How Open Relationships Can Work

[Violet Marcell]

So you are have this great girl and she’s cool with you sleeping with other women, but the thought of her being with other men is making your skin crawl. Jealousy has reared its ugly head! It doesn’t have to be this way. Let me explain…

An open relationship is wonderful when you know that your primary is with you because they truly want to be. Non-monogamy is not the same thing as cheating, so once you eliminate the idea that her having sex with someone else is a betrayal, you will be able to embrace it as another source of happiness and fulfillment for your treasured girlfriend. Knowing that they have other options, and other outlets for sex and intimacy, but choose to be with you affirms your relationship. So knowing she's seeing other people, even if one of them is her ex, shouldn't be a problem for you at all.

Someone said ‘A girl is only with a guy if she wants to be, nothing you do or say now that you are actually in the relationship is going to "make" her stay with you'. This is true. You can't 'make' anyone stay with you. My ‘primary’ and I, if we're in the same city, spend practically every night sleeping in the same bed because we want to, not because we don't have other options. We are with each other because we choose to be. I have my own apartment that we use as a guest house for out of town visitors, and of course it's great to have a place to go if we have separate ‘play dates’, but I have never spent the night there, and knowing that we are together because it's our choice makes our bond that much stronger. We don't feel threatened or have any problems with who each other chooses to spend time and have sex with, even exes. At the end of the day, we know we are coming home to each other. We both know that we choose to be there, and nothing is going to change that. No one can 'steal' him away from me, just as I can't be 'stolen' away from him because we are not owned by each other. I am not his property, just as he is not mine, but through open and honest communications we do make our choices with each other's best interests in mind.

I don't have insecurity, territoriality, or jealousy, and knowing my primary (or any of my lovers) is out with someone else causes me no feelings of inadequacy or fear of losing him. It is no threat to our sex life, intimacy, commitment or love; in fact, it only helps to *strengthen* these things. Knowing that his sexual encounters and intimacy with other girls satisfies him in ways I couldn't singularly, generates my appreciation for these girls who help make my guy so happy. His being happy is what makes me feel truly exultant, and whether his happiness it's caused my my influences or someone else's or a mix of both (which it usually is) doesn't matter.

Here’s something else to consider. Women's desires vary, depending on where they are in their ovulation cycle. Something that 'gets her going' one day is sometimes so drastically different in a couple of days or even the next day, that it is unreasonable to expect complete sexual satisfaction from just one partner.

This is especially true in my case because my primary partner is a true alpha male. I could never expect him to be 'good-to-go' every day and in every way that I need, just as I could never fulfill all of his needs and desires exclusively. Knowing that he is out with someone having a great time sexually, (especially because it completely 'recharges his batteries' and he comes home with even more sexual vigor for me), makes me feel so content. I'm not saying this will work for everyone, but it certainly works well for us!

Besides, on top of all that, I know my guy is the most amazing lover that I've ever had, and probably will be for most of the girls he sees as well. It not only makes me so proud to know how gratified he's making these other girls, it turns me on thinking about it. It's also a big turn on to have three- (or more) -somes where we get to show off our sexual prowess and enjoy the delights of our happiness and sexuality together.


~Violet~