How to find a love partner?

[songwriter]

No, don't tell me again about making women laugh and being the alpha male... ....

Yes, I make them laugh, but nothing more... I always say want I want to say (like now) in an "alpha" way... not following the crowd... (like here).

Okay!.

I need another rest...

[Markus74]

Pickup artists are not looking for love but for sex. I don't think that you'll find your true love while trying to be a pickup artist ...

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Markus74

Pickup artists are not looking for love but for sex. I don't think that you'll find your true love while trying to be a pickup artist ...

They seem not to agree...

Well all this of saying "Ok, you have three seconds to give me your number" or so... Would that lead to "love"? lol

anyway... I've read a lot about "making a woman" feel good, be confident, kind, intelligent, fun, (Non-demanding too, I guess lol)...

This reminds me when I hear a girl saying something like "I want a boyfriend that's handsome, confident, kind, intelligent,..rich...". And that girl only possess... well... really didn't possess any of the qualities she mentions. Well, let's say she's kind.

If I have to make her "feel good"... I guess she has to make me feel good too... or so... not just stay there waiting...

Bob Dylan song, "It Ain't Me Babe"

I can't find the original version so here's other...

YouTube - Johnny Cash & June Carter "It Ain't Me, Babe"

"Go 'way from my window,
Leave at your own chosen speed.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I'm not the one you need.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Never weak but always strong,
To protect you an' defend you
Whether you are right or wrong,
Someone to open each and every door,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe,
Go lightly on the ground.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I will only let you down.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an' more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
There's nothing in here moving
An' anyway I'm not alone.
You say you're looking for someone
Who'll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An' to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an' nothing more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe"

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Alvin

Wulfen, do you find that the skills needed at the beginning of the relationship are different from the skills needed to sustain a long-term relationship?

Adding on to what Wulfen said, (since he's rushing off maybe I can help as the second leg ) I guess the skills required for the beginning is needed to the extent to maintain the fire and sparks in a relationship.

At the same time, not forgetting the other down-to-earth practical sides of a long-term relationship. Priorities are really important, plus values. If your no. 1priority is career right now for eg, and your partner is not, then one party has to be compromising (usually the one who's priority is not in career). for how long this person can tolerate being the second fiddle in his/her loved one's life really depends.

[songwriter]

Okey, I've just read PUA stuff and I have given a try to those pick-up techniques.
One advice they told was asking a girl number saying something like "I've lost my number give me yours".
Well, first, this is a lie. Second, is an order. Not to mention is a nonsense...
All I see is lack of respect and not "confidence". Hey, but maybe it works!.
I have just tried this in an online dating service... lol
"Give me your messenger, and if not... your number"... lol... I think that's "confident" enough. Thought maybe the most exact translation will be "Will you give me your messenger, and if not... your number".
Less an "order".
Now... if all the nos I've got turn to yes... just by changing a few words... I'll start to thinking women are crazy.
Do they want orders?

Maybe I should have written.
"Give me..." directly.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by songwriter

Now... if all the nos I've got turn to yes... just by changing a few words... I'll start to thinking women are crazy.
Do they want orders?

Maybe I should have written.
"Give me..." directly.

Yes, all they really want is to be dominated.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Alvin

But a relationship is a place you go to give, and when both partners know that, that's when a relationship deepens to such an extent you won't believe the connection and love that results. There is no 'I'll meet you halfway' attitude to a relationship, both parties never willing to make the first caring move ensures that nobody ever will.

Beautiful one Alvin.

Came in time as a reminder, something we know we should do but at times, we may really forget it's all about giving first.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Radical

Yes, all they really want is to be dominated.

lol, look at the advices... this is directly copied from the web (recommended pick up intros):

“I’ve lost my number, so put yours in my phone”
“If you ask nicely, you can buy me a drink”

Arrogance, lack of respect, domination...

Let's see what I'll get in my inbox... , thought I may have used a "light" version, you know... I'm not arrogant enough then!, mmm...

What about...

"Give it to me now, you know what I'm talking about"
or "give it to me"

That would be better...

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Radical

Yes, all they really want is to be dominated.

Hey, there's a big difference being led and dominated.

[Radical]

"Cocky and funny" - the simpletons, lol.

Anyway, if thats what they want, why not just give it to them?

How about this for a pick-up line? - "Get in my car ♥♥♥♥♥, because you're going for a ride!"

[Erki]

What about expressing genuine interest in someone, not giving her an "order"?
Looks like you have only got the dark side of the PUA(if anyone can, please tell me what does this acronym(if it is one) mean, thanks. ), ridiculous lines a la "the word is legs, let's spread the word", maybe you should look at it as a way of how to develop your ability to express yourself freely in all social situations, meeting new potential mates included.

I hope I expressed myself well enough hehe

[Radical]

I find it funny what women are attracted to. I could be as rude as I liked, and all it would do is make her more attracted to me.

[Michael Chui]

I think this is the longest thread on the forums...

[Andrew Brunelle]

I'm getting this sinking feeling right now...maybe the datingSHIP is going up in flames! I don't believe in traditional relationships, but I'm not a traditional guy. I just go with the flow. If the flow takes me one place, that's where I go. I'll never forget the day I met a woman who was supposedly very interested in me, but she was too religious or something. I cannot deal with things like that. People forcing their beliefs on me. But the whole paradigm is broken. Just don't worry, it will be over soon enough. Remember to think outside the box. That box is getting too crowded. Go at a relationship in an unorthodox way and maybe that will get the attention of a special someone.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Markus74

Pickup artists are not looking for love but for sex. I don't think that you'll find your true love while trying to be a pickup artist ...

That's true! The point we want to make though is that the PUA skills do not make you into a blind sex-hungry machine, they're just tools, and there are pickup artists who use it to look for sex and there are people who use it just to improve their relationships.

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

Adding on to what Wulfen said, (since he's rushing off maybe I can help as the second leg ) I guess the skills required for the beginning is needed to the extent to maintain the fire and sparks in a relationship.

At the same time, not forgetting the other down-to-earth practical sides of a long-term relationship. Priorities are really important, plus values. If your no. 1priority is career right now for eg, and your partner is not, then one party has to be compromising (usually the one who's priority is not in career). for how long this person can tolerate being the second fiddle in his/her loved one's life really depends.

Thanks Kloudiia, there's a lot of good advice you and the other forumers have given me and the reason I don't reply to them as much is that it's hard stuff for me to think about I do care a lot for her after all, but just because we care doesn't mean we're compatible I guess.

Originally Posted by songwriter

Okey, I've just read PUA stuff and I have given a try to those pick-up techniques.
One advice they told was asking a girl number saying something like "I've lost my number give me yours".
Well, first, this is a lie. Second, is an order. Not to mention is a nonsense...
All I see is lack of respect and not "confidence". Hey, but maybe it works!.
I have just tried this in an online dating service... lol
"Give me your messenger, and if not... your number"... lol... I think that's "confident" enough. Thought maybe the most exact translation will be "Will you give me your messenger, and if not... your number".
Less an "order".
Now... if all the nos I've got turn to yes... just by changing a few words... I'll start to thinking women are crazy.
Do they want orders?

Maybe I should have written.
"Give me..." directly.

Hahaha that is crazy, but they're meant to be delivered humorously! You know, jokes!

They could never work in my country, cultural differences do influence the techniques, I don't use those

Originally Posted by Radical

I find it funny what women are attracted to. I could be as rude as I liked, and all it would do is make her more attracted to me.

Hee, a word of advice Rad, there's a fine line between being assertive and being an ass

[songwriter]

lol... this thread has turned to be fun instead of sad...

I'm back from the "experiment"... you know... "give me your messenger, and if not, your number" or so...

2 girls have read but not answered and the other seems offended...
it seems those PUA things... are... very... well at least they don't work in Spain. lol.
Or maybe I should have been more "taking the lead" (not dominating!).
More of an order... "give me your number"... well... I have talked about this with a friend I know that is successful with girls...
You can call it a pick-up artist or so... but he doesn't use that techniques at all and he has been in long relationships too.. He thinks that that way you only get to scare a woman.

Imagine you're in a disco and, straight away you say "Give me your number" in a confident way. Well, at least here that doesn't work at all.
Here is very different... now I'm doing what I have done all my life. If someone is better than me doing something... I don't hate him... I learn from him. So I watched the approaches ("Techniques" is a word I don't like...) that work the best here...

That "straight confidence" doesn't seem to work here (hey, I gave it a try thought I didn't liked it)... women use to see it as an offense (I see it too that way, you know...) and a scary thing.

Here is more of game with no words. Maybe is a "latin thing", I don't know...
First come looks at each other, then approach, then dancing, then more approach, you know... if everything goes right, I mean if the woman welcomes the aproach with the right signals. Sometimes woman approach man too and do all that, maybe except the last approach.

It seems an assertive way... I like it.

[Michael Chui]

Nah, you don't command them to give you their number. You go something like, "So, in order to see you again, I'm going to have to call you." And if they don't give you the number, then I'd imagine you didn't set up attraction right.

Think like an entrepreneur. Fail fast and fail often. Get yourself shot down by a couple dozen girls, but keep varying your approach, your style, etc. Something'll work.

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Nah, you don't command them to give you their number. You go something like, "So, in order to see you again, I'm going to have to call you." And if they don't give you the number, then I'd imagine you didn't set up attraction right.

Think like an entrepreneur. Fail fast and fail often. Get yourself shot down by a couple dozen girls, but keep varying your approach, your style, etc. Something'll work.

That "Give me your number" style may work in the USA, not here. I mean doing it straight away. I have learnt the style of someone who really has success, not by reading something on the web or in a book. Now that doesn't mean I have to copy his style... I may see other people styles and combine them all to find my own.

It's just like songwriting. No songwriting lessons, just listen to the best ones.

(The only trouble with this is that I think that all this leads to sex without love not to a love relationship.)

[Radical]

You can't.

You just have to put yourself out there, take risks, and then when you fall for someone, hope that they've fallen for you too.

[Dolazy]

My advise is that you find a good book on cognitive behavioral therapy and work on the thoughts or beliefs that are holding your back. I favor books written by Matthew McKay, especially 'Thoughts and feelings' and 'Self-esteem'.

These books won't explain you how to get a girlfriend, but they may help you in identifying and resolving a few the most crucial obstacles that prevent you from getting involved into a relationship.


Hope this helps,

Francis

[jaamkie]

First on the idea of "rules for dating"- I would suggest that you think of them as standards, same as other networking standards like TCP/IP... like they allow expectations of normal behavior/interactions to enable communication, they exist not because they are somehow preordained the-one-right-way but because when trying to interact without preexisting agreements almost any standard is better than no standard at all, and no one has time to negotiate diverse standards for each individual connection before being able to communicate content. So as you get to know someone better you can agree on modifications that suit you both... hence the wide variety of long term relationships that can arise from people more-or-less following the standard dating rules when they first meet. I wouldnt think of them as restrictive so much as they are freeing, freeing to focus on the content of the relationship rather than on the trivial questions of how do I ask someone out, how do I get to know this person better, how do I communicate interest, how often should we talk/meet/etc...

So more relevantly, I wanted to respond with advice because I've had guys approach me who might be similar to you, and I want to give the advice that I sort-of wanted to give them (but didnt because they didnt ask for it);

first, if your current experiences arent working, then assume they will continue to not work if you dont change something... you claim you get positive feedback from women before asking for their number, but ultimately they arent interested, so assume whatever signals you usually notice are meaningless (no matter how much it matches what everyone says is the right feedback to expect, no matter how much your friends are claiming that the woman is interested), and dont ask for a number unless you get something different (as to exactly what would be different I dont know, and it might not be more "positive" feeling, but it would be different).

second, I recommend looking at your own standards/expectations and maybe raising them... not necessarily in the stereotypical sense of looking for someone hotter/more popular, but think about what traits you are really looking for in a woman, what sort of little quirks would you find cute and what is a dealbreaker, and then when you are meeting/flirting with women make more of an effort to verify whether the woman matches what you're looking for. This will lead your interaction to more important less shallow conversation and help convince the woman that you really are a good match for serious dating and that you aren't desperately looking for just any woman to date... as well as help weed out women that really arent a good match. Also, if you cant imagine meeting the woman of your dreams in the environments where you typically meet women, then consider where these type of women might socialize and make an effort to socialize there as well.

third, I agree with the advice to befriend some women when you might before have flirted and got their number- not because it will lead to romance with these particular women but because it is good practice to be able to befriend women and to be sure you arent being creepy/overzealous and scaring off women. Then once you are comfortable/capable of befriending women, you just add in the right amount of additional attention/flirting as you get to know women that meet your standards (above) and you'll have women very interested in you. Too little flirting/attention and the woman assumes you arent that interested and categorizes you as "friend" to prevent herself from having unrealistic fantasies, even if she would otherwise be attracted; too much flirting/attention makes women nervous, wondering if the man is being genuine or fake, whether the man is in too much of a hurry to just have her immediately and isnt interested in the long term, whether the man is oblivious to social norms, etc. You have to experiment to find the right balance... and realize trying to act different ways isnt about "being yourself" as much as it is about following the conventions closely enough to enable communication to really express yourself and get to know the woman and develop intimacy.