Please Help, I Struggle With This

[soapbox011]

I WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PPL THINK!!!!

I MEAN, I MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES BUT STILL... WHY AM I SO PARANOID? IT AFFECTS EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE:
- I over-think what i say to ppl now... it makes a conversation and ppl start thinking of me as a jerk. Example: I always think what the person is really thinking about me when I talk to them... I act unintentionaly mean and they consider me as a horrible person.
- I am so bothered by what other people think that my school and work are all affected.
- I hurt inside and try to hold it all in... ineveitably I blow up and hurt other ppl... cycle continues.
- I always bring myself down... I noticed that ppl jump at it, and they become more and more comfortable in harassing and making fun of me. So rather than fixing the problem, cus i am worried about what they will say... I LET THEM CONTINUE.

HELP ME! My life is affected by this principle.

Meditation? Repetition of a few words? Hypnosis? I don't care... I am willing to do anything to fix this ASAP.

[HealingMaven]

First, take a deep breath. Then don't forget to let it out again.

From the sound of it, I'm guessing you're in high school or college? Some of it is your age and your hormones. You feel things more acutely right now and it all seems overwhelming. There are studies that show that teenagers have trouble seeing the shades of grey -- that everything is GOOD or BAD, but as you get older you realize that life is just life. It's just a fact. Whether it's good or bad is largely dependent on what you think of it rather than anything it inherently is. IT IS GOING TO GET BETTER. You'll be okay.

(And hey, if you're not a teenager, the rest of this applies anyway.)

As to what you actually asked, there's a quote I heard a couple of months ago that I love in this situation. "What someone else thinks of me is none of my business." (And yes, if you can master this, you have a massive edge on life!) You have no direct influence over how another person thinks -- and you have no way of ACTUALLY knowing what they're thinking. It's AMAZING how ASTOUNDINGLY WRONG we can be about what other people think of us.

You do, however, have direct influence over how you think. And you can generally know accurately what you're thinking. So do your best to live up to your own standards. Everyone makes mistakes. Unless I'm mistaken you're human, and human beings are by definition imperfect. Forgive yourself as easily as you would someone else.

So let me hit a little of what you said specifically:

- I over-think what i say to ppl now... it makes a conversation and ppl start thinking of me as a jerk.
...
and they consider me as a horrible person.

Okay, you overthink, probably true. But people thinking you're a jerk? How do you know? Are they actually calling you a jerk or a horrible person? If no, then unless you're a telepath, this is purely your imagination. You have no way of knowing if they actually think this. If they're actually saying "man, you're a jerk!" Then you still don't know what they're thinking a lot of the time. People do things for all kinds of crazy reasons. They can say things without thinking, out of habit, or because they're trying to get a certain response from you. People lie, sad to say.

In short, you have absolutely no way of knowing what people think. Obsessing over it isn't necessarily likely to make you any more accurate at guessing. (If you want to be accurate you could try learning about body language, reading psychology of how people think, etc., but all that'll do is make your guesses better, but still give you no way of being RIGHT.)

What you can do is find your own code of ethics, and do things that make you think "I am a good person." Help people when they need it and want it. First do no harm. Tell the truth to everyone, especially to yourself. Don't gossip. Don't cheat. Etc.

And...
I always bring myself down... I noticed that ppl jump at it, and they become more and more comfortable in harassing and making fun of me. So rather than fixing the problem, cus i am worried about what they will say... I LET THEM CONTINUE.

Why let them continue? Unless you're in a genuine power differential -- if the person harassing you is a teacher or school administrator, why let them? If someone starts in on you, you can always leave. Walking away is sometimes a very useful tactic. No need to stand still for abuse.

As for techniques, it won't hurt to start meditating to bring down general stress levels so that you won't be as reactive and blow up as easily. Journaling could be a useful outlet to let emotions out. And mantras of "I always try to do the right thing" could be helpful. But the most useful thing is to change the way you look at the world. What do you have power over? You. So act upon yourself in ways that will help.

I hope this helps.

[HealingMaven]

psst - one more technique, taken from The Work of Byron Katie. anytime you think something that makes you unhappy -- that someone doesn't like you, that you're a bad person, etc. Ask yourself if it's true. Then ask yourself if you can absolutely positively KNOW for sure that it's true. 99% of the time you'll be able to say, "huh, well, no I can't KNOW that for sure" And in that case think of some examples of why it might not be true. Such as "he might be looking at me angrily because he has gas and his stomach hurts. It might have nothing to do with me."

And if you genuinely think it's true, like "I'm a bad/dishonest/lazy person", then do something about it. Stop acting immorally/lying/procrastinating, etc. Action is the fastest route to changing how you feel about something.

[SimonaRich]

You have low self-esteem and don't trust yourself. I would advice you to start meditating. This gives inner strength and peace. Then I would also advice to stop listening to what others have to say and start listening to yourself.

[danas]

I too will reccomend you to read- "I need your love- Is that true?"
by Byron Katie. It helped me with this tremendously

[soapbox011]

The horrible thing about all this is that i am not in high school... i am actually in MEDICAL SCHOOL. This is actually quite embarrassing, considering I have personally met many unbelievable individuals in my field. Not trying to be sexist, but I am also a male... which really hurts my 'alpha-male' aspects.

I want to thank everyone that helped... I will try all these exercises:
1. meditate
2. whenever i am about to get into a whirlwind in my head, i will think it through
3. i will follow mantras: 'i am a good person', 'i will do what i think is right' and 'i worry about me, only me'

if anybody else has some easy helpful recommendations i would love to hear them... i need to seriously assassinate this trait now.

[lisamelinda]

hmm well how about thinking about responding to the other person with love, because if you are worrying about what they think, and you assume they are thinking something bad, then you respond angrily by being mean in response to an imagined situation. instead, you could a) think that you are such a loving person that you attract only loving thoughts, and b) if you persist in thinking that people are thinking about you negatively, counter it with your own good thoughts about the person in question (and words).

[chrisentheo]

When you live life constantly seeking approval from everyone. You are not really living for yourself. If people don't like you for who you are? Then they should not be a part of your life.

I used to be like this. Unfortunately it was a habit forced on by being nurtured and being told to act a certain way and don't do this and that. I didnt know myself properly. I couldnt maintain friendships, I was lost, didnt know my path in life and very low self esteem took a toll on me.

You need to take a step back and visualize the type of person you want to be. then little by little you take steps on becoming that person. Who cares what people think of you. You are doing this for yourself and NO ONE ELSE. You will be surprised on the results. You feel better about yourself. You are healthier. You have a much more clearer outlook in life. You will attract women you never thought of attracting before. You know where you want to go and where you want to be. And you wont stop at anything...

Baby steps

[stayfly]

some very good suggestions already. to add on with my advice, here's some things to consider;

1. practice positive self-talk and affirmations - reprogram your mind to be and think how you want it to be

2. hypnosis - this is a fast way to reprogram your mind

3. raise your peronal standards - are there some things about yourself you could improve? if so, do them! dress better, preactice excellent grooming habits, get a nice haircut. start treating yourself excellently and others will soon do the same.

4. focus on your health and fitness - how is your current health and fitness? are you exercising regularly? eating healthily? if not, please do. nothing says "I love me" more than practicing excellent health habits.

5. state management - practice adopting a confident, powerful state. stand, walk, breathe, talk like an important person

6. contribute - rather than worrying about what others may think of you, look for ways to contribute instead. is there an international student or someone sinilar in your class that may appreciate your help and friendship? if so, help them and become their friend. outside of school, regular volunteer work can help put things in perspective too.

7. lighten up/don't take things too seriously - adopt a much lighter, care free attitude.

[Parthon]

Originally Posted by soapbox011

I WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PPL THINK!!!!

I MEAN, I MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES BUT STILL... WHY AM I SO PARANOID? IT AFFECTS EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE:
- I over-think what i say to ppl now... it makes a conversation and ppl start thinking of me as a jerk. Example: I always think what the person is really thinking about me when I talk to them... I act unintentionaly mean and they consider me as a horrible person.
- I am so bothered by what other people think that my school and work are all affected.
- I hurt inside and try to hold it all in... ineveitably I blow up and hurt other ppl... cycle continues.
- I always bring myself down... I noticed that ppl jump at it, and they become more and more comfortable in harassing and making fun of me. So rather than fixing the problem, cus i am worried about what they will say... I LET THEM CONTINUE.

HELP ME! My life is affected by this principle.

Meditation? Repetition of a few words? Hypnosis? I don't care... I am willing to do anything to fix this ASAP.

I'll let you in on a little secret: Other people aren't thinking anything about you at all. In fact, they are too busy worrying what you think of them to think about what you are doing or saying at all. In fact, even if they are thinking about you, it's only because they are thinking about you in relation to them. So they aren't thinking about you at all. Ever.

What is going on: You are thinking about them thinking about you. It's all in your head, it's got nothing to do with them at all. In fact you could be in the middle of a desert and you would still be thinking hard about whether or not the cactus likes you, or if it will be friends with you. Of course, this might be after a few too many days of dehydration. So it's all in your own head? It's all your thoughts, and your mind that's do it.

What can you do about it? Stop thinking. That's it. Stop thinking.

Okay, you are still thinking: because I just heard you think: "I can't stop thinking, because then I'd DIE!" There's three parts to your thinking: There's your awareness, the silent listening part of your consciousness. There's the mechanical part of it, the part that does the breathing, the mathematics and the analytical thinking. And there's the constant inane babble of chatter that runs on and on and on and on and on and on. It's what's worries about other people. It's what's concerned with how you look and act. It's what causes all of your axiety. That's the part you have to stop. It won't be easy, it takes being willing and a little practice. At first you'll only be able to stop it for a second or two, then later 10 seconds, a minute and eventually stop it for hours on end, or entire days. And you won't be worried or have anxiety again, unless you want it. The best way is to be present to the chatter, the endless thinking, and really notice it when it happens. Even go so far as to say "Hey, I'm thinking loudly again." Then when you get good at noticing it, you can start to turn it down, or off. Just imagine turning down a vlume dial, or moving away from the noise, or bloking your mind ears, and it will quiten down in response. It will start back up again, but just be aware of it, and turn it down/off when you don't need it.

Stopping it won't cause you to die, or malfunction or anything like that. It will still be there to be used, you just turn it off when you don't need it. It's like having the radio on all the time, it's not needed. In order to hear other people, and to hear life, and to sleep well, you have to turn down the radio, or turn it off. It's just the same with this endless chatter.

[lisamelinda]

i need to also stop the inane chattering mind voice but I generally try (delete try here) stop it when i think negative thoughts. The volume idea is good. Another technique I tried that helped a lot when i was fixating on being jealous about someone i loved moving on was to mentally hold up a stop sign. at the same time, i would flick an elastic band that i wore around my wrist. not so that it hurt, the aim is not to punish yourself but my sister was saying that your brain tends to travel along familiar trajectories so you think one thought and it immediately goes off into this lovely spiral of unpleasant thoughts. so you just try try halt that process. i found it helped. thinking of reinstating that elastic band (actually it was a hairband, so also useful for when going to gym and for those windy days, quite functional really).

[HealingMaven]

Originally Posted by soapbox011

The horrible thing about all this is that i am not in high school... i am actually in MEDICAL SCHOOL.

Oh, honey. In some ways, that's worse. The pressure is insane, and depending on how far along you are, you could be under massive sleep deprivation as well. Both of those things will shoot your cortisol levels through the roof & create massive overreactions.

Originally Posted by soapbox011

2. whenever i am about to get into a whirlwind in my head, i will think it through

A suggestion -- think it through while either at the gym or while taking long walks. Especially while walking. Something about being in motion will help keep all that thought-energy from getting stuck. I remember in college when I had personal trouble, I would usually get great insights while coming back from the gym or walking cross (15+ minutes) campus. Getting regular aerobic exercise will help keep the stress levels down and you thinking more clear anyway.

Originally Posted by soapbox011

3. i will follow mantras: 'i am a good person', 'i will do what i think is right' and 'i worry about me, only me'

The first one is good. I would change the second to "I do what I think is right." Having the "I will" in there weakens it. It puts it out there in the nebulous future as opposed to right now. Or better yet, "I do the right thing." The language is stronger, more concise. (Generally, the shorter language works better. Among other things, it's easier to repeat.)

I'd change the third one as well. I'd never ever suggest that someone use the phrase "I worry" in an affirmation; it sounds like you're wprrying quite enough as is. Maybe "My opinion of myself is all that matters." I still don't think that one is perfect -- maybe someone else can help here.

Good luck.

[soapbox011]

wow thanks a bunch, everyone has helped a lot. i didn't expect so much positive energy; i really appreciate it.

i've already started being more positive than before... and all your advice is really catching on.