Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

seeker5 · 01-23-2009, 05:45 PM

[mod: This thread was started a year ago, the problem has been overcome]

Ok, there's a group in my city that goes out and each month, they hold that "Free Hug" sign. And then they hug people. It's based on this video: YouTube - Free Hugs Campaign - Official Page (music by Sick Puppies.net )

They've done this a few times, and each time I want to go, but I'm holding myself back somehow. I even went once a few months ago, had a sign, and then when it was time to walk to the area, I just left, I couldn't do it, felt extremely uncomfortable or so

.

It's something I'm very interested in doing, and it's important to me to overcome this and be able to connect with people I've never met before with a hug in a total loving/caring/happy manner. Any tips, feedback, analysis, criticism, suggestions?

seeker5 · 01-23-2009, 05:54 PM

Hmmm. After I posted this, I thought maybe the first thing I should do is go to one of these events, with no intention of hugging, but just hanging out with them and seeing how it happens. Maybe that'll take some of the fear out when I see a bunch of people doing it and loving it.

{aspiring_to_clarity} · 01-23-2009, 09:44 PM

Yes, go. You could explain to the organizers that you are working on getting comfortable in this area and ask that they respect that. It seems like the type of person to organize and implement a thing like this would be a kind and understanding person. Going is a good way to face your fear head-on. And you can work on the background and reasons why you continue to hit this block.

My friend, read your sig!

seeker5 · 01-23-2009, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Yes, go. You could explain to the organizers that you are working on getting comfortable in this area and ask that they respect that. It seems like the type of person to organize and implement a thing like this would be a kind and understanding person. Going is a good way to face your fear head-on. And you can work on the background and reasons why you continue to hit this block.

Yes, I like that. Thanks

.

Quote:

My friend, read your sig!

Yes, that's why I'm facing this and I'm quite irritated by this block I've had.

Amandaaa · 01-25-2009, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Any tips, feedback, analysis, criticism, suggestions?

^Become friends with some foreign people.

I've never been a hugger either, but I recently started working with some people who are from South America... and every time I see them, I'm greeted with a smile, a one-armed hug, and a kiss on the cheek.

The first time they did this, it really threw me off... (I was like, what are you doing?!), but now I just expect it. And it actually makes me feel much more welcome and close to them.

As far as the "free hugs" thing goes...
Is it the act of giving hugs that makes you uncomfortable, or the idea of holding a sign and drawing all that attention to yourself?!?

azzyboo · 01-25-2009, 10:32 AM

I am a hugger anyway so sort of counts me out on the whole advice thing, I hug anybody anywhere anyhow lol.
What I love when I hug is the reaction you get from the people on the receiving end, some lap it up, some try to escape lol and some just freeze its quite funny actually, if I was to give advice it would be just do it you will be surprised at how many people are more scared to be hugged, then you doing the hugging and you never know you may even make someones day

ellie · 01-25-2009, 11:54 AM

I'm shy so I would find it hard to do.

Thanks for sharing the video though, I forgot about it and it was nice to see it again. It always makes me happy...and I use to live just behind the area at 2:22 min mark he he

Brings back memories when I lived in Sydney.

seeker5 · 01-25-2009, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellie

I'm shy so I would find it hard to do.

Me too, which is another reason why I want to do it.

Quote:

Thanks for sharing the video though, I forgot about it and it was nice to see it again. It always makes me happy...and I use to live just behind the area at 2:22 min mark he he

Brings back memories when I lived in Sydney.

You're welcome!

seeker5 · 01-25-2009, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amandaaa

As far as the "free hugs" thing goes...
Is it the act of giving hugs that makes you uncomfortable, or the idea of holding a sign and drawing all that attention to yourself?!?

Hmmm, the act of holding a sign and drawing attention to myself (even though I'd be doing it with a bunch of other people) does bother me a lot. Ah, it triggers one of my most limiting belief about love - about how I'm not supposed to show to people I'm not intimate with that I think they may care about me! Thanks - it's easier to know what I'm dealing with.

Though, the idea of constantly having people walking by and rejecting my offer bothers me too

. Hmmm, and then having no control either of who hugs me - having random strangers come up and hug me is unsettling too.

I see this free hugs thing is hitting a lot of my weakest points! All the more reasons to really go after it.

I think I need to redefine what a hug means. What is a hug anyhow? I guess I had a hug mean that you care about someone, but now I think I should redefine it more loosely to simply mean something else. Like two people enjoying the warmth and love that exists in the world?

carenkh · 01-26-2009, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seeker5

What is a hug anyhow? I guess I had a hug mean that you care about someone, but now I think I should redefine it more loosely to simply mean something else. Like two people enjoying the warmth and love that exists in the world?

For me, it's about connection. So, maybe sharing the warmth and love that exists in us? I think people - well, Americans, since that's where I live and what I know - are severely touch-deprived. Touching is a basic human need, but we're taught (most are, anyway!) that it's inappropriate to touch each other: in schools, "Keep your hands to yourselves! No touching!". At home, parents don't hug and touch their kids regularly after they're past a certain age. Or, for some, they actively seek out how NOT to touch even their very young kids: crib to bouncy seat to stroller to car seat, propping them with bottles instead of breastfeeding or holding them. So I look at hugging as a way to provide human touch to people! Even through a heavy coat, the connection is usually received.

I can learn a LOT about a person through hugging them, too - read their energy - so I like to do it, too, just as a way of getting to know someone.

seeker5 · 01-26-2009, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carenkh

For me, it's about connection. So, maybe sharing the warmth and love that exists in us? I think people - well, Americans, since that's where I live and what I know - are severely touch-deprived. Touching is a basic human need, but we're taught (most are, anyway!) that it's inappropriate to touch each other: in schools, "Keep your hands to yourselves! No touching!". At home, parents don't hug and touch their kids regularly after they're past a certain age. Or, for some, they actively seek out how NOT to touch even their very young kids: crib to bouncy seat to stroller to car seat, propping them with bottles instead of breastfeeding or holding them. So I look at hugging as a way to provide human touch to people! Even through a heavy coat, the connection is usually received.

That's true. I myself currently live a mostly touch deprived life. Until the events that I wrote in my "Love Hug" story, I had had maybe just 4-5 hugs in 6 months or so. I'd like to change that

.

Quote:

I can learn a LOT about a person through hugging them, too - read their energy - so I like to do it, too, just as a way of getting to know someone.

Really? What can you learn from them? What different things have you learned?

carenkh · 01-26-2009, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seeker5

Really? What can you learn from them? What different things have you learned?

Hmmm.... I can tell how "connected" someone is, if they're present or not. I can feel how strong they are - inside, I mean. I can tell if they're alive inside or not. I can sense if they're happy. I can sense if they have their guard up, and if they do, sometimes I can tell what's underlying that.

I never thought of this 'til you asked, but I picture their... aliveness, or life energy as being at different levels. Some people inhabit their whole body, and they feel alive and vital. Another's light is small and deep inside. Another's might be small but burning very, very brightly. I almost always immediately get this image upon hugging someone, and it tells me a bit about how they live their lives.

Also just general stuff - do they tense up, or open up? Do they barely make contact, or hug you in close? Do they do that lean in, pat the shoulder thing, or do they turn toward you? That's less specific than the intuitive stuff I pick up on, but I think those choices can say a lot, too.

theknightwhosaysni-NI · 01-26-2009, 05:13 PM

Hi Seeker, great question...It's outside the confort zone of a lot of people to just go out and hug people, I'd be happy to hear your feedback about that when you start doing it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by seeker5

Hmmm. After I posted this, I thought maybe the first thing I should do is go to one of these events, with no intention of hugging, but just hanging out with them and seeing how it happens. Maybe that'll take some of the fear out when I see a bunch of people doing it and loving it.

Yes that sounds like a good idea. If you see some people doing it, it'll bring your reality closer to actually doing it. You'll probably be able to pick up on their belief system just by staying with them, and seeing how it's not such a big deal for those who do it already.

Some of these guys probably have gone through the same hesitation as your going through now, so they'll be able to share their experiences with you on how to solve it, especially if you tell them that you'd like to do it but that something is holding yourself back for the moment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by seeker5

Though, the idea of constantly having people walking by and rejecting my offer bothers me too

.

I guess when you start being rejected a lot it isn't going to matter anymore.
There's a paradox in rejection...When we start getting rejected a lot, we discover that no matter how many times people reject us, we're never going to be totally rejected and outside human society...So it makes you feel more connected.
That's something I've witnessed with the pick up artists. Those guys get rejected quite often because they initiate conversation with so many people, and yet they build more connections than people who don't initiate conversations because of fear of rejection.

More rejections = more connections, that's the paradox

If you try to hug say 100 people, and 50 of them turn you down, that's 50 rejections. However at the end of the day, you'll feel really good because you'll have hugged the 50 other people! (which makes you realize that it's not a big deal if people say "no I don't want a hug").

Also in reality, I think you'll enjoy much more than a 50% "success rate" because it's such a nice thing to propose a hug.

Quote:

Originally Posted by seeker5

I think I need to redefine what a hug means. What is a hug anyhow? I guess I had a hug mean that you care about someone, but now I think I should redefine it more loosely to simply mean something else. Like two people enjoying the warmth and love that exists in the world?

I guess by going outside and seeing what it is you'll feel what a hug means. I'd say it's like not a big deal, a quick expession of love for humanity manifested in the form of a hug.

Last thing, we could go into technical details such as :
-make eye contact
-smile
-be opened, have an opened body language and all

but I think that seeing how people do it and feel their vibes will be much more effective.

bunnyman · 01-26-2009, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seeker5

Ok, there's a group in my city that goes out and each month, they hold that "Free Hug" sign. And then they hug people.

Oh, that sounds fun. Which city is it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by seeker5

Any tips?

Let them hug you! They're already there looking for people to hug, so all you have to do is walk up. They will know what to do. Hug each person there if you want! Then see how you feel! You'll feel great.

*gives seeker5 a free hug*

RRR · 01-26-2009, 09:30 PM

I went out this past summer to the Venice Boardwalk and tried my own free hugs... Yeah.. I'm somewhere between charming and social anxiety..so that was a scary experience. I hugged 3-4 homeless dudes and a cute hippy girl. I then put down my sign and chatted politics with a booth. I would say if you want to get over your shyness through free hugs, just keep calibrating yourself to it. Go out and hug 1 person. Then hug 2. Baby step it until it doesn't bother you. As well..hanging out with a bunch of free-hug folk will make it seem less odd. If you want to make that seem easy..try doing it by yourself.

seeker5 · 02-15-2009, 06:36 AM

I went with the group that did free hugs today. It was so much fun. I had talked to the organizer to let him know of how I just wanted to be there to watch and observe and he was very understanding of it. I stayed with them for about 3 hours, it was incredible watching it. They gave me the camera, so I took a lot of pictures and videos of the event for a while. It was so much fun observing it, people were laughing so much, the huggers, the huggees, and I was laughing and having so much fun from watching them and taking pictures and being around them. It was such a healthy feeling. One girl said that was the most fun she's had in the 6 years she's lived in this city.

I even got hugged a few times without holding a sign! Sometimes, there'd be 3 or more of them in a row holding a sign, and I was at the end with no sign, just talking to one of them. More then once, someone would come and hug every single one of them, and then come to me, and they'd just hug me too assuming I was one of them

. So I got some hugs that way too and I enjoyed them.

After being there for an hour, I got comfortable enough that I went and hugged all of the people holding the "Free Hug" sign (there was about 6-7 of them). That was fun too

.

It was truly amazing watching it (and taking pictures and filming it). Even though these people holding the free hugs were getting rejected by probably 80-95% of the people walking by, because there was so many people walking by (this was a very very very busy sidewalk), they were still getting so many hugs. They were laughting, and having so much fun even when there'd be a moment where nobody would be hugging them. I even saw a car stop by the side of the road, and 4-5 girls came out to hug the girl that was holding the sign near the street.

I also saw guys hugging guys - plenty of that. I had some guys hug me, and even though I can't recall a time in my life where I hugged a guy I wasn't really good friends with, I didn't mind it at all and it was fun. I even saw more then one though-looking thuggish guys with tattoos go all huggy on guys and girls who were holding the sign. It was interesting watching peoples's behavior - how some people were laughing, how so many people took pictures of this event, how some would just go and hug one person, and some would go and hug everyone who held a sign (there was about 6-7 holding the sign). A lot of people ignored those holding the signs too, or would smile and go on. There were so many different reactions. However, whenever there was hugging, it felt and seemed like friends hugging and it felt like so many reunions so much of the time.

Then near the end, I decided to go ahead and hold the sign up for about 5-10 minutes. So I did that and I got some hugs, and it was great! I really enjoyed it! Even 2-3 people had their friend take pictures of me hugging them

I also heard one girl remark to her friend that the picture she took of her friend hugging me was a really great picture

.

However, I was able to hold the sign only when there were other people holding the sign right next to me - actually when I had one of them to each of my side. Even though I felt a lot of anxiety and I wasn't that comfortable with the sign, I was still able to do it and be open to get hugged. It felt like we were doing this as a group and I was just one of the group.

However, when the people with the signs next to me moved away from me to walk around on their own, I couldn't hold the sign anymore - this overwhelming feeling of "who the hell am I to hold that sign - I can't let people think I expect them to want to give me a hug" overwhelmed me and I had to put the sign down. It's related to that old belief I mentioned above where I have this strong emotional sense that can at times overwhelm and freeze me where I feel that it's dangerous for me to show that I might expect others to care for me, or to show affection such as by hugging me.

So, it's not that I mind getting rejected, in truth, I remember now putting myself into situations where that doesn't bother me. I remember doing other promotion things in a situation like that for my college as well as for a campus club I was starting. I just set up a table in a high-traffic area and approached hundreds of people walking by my table and asked them to join my club. People would see me as very outgoing, and I was for that time period, I had a lot of fun approaching so many people and didn't care about getting rejected by hundreds so I could come up with 10-20 people who would be interested in coming to my college club's meeting that I was holding that evening.

It's just this affection type thing where that limiting belief comes up. That's frustrating. I need to get serious about implement Angela's advice on overcoming that.

Anyway, I still managed to probably get over a dozen hugs total, which is probably more non-romantic hugs I've gotten in one day then in the entire previous year.

It still felt very good in a very healthy and wholesome way and I'm definitely going back next time we're having it. Probably within another month or so. Maybe by next time, I'll have been able to deal with my emotional limiting belief block, so instead of getting and giving just a dozen hugs, I'll get and give over a hundred hugs

.

If you have that in your city, I highly recommend you attend one event!

Rose of Cairo · 02-15-2009, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seeker5

I went with the group that did free hugs today. It was so much fun.

Congratulations!

Quote:

Even though these people holding the free hugs were getting rejected by probably 80-95% of the people walking by, because there was so many people walking by (this was a very very very busy sidewalk), they were still getting so many hugs. (...) "who the hell am I to hold that sign - I can't let people think I expect them to want to give me a hug"

The way you talk about it, to me it sounds like you're seeing the "free hugs" thing as a way of getting hugs. Maybe it would be easier for you to overcome your fear if you saw it as a way of giving hugs to others.

This way, the people holding a sign don't "get" hugs, they give them. They don't "get rejected", people simply don't take their offer. You don't feel rejected when you're a clerk in a shop and someone doesn't buy anything, right?

And this way you wouldn't let people know that you expect them to want to "give you a hug", you let them simply know that if they want to be hugged, then you are ready to give them a hug.

That's a big, big difference!

Quote:

it's dangerous for me to show that I might expect others to care for me, or to show affection such as by hugging me.

I'm sure you can bypass this limiting belief by focusing on showing affection to others by hugging them. In such a case, it's totally not relevant whether they hug you or not, it won't hurt you, because it's not about them caring for you, it's about you caring for them.

Outwards instead of inwards.

Love.

cacheborn · 02-15-2009, 08:55 PM

I just saw the video. Seems like a great idea!

StellaBlue · 02-15-2009, 08:56 PM

Quote:

The way you talk about it, to me it sounds like you're seeing the "free hugs" thing as a way of getting hugs. Maybe it would be easier for you to overcome your fear if you saw it as a way of giving hugs to others.

I love this, Rose.

Trezker · 02-16-2009, 03:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Congratulations!

The way you talk about it, to me it sounds like you're seeing the "free hugs" thing as a way of getting hugs. Maybe it would be easier for you to overcome your fear if you saw it as a way of giving hugs to others.

Outwards instead of inwards.

Love.

Thirded!
The sign says FREE HUGS, it does not say HUG ME PLZ.

StellaBlue · 02-15-2009, 08:55 PM