leaving the family

[sharinggan]

Do you think it is okay to completely disconnect yourself from your family? Like, if they are doing nothing but holding you back in terms of potential, development and your goals, would be okay to want to get as far away from them as possible and see them as little as possible?

[straysweeper]

I would ask how much time do you spend around them? I have been considering similar thoughts, and I realized something recently. I don't have to have them in my life. I love them and I want good things for them, but I feel they aren't willing to seek new truths and I feel that I've outgrown them. Anthony Robbins (my first teacher in pd) has this quote "Love your family, Choose your peer group". Also, it is said that if you want to know where you'll be in 5 years, look at the people you spend the most time with.

I have often made myself responsible for the problems of my family. I think is part of my nature, hear a problem and want to solve it. The trouble is, I do this with every problem I hear, and it tears me down. I think the only real problem is becoming responsible for my own life, and becoming that which I want to be. I have always wanted to help them, but now I think I will work on helping them help themselves. I've always believed that in the old adage feed a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for life.

I will caution you though. Do not become arrogant and judgmental as I feel I have been lately. I'm angry and upset at the stupidity or ignorance of my family. I can't help but wonder if I had a stronger belief that they had more to teach and more of value, then I would see it more than I do now. But I think this will come after I gain independence. Keep in mind my thoughts on this are biased, and I see dependency inherited in all my immediate family members. Yours may not be as bad as you think they are, it all starts first with a look in the mirror. Are they holding you back, or are you using them to justify why you haven't delivered up until now?

[Zwynd]

Originally Posted by sharinggan

Do you think it is okay to completely disconnect yourself from your family? Like, if they are doing nothing but holding you back in terms of potential, development and your goals, would be okay to want to get as far away from them as possible and see them as little as possible?

I completely removed myself from my family around 5 years ago. I even moved across the country so I didn't have to bump into them. In my case it was VERY much needed so I could get my sanity as well as my health back.

It's up to you what you think is best for you. If distancing yourself via moving some hours away will help then do it. You can always visit during holidays or even get one of those computer cameras and have regular family meetings.

I wouldn't say 'burn the bridge' until you have another support team ready, however. If things go terribly wrong with something in your life and you're without support then you certainly don't want to crawl back to the family you distanced yourself from.

Definitely make sure your Financial, Health, Friends and new Family support areas have at least one or two things/people/groups in it that you can reasonably depend on.

[ns123]

Some times, I think my family holds me back, but now, I really understand that they don't hold me back, I hold me back and I use them as an excuse.

I think the question, for me anyway, is what kind of relationship do I want to have with my family? They really are not destroying my well being, they just have a tendency to annoy me or push my buttons in a way that really gets to me. But you know, all families do that. It's quite common. No one knows how to get under your skin like your family!

But, on the other hand, they love me and want the best for me. Their methods just suck and don't work for me. They should and judge and criticize. And it annoys the piss out of me. But they do it because they love me, not because they hate me and want to suck the life out of me. Though it seems that way some times.

The question boils down to, what kind of relationship am I willing to cultivate with my family members? If I allow them to hold me back, if I allow their methods to cloud their love, eventually, the kind of relationship I will have is going to be none. But, if I hear their love instead of their words, if I accept them for who they are, act with compassion and love, the kind of relationship that we could have would be wonderful.

When I stop shoulding them, judging them, they will in turn stop doing it to me. I already see this happening as my relationship with one of my siblings has gotten very enjoyable after I decided upon improving my views and actions towards him. And I decide so every time I'm with him - and some times, he doesn't reciprocate which makes me want to sock him.

This is not an easy path, to be sure. But as with anything, it gets better with practice. And the more you practice, the better you will get.

So my question for you is, what kind of relationship with your family are you willing to commit to cultivating? If you are not willing, there is nothing wrong with that. Some times, abandoning ship is the right thing to do. But sometimes, if you keep that ship afloat, it will allow you to go on a wonderous journey to beautiful exotic places.

[straysweeper]

ns123, Some food for thought. I've realized something today that relates. My subconscious is flashes overtime these days.

[cookie5]

good question is it right or wrong! Im trying to get away but feel so guilty!! Yet I feel this blame from them all the time. To me I think it would be better for my health so I'm working on trying to leave. I wonder too? right or wrong? I dont want to carry guilt nor for them. It's hard.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by sharinggan

Do you think it is okay to completely disconnect yourself from your family? Like, if they are doing nothing but holding you back in terms of potential, development and your goals, would be okay to want to get as far away from them as possible and see them as little as possible?

in what ways are they holding you back ?
and
is it fair to say that you can't reach your potential because of them ?

[yintherapy]

I sometimes feel like my family members are "sick" emotionally, and because I empathize and sympathize with them, it's very easy for me to "catch" their ailments and get sucked into their issues.

I live far away from them now and it has helped me love and appreciate them more, because I'm not constantly trying to stop them from sucking energy out of me. They don't realize they're doing it, it's a habit, and it makes for a lot of work on my part, and I wouldn't choose their company if they weren't family. So, I find it's easier, and healthier, to love them from a distance.

[sharinggan]

Wow, thanks for all the replys guys.

Well, I'm not really sure. I've always been interesting in things but I've never really had that much support from my mom (I realize now that it's mostly my mom that I'm frustraited at..). Whenever I'd have interest in something she would be like 'oh really? thats nice...' and that was about it. She never shared my entusaism for things so as a kid I suppose I had veered off from what my mom didnt think was interesting enough (what did I know? I was a kid right?).

Also, my mom was kind of a (for lack of a better word) prude. I never got to stay up late (bed time was 8:30 untill I was 12), never got to go out to hang out with friends for that long (I wasn't allowed out untill after 3-4ish because 'the sun is the hottest during mid day and you'd get burned if you were out then' and then i'd have to be back at 6 becuse 'it gets dark at 6 and i dont want you out then'). I dunno, to me it feels like she underestimates my abilities? Like, I can't take care of myself or something... grrr

Even now, as a university student she's always nagging about how I 'need to make the right friends, dont waste time with stupid things, focus on school because if you screw up terrible things will happen blahblahblah'.

Wow, I just ranted about my mom....

[HCDorset]

maybe an interesting side note - when I became a parent I discovered a great well of compassion and understanding for my own parents where until then had lived only frustration and a feeling that they needed to be 'fixed'.

OK what triggered it for me was realising for myself what a major job caring for a child was, and how whatever you do, some of it is likely to be viewed as 'wrong' either now or in future by someone, even by yourself.

Now rather than the 'doing' or the actions of my parents I seem more focussed on just the feeling between us. And without having to go through any family therapy I have basically forgiven them. When I see their traits that previously annoyed me, now when I see the motivations behind it - I see mostly love.

I dn't think they have changed a great deal. They will never be perfect. That's fine, neither will I. But I have changed. And they have responded to having a less critical or judgemental child. I am able now to take the valuable stuff from our relationship and pretty much ignore the negative stuff without it really affecting me like it used to.

So of course each of us has a different path. But whether you chose to spend more, less or no time with your family in future perhaps forgiveness and compassion might help you. And these come from YOU and not from them. You can only change yourself after all :-)

H

[Eric Roosevelt]

Originally Posted by sharinggan

I dunno, to me it feels like she underestimates my abilities? Like, I can't take care of myself or something... grrr

Even now, as a university student she's always nagging about how I 'need to make the right friends, dont waste time with stupid things, focus on school because if you screw up terrible things will happen blahblahblah'.

If you can build up the courage, ask her an honest question. Say to her, "hey mum, don't you think I can take care of myself?". Ask her very sincerely and see what she answers. In any case, don't worry too much about the nagging. That's just something all parents do. It's not like you have to take it seriously or anything. Just pretend to be listening and then move on like nothing happened.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by sharinggan

Wow, thanks for all the replys guys.

Well, I'm not really sure. I've always been interesting in things but I've never really had that much support from my mom (I realize now that it's mostly my mom that I'm frustraited at..). Whenever I'd have interest in something she would be like 'oh really? thats nice...' and that was about it. She never shared my entusaism for things so as a kid I suppose I had veered off from what my mom didnt think was interesting enough (what did I know? I was a kid right?).

Also, my mom was kind of a (for lack of a better word) prude. I never got to stay up late (bed time was 8:30 untill I was 12), never got to go out to hang out with friends for that long (I wasn't allowed out untill after 3-4ish because 'the sun is the hottest during mid day and you'd get burned if you were out then' and then i'd have to be back at 6 becuse 'it gets dark at 6 and i dont want you out then'). I dunno, to me it feels like she underestimates my abilities? Like, I can't take care of myself or something... grrr

Even now, as a university student she's always nagging about how I 'need to make the right friends, dont waste time with stupid things, focus on school because if you screw up terrible things will happen blahblahblah'.

Wow, I just ranted about my mom....

speaking from a mother's perspective
-we do not get handbooks for you kids

over the years I have let go more and let my children just be themselves
instead of enforcing impossible rules

the only rules I have aren't really rules
to me they are a way of living-show compassion and respect for people
and if you can't do that at the time then just walk away



I cannot excuse her behaviour
but it might be social conditioning -poor role models etc
who knows

if you do not want to talk to her in person
maybe if you just tell her how you feel in an email or letter
that way you can re-write it as many times as you want to

we are imperfect beings and we make mistakes
show her compassion,forgive her and live your life


"To err is human; to forgive, divine. "-Alexander Pope

[st33med]

Originally Posted by sharinggan

Also, my mom was kind of a (for lack of a better word) prude. I never got to stay up late (bed time was 8:30 untill I was 12), never got to go out to hang out with friends for that long (I wasn't allowed out untill after 3-4ish because 'the sun is the hottest during mid day and you'd get burned if you were out then' and then i'd have to be back at 6 becuse 'it gets dark at 6 and i dont want you out then'). I dunno, to me it feels like she underestimates my abilities? Like, I can't take care of myself or something... grrr

Even now, as a university student she's always nagging about how I 'need to make the right friends, dont waste time with stupid things, focus on school because if you screw up terrible things will happen blahblahblah'.

Sounds like a Catholic, over-caring Mom. What you could have done as I did (and still do) is read when it was bedtime. Perfect for the imagination, educational, and no one would know of that flashlight + books under the bed . I don't have as bad as a bedtime as you did, but reading is helpful.

Another thing, your mother is far from you. Listen to her, but, don't follow everything she says. Do what you want. She does not own your body.