I will still have my opinions, feelings and the baggage I've brought from since the day I was born. And my weaknesses will linger for a while ( This is not a cop out ).But, being that I will also be aware of the fact that the person I'm in a relationship with will also have her opinions, preferences and emotional baggage in her life. That will expose me to a myriad of experiences in my life, because now I'm relating to a different human being. At least that will train me to accept people as they are.


Blanks:

I think most of my problem was my mindset towards relationships. Being that, I probably didn't attract any compatible people anyway ( I wouldn't date any of my friends, they're view of the world is fundamentally different from mine) If I meet a compatible person and see mutual interest I will initiate a relationship. Thanks for the advice about initiation.

About PUA- I would not take this way. PUA's act based on fear mentality. These people target people's weaknesses and anxieties of not being in a relationship ( hmmm.... does it ring a bell about you, N64?) blow it out of proportion and devise methods and tactics of "picking up" women. I do not want to do that. We're talking about humans here, and women are not something to be picked up to show your social/sexual prowess. By some freak accident if I don't be in a relationship for the rest of my life, so be it. That'll be the way universe expresses itself through me.

[Holistic Star]

You know what N64 there's a woman out there who is going to be really happy being in a relationship with you.

You come across as a genuine, thoughtful, caring, well-balanced, self-aware person.

Yes you might need to break out of your comfort zone and leave your room of an evening! And when you do, I have this lovely feeling, that you are going to be just fine

I really wish you the best. I'm looking forward to seeing your progress.