How do I work on my social skills?

[Kura Ookami]

I don't know where to begin. I mean, I haven't got anyone to practice my social skills with at the moment and each time I've tried to talk with someone it hasn't worked out. So essentially all I've found are deadends in my search so far. That's pretty disheartening. And I don't know how I can really work on my social skills alone without anyone else. Social and relationships are dependent on others and of course I'm weak in this area so finding others to improve my skills is difficult for me. It's a catch 22 situation. My skills are weak so I can't find anyone to practice my social skills, and if I can't find someone to practice with, I'm not going to get any better.

It's natural that people would want to talk with people who are good at socialising. You enjoy a conversation with a person who is skilled in the art of conversation. You don't enjoy so much a conversation with someone who is weak in that area as much. It seems to be a game where the people at the top keep getting better and the people at the bottom find it difficult to imrpove at all. That's the way it seems to be at least. It makes you want to give up if you're one of those at the bottom.

I'd love it if someone who has good social skills could train me, teach me the skills I need, especially if we could meet in person and go out to practice together.

[stayfly]

you seem like an intelligent and articulate person so my guess is that you are just one or two skills away from having good social skills

here's three things to consider;

1. start around your interests and hobbies - what interests and hobbies do you have? are you able to talk about these interests and hobbies relatively well? if so, look for ways to incorporate your interests into your social life to help you get practice and build confidence

2. build your skill set - borrow some conversation skills books from your library or buy some from your bookstore. listen to other great communications and learn the mechanics of of what makes them communicate effectively.

3. focus on your state - manage your state so that you give yourself the best chance of success in this area. breathe, be relaxed, control your focus and be in your best social state.


let me know your thoughts on these and all the best

edit: speaking of books, here's one I found on Amazon that seems like it could be very helpful for you Amazon.com: Talk Like a Winner: 21 Simple Rules for Achieving Everyday Communication Success: Steve Nakamoto, Robin Quinn, Joe Kohl: Books

[lisamelinda]

i think when you talk, be really animated. Tell a story or anecdote with feeling. I think that's what makes things interesting. Be interested in yourself, and what you have to say, and then you will have more confidence as well.

[RT Wolf]

Well, that's how you learn: you try and figure out what works and what doesn't and change it when it doesn't. Think a bit like a scientist and go, "if I say this this way, they do this" or "ok, that didn't work. Does this work better?". People will tell you what they liked or didn't like, one on one. They'll deflect or they'll look away. Don't ignore these signs. Watch people who are socializing well and see/hear what they do and compare it with what you do.

Just becuase you're skills are weak doesn't mean you can't find people to talk to, just means that you'll have to keep finding new ones to try to strike up a conversation with. At first you may only have a conversation with 1 out of 10 people, but later you may be hitting 9 out of 10 (I think there's maybe twenty people in the world who can do 10 out of 10).

You've said you're not in a place where you can work on those skills? Why not? Join a class or something and strike up a conversation before the class or after it with people. Just say, "Hi, I'm x. What's your name?" Assume that you two share at least one interest, whatever the class is about. If all else fails, you can ask them about their interest, like "how do you like this class?" or "how long have you been interested in x?"

I disagree with the above advice. I find that being interested makes you the most interesting.

Good luck!

[LordSappington]

Fundamentally, socialization is something you have to learn by trial and error. Some people learn early. Some people learn late. It's great that you want to learn now.

You strongly desire to have someone teach you how to socialize. I used to feel that way too, but I realized lately that this is actually part of the problem. Firstly, it's unlikely you'll find anyone who will do that, so any opportunity you have to socialize, you'll just pass it up by saying, "Well, I would go if I had someone to go with..." Secondly, if you do find someone, it's likely that *they* won't want to socialize with anyone but you. I can't tell you how many times I've been with someone and said, "Hey, let's go over and talk to that group of people," and the person said, "No, you can do that, but I'm going to sit here and nurse my beer." Thirdly, I suspect you would socialize much better with someone else around. It's not that you can't socialize; it's that you can't do it alone and need some safety around you. Safety is cozy, but it's the problem. You have to get outside your comfort zone and learn to thrive in the limbo of the unknown.

Here is what I suggest you do. Firstly, come up with 5-10 topics that are of interest to you... something you are knowledgeable and passionate about. Then come up with a story or anecdote for each one. Then figure out how to invite the other person into the conversation. For example, you like the history of trains. Now, most people don't like the history of trains, but that doesn't matter. You could say, "So I was watching this documentary last night on the American railroad, and did you know that we used to have hundreds of different time zones so the rails would always run on time? When was the last time you crossed a time zone? Can you imagine crossing not one but seven?" That opens up the possibility for them to tell you about their trip to Chicago or whatever. Reuse these. Over and over again.

Secondly, you gotta go where the people are. You should go alone. You should approach anyone you want to approach... man, woman, child. Just do it. Have your canned lines. As others have noted, go where people have a common interest. But also go where you have little to no interest at all but maybe some curiosity. Never been to a drum circle? Sports bar? Gaelic football game? Go. You may like it.

Best of luck.

[Kura Ookami]

Stayfly:
My interests and hobbies are: anime and manga, video games, drawing and I'm thinking of joining a badminton club. I could join an anime/manga forum and try to be active in that community, maybe try to find some people who live close by. Same with the video games.
Okay, I'll have a look on Amazon and see what I can find there.
How do I control my state? Whenever I'm in a new social situation I get nervous. Not the best social state to be in.
Your advice seems good. Thankyou for all of your ideas.

lisamelinda:
Thanks for the advice. I remember one time when I made a joke on the spot and everyone laughed at it. I didn't really think about what I was saying or how it would come across. I was among friends too so that helped. Maybe I've just got to speak without overthinking?

RT Wolf:
If I walked up to 1000 people in a mall and tried to start a conversation with each one of them I bet I wouldn't feel as shy in approaching people. The tricky part is getting started. Fear keeps me from walking up to a stranger and saying "Hi, I'm James." How do I do small talk?

LordSappington:
You mean like "I was watching Deathnote the other day and I got thinking. Wouldn't it be great if there was a Lovenote? You could write down anyone's name and they'd fall in love within a week. If you wrote how they fall in love it would happen just the way you wrote it."
"Just do it" Nike's advice strikes again!
Sometimes I wish I could turn off my ego. It's always telling me how bad things could be. Like 'What if he/she hates you?" "What if you make a complete fool of yourself?" Know of any way to tune that voice out and tune in to the voices of your spirit guides and intuition?

[RT Wolf]

Nervousness is a funny thing. It means something like: there's a mismatch between the world and what you expect to happen, so perhaps you're in a new environment or you don't know what you're doing. Then what happens is two brain systems are opened up: your fear systems and your exploratory systems. Fear tells you to freeze (often why we get frozen by fear or nervousness which is a sort of mild fear) and your exploratory systems tell you to...well, explore. Depending on which one is stronger at hte moment, you'r either frozen or your proceed with caution. But it's a bit like having a car with both the gas and brakes on. Eventually, if/when the fear system learns there's nothing to be afraid of, it shuts down and then you're just left iwth exploratory systems (which is dopamine based and feel really good, like cocaine or heroin). So, what's this all mean? Excitement and nervousness are about the same physiologically, and your cognition attaches a meaning to it based on context. I wrote more about it here:

Your Emotions and How You Think About Them | Mind-Manual

Reframe it. You're not nervous, you're excited cause you're in a new environment learning a new skill.

Well, what if the worst case scenerio happens? Check out fear setting here:
Fear-Setting: How to Overcome Fears | Mind-Manual

Map out your worst case scenerio. Imagine it really, really vividly as if it really happened. If you need to, get one of your friends to play it out with you, or just to insult you. You'll realise that you can handle it. You'll also learn that it just means that you two are incompatible and has more to say about the other person than about you. I did a national stand up comedy competition once. I got up on stage and no one laughed. I was in a haze for a while and then I realized...I can handle it! I did a journal entry of fear setting I shraed on my blog. It's in my sig, the "I'm broke and homeless" one.

And, do this:
This space intentionally left crappy | Mind-Manual

Go out there and do it as badly as you can. Intentionally find the person who seems most likely to reject your friendliness. Find someone in a bad mood. That way you don't need to worry if things will go badly cause...they will! Or they won't! Either way it'll help you get over your nervousness. Don't bother with trying to make smalltalk, so just go up, say hi, ask something inane like what're you shopping for (in mall) then pull out your phone (after their answer) and say, "Sorry, my friends are here, I'll talk to you later maybe. Have a good day!" That's it! That's the smallest of small talks, asking them about what they're looking for, or the weather or how they're enjoying themselves or how they like the class. Once you've got this minute of small talk (and a good exit strategy) down and you can do it without feeling excited (ie it's gotten boring) you can kick it up another notch and try something else. Also, a conversation is a two-way street. The other person has to have sufficient social skills to continue a conversation, so don't think it's all on you. Over time you'll get a feel of what kind of person you can have a longer convo with and whom you should just get out of there with. It'll be easier if you find someone sitting down on a bench or something, waiting.

BTW, I'm taking it you're straight so your main interest may be in talking with women. Mix it up a bit, talk to both guys and gals. Just be friendly.

All this is how I beat the fear of talkin to other people. Take me at my word and do the stuff above, it'll help. Even if something doesn't work for you, do other stuff. Hope this helps.

[stayfly]

Originally Posted by Kura Ookami

Stayfly:
My interests and hobbies are: anime and manga, video games, drawing and I'm thinking of joining a badminton club. I could join an anime/manga forum and try to be active in that community, maybe try to find some people who live close by. Same with the video games.
Okay, I'll have a look on Amazon and see what I can find there.
How do I control my state? Whenever I'm in a new social situation I get nervous. Not the best social state to be in.
Your advice seems good. Thankyou for all of your ideas.

these are great ideas for meeting new people and making new friends. also, would you consider getting a part time job in a video game or anime store? it would be a great way to build your social skills by socializing with a lot of people in a safe and comfortable environment.

to control your state. change your physiology and change your focus. instead of nervousness, aim for a relaxed confidence.

PHYSIOLOGY
how would a relaxed and confident person stand, talk, walk, breathe, use their facial expressions etc.? think about it and do those things and you will feel a relaxed confidence. also, think of an anime, video game or movie character that exemplifys this state and pretend to be that person or like that person. i.e. as I walk down this street I feel like James Bond or like Brad Pitt etc.

FOCUS
change your focus. instead of thinking of yourself and your nervousnes, think things like "how can I make this fun? how can I make the other person feel comfortable? what are some interesting things we can talk about and enjoy?" focus outward and rather than inward.

practice this and soon it will be a habit to act confident in social settings. the more you practice it the better so a part time job dealing with people would be a great way to practice it and to get good at social interactions and on top of that try and do something fun once a week with friends so you balance have a balance and both your professional social skills and your personal social skills develop.

lastly, focus on your health and appearance too. being healthy and looking good are two great ways to build your confidence.

best of luck

[SimonaRich]

I think that you are talking from the state of lack. If you claim that you are lacking something, you can be certain that it will manifest (and is manifesting now).

The way to go about it is to start affirming that you have plenty of friends and that you find it easy to communicate with all kinds of people.

Such positive affirmations should be repeated couple of months for them to work (around 3 months would be ideal).

I know many people don't believe positive affirmations work, but I also know many that succeeded through repeating them. And those that don't believe that affirmations work usually didn't even try them!

[Scorpio]

Put yourself in situations where you have to talk to people. Maybe get a job where you have to talk to the public. Or practice on a captive audience like coworkers.

I agree with the other posters, join some clubs. You should naturally click with the people there.

This site is always good for advice:

How to have more social success

[BeyondtheWrap]

Originally Posted by Kura Ookami

It's natural that people would want to talk with people who are good at socialising. You enjoy a conversation with a person who is skilled in the art of conversation. You don't enjoy so much a conversation with someone who is weak in that area as much.

Partially true. I used to say social interaction is all presentation. But now, I realize what a long way being honest goes. There are a few people I really connect with, and being "good at conversation" doesn't matter at that point. Also, introverted people tend to say what they mean, making it easier with them than with more social types.

But what do I know. I'm not a normal person. And true, fear can definitely get in the way. Sounds like you have a limiting belief there to work on.

Though, to be honest, I didn't read the whole thing. I just noticed the part that I quoted.

[Alexi]

Just say something outrageous (but non-threatening) to someone and see what happens. They'll have to respond and it will hopefully force you to continue interacting. People like funny stuff most of the time.

[stayfly]

Originally Posted by Alexi

Just say something outrageous (but non-threatening) to someone and see what happens. They'll have to respond and it will hopefully force you to continue interacting. People like funny stuff most of the time.

I appreciate that you're trying to help and in some cases your advice could be useful. I do also think that their might be some better alternatives for the original poster to develop social skills.

[Eric Roosevelt]

I'm not sure there's any good ways of consciously improving social skills except just exposing yourself to lots of different situations. Also, if you improve other aspects of your life, like your excersise and diet, your overall well-being will improve and you'll start attracting more people.

[kayumochi]

How old are are you Kura Ookami? And your gender? I have a bit of advice and would like to help but depending on your age and gender it may not be appropriate.

Also, having lived and worked in Japan for 14 years I can tell you that this current American "otaku" fad is misguided and I spotted you as a self-proclaimed "otaku" the second I saw your Japanese loggin and you mentioned "anime" and "manga." Otaku is not cool in Japan like American otaku like to make it out to be. Otaku in Japan are a lonely bunch with no social skills. Believe me, the Japanese out having fun and living life fully aren't reading anime and watching manga all the time. It isn't a lifestyle conducive to living life powerfully. You posting this thread makes it clear that you want something more in life so you are going to have to give up something. What is it going to be? Does otaku sound like an appealing future to you?

[Kura Ookami]

RT Wolf: I've done a few little things like go out and inquire about courses I could do. To begin with I was scared, but I managed to go through with it and now I feel a little more confident. To do the same thing again would still be challenging, but I know I can do it. I'll definately try the stuff you've suggested. Thank you again for the advice.

Stayfly: Getting a job in a video game store might be good to help with my social skills. If I was a confident guy I'd go up and talk to women that interested me and be able to make them laugh and have a great time with them. It'll be great if I can reach that level.

SimonaRich: I have one problem with affirmations. Don't they involve lying to yourself? I want to be fully aligned with truth, love and power and affirmations seem to be aligned with falsehood.

Scorpio: I've started looking for volunteering oppurtunities with working with children. This might help my social skills and I find children less threatening than people my own age.

BeyondtheWrap: Yeah, I do have a limiting belief to work on. Do beliefs really change your life? Hmm, maybe a better belief would be, "I can move through my fear to accomplish my goals."
Who is a normal person? What is "normal" anyway?

Alexi: Any examples you can think of?

Eric Roosevelt: I've started to learn how to cook so I'll be able to eat a more varied diet. Basically I need to get out of my comfort zone?

kayumochi: I'm a 25 year old guy. Advise away.
So otaku in Japan are Hikikomori?
I could do a seven day trial of not watching anime or reading manga and see how that goes, but I think the problem is loneliness and boredom. Anime and manga currently fill that void. It's not the best way and it's ultimately unsatisfying, but it works, if only temporarily. However, otaku doesn't sound like an appealing future to me. Living my life through anime and manga is not satisfying me. I want to live my own life, have my own experiences and find fulfillment and inner and outer success.
Your log in seems Japanese as well. Why did you choose a Japanese log in?

[RT Wolf]

Excellent. You sound like you're really committed to this. If you keep at it, you'll get it. Always face your fears, no matter how long it takes or how many mini-steps you have to face them in. Good work on everything you've done so far! You're welcome for the advice, and it's upto you to apply it.

[lisamelinda]

SimonaRich: I have one problem with affirmations. Don't they involve lying to yourself? I want to be fully aligned with truth, love and power and affirmations seem to be aligned with falsehood.

no no i don't agree! when you think about it, aren't you telling yourself 'lies' most of the time. you immediately assume you will mess up in a social situation. is that the truth, or a falsehood? i think affirmations are great, you don't have to say you have lots of friends, but you could say something like 'people like me for who i am', 'i am becoming more confident', or 'i am loving, and people find me loveable', or whatever. it does help! go in with the right attitude! and when you love yourself and think wow, i'm actually an interesting person, then other people will respond to that rather than to someone who is too scared to be themselves. and believe me, i am also dealing with a very steep learning curve!

[kayumochi]

Originally Posted by Kura Ookami

kayumochi: I'm a 25 year old guy. Advise away.
So otaku in Japan are Hikikomori?
I could do a seven day trial of not watching anime or reading manga and see how that goes, but I think the problem is loneliness and boredom. Anime and manga currently fill that void. It's not the best way and it's ultimately unsatisfying, but it works, if only temporarily. However, otaku doesn't sound like an appealing future to me. Living my life through anime and manga is not satisfying me. I want to live my own life, have my own experiences and find fulfillment and inner and outer success.
Your log in seems Japanese as well. Why did you choose a Japanese log in?

My log in is Japanese. It was my address for many years and is easy to remember. Not all Otaku are Hikikomori . Most are not. Hikikomori is an extreme form of self-isolation and few in numbers I believe but given a lot of attention by the media which makes it seem to be a much larger phenomenon. On the other hand, what do the Hikikomori do all day and night locked away in their rooms besides masturbation? Probably read manga and watch anime.

[DayInTheLife]

There is a member of these forums who has a great website for learning social skills:

How to do better socially | Free practical advice on social skills, getting along with people, and getting your act together

I am quite comfortable socially and I have learned some things from his articles. Check it out.