Extended Parenting

[straysweeper]

Have you ever started writing about one thing and went into another? Well I did that here. This is one of those cases.

I have a belief that treat people as you would like to be treated. I'm sure you've all heard of this as the Golden Rule. I also think it goes, treat things as you would like your own to be treated. But how does this work on parenting? I'm an Uncle four times over. I have very different experiences and references for me to know somethings work better than others. Lately, I've related a dog training method to the same with young children. Let the environment train and control them. If the behavior is outside the environment then they can't learn it, correct? However, I know this is a double edged sword.

I find my sister to be either unconscious or more focused on other things. Even my own parents are clueless at times. I relate this to being to the other edge of the sword. If you aren't exposed to something to know weather know it exists or not, then how can you do it? Parenting doesn't come with a set of instructions and often people think they'll find intuitive answers, that nature will kick in. But I have found this isn't always the case. Humans have found a way to defy nature with the development of the psyche.

[Annabelle]

I think you could have an issue here if you were the one educating the children...are you? If that´s not the case, children should be able to co exist with their relatives peacefully and nicely. And if that´s not the case, I wouldn´t invite them over any more. I am not sure if there is something else to your situation that I´m missing...anyway, good luck!

[ns123]

If your advice is sought on how to educate and civilize children, I say, be honest, be encouraging, and be gentle. Lead by example and do it with love.

If your advice is not sought out, mind your own business. If you cannot accept them for who they are, even if you don't like what you see, you can stop inviting them over.

If you have a close relationship with your sister, you can gently bring up topics that concern you about her children. Make sure you do so without judgment and more with observation. I noticed Billy does not clean up after himself, and that you get annoyed cleaning up after him every time. At this age, he does have the maturity and development to be able to do it himself. I heard that if you do (etc) it helps them form those habits. What do you think?

And if she says something like, oh, I don't have time to do that, drop it. If she prods you for more, offer it.

Hope that helps.

[straysweeper]

Okay, what about Battered Woman Syndrome?

The relationship is showing signs of this. It hasn't yet gotten to physical damage, but it is definitely in the mental stage. Something happened recently, which caused her to be afraid of him. She came with the kids and stayed two days at our moms. However, he called repeatedly, eventually threatened to make things worse if she didn't talk with him. She eventually gave in, and lead to more communication, and next day she goes to visit, then stayed over there.

My mother is afraid for her, I am more optimistic that things won't get violent, but I don't think things will change like this. They take advantage of the government, and she doesn't make enough on paper to get her own place even though she has been looking for the last few weeks. I can tell her self esteem is shot. She is too tired to think between working and taking care of the kids. Which many aspects of that fall through the cracks. Which is what is bothering me. There are signs of Neglect in my opinion, of both her and the kids.

Its pathetic.

[ns123]

I am confused as to what the question is.

Are you asking if you should give your sister advice on how to raise her children? Or are you asking if you should intervene because you fear for your sister's emotional and physical well being? Or are you asking how you can help your sister in her time of turmoil?

What exactly is the question? I thought at first, you were asking on how to give her advice to raise her kids. But your 2nd post looks like there is a whole lot more going on.

[straysweeper]

Thank you ns123!

I am somewhat confused by how I should treat children of others, especially when I prefer to be very direct and open. However, as they are children from anywhere between toddlers to teenagers, it is hard for me to decern which information i should or shouldn't pass on. That said.

The truth is, that I have confused the question. I've thought that by intervening I'm telling her how to raise her kids, but in truth it is that I feel they aren't at a level to see what is going on, or caught in a vicious cycle neither of them knowing how to get out. Now I know they may never aspire to the level that I will, but some basic things are overlooked and I have felt that by intervening when things are bad it is as though I'm trying to tell them how to live. I have been afraid to do what I believe is right. I need to do it in a way to show them that things are bad, and that they can do better without it looking like a direct personal attack.

[ns123]

Ah. Ok, so it sounds like you have some people close to your heart, who could be living a more joyful happy life, but they choose not to. How do you help them live the kind of life you would like them to live, since you love them and want the best for them?

That's a funny question because I have exactly this going on in my life. Some people close to my heart are pretty much miserable, listless, and are unhappy. And I cannot force them not to be.

So what do I do? I don't want to come off as judgmental and disapproving either. This is what I do:

When I spend time with them, I make it fun. When they complain, I remind them that they deserve to be happy and that they have the power to create that happiness. I remind them that I love them, that I enjoy spending time with them, and I don't judge them. Basically, accept them for who they are and who they are not. And I MEAN it.

For example, one of my brothers is living with my parents. He has a crappy job, no money, the place is a crap hole (their house can be featured on Clean House), he's really unhappy. When he comes to visit, I make time for him. I schedule activities with him. I tell him how much I enjoy his company. I radiate love and well being towards him.

When he complains, I tell him, you know, you deserve to be happy. And you can create that. I believe you will find your way. You could (not should) get out of their house. You could save some of your money. And I listen to his cues. If he starts hemming and hawing... I drop it. He does not want my advice. But I don't attend his pity party either. I just say, wow, I'm really sorry. So what are you going to do about it? If he says he can't do anything, I tell him I don't believe that, I believe there is something he can do about it. And I have faith that he will figure it out. And I MEAN it.

Basically, I try to do gentle prodding, giving advice, and try to let the solution come from him. I listen to his words and if they indicate that he really just wants a pity party, I stop it and change the subject. Or I remind him and reinforce that I love him, believe he will find his way, and change the subject.

Most of the challenge is me, I learn to fully accept them for who they are. And I refrain from disapproval by just stating observations, reinforce my belief and love in them, and just radiate acceptance and well being for them (and of course, I end up doing so for myself too, win win).

I hope that helps.

[straysweeper]

Yes, very much so. I will be coping this into my notes.