Developing My Social Skills

[Majesticzero]

Developing Social Skills

If I ask myself the question: "What do I dislike about myself?", I always answer: "That I'm not social enough".

Ofcourse that isn't the only thing I dislike. But it's the primary one, the first one that I always think of. To change this, I need to develop my socials skills.

I'm.... afraid!

First I need to know why I don't like my current social situation and skills. When I know the answer to these questions, I can make a plan to develop my skills so I can change my social situation.

A list of why I dislike my current social situation and skills:
- What do I need to say If I see someone who I have never seen before. I never know what to say to start a conversation.
- If I start a conversation, how do I continue Even if I know how to start a conversation, I'm still afraid of how to continue it. So I don't say anything at all.
- How to join a conversation When a friend is talking to someone else, I just don't know what to say.
- No good friends I have some friends, but I don't have anyone who I can share everything with and that I can go shopping (or something else) with.
- Social Networking it's good to get to know new people, but how do I stay in contact with all of them?
- Starting a conversation with a girl Starting a conversation to a guy isn't a big problem. But start a conversation with a girl... I'm just scared. I don't know what to say and what to do.

Finding the answers

Now that I basically have the problems I can start searching why those problems are a problem. Why am I afraid? And What can I do about this?

My questions to you:

- Any comments on above approach?
- What to do about these fears?
- How do I know where these fears come from?

[FireSoundManipulate]

Hey dude.

Big thing is to have a hobby or cause or something, learn about it, go to meetings and hang with other people who do it.

You could probably donate time to a homeless shelter and feed people.

You could become a dj and start throwing parties.

You could look up an environmental group in your area.

Best thing that leads to socialization is being active and doing things to make your life better, or having alot of fun. you meet people doing these things, conversation is not awkward because you're talking about what you're doing and it has meaning.....

so yeah, that's my opinion. be active, be healthy, meet people into that sort of thing.

think of something you like that's not watching t.v., getting drunk in bars, watching movies, and find other people into it, and BE ACTIVE!!!!!
the reason you might not be able to carry on a conversation with people is because you have nothing in common with those people.

so you need to hang out with people you have somehthing in common with.....

my 3 cents

[Restrikted]

I'm in the same boat as you are right now, and what I've been doing to help me(and it has) is to just visualize myself as who I want to be(a social butterfly, good with girls) and slowly but surely I'm starting to become that person. I try to just talk to anyone and everyone that I can. If there is a situation where I have something to say, but don't want to interrupt or I'm just too scared to say it, I do my best to say it anyway. For instance, the other day a lunch lady at my college had a box season of Nip Tuck. I've never even seen the show before and new nothing about it, but just asked her what it was about, and she explained it to me, and we started having a conversation about tv shows for a couple minutes. Just things like that, as small as they may be, will help you reach your goal. As I've said before I'm still learning, but I'm on the path of who I want to be.

As for your questions, I'll try to answer them as best I can, but take my advice with a grain of salt.
If I start a conversation, how do I continue: Try to ask open ended questions that rely on people giving more than a one word answer, like "What do you see yourself doing after college?" or "What do you like to do for fun?" When you do this, you'll find there's a good probability that they will say something that resonates with you, that you can feed off of. In response to "What do you see yourself doing after college?" They might say "I have no idea" and you could say "Yeah, I'm still deciding too, I thought I knew what I wanted but now I'm not so sure. I've been jumping around from major to major to find out what I love." etc. etc. Conversations are a two way street, they need to do their part too.

How to join a conversation: Maybe a simple "Hey I don't think we've met, I'm Majesticzero, I'm _____'s friend."

Starting a conversation with a girl: It's the exact same as starting one with a guy. You may have built up the idea that it's different and girls are this scary species, but they are just like us. Maybe once you get the conversation started, you might talk a little more about your feelings than you would with a guy.

Whatever you do though, HAVE FUN! If someone I'm around is having fun, it's extremely hard not to have fun too.

[kayumochi]

You may want to question the belief "I am not social enough." There is a woman who woke up one day to reality named Byron Katie (I know, a strange name for a woman) who created something called "The Work" to help you with your belief. Look on Amazon.com and see what you can find. The belief that you are not social enough and that you should change is doing two things: causing you internal misery and surprisingly enough, keeping your social skills undeveloped.

So if you decide to do Byron Katie's The Work you will simply feel better about who and what you are right now as the guilt, fear and pressure subside.

That will free up energy and space to develop social skills. You may find yourself naturally and effortlessly becoming more social.

But you will probably want more.

You spoke as if you are a male so I will advise this even though it may at first seem shallow.

There is a thread regarding The Seduction/Pick Up Artist (PUA) Community on this forum. What you can learn in this community will help you as long as your approach it with maturity and don't get stuck there. Go to Amazon.com again and buy a book by Neil Strauss entitled The Game. You will read of guys worse off than yourself who transformed themselves (as well as guys who transformed but got stuck at that stage). You don't have to be a natural Alpha Male to enjoy the good life. How cruel that would be if it were the case!

I offer this just as a suggestion. Do it if it makes sense to you. Also, there is a new book by Ken Wilber and others entitled "Integral Life Practice" that draws upon Integral Theory. The practice puts the theory into action. Good stuff. It will give you a framework to put your entire life in, now and forever.

[lisamelinda]

i think everyone is scared. I'm scared too. i never used to speak up. now i force myself and i try not let it bother me if people don't listen in. when you see someone you want to talk to, just think that chances are that person is really nice, and would like to speak to you. personally, i always speak to people who speak to me. sigh. like i said, am struggling with the same thing. just bought a book after seeing someone recommend it here - still waiting for it to arrive (something like how to make yourself irresistable to men - seems one has to go the extra mile these days) but truly, i agree that it's hard to not respond to someone who is really happy and enthused with life. at the moment i'm often faking it. but eventually it will just become that way. above all, have fun. i went through this stage where i was going out and felt sort of desperate. now i've tried to let it go and just enjoy myself, being myself. that said, the groups idea is probably good. nice to talk to similar minded people. i'm still thinking of a group i can even join. was thinking of a running club actually.

[Majesticzero]

The current situation

The past weeks I've been working on developing my social skills. I've been talking a lot to people. People I didn't knew before and people I already knew. Even new people came and talk to me (that was weird, that never happened before...). It is becoming easier and easier for me to talk to strangers. This is really good.

The first problem with this is that these people are all guys. Except for one girl that I already knew. The second and last problem is that I talk to those people at my sportscenter and that the topic is always sports/health related.

My two goals are:
- To talk about other things than sports/health
- To talk to girls

Other subjects

I find talking about other subjects very hard. I know a lot about sports and health so it's easy to talk about that. But in order to get more dept into conversations I need to talk about other things too. Maybe things as work and if they have other hobbies are a good start. After that I need to start conversations in different surroundings, not only at the sportscenter. I also need to introduce myself more. I have a conversation with people, but most of the time I don't introduce myself, I think it would be good to do this in the first conversation. If I already had a first conversation I can introduce myself in the next conversation I have with them.

Girls

When a girl looks at me I always look away after one or two seconds. This is the first thing I need to change. Step one is to look at girls and say "Hi". If I can do this easily it's time for step two. This is walking up to a girl and start a conversation. Maybe when already next to each other or when a girl walks by. Instead of just saying "Hi", I can say "Hi, how are you?". We can have a short talk, maybe about sports as a start. If it's a conversation that takes a little longer I should also introduce myself to her.

If someone has any tips or comments on this. I would like to hear them.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Majesticzero

The current situation


Girls

When a girl looks at me I always look away after one or two seconds. This is the first thing I need to change. Step one is to look at girls and say "Hi". If I can do this easily it's time for step two. This is walking up to a girl and start a conversation. Maybe when already next to each other or when a girl walks by. Instead of just saying "Hi", I can say "Hi, how are you?". We can have a short talk, maybe about sports as a start. If it's a conversation that takes a little longer I should also introduce myself to her.

If someone has any tips or comments on this. I would like to hear them.

If it makes you feel any better, I have the exact same problem with girls. But might have some ideas that might work for you, and hopefully me as well.

Are you interested in music? that might be a better conversation than sports.. I found it a pretty good talking point conversation in the weekend.. Maybe if the problem is that you need to talk to a girl about sports, that you need more interests?

I love sports myself! and think they're great, but maybe you could take up, say, 2 more hobbies? and/or interests? to give you more stuff to talk about? Be good at talking about music? maybe? or the latest movies that are out?

and another thing, you get nervous around girls, but not dudes right? Why is this? I have the same problem, and from having this problem I think it's because we think that girls are assessing us as "this guy is cool" or "this guy is a loser" but if you talk to a dude and he says to you "man, you're a loser" you won't really care right? because you'll just think he is a loser?

So I think it is the fear of rejection thing, and maybe you just have to have the perspective that girls are just humans too, they're not goddesses who know everything and assess you at will.

[Ralph]

@Majesticzero

I am so, sooo sorry to bring it down to you the way it is, but I think you deserve to know

A year ago I've been in position where I'd rank all my areas of my life at 6-9, except the social that was oscillating between 0 and 1. It took me a large amount of calibrating to finally get it right now.

I can tell you right now - the answer is not in any book you read about social skills. Read two or three philosophies (would take you no longer than 10-20h to soak it up fully) and then DON'T READ anything else at all.


If you want to improve, you need to go out and calibrate. Put yourself in the most challenging social situations that you could imagine. Spend as much time talking with people as possible. YES it is going to be awkward. And there will be embarassing moments of silence. If you are to learn it, you're going to experience a lot of it.

The path of social improvement is a very rewarding one, but certainly a painful one. The calibration has to happen, and the more often you step out of your comfort zone, the faster you'll calibrate.

A year ago I had no idea how to keep a conversation going. Right now I'm at the point where I can sense how interested the other person is, how involving the topic is and I can sense exactly when the topic is going to end, so I know I have to think of something else to relate to. I can read the body language veeery well, and books have little to do with it. I've just developed a habit of watching people everywhere.



I've read over 30 books on this subject, and they gave me less than 10% of the skills at most. 90+% is calibration. And of those 30 books, Tony Robbins and Steve Pavlina helped most. Zan Perrion was particularly helpful about women.

Books, no calibration = big fail.
No books, lots of calibration = success.
Lots of books and calibration = inefficient, but successful approach
A few books and calibration = splendid success.



So, unsubscribe to this thread, go out and CALIBRATE!

Ralph


PS. Just a lil' tip - stay away from the topics that you're most familiar about - whether it be school events, music, sports and such. In order to calibrate well you need to learn the oh-so-useful ability of talking about everything and nothing with everyone. It's still a challenge to me but I've seen and experienced it work and it's worth it. THIS is a true conversation mastery, so you might as well aim to calibrate at it directly by avoiding easy topics.