How do I tell a person I don't want to be friends?

[sunnywinter]

I have this problem.
Theres a person at my school and I really don't like her.
She began sitting with our group, and I felt sorry for her because she had no friends.
Thats the only reason I let her sit with us and hang around us because i know what its like to have no friends.
Now I really regret it.
Shes always ringing my house and wanting me to sleepover and do things with her, but I'm running out of excuses to avoid her.
I'm always trying to hint i don't really like her, but i don't have the guts or the heart to tell her out front.
I've been avoiding her as much as I can, but she won't let go! I can't say how much i regret letting her think i was her friend, plus she has no other friends she can hang around. I'm sick of being the sympathizer!

Your probably thinking 'whats so bad about her?' Everything!
She stand really close to you and its like she always wants to be touching you. She stares at you when shes talking, and you can't get a word in, so its really uncomfortable to be around her. She acts like shes the smartest in the world. (Don't get me wrong she probably is) and she corrects you with every grammatically incorrect word you use. Its annoying!
I don't know what to do
Any suggestions as to how I can get her out of my life without hurting her feelings or making her upset?

[Zwynd]

Originally Posted by sunnywinter

I don't know what to do
Any suggestions as to how I can get her out of my life without hurting her feelings or making her upset?

You absolutely want to get rid of her? But you don't want her to be upset? It won't work. Everyone gets upset, you can't please everyone. And when you do (as you have been doing) you are the one that gets crapped on.

You've got quite a few choices here though...

If she has a nice personality otherwise then perhaps keeping her as a friend is beneficial to you both. Have a sit-down and talk with her, telling her what upsets you about her. She may not know that she's sitting too close or doing other irritating things and suddenly you've helped her become more aware of personal space (which helps her in other relationships.)

If she's phoning at all hours then give her a time-frame she should call at. Then hold true to that and don't allow others to call you at that time either. If she is trying to take up all that time tell her you'd like the line free some of the night for your other friends or emergency calls. You're the one allowing her to make you uncomfortable and irritated.

You will always find people like this and invite them into your life until you can learn to stand up for yourself and understand that not everyone is pre-programmed to your comfort settings. Teach them, learn from them, then let them go if they will not meet you at least half-way.

Another option is one people often take which isn't too 'harmful'. It is to just say something like, "We're different people, I'd like to end our friendship. Thank you for the fun experiences we did have together."

As a note, I had a friend like that when I was a teen. I did the wrong thing. I kept avoiding this person like you are doing till they eventually took the hint and stopped calling. How frustrating to play the avoidance game for months. It was a waste of energy and one simple talk could have enriched our friendship or at least have finished it much sooner with less stress.

[jaamkie]

I agree, avoiding someone is a bad way to end a friendship. She probably doesn't realize what she's doing that is annoying- if you kindly point it out, you might help her in making other friends so she's not so dependent on you. Even if she doesn't change, it is still better to hear a direct kind "You're taking up too much of my time/energy, you make me uncomfortable sometimes by doing X Y Z, and I'd rather we don't spend so much time together or talk so often" rather than silent rejection.

[TrashyMcTrash]

but how does this work if i want to apply the principle of oneness according to steve's book?

i have a similar problem - there are a couple of people in my university who i can't really stand, but I know that if I'm nice to them, they will tend to stick around and get on my nerves. in other words: if i apply the principle of oneness and love them unconditionally, I will end up having someone getting on my nerves. ugh

Am I misinterpreting something? I'm almost sure I do.

[Zwynd]

Originally Posted by TrashyMcTrash

Am I misinterpreting something? I'm almost sure I do.

Sounds like you're trying to please them. Do you have to live with them 24/7? If not, you've already got a good situation.

I'd ask myself "Why am I so upset with these people? What can they give me? Am I sucking up? Am I doing it because if I don't I'm afraid I will lose something?"

You can express your feelings to them, "I feel what you said was rude" or whatever needs to be said for the specific situation. But by staying silent and nodding your head, even when your teeth are grinding in frustration, you're allowing them to treat you the way they want to treat you.

As with the OP, these people may not understand how they're being jarring while others may know and well, you can't (and shouldn't) do much about them other than just leaving them be or keeping conversations respectful and short.

[pyrogen]

You don't have to be friends with everyone. If the person has poor social skills, you're actually not doing a favor by being polite.

Some people need the clue stick and you are doing them a favor by using it.

Just for an example, I am acquainted with a LOT of people with Asperger's Syndrome - they very often end up in the situation of the person who wants to be your friend, and being told bluntly "I don't want to be your friend and here is why" is usually the ONLY way they ever learn. They often will not even realize you AREN'T friends until told bluntly.

[sunnywinter]

hhmmm.
thanks guys.
I know the avoidance game sucks and that I should tell her and talk with her.
I think I just needed the word before I can actually do it. SOme encouragement I guess. I don't like being unkind and this sort of thing falls into the unkind category for me. ...I just can't do it -shrug-
I guess there is no way to break it with someone without them getting upset.

I think i'll try slowly letting her go and dropping bigger hints. but if it still doesnt work i'll sit down and talk to her.

[bd90]

I have a similar problem. I've been avoiding a friend of mine because he always takes over a conversation and never gives me time to talk. And when I do, he just continues his conversation like he didn't hear what I just said. So he called today for the sixth time but I never answered the phone.

Right now, I have to admit I'm a bit annoyed that he can't take a hint. Yet at the same time, I really don't feel like confronting him. I try to apply compassion to this situation but just can't seem to. I know what I need to do is confront the issue as everyone has mentioned. But let me ask you this? Can I send him an email? Or is this too tacky?

[cheech]

Originally Posted by bd90

I know what I need to do is confront the issue as everyone has mentioned. But let me ask you this? Can I send him an email? Or is this too tacky?

It does kind of feel tacky. It's much better (for both of you) to resolve the situation in a slightly tacky way than not to resolve it at all though, so if you feel too uncomfortable to have this conversation, I would say by all means send the e-mail.

[Loi13]

Ditto.
People overestimate the tackiness in sending an email. I had a friend who ended a friendship with me by vaguely hinting at it in a blog (he didn't even use my name). Although that was AMAZINGLY tacky, I'm glad he did it so I didn't have to waste my time talking with him.
At worst, he might want to discuss it with you in person in which case he will start the conversation and you can politely explain why the friendship must end.

[Loi13]

What kind of hints are you dropping? Could you please give us an example of one?