Watching A Friend Make Stupid Decisions

[LordSappington]

I have a pretty close friend, let's call her Laura. I went to college with Laura, and during college, she got involved with this guy Alan. I hesitate to call it a relationship, but I also hesitate to call it completely casual. It was somewhere in between. Eventually, he broke it off to pursue another woman who he claimed he truly loved. Laura was devastated, but everyone figured she'd get over it. Anyhow, Alan's "soul mate" ended up getting married to someone else, and so he went crawling back to Laura. Laura, of course, took him back. And then they fought because Alan was only half-assedly committed to Laura and would say things that really hurt her. This went on and off again for a good two years in college. Then Alan wrote a poorly written romance novel in which Alan was clearly the protagonist and his dream girl was the girl he lost as ordained by Fate. Laura was in there too. I didn't read it, but it seemed a bit too... melodramatic, which perfectly fit the entire relationship.

Then we all graduated, and Laura moved back home. And a few months later, Alan moved nearby. They got back together. This time, Laura assures me, is for real... except she's fully conscious that she's using him to boost her self esteem. Guess what? It ends badly. Again. Another year of drama and pain, and she just doesn't understand that the relationship is bad for her. In the mean time, Alan has jumped from girl to girl while Laura pretty much dated no one.

So, fast forward about another year and, Laura just won a free cruise for two people. And I asked her who she was going to take, and she said, "Don't laugh at me." And I immediately knew that she and Alan were back together. Except this time, "It's different. He's changed. But I'm being cautious."

Everyone who knows both of them knows that both of them are very insecure and are using eachother for love. Everyone knows that they both are perfectly good people but terrible matches for eachother. All my friends have told Laura that Alan is bad for her, and sometimes she even agrees. It's the same horrible stupid neverending cycle that has lasted 5+ years.

Anyhow, what should I do. I don't feel like I can be supportive. I just want to bash this girl upside the head and say, "YOU ARE AN IDIOT. YOU KNOW YOU ARE AN IDIOT. STOP BEING AN IDIOT." But of course, I can't say that. I'm all for letting my friends make their own mistakes, but not quite happy with letting them make the same mistake over and over again. So, what do I do?

[RT Wolf]

Can't save people from themselves.

If you can't handle being around them doing this, you may consider leaving them to their own devices and just drop 'em. About doing stuff, you can't control them, they have to make their own choices. You could try sending each a good book on deeply fulfilling relationships, or write each a letter about what they've been doing. About the most you can do.

I've a friend in a somewhat similar position. Been seeing this guy for about four years. One time even broke up for about 8 months but got back together. He has no regard for others or their feelings, like very little empathy. It hurt to hear about her problems so I eventually just stopped asking her about it. If it came up, I'd steer the conversation away or leave. She's eventually wised up and is now seriously considering breaking it off if he doesn't fix things by April.

[The Cloud]

I'm for telling her that she's being an idiot. It probably won't make her any wiser, but it's worth a try. Do try not to rub it in in the aftermath, though.

[lisamelinda]

try find her someone else, who really likes her and pursues her

[TonyToneTone]

Don't worry about it.

They say everyone is a reflection of you. Maybe you need to take your own advice (by the way I am not trying to be rude here, just trying to be clear) "YOU ARE AN IDIOT. YOU KNOW YOU ARE AN IDIOT. STOP BEING AN IDIOT."

Meaning you know they are going to get back together, you know she is going to keep going back to him, you know she will keep falling for him, so don't worry about it! Let it play it's course. She's your friend. Love and support her no matter what she does. This is all for her spiritual growth so she'll become stronger as a person. Be there for her when she needs you, give guidance when you can, and go about enjoying your day.

Does that help?

[enyi]

They say everyone is a reflection of you. Maybe you need to take your own advice (by the way I am not trying to be rude here, just trying to be clear) "YOU ARE AN IDIOT. YOU KNOW YOU ARE AN IDIOT. STOP BEING AN IDIOT."

Does that help?

And you don't know how Tony, you don't know how

Top insight of the week. Thanks.

- Ivan

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by enyi

And you don't know how Tony, you don't know how

Top insight of the week. Thanks.

- Ivan

? Are you making fun of me or did my post actually help?

[enyi]

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, I'm new here, so you don't know me, but be assured I don't like to make fun of people, at all

Your post really did help. I already knew that concept, but I don't know why, reading it the moment I did, it made an impact.

Thanks again.

[TonyToneTone]

Originally Posted by enyi

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, I'm new here, so you don't know me, but be assured I don't like to make fun of people, at all

Your post really did help. I already knew that concept, but I don't know why, reading it the moment I did, it made an impact.

Thanks again.

Thank you enyi both for the clarification and the kind words.