Good relationship with your family neccesary?

[LillyoftheValley]

I find my family (parents and siblings) to be the only people in the world who I judge, dislike their actions, and the only people in whose presence I become annoyed, angry, sad... you name it.

And while I appreciate them as my 'masters' when it comes to pointing where I'm weak, I can't help thinking I better give up trying to be nice with them and just go about my bussiness.

Does any of you know if it's neccesary to be in a good relationship with your family to be at peace? Anyone regrets for not having a good one?

I'm asking because this year I'm working on moving out, and I KNOW I'll be in a much better mood and peace of mind when I'm far from seeing their daily actions. Sometimes it seemes to me they represent all I don't want to be (I'm the youngest of four children). My lifestyle puzzles them, they hardly understand my talking, and I don't know if I should even try to explain them.

I suppose my anger is actually anger for me not accepting what they do with their lives, an anger towards myself, but feeling it only in one of their's presence, I'd rather give up on heartful relationship and be nice to them even if it hurts me that they judge me. (yeah, we all jugde around here )

P.S. If any one has an idea for a poll on this subject, please be my guest!

Thank you for listening to me

[Colm OReilly]

Hey Lilly,

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it's anger at them not accepting you. I'd also like to ask could you accept and love them for all they are, instead of all you'd like them to be?

I actually started out with my coach working on improving my relationship with my family. I gained a lot from just letting them live their own lives and letting them be, just be. My relationship with them is stronger but that's not to say it's ideal.

I was thinking about this over the Christmas period. Relationships are set early on, how often you see each other, what you discuss, where the boundaries are, etc etc. The problem I see with families, particularly parents to children, is their initial relationship with you was to shield you and nurture you completely.

Over time, you grew up and became an adult, just like them. But they still have the relationship of a protector over you. Since you are doing stuff they don't understand, biologically the unknown is feared, so they are suspicious and judgemental.

I know this is over simplified but hopefully it will serve to prove the point, that the relationship between family members is difficult because you're bound by blood yet you keep on becoming new people throughout your lives, it's tricky.

Lots of love,
Colm

[LillyoftheValley]

Oh, I also give simplified answers, so don't worry, I get your point.

The answer to your question is yes, I already love and accept them (in a nature-genetic kinda way) for who they are, eventhough all that comes out of me in front of them is the opposite. Who we are together is a mess that I feel unable to transcend and I wonder if it's really neccesary to have such a relationship.
I know some people who gave it up with their families and have only neccesary helloes and Marry Christmases, completely at peace.

You are right about relationships being early set on. I think they're terrified with me 'unseting' them with my freedom. I actually think they're frightened of me, so I better not explain myself to them.

I think it gets down to respect. I lost it for them, therefore, they can't have one for me, and gaining it again is not on the menu. We'll see what are others' experiences.

[placebo]

I've noticed similiar stuff going on in my life. I'm on college and come home rarely, once every 3-4 months. I have phases in my head, i'm thinking a lot and i feel that i've changed a lot in last year or so. But they still see me as 18 years old boy. They think they know me but they only know who i was. So it was exciting going home for holidays, i was unsure what will our relationship look like. And everything i predicted happened.

It is just process of growing up, i guess in man's life there comes a time when he has to go from parents and be person he wants to be. If they don't understand you that doesn't mean they don't love you anymore. You're probably so much similiar to your mother and father but no one can see that clearly. They have raised you, they are big part of you and your personality. And it is hard enough to live just with yourself, you don't have to watch another little yourself doing or talking something you don't want to.

[Scipio]

Originally Posted by LillyoftheValley

Does any of you know if it's neccesary to be in a good relationship with your family to be at peace? Anyone regrets for not having a good one?

It's necessary to be in good relationships with people you value for their character and actions. Love is based on someone's character, not the chance that you were born with the same blood line as them.

If you continue to try to form a doomed relationship with bad people, you will routinely sacrifice your happiness. If your family are not good people, stay away. My father is a violent drug addict and I am overwhelmingly more happy without him around. To have a relationship with him would bring pain to my life.

[AndyMartin]

That hard part about moving out is that it doesn't actually change anything except location and frequency of reminders. We're all connected to our family, and until we are at peace with whatever that connection is, it will continue to manifest itself, regardless of where they are. It's an easy mistake to assume on some level that we have "outgrown" our family. This seems especially common when people go down a different growth path than their family. They see what's happening in their own life and don't see it happening in their family's lives. Somehow we do that math and it tells us we've passed them by. But we just don't have access to their experience, so that's not a valid conclusion to reach.

The thing it neglects is that every relationship -- in some ways especially those that we do not choose -- is a reflection of ourself. That's not some mystical platitude; it's the simple result of the fact that our relationship as a concept only exists in our mind as the sum of our experiences and our judgment of those experiences. We cannot escape the actuality of those experiences, that is true. But we tend to go a step further in believing that those experiences and judgments are a predictor of the future.

So in practical terms, this means that we often mistake being accepted for being understood. And we feel that if our family doesn't understand us the way we understand ourselves, that our relationship -- and possibly we ourselves -- are incomplete. But it's impossible for that to happen -- even the "best" relationships are only based on a positive belief of what each other is, and not on the actuality. So we think that the failure of our relationship is based on something external (ie them), when in reality it's based on an unrealizable expectation. Only when we accept the relationship for what it is and value that without wanting it to be more or different can we discover what it really can be. But if we hold on to what it's not, it holds us back on our own journey.

That said, it can definitely be *easier* to reach that peace and allowance when you're no longer living together. It sounds like you're at the point where the living arrangement is more of the problem than the relationship itself. Keep those separate in your mind and you may find that things get better faster than you expect. Just give them a chance to accept you, and don't manifest what you think they believe you to be and make those expectations a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Good luck!
Andy

[LillyoftheValley]

Thank you all so much! I really needed someone to bring it home to me what is the point in relationships you were ''born into''. Especially because of its personal nature.

Andy, you speak so wise and clear. Thank you for this.
You are so right about it being the reflection of myself, because the things bothering me the most are those I don't like about myself.
Also, the acceptance is really based on the level of understanding, and the bigger the family, the bigger impact a misunderstanding has. Sometimes I will during an argument look for a supportive face of those only listening, and feel ostracized if I don't find one. Picking sides always felt hard to do.

Lastly, I got my answer and I'll think about it. I was concerned about leaving home while things are still like this, but trully feel I'll respect them more once I'm my own man (woman). On my first year of college I was living in other town, and that was by far the best year in our relationship. Maybe the best ones are yet to come