Crappy Friday night

[LordSappington]

So, I really wanted to go see Slumdog Millionaire tonight. I hear it's a phenomenal movie, but also a bit intense, so I wanted to go with someone to maybe discuss it afterwards. I asked no fewer than eight people to go with me. All either didn't answer their phone, were out of town, didn't want to go, or were too busy to go.

So now I'm going by myself. I'll at least see the movie, but I feel like this is a microcosm of my life. I try to invite people to participate in my life, but people are completely uninterested. I'm not sure how to keep up the unrealistic optimism that people actually will actually want to go with me. I find it hard to keep on making the phone calls. I feel like I'm selling vacuum cleaners and just keep on getting hung up on.

[jay78]

Hhhmm....well, I'd put it into perspective. You did give them all pretty short notice and Friday night really is like the date night of the week...a lot of people know what they're going to do on Friday before Tuesday hits.

[ZHereford]

Maybe you didn't give them enough notice. It's nice to do things spontaneously, but if people are busy or have made other plans it's makes it harder to get them to go.

On the other hand if this happens to you regularly you should find out why. You don't sound like a boring person. Maybe you just need to sharpen your persuasion skills.

[LordSappington]

Yeah, I should've given prior notice, but I had other plans that fell through. How much notice is appropriate notice? Should I need to plan all my outings weeks in advance? I have tried announcing my plans on Facebook globally "I want to go see XYZ movie on Friday. Who wants to come?" and no one ever replies. Should I seriously have to personally phone everyone involved and invite them?

I should note that most of these people don't ever reciprocate by inviting me to anything. Last night, two people actually returned my calls. They are the *only* people who ever invite me to anything, but sadly, both are moving away quite soon.

[A.K.Light]

Hey, don't feel too bad. I instantly say no to every invitation unless it's about 4 days ahead of time. People are busy. And they're not thinking about this as much as you are. You'd probably need to become good enough friends with these people that they'd do just about anything with you. Once your reputation says "I'm always up for fun" then you'll probably get more invitations. Just study someone who's always out doing things with other people.

[torilink]

reminds me of one of my favorite quotes

"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready, and it may be a long time before they set off." Thoreau

You could have always waited until the time was convenient for a friend to come along - or put the movie off until next weekend and secured plans... but if you want to do something NOW, often if means doing it alone. That's ok, it's always your call.

Very often I prefer to do things alone rather than wait until another feels like doing it with me.

[LordSappington]

So, I decided to try this again but with giving sufficient notice. I wanted to see a movie this Friday. So I found out where it was playing, picked a 9:40 show time, and asked about 15 people either via e-mail or phone. I let them know on Monday because I figured that was sufficient notice.

Two people said yes. It was disappointing. Most people said, "Maybe" but didn't really give any indication as to what they were doing otherwise; it was something like this, "Well, yeah, ummm... Friday night is the day when I... ummm... wash my hair. So I don't know if I can go. I'll let you know if I can." Which, based on my previous experience, I interpret as: "I don't want to go. I will not got. I won't bother letting you know if I want to go."

Anyhow, I did manage to get some people to go. So that was good. Until I checked to see if we could buy tickets ahead of time since this was opening night. I didn't expect it to sell out, but it might. And then I discovered that the movie was no longer being shown at the theater at all. I called the theater, and they had no record of it ever being shown, even though they had showtimes up on their website just a few days before. So I had to contact everyone who wanted to go and tell them it was off.

So, my attempt to organize people was an abysmal failure. Not only did I get repeatedly turned down by my friends, but I now seem like a total flake to the people who I tried to organize. Now I remember why I try not to do things like this. It's always tends to be one giant disappointment.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

My intent here is to help and I want to say that right off because I feel like I'm about to say something that might peeve you or even hurt your feelings.

From what I've seen of you on the boards, you have quite a negative mindset. You may say, "Of course I do, people are always avoiding going to the movies with me!" or something. I guess what I mean is that it seems like you expect bad things to happen, you expect people not to like you or want to hang out with you. It means something about you if you don't get taken up on your offer to go check out a movie. In reality that's about as far from the truth as you can get.

For me, there's a finite amount of time in which I get to have fun. I can't even remember the last time I went to a movie. I think it was The Dark Knight. And I love movies. I'd wager that either one or a combination of the following two things is happening: people are busy and only have time for a select few outings or they are being held at arms length by your attitude.

Again, I know this wouldn't be something you want to hear. And if I'm way off base, please accept my apology. Just something to think about.

[LordSappington]

I'm just frustrated. I *never* say stuff like that to people. I just say, "Oh well, that's a shame, you're missing a good movie." But after the 9th rejection, it's just hard to stay positive. I know all the pickup people say "Go and get rejected from as many women as you can." That's funny because those people are strangers. But that doesn't work with your friends. You're friends aren't *supposed* to reject you.

I feel alone and friendless. In about 6 months, I will actually be alone and friendless because the people who actually would've gone with me to this movie are moving away. I don't know what to do about it. I've struggled with this for over a decade, and the only conclusion I can come up with is that there is something so fundamentally wrong with who I am that makes me completely unlikeable. Someone actually told me that once. I thought that was a terrible comment to make, considering she was supposed to be my friend, but now I wonder if she wasn't on to something.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

II don't know what to do about it. I've struggled with this for over a decade, and the only conclusion I can come up with is that there is something so fundamentally wrong with who I am that makes me completely unlikeable. Someone actually told me that once. I thought that was a terrible comment to make, considering she was supposed to be my friend, but now I wonder if she wasn't on to something.

It's possible. I mean, you certainly seem like a decent guy on paper, for what it's worth. Did you friend go into any more detail? If you responded defensively maybe you should reconnect with her and ask about it again.. see what you can learn.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

I'm just frustrated. I *never* say stuff like that to people. I just say, "Oh well, that's a shame, you're missing a good movie." But after the 9th rejection, it's just hard to stay positive. I know all the pickup people say "Go and get rejected from as many women as you can." That's funny because those people are strangers. But that doesn't work with your friends. You're friends aren't *supposed* to reject you.

I feel alone and friendless. In about 6 months, I will actually be alone and friendless because the people who actually would've gone with me to this movie are moving away. I don't know what to do about it. I've struggled with this for over a decade, and the only conclusion I can come up with is that there is something so fundamentally wrong with who I am that makes me completely unlikeable. Someone actually told me that once. I thought that was a terrible comment to make, considering she was supposed to be my friend, but now I wonder if she wasn't on to something.

I can understand why you would be frustrated. As Dan said, you come across as a regular, decent guy here. Other than the seemingly negative mindset, nothing you've been on these forums has put me off. So, again, Dan is on track when he advises you to look at what your friend said. I wouldn't say something is "so fundamentally wrong with who [you are] that makes [you] completely unlikeable" but for someone to say a thing like that, especially a friend (and think about whether she's someone whose opinion you value/trust) makes me think that maybe there are areas of your personality you could work on to improve in the area of friendship.

However, probably the worst thing you could do is buy into the mindset that you are flawed. You are perfect, whole and complete. You could just be projecting something different to the world. In cases like these, I like to use Angela's coaching formula. You could go deep as she normally does all the way back to childhood or you could just start with where you are. The jist is to look at what you are being that the world occurs for you as it does. Then you examine the cost of what this way of being has been in your life. Finally, you come up with a new, inspiring possibility of what to BE instead. It's a really powerful way to take responsibility for your life.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

Anyhow, I did manage to get some people to go. So that was good. Until I checked to see if we could buy tickets ahead of time since this was opening night. I didn't expect it to sell out, but it might. And then I discovered that the movie was no longer being shown at the theater at all. I called the theater, and they had no record of it ever being shown, even though they had showtimes up on their website just a few days before. So I had to contact everyone who wanted to go and tell them it was off.

Why did you cancel the get-together simply because the particular movie you wanted to see wasn't playing??? Why didn't you find another movie the 3 of you would be interested, or go do something else like play board games, go to a bar, invite them to your place and have dinner, etc? To me, canceling the get-together with two of your friends sends the signal "What I really wanted was some company to see the movie, but since the movie isn't playing, I don't care about seeing you guys at all or hanging out with you guys". Not exactly friendship-building signals to send.

The true objective of the night wasn't to see a particular movie, but to hang out and socialize and have fun....no?

[LordSappington]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Why did you cancel the get-together simply because the particular movie you wanted to see wasn't playing??? Why didn't you find another movie the 3 of you would be interested, or go do something else like play board games, go to a bar, invite them to your place and have dinner, etc?

I spent a fair amount of time trying to convince people that this movie was worthwhile to see; most people weren't particularly interested to begin with. I think proposing something else would be even worse because no one likes a bait and switch. The point of the outing was not to socialize; it was to see a movie, and maybe socialize. The people who were going were not likely to socialize. Based on my previous experience, they wouldn't have gone out somewhere with me afterwards. They probably wouldn't have taken any time with me to discuss the movie. Some people were bringing dates. They promoted the movie to their dates, and were very disappointed that they couldn't see the movie. No one suggested that we see another movie. No one other than me sounded at all interested in doing it in the first place at all.

In this case, the best thing was to cancel. I strongly suspect that if I said, "OK, so no movie, but now we're going to be playing board games," I would be playing board games alone and would have a bunch of very pissed off people on my hands.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

I spent a fair amount of time trying to convince people that this movie was worthwhile to see; most people weren't particularly interested to begin with. I think proposing something else would be even worse because no one likes a bait and switch. The point of the outing was not to socialize; it was to see a movie, and maybe socialize. The people who were going were not likely to socialize. Based on my previous experience, they wouldn't have gone out somewhere with me afterwards. They probably wouldn't have taken any time with me to discuss the movie. Some people were bringing dates. They promoted the movie to their dates, and were very disappointed that they couldn't see the movie. No one suggested that we see another movie. No one other than me sounded at all interested in doing it in the first place at all.

If all you guys were going to do was watch the movie, and nothing much else, then why go as a group? When I want to watch a movie, I just go and watch a movie by myself. I've done that plenty of times and I love it. I don't need people to be with me to truly love watching a movie. If I go with a group, or with other people, then I'm going to the movies as a social event. I certainly don't need a babysitter to watch a movie .

You're complaining about having no one to socialize with, and yet, you create events where you know there'll be no socializing. I'm puzzled.

And frankly, that's not bait and switch, if you promote something, find out you were wrong, and then offer for something else. It's being honest, and a resources. It's apologizing, being upfront about your mistake, and offering something else with the knowledge that they can refuse to come because you've changed the deal. It's you being proactive and trying to offer something else since they've already committed their time.

In this case, the best thing was to cancel. I strongly suspect that if I said, "OK, so no movie, but now we're going to be playing board games," I would be playing board games alone and would have a bunch of very pissed off people on my hands.

Again, it's not about you deciding what the alternative is. It's about you offering an alternative - you finding out if there's something all of you guys would have a great time doing. It's about "Hey, I've got this idea of doing this or that alternatively, what do you think?".

[RT Wolf]

I reckon it's probably nothing fundamentally wrong with your personality, it may just be the way you interact with people. It's probably unconscious, so you may consider asking people what they think of you, honestly and they may be able to point to it in some vague way. I do this every once in a while with my friends, 3 things they like and three things they don't. So far, I've always gotten good feedback. It might be something minor like not meeting another person's eyes, or perhaps looking at them too long, or standing too close or too far. I dunno if you're in your native culture, but if you're not, there may be some stuff there you have to adjust to like I did when I first came to Canada.

Anyhoo, yea, so the way you interact with people would be the first step. Another thing may be to consider whether you're in a social group like yourself. The only advice I can offer here is to go out and meet more people, you may find more people who're similar to you. I was part of a group for like three years and eventually left when two of the guys got together and ripped me a new one for being too happy. Not kidding. Maybe you just need to find new people who're more compatible.

[RRR]

Please pardon the RDD.

You come off as needy, pessimistic and expecting rejection. If you have friends who aren't interested in doing things with you, make more friends. You are worthy of friends.

Why do you keep trying Fridays? Seriously...try setting up Tuesdays and Thursdays and see what happens.

Do you know why people don't like you? I'd wager its because you believe people don't like you, so you over-compensate, come off as needy and depressed, and bring people down. You resonate with rejection, you expect rejection, you get rejection. Why keep messaging people who continually reject you? Are you particularly intimate with these people or do you keep everyone at a distance? It sounds more like you are having trouble bridging the gap between acquaintance and friendship, try harnessing oneness and treating everyone your friend, lower your shields.

[LordSappington]

Originally Posted by RRR

Please pardon the RDD.
You come off as needy, pessimistic and expecting rejection.

Maybe I'm needy. I'm definitely lonely. I expect rejection because that's realistic. It has been my experience that most people reject me when I try this. Usually repeatedly. Maybe I should walk away after the first rejection and never invite them again. That way, I don't come off as needy. Really, the only way I see myself as coming off as non-needy is simply not inviting anyone to anything. Simply saying, "I would enjoy your company" seems to creep most people out.

If you have friends who aren't interested in doing things with you, make more friends. You are worthy of friends.

This is easier said than done. I have been trying for almost four years. It turns out that most people are either not interested in me, or not interested in the things I do.

Why do you keep trying Fridays? Seriously...try setting up Tuesdays and Thursdays and see what happens.

I used to invite people on Thursdays. There are these great free concerts on Thursdays. I also tried Wednesdays. There were free concerts then too. I've tried Monday / Sunday for a game of pick-up sports. I've tried Saturday night with a Halloween party. Guess what? No one ever wanted to go to anything. Movies are simple. Movies require you to get to the theater, watch, and then go home. I was hoping people would be willing to do that.

Do you know why people don't like you?

No. If I did, this would be a lot easier. I've asked people before. They say they do indeed like me. I guess I've never asked them, "Then why do you never hang out with me?" But at the point I ask that, I come off as incredibly needy, and there's no way they ever would again.

Why keep messaging people who continually reject you? Are you particularly intimate with these people or do you keep everyone at a distance?

Because these are the people I know. There isn't anyone else to invite. I'm not intimate with these people. They aren't my close friends by any means. It's hard to become close friends if you can't spend any time together. I've noticed that inviting people to spend time with me almost always *weakens* any sort of friendship I have with them. The only thing which strengthens it is if they invite me. Yeah, it makes no sense, but that's how it is.

It sounds more like you are having trouble bridging the gap between acquaintance and friendship, try harnessing oneness and treating everyone your friend, lower your shields.

What do you do to transition from acquaintances to friends? It seemed to me that getting everyone together to do stuff would be the easiest. You don't need to plan social interaction; it should just happen. Maybe I just know a bunch of anti-social rejects.