Are you being taken for granted?

[Ralph]

Hi, I'm writing an article at the moment about taking and being taken for granted and I'm wondering how severe this problem is.

Are you being taken for granted by people close to you? If so, would you care to shortly describe the situation?

Also, imagine two scenarios:

What do you think would happen if you politely requested for not being taken for granted?

What do you think would happen if you would start acting impossible to be taken for granted? For example, trying to make your partner jealous, tell your friend the things you've been holding back just to stay comfortable etc.



Thank you so much for every bit of feedback

Ralph

[ns123]

I sometimes can be seen as some one who is taken for granted. But I've come to realize that it's me who allows it to happen.

Some times, I consciously allow it to happen. For example, I have a neighbor who takes advantage of me. He'll leave his three kids with me for "a few minutes while I run to the store" and he won't come back until about 3 hours later. Or, I'll invite his children to go to the Zoo or Museum with us, but he never reciprocates. But I think, well, if I stop, who am I punishing? Really, the kids. Since I genuinely love his children, I allow it to happen. I don't allow the free babysitting as much, but I have stopped expecting him to invite my children out in reciprocation.

There have been times that other people have taken advantage of me and the next time I just decline. I try to do so without resentment or contempt. Most of it is me letting go of those feelings and just say, sorry, I can't. I have other plans. Or some times I suggest an alternative (like a good babysitter).

Some times, I am unsure of when to help or when not to help. But I've come to realize that I only help when I am truly happy to do so. If there is any resentment or contempt about it, I say no. Most of it is coming to realize my own boundaries and sticking to them.

Update: I do not suggest telling off people when they do take advantage of me, mainly because I've done that before and that does not yield results that I'm happy to accept. Gentle words and kindness coupled with honesty is pretty challenging, but it's worth the effort.

[funnyav]

Lots of people take me for granted in the sense that when there's nobody better to talk to, I'll always listen to how horrible their lives are and their stupid jokes and stories.

In a conversation that lasts up to 20 minutes, I usually don't say more than "mm.." and "yeah" and people just keep on talking and talking and talking and I guess if I vanished they'd have to bother everyone else slightly more.

[lifetimelearner]

my family invented -THE GUILT TRIP-if you try to say no

seriously I have learned that you have to stop people from taking you for granted for your own sanity

and that's why I am the black sheep-" bahhh bahhh "

[Yellow]

Yeah, friends do. I am always the one listening to their problems. I find a lot of times, those same people don't listen to me when I have problems I want to talk about.

Currently, my boyfriend is taking me for granted for ignoring who I am and what I have done, for what I am not and what I haven't done.

Family does, obviously. They forget who you are and want you to be different. I know I take them for granted too.

[always loved]

I know that sounds weird but what happens is this...
My husband's daughter takes advantage of family members to babysit for her and for any other thing she may want at the mement. She just believes that is what we are all for.
She decides that her dad (my husband) is going to do whatever it is, then calls him to "ask". However if he tells her he or we have plans or aren't available to do it she becomes very angry and ugly to him. She has even had her daughter (his grandchild) tell him that he personally hurt her feelings,yelled at him,called him names,told him what a horrible father he is,told him that she will never let him she his grandchild,even made him feel like he should sleep outside in an ice storm because she would not take the invitation to go to her brothers warm house with the grandkids (kids she picked up from their warm home knowing she had no electricity)instead of the plans she already had made in her head.

My husband just decided to back down to this. He uses the "being a good father" or "that's my family" as if they are exempt from personal boundries because he is devoted to children, all children, his,his grandchildren, even children he just met. thats just how he is and it is a very endearing quality to me but I've just had to distance myself at those times.I am not willing to let him continue to take advantage of me just because he is unwilling to stop her from taking advantage of him.
If he chooses to drop everything at all times to cow down to her (his child) he can do it on his own. I can always find other things to do.

[ssandra]

I think there is a difference in:

(ab)using people
taking for granted
appriciation.

I feel that I am taken for granted in my relationship and this is something great! It means that no matter what he does, I will never leave him. I love him and will be with him.

This does not mean that I feel unappriciated however; if that would be the case I would say something and he would try and change.

My family would also take me for granted which is ok, because I love them and will always be there for them. However, they would also abuse this. This is not good, no matter how much they appriciate it and show me.

My conclusion: Being taken for granted is postive, as long as you are apriciated and not taken advantage off (abused).

[Angela]

Of course people take me for granted, when I GIVE me for granted.

I've trained people, both consciously and unconsciously, to expect me to keep giving them what I've always given them. The trust me to continue to be who I am for them.

Sometimes I train them by communicating directly: like Danger Man takes it for granted that he doesn't have to worry about me sleeping with other men, and that I am committed to being a great friend to him, because I've told him so outright.

And sometimes I train them by communicating indirectly: like my neighbors take it for granted that I will be sensitive to need for quiet in our building, or certain posters here take it for granted that I will respond in a particular way, because that's who they've known me to be enough times to fill up their convincers.

That's fine, except when it's not fine. I totally and happily accept that people take me for granted, and when that grant-takingness results in behavior that doesn't work for me, I know it's time to look at how I've created this (trained them) and see what I could let go of or generate that would make a positive difference.

For instance, if Danger Man took it for granted that I would be sexually faithful forever regardless of whether he was or not, I'd know it was time to apprise him that his thinking was flawed as to what he might reasonably expect from my choices.

Likewise, if a neighbor took my quiet neighborness for granted such that they threw an all-nighter without inviting me, I might be time for some instruction otherwise.

That's not to say, by the way, that I would seek revenge or retaliation, let's be clear -- I know it might sound like that. No, what I mean is that if I don't like the training I've done, it's not THEIR job to stop taking me for granted, it's MY job to try something new that works better.

In the meanwhile, it's nice to know that we can take trust each other to be exactly who we are, isn't it? I like that about life.

[Indiana]

Oh Angela. I was going to chip in on this post, but I waited to see if you'd comment, as I figured it would probably be more insightful and concise than what I had in mind to say.

As ever, you did not disappoint! Thanks for being easy to take for granted! I'm going to go read a chapter of a book in the time I saved!

[rawxstasy]

Alwaysloved,

The behavior you mentioned from your husband's daughter is not just being taking for granted, it's abusive.

However if he tells her he or we have plans or aren't available to do it she becomes very angry and ugly to him. She has even had her daughter (his grandchild) tell him that he personally hurt her feelings,yelled at him,called him names,told him what a horrible father he is,told him that she will never let him she his grandchild,

I know you really can't do much to change things, it has to come from him. I hope that your husband will eventually set some boundaries with the daughter. It must be difficult for you to watch.

[drakecatz]

I was reading this about the same time as Indiana, then had to go.

Ditto Indiana! Angela you are the woman of wisdom in these forums! I don't know how old you are, but if anything ever happens that leaves you without Danger Man, I'd love for you to meet my handsome, intelligent, tall, blonde, sucessful, fun, son!! (He's 33.)

[Kaybee]

Unfortunately, I take my family members for granted some times. However, I work very hard to catch myself when I do it. I've recently taken up the habit of showing appreciation to those who mean the most to me. It's an awesome gift to be able to explain to someone the little things that they do which means so much. It can make a world of difference.

Kim
Self Improvement and Motivation
Fuel-My-Motivation.com

[WhteRabbit]

I feel I'm taken for granted by my boyfriend.

At the beginning of our relationship, he tried to make me into the woman he was really in love with. He attemtped to change the way I dress ("You should dress more like person x..."), the way I styled my hair ("You should wear your hair like THIS, it looks really good), which I later discovered was the way person x styled their hair daily... Just everything in addition to little things. It's as if he tried to make me into this person and I'm repulsed by it.

We are still together and I still feel the pain of it. He insists that it's no longer like that. My identity was ripped away from me. And it was all my fault because I LET it happen. I let him try to change me and I LET him take my person, character, and identity for granted.

Fast forward a year later and he argues and lies his way through everything. He acts as if I'll always be around and that he can do nothing bad enough for me to break it off with him. My love and relationship is taken for granted. And I have no one to blame but myself.

In repsonse to the first question of yours, my boyfriend would deny I'm taken for granted. He would respond with a petty and once-in-the-relationship answer and then turn the situation around on me. A supreme example of an emotional manipulator.

In repsonse to the second question, perhaps things would be different in our relationship. But I have so low self-esteem that I could never imagine going that far. I don't feel I'm good enough to evoke his jealousy... and thus the cycle and one long horrible relationship continues...

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by WhteRabbit

and thus the cycle and one long horrible relationship continues...

If you are not happy.. why don´t you leave? You have that choice, that power. You are strong enough to be on your own!

[marinik]

This is the first thing I ask in a relationship, not to be taken for granted and second that my partner tells me what he wants and needs because I am not a mind reader. I ask them to tell me how they need to be loved just as I do from them.

But I tend to train people as Angela said to take me for granted from time to time but then I wake up, do a little number, do something that is totally not expected, and things go back to not been taken for granted. well a girl needs to be little bitch from time to time

I love my "people" very much and really take pleasure in making them happy, giving the best in me. But I am not the one that is willing to lose herself in this.

[ladee]

Just this week I took off a day early from work. There is a repeated scenario that I finally caught on to. I did not ASK if it was ok with the many involved, I STATED I was taking Friday off. What were they going to do? Fire me? That might be a blessing, so I am willing to pay the consequences of my choice.
I was not ugly or disrespectful, just to the point. If I don't like the way things are being done by those involved, then I make my own choice.
I needed the break as burnout is my constant companion. I feel better for having not been taken advantage of this time. It probably will not happen again, as I am aware now.