Polygamy advice please

[Strongsloth]

Hi

I am a polygamous male. I have two wives although just by informal agreement rather than registered marriage, which would be illegal. I have two children (5 years and 3) with the first wife and one with my second wife (approaching 1 month old).

Although both wives are aware of the situation and have given their consent there is a big problem. Unfortunately both insist that the situation must be kept a secret. Their main stated motive for this demand is negative treatment from their families and in each case I accept that they do have a good point.

On the other hand, the only way to conceal this arrangement from their families is to not mention it to anyone at all. Since that involves keeping my newly born child a secret from friends and family it is no longer a realistic way to operate.

Does anyone have a suggestion for how to handle this situation?

[Celeste de Kai]

Lets look at it this way: If my wife wanted me to keep our marriage a secret for the rest of my life, that would certainly not go well with me and my ideal of openness. Dating discreetly is one thing, but trying to hide a marriage sounds very non committal to me. I have no interest of living in fear my entire life and switching the topic every time someone started talking about my spouse. If my wife refused to acknowledge our marriage openly (and is there any logical reason that would justify such behavior?) then I would certainly not hang around with her for long.

The only difference between my case and yours is that you've got two wives instead of one. So that means you've got two people who despite claiming that they love you and want to spend their lives with you are too ashamed of those around them to tell it to anyone. Or are they really just leaving an escape hatch for themselves in case they won't to break off the arrangement and settle for a "normal" life sometime in a few years?

Anyway, I would think about this if I were you.

I would be interested in creating a polygamous relationship myself sometime in my life, but I would want all of my partners to be open about it to their families. Living a lie is never worth it.

[Celeste de Kai]

Oh, and think about your own family too - do you want to spend your whole life lying to your children? Surely if they know about you they'll let it slip sooner or later how they have "two mommies". Do you want to risk people finding out this way or will you rather force your children to live in a lie all their lives?

Love, and marriage, require a huge commitment from all sides involved. Sounds to me like your "wives" just don't want to commit to the marriage by telling their families about it.

[funchy]

Are you ready to spend the rest of your life lying to your kids? Does these kids deserve only a part-time dad? Which family will you choose when both kids have a big event at school? If something happens to one of the "wives", are you ready to reveal your big lie to everyone when you blend the orphans in with the rest of the family... or will you let them be orphans and a ward of the state? If you break up with one of the "wives", will the kids from family #2 get any support or will they starve so you can keep the secret easier?

Sorry, strongsloth, but I feel your behavior is extremely dishonest and selfish, and I cannot give any advice to help you maintain this false life. What will you tell this kids when they become adults? They will eventually find out.

[polyfulcrum]

Speaking as a polyamorous woman who lives with two men and has kids in the household, I can say that being honest isn't always easy, but is well-worth the effort. We've come out as poly to all of our parents in the past year. Two out of three sets took it well. They asked questions, checked in with the kids, assured themselves that no one was being coerced into things and got on board, being very supportive.

The one set that didn't do well with it was my parents. My father is a conservative minister, so this is far outside their belief system. However, since my daughter spends time with them, it was important for me to share the truth with them so that she feels comfortable being open and honest with her family members. Can you imagine going to Grandma and Grandpa's house and not being able to talk about one of your parents, or your sibling?

My parents have since decided that they want to continue to have a relationship with our daughter, and with me on some level, even if they don't agree with our choices. They are clear that bad-mouthing us to her will restrict the time they have with their granddaughter, so they keep their opinions to themselves.

Even if this family structure isn't standard issue, it is what you have chosen. As a responsible parent I'd recommend you set things up so that you answer the hard questions and deal with any flack yourself as it pertains to your extended family. Bite the bullet and share the truth. Give them time to process. Be aware that there will be many questions, and likely some negative response. It won't be a one time conversation. Allow each of your spouses to come up with an approach that feels most successful to them to disclose the information to their individual families.

Best of luck to you in retro-engineering your family. It's going to take a lot of work.

[Strongsloth]

Thanks for the advice. Seems everyone is thinking along the same lines as me anyway.

They say people only go for advice when they know the answer already but need encouragement to take the plunge :-)