Tell me about your childhood

[Lauxa]

I want to be a good parent, but I'm feeling so indecisive as to what's best for my kids. I thought I would homeschool them, but now I have a part-time job that I enjoy and don't want to give up. I liked playing with friends in small in-home settings, so I've looked for those types of situations for daycare, but the older girl is already 5 and would be starting kindergarten next year and school-aged children don't go to daycare and play for 20 hours a week, they go to school for 35 hours a week and learn to listen to the teacher and do what they're told. And while some parts of school weren't so bad, I was just soooo bored as a kid... I felt like I was waiting for my life to begin, and that it wouldn't really start until after I finished school. And some parts WERE bad, because I was the hyperactive immature nerdy kid who got picked on all the time.

SO, I'm looking for some inspiration here. What did you like about childhood? What didn't you like? Do you feel like you were well-prepared for adulthood? What would you have wanted your childhood to be like?

I'm especially interested to see if I'll get any replies from people in less developed nations, I know you're in here!

And also... how can I get my kids involved in the process of creating their own best experience of childhood?

[lisamelinda]

hi lauxa - i think the best thing you can do for your children is boost their self esteem. Focus only on positive things, always tell them how fantastic and wonderful they are. what else can you do really? i think if you do that, everything else would just fall into place. i can't think of anything i would rather change, but that. i could have dealt with everything else that happened to me, if i had that. sorry if it seems overly simplistic, but it is the only thing i would change if i could, and i didn't grow up in the best environment.

[carenkh]

I believe more than *telling* them how fantastic they are, you must LIVE that they are fantastic. I did NOT receive that message when I was a kid at all, in word or action. My parents were both very disconnected from me, and the only things they said directly to me were criticisms and punishment. This was a different time, and any praise was seen as "spoiling" - they took that to the max!

My kids KNOW how much I care for them and their well-being. I'm a single mom, and have found ways to unschool with them and earn an income, and this is something we talk about a lot - they know this is a choice we've made to give them the life they desire. For example, they're willing to forego a lot of "stuff" in order for me to work less. They know I like to be with them, because I arrange my schedule to spend as much time with them as I can. I take them seriously, and honor their needs and desires. I do not try to coerce or control them.

Consensual Living and radical unschooling has been the biggest help in achieving this. (There is a discussion group at Consensual Living, worth joining!)

I am the grownup - I had my time to do childish things, and focus on ME, so this is THEIR time. Not that I've given up on dreams for myself and following my own path - but they come first, then I work around that to get my needs met. It took a lot of growing on my part to get to this place, but I'm so grateful I have. When I first started unschooling, I would not have said that this would be a fulfilling way to live - but when I look at our amazing, connected life now, and see the people these boys are? Fulfilling, indeed.

So the way to get your kids involved in creating their own best experience of childhood? In my experience and opinion, I say - let THEM create their childhood! Really listen to them, and do what interests them. Get involved in what they're doing! If they love video games, learn how to play, or just BE with them while they play. If they love the outdoors, provide as many opportunities to experience nature as possible. Support THEM and who they ARE - not your idea of who they should be. Don't take every opportunity you have to be away from them - if they're involved in something, don't take that as your cue to get online or clean up: BE with them. Connect with them. You won't need to verbally tell them how awesome they are if you're showing them.

[lisamelinda]

that's true, i suppose i said telling them as opposed to showing because i don't think my parents would probably have been capable of showing us that. but yes, of course that would be ideal.

[smileytrysh]

Hi Laura!

Myself and my 2 younger sisters were homeschooled off and on throughout our childhood, and I now have a daughter of my own who is 5 so I have a little of both experiences.

I personally didn't like homeschooling at ALL and neither did my middle sister, but my youngest sister loved it. She was often sick, and worked at a different pace than everyone else, so school was really hard for her. For my and middle sister, we badly craved the social interaction that school provides and even our homeschooling group didn't cut it. I'll also tell you that as a parent you have to be extremely disciplined to homeschool, because my mom wasn't which made it an unsuccessful experiment. However I have friends who were homeschooled for ALL their grades, and their mom was very routine and success-oriented and they both turned out great!

As for the happiness part, its actually very natural that we constantly worry about our kids happiness. We take from our childhoods the things we didn't like and try not to reenact that with our kids, and we try to perpetuate the things we did learn. You are the only one that really KNOWS your kids, and you need to trust that. You WILL do what's best for them, you just maybe don't know it yet!

With my daughter, I decided that I didn't want to force her to go to church as I was forced, and as a result she WANTS to go to Sunday School, and I gladly take her when she wants to go. I also didn't want to be really strict with her, and instead I treat her like an adult. I try to socialize her as much as possible because (most) children really need socialization.

I'm sure that you are doing a great job right now, but I understand constantly putting yourself under review. We are always learning, always growing, and our children will learn and grow with us. Take care

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Lauxa. Since I don't have kids I won't try to give advice. Just wondering if you've considered Montisorri or another "alternative" type of schooling so that you could still work. It seems like a good alternative to regular school. It also seems to me that you could continue working while unschooling and just continue to have babysitters during work hours.

The thing I wanted most in my childhood was to be loved by my parents, have good friends to play with and to be treated as a human being (although I didn't phrase it like that I bet you can see what I mean). My parents were young and did the best they could and I know they love me, but I hope to follow something more like what caren is doing with her kids when I have my own. Mainly, treat your kids like people, listen to them, respect that they are their own person, etc.

Good luck.

[dulaney0330]

My childhood was filled with many negative things, most of which I could not control. Poverty, divorce, abuse, bullying were all things that no child should have to go through. But here are a couple things, looking back, that would have been very helpful to me, even with those negative things:

1. Consistent and strong love by both (ideally) parents. Parents who did not shelter, who did not hide every fear and challenge from their child, who did not meet their needs through that child, did not make that child into something he or she was not. Accepted and protected the child.
2. Safety and trust needs met by parents, both physically and mentally.
3. Parents who were disciplined, who taught him or her the way to go, who challenged them mentally, soothed them physically, and encouraged them emotionally. Parents who were firm but loving. Assertive but honest. Creative and confident.
4. Safe, stable, warm environment
5. A core of beliefs that are the moral guideline for the child.

Of course, there are plenty more but these were the ones that I feel strongly about.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

And also... how can I get my kids involved in the process of creating their own best experience of childhood?

Your kids are already involved, you just have to prevent things from stopping them. Don't involve them with negative people if you can help it. Studies indicate that environment is more important than parents in a child's development. That's especially true of their peer group. So I guess the trick is to find great kids, and let your kids spend time with them.

[lemuria]

This thread is relevant to my interest.

What I like with my childhood:... ... ... ... My teacher, I guess ... the first teacher, who make me feel relax, kind of miss her.
Oh! I smoke and drink alcohol when I was 12. but... after the underwear incident....... I promise to myself never to do those things again.


What I don't like about my childhood: Being thrown to a place that is so corrupted with rasicm, as a result I spend most of the time during my childhood alone. Hate them. Being bullied almost everyday and I remember wishing I would grow up fast.

My parents, the typical you must work hard, nothing else matter than straight A's, you must always and always listen to us, think of your family, you must be rich in the future, hate them (even now). I'm not a Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus for god's sake! How I wish you guys would die a spectacular death in a car accident. Amen. (no, I'm an atheist). Like I'm gonna visit your funeral.

friends...? what the hell are those things. Oh. Those people who come and go in your life. well, doesn't make much difference if they don't exist.


Do you feel like you were well-prepared for adulthood? : No. But I remember at that time thinking that it'll be much better than my current situation. And it is! I have a lot of freedom now, though it take me some time to realize that.


What would you have wanted your childhood to be like? : ....... well... I always go in front of KFC and see the kids playing around all the time, for so long I pondered the question why I like to see those kids running around and constantly bugging their parents, well, I was jealous and how I wished......
And oh, how I wished that I know that I have a lot of freedom since I was a child.


how can I get my kids involved in the process of creating their own best experience of childhood? : no Idea. I'm not even planning to get children or to get married.



P.S... dunno why, but I honestly wish that you be a good parent, whatever that is.

[Lauxa]

Thanks to all for the responses... I've been kind of scared to check back here since posting this thread, nothing personal.

You're right caren, of course you are right. I "should" make more time to be with them, doing the things that they enjoy. How do you manage to work and unschool at the same time as a single parent? I am in awe. Are you able to carve out some time where you will not be interrupted to do your work? Are your boys involved in many activities? Has it gotten easier as they have gotten older?

I'm torn as a parent because my mother was permissive and I never really respected her. She was a housewife and basically spent her days as the family slave, doing the housework and errands and serving as taxi for me and my sister. Or else she would be helping some "charity case" friend who was either sick or broke or both. I saw that my other friends had chores and responsibilities while I got away with lazing in front of the TV all day, and that's not what I want for my kids. I will look at that consensual living website, maybe I will find some more ideas.

@aspiring, I guess I was just trying to find something for them to do while I am working with more social opportunities than a babysitter. It's getting harder for the 5-year-old because most kids start preschool at 4. It is possible that there will be a Sudbury school opening up here in Austin in the next year or two, and if that happens it will be a dream come true... provided I can afford the tuition.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

@aspiring, I guess I was just trying to find something for them to do while I am working with more social opportunities than a babysitter. It's getting harder for the 5-year-old because most kids start preschool at 4. It is possible that there will be a Sudbury school opening up here in Austin in the next year or two, and if that happens it will be a dream come true... provided I can afford the tuition.

Yeah, I see. At 5 all the other kids are in school so there is no one to socialize with her own age. Duh, took me a while!

Sudbury would be amazing! Austin is such a great place to live. You guys get all the progressive stuff .

I will intend that your finances can support above and beyond whatever you determine is best for your children.

You know, many, many parents never even ask themselves these questions. I think you are ahead of the game already and it will all work out for the best.

[Honeywith4bees]

Hey Lauxa!

Have you looked into whether you have any home school support groups in your area? Here where I live, I know of at least three different groups of non religious home school support groups where the kids and families get together for social as well as shared educational activities. Your children would find plenty of socializing opportunities in such a situation.

I have friends who have graduated from the Sudbury Valley school here in Massachusetts as well as one friend who's daughter goes there now and I have some mixed feelings about it.

One thing that I do feel strongly about is that every child is different and I feel like each child's educational situation should be considered. I have a son who has all the characteristics of someone with ADHD and who also has severe reading disabilities. He thrives in a very structured setting that I had a very difficult time providing for him as an unschooler. He is doing well in public school and I am happy that he is there. I don't like when some of my homeschooling friends make blanket statements about how terrible public school is.

Good luck Lauxa!