bars

[jaamkie]

So I'm moving, and decided to go check out my new neighborhood bar last night. Going in there, a woman alone, I didn't at first think was odd, but it seemed that it was. There were groups of men, and couples, and female bartenders, but I didn't see any just-women to talk to. One of the group of men I ended up talking with mentioned something about me being a woman coming there alone, in a friendly reassuring way, but apparently he thought it worth commenting on.

Then another of the guys came on rather persistently, despite me dressed casually, just chilling and not looking for attention, and telling him I had a boyfriend. Of course he was drunk, waiting for his cab, and the female bartender told him to back off, but I feel awkward rejecting guys who want to "get my number" when I'm looking for friendly conversation, and again I wonder what assumptions I walked into about women-alone-in-bars.

So what do people think is the point of going to a casual neighborhood bar? I thought the point was to socialize with random people you might not otherwise talk to, exchange stories and ideas- be entertained and maybe learn something, maybe find a new friend. I'd spend the evening talking and laughing, and exchange phone numbers with anyone, except the stupid implication that it should lead to something sexual, which is not at all what I'm looking for. I really hate guys persistently telling me they're attracted, want my number, etc, because I have a boyfriend and I'm not looking for anyone else, and I feel like even putting myself in the situation to be hit-on is not helpful to our relationship. Yet I DO want to meet and talk to new people, try to be less shy and experience life, interact just human to human, and I thought bars were one place people go open to and expecting that random interaction.

[RT Wolf]

I'm sorry, why did you write this post? To try to figure out what happened?

Sounds something like this to me: you were expecting bars to be places you can just hang out casually without sexual advances. Your expectations did not match reality and you found out that this is not the case.

So, do you want to find other places where this is not the case? Classes might be good. I'm sure there's some free classes going on around your town somewhere. Dance, yoga, meditation, cooking, whatever.

[jaamkie]

Posted for several reasons:

to understand why men are unpleasantly persistent and make things awkward (sure I guess I understand an initial advance and that's not what bothered me- but if you get "no thanks I have a boyfriend" why do you continue until the woman gets uncomfortable and has to be rude?)

to understand why I felt like the men there thought it was odd to go to a bar as a woman alone (and why there weren't more women there to talk to)

to understand what other people see as the purpose of going out drinking, if not to socialize with random people

and yes to ask where else I could go purely for social interaction.

And I do take classes- yoga, drawing, and sometimes do volunteer tutoring/teaching; but I'm shy, and the purpose of those activities is firstly the activity itself, and only secondarily socializing (and with yoga in particular, the quiet inwardness is a big part of what I like about it- not having to think about other people). I guess it has come up now because I've been working from home for several days, when usually I work in a highly-collaborative overflowing team-room, so I was lonely and looking for more prolonged conversation than what fits into the slow moments of some other activity. The only place I could think to go was a bar, and I did have my socializing, but I also felt I was breaking some sort of social rule by even going there, and want to find a way to socialize without guys ruining friendly interaction by trying to aggressively flirt.

[Chris Cade]

Bars typically have some basic assumptions that most of society (in my experience) make:

- It's for socializing in groups
- Finding dates / one night stands

Bars are not usually associated with "alone people looking for casual conversation."

You may do better in other environments such as cafes, jazz clubs, local community college classes (i.e. art), or environments where conversation is encouraged and fostered.

[jaamkie]

thanks for the reply.... I'm curious- jazz clubs? my favorite one is strictly silent so you can listen to the music properly... I can't imagine meeting someone there and having a conversation (though the performances are awesome!) My community-college art classes and live model sessions also have been somewhat quiet/contemplative and very focused, again where any conversation would be intruding on someone's concentration- certainly if someone tried to talk to me they'd get a spaced-out distracted reply.

My old favorite place to go alone and bored was a lesbian club- for random conversations and dancing and drinking; I never felt unwelcome, and women were always quick to intuitively understand I was just hanging out, and there were other alone-women there also just chilling... But it's a bit far away now that I'm moving. And of course I often go out with my boyfriend, again just for the sake of new surroundings and new people to talk to (recently we went up to Baltimore and had a hilarious time joking around with this old guy and some other girls in an Irish bar). Then I guess I also had this expectation from bachelor male friends, particularly this Irish guy I know, who have a regular bar they often go to alone, not necessarily looking to pick up women, but just for the social interaction of it. I don't know if it's a guy-thing and odd for women to do, or are they just being weird as well?

[crescive]

It could just be the particular bar you went to, as with restaurants and music venues, I try to stick to places that are 'my taste'. However, I understand your issue & I think they bring up interesting questions about male-female social dynamics. I wonder if certain men don't want to or know how to face rejection graciously so they push it to the point of rudeness to cover up embarrassment, I wonder if some almost push it <i> to </i>get a rude response so they could retaliate by calling 'bitch' and it protects the ego. Anyways, just ideas! My suggestion if you go to bars alone that don't have very many friendly people, to strike up conversation with the bartenders, they're often friendly, talkative & interesting!

[crescive]

I was talking about this topic with my boyfriend and he brought up some good suggestions, usually bars in restaurants are better places than the neighborhood sports bar to strike up friendly conversation with people. Even better, my bf works at a Japanese restarant, many singles would sit at the sushi bar and then end up sharing rolls or a dessert, of course you said you had a boyfriend but I'm sure some fun casual conversation could be had easier at sushi bars, people are usually there to eat, not trying to get into anyone's pants.