Honest apology vs No Contact for some time

[TektonikShift]

Dear friends, I need to take an important decision regarding a story I have already mentioned before, but I thought I would make it simpler in a new post since the previous one was complicated and discussed different topics at the same time.

Basically I messed up with a girl and realized my mistakes much later... very much later. They weren't great mistakes but little mistakes of attitude.
I know that after a separation normally it's better to let a lot of time pass until you recontact them in any way. However, I feel that if I have to be honest about myself I should at least write to her that I realized what my mistakes were and that, regardlessly of what she thinks about me now, I will become a better person in life and towards other people, and that I learned it thanks to her.

People often say that "No Contact" is the best option since ex-girlfriends might otherwise think you're clingy and just trying a plan to get them back.

We haven't spoken since a month and a half, and she might be already over with me now.

[JimOfferman]

I believe honest communication is always best.

By that I mean: do and say what you want to do and say. If you feel a need to apologize, then apologize. Just be sure to do it because it makes you feel better to have apologized, not to achieve some hidden goal.

If she ends up feeling better after the apology, that's just a bonus.

[Chris Cade]

I agree with Jim - be authentic without expectation and see where things go from there.

[TektonikShift]

The point is that with women it's often necessary to think strategically before authenticity... what I truly want deep inside is to at least get her respect and friendship.

So I'd be ready to trade-off my authenticity in case another way might be better to achieve the main goal.

[Chris Cade]

To each their own... but I personally wouldn't want other people basing their opinion of me on a false "strategic" self when there's an authentic me inside that prefers to be expressed.

I guess it comes down to the fact that your words indicate that you have something to lose if she were to know the "real" you.

So what are you scared to lose by letting somebody see you authentically?

(and in the event this comes across as criticism, it is not intended so in any way/shape/form... it's only intended as an opportunity to guide and explore what feels right for you, and I know that my insights and questions are based on my experience - not on yours)

[TektonikShift]

It isn't about the "real" me, but about the right words...

I don't think we are always the "real" we, even when we act naturally. We might be stressed, we might have thousands of problems in our head and thereby come across differently from who we really are when we communicate.

My question isn't about being, but about doing what might achieve a more favorable outcome.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

My question isn't about being, but about doing what might achieve a more favorable outcome.

Well, in that case, maybe you should take acting lessons so you can pretend more convincingly and watch a bunch of romantic movies for some ideas for what to do. Those things are proven, 'cause it works in those movies, right?

But before you do, consider what you are really saying here. You want to do some thing that will trick her into wanting to be with you again. REALLY???

[Cristal Lilly]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

Basically I messed up with a girl and realized my mistakes much later... very much later. They weren't great mistakes but little mistakes of attitude.

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

The point is that with women it's often necessary to think strategically before authenticity...

please look at your own words.

do you think you can see a key to why she wouldn't respect an apology from you in those words?
and why she might not feel comfortable having you as a friend?

[TektonikShift]

Come on folks... don't you always use a bit of butter to make things go smoother?

I'm not asking for a "trick"... but an opener, an ice-breaker.

[Chris Cade]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

Come on folks... don't you always use a bit of butter to make things go smoother?

I'm not asking for a "trick"... but an opener, an ice-breaker.

My butter is always organic... err, I mean authentic My ice-breaker or opener is honesty and authenticity.

However, to be fair I've been working on being more open and authentic for years, so people come to expect that from me... it's easier to open with honesty when it's expected.

Many many years ago, I had a few situations where I got back in contact with an ex (both girlfriends and platonic friends) after *I* broke their heart... sometimes in unusually unfair and cruel ways.

And every time I approached them to repair the breach, it was spur-of-the-moment authenticity... I felt compelled to share with them my truth. And every time, it provided very good results.

I can't speak for you and your situation specifically, other than you've come asking for advice and the best I can do is offer my own experience.

It is far less important what you say, and more important how you say it and the place you're coming from when you say it. Sort of like the difference between an insincere apology, vs. somebody who doesn't apologize for an incident but instead takes action to make amends... which one do people tend to respond to more effectively?

Ask yourself this:

"If I knew she would respond favorably no matter what I said,what would I say?"

If the answer is strategically focused with sugar, strawberries, and whipped cream on top... then go with that. If the answer is a more direct and simple approach, then go with that.

[Cristal Lilly]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

I'm not asking for a "trick"... but an opener, an ice-breaker.

first you said you just wanted to be honest, to apologise for your mistakes and thank her for the lessons.
now you say you want some butter to break the ice, that you want an opener. an opener implies you actually want to have some sort of relationship with this girl again. and with how you thought everyone uses/you want to use butter 'to make things go smoother' implied you think this apology is the butter, a.k.a. a tool or means to get something else you really want.

so first decide what you want. then be honest with yourself about it. then, if you ask people to advise you about it, be honest with them too (it really does help if they know what you're really after).
I know you might not see it this way, but I really think it would be useful for you to look at your own posts in this thread as if you were reading someone else's words, cause it may lead you to discover that you're not really being entirely honest or consistent. you may notice some other stuff too. but I'll leave you to it.

[magi13]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

Dear friends, I need to take an important decision regarding a story I have already mentioned before, but I thought I would make it simpler in a new post since the previous one was complicated and discussed different topics at the same time.

Basically I messed up with a girl and realized my mistakes much later... very much later. They weren't great mistakes but little mistakes of attitude.
I know that after a separation normally it's better to let a lot of time pass until you recontact them in any way. However, I feel that if I have to be honest about myself I should at least write to her that I realized what my mistakes were and that, regardlessly of what she thinks about me now, I will become a better person in life and towards other people, and that I learned it thanks to her.

People often say that "No Contact" is the best option since ex-girlfriends might otherwise think you're clingy and just trying a plan to get them back.

We haven't spoken since a month and a half, and she might be already over with me now.

Honest apology always, no contact will breed more bad vibes.

[TektonikShift]

Originally Posted by Chris Cade

Ask yourself this:

"If I knew she would respond favorably no matter what I said,what would I say?"

This is a very optimistic scenario. I rather think that no matter what I say, she will either think it's just some approach to get back to her or she will not respond at all.

That's why I prefer using butter and jam (organic or not ) as a safe way in.

[TektonikShift]

Originally Posted by Cristal Lilly

first you said you just wanted to be honest, to apologise for your mistakes and thank her for the lessons.
now you say you want some butter to break the ice, that you want an opener. an opener implies you actually want to have some sort of relationship with this girl again. and with how you thought everyone uses/you want to use butter 'to make things go smoother' implied you think this apology is the butter, a.k.a. a tool or means to get something else you really want.

I think you misunderstood or you are putting words into my mouth.

I want to be honest with her, and whatever relationship I might have with her in future (whether romantic or just friends; and my aim would be to remain at least good friends), I am simply quite sure that the first words, the first impression after all this time apart... will count a lot.

What I am saying is: before being able to apologize and talk openly and honestly, I need a tool to get her to listen to me. According to the way she has behaved so far, I fear that whatever I say she might just delete it from her attention field and avoid all my words with full indifference.

I need to get past that barrier in order to be able to talk to her and apologize.

[Chris Cade]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

This is a very optimistic scenario. I rather think that no matter what I say, she will either think it's just some approach to get back to her or she will not respond at all.

It's not optimistic at all. You clearly have in your head what a "favorable response" would be, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to put some sugar on top to achieve the favorable response.

So first define what that favorable response is, and then justt ry asking that question - if you knew she'd respond in your "favorable" way no matter what you did, then what would you do?

This provides a sense of YOUR authenticity... for me being authentic doesn't usually include jam, but that's me. It's possible that for you, authenticity does include some toppings... and if so, then the answer to the above question will shed some light on the situation either way for you on how to act in alignment with your own sense of authenticity.

[TektonikShift]

By the way, I forgot to mention that Messenger or e-mail is the only way I can contact her again since she went to study abroad... which is another reason I have this fear that she might react skeptically since she cannot see my body language.

I could try contacting her via Messenger... these are the outcomes...

Scenario 1
I:"Hi! How are you?"
She:"..." (doesn't answer)
I:"Why aren't you talking to me?"
She blocks me.

Scenario 2
I:"Long time no see"
She:"..." (doesn't answer)
I:"I finally understood what happened, and I would like to apologize"
She blocks me.

Scenario 3
I:"What is the distance between your left eyebrow and your lips?"
She:"What?!"
I:"There! You're talking to me!"
She:"Looser..."
She blocks me.

[JimOfferman]

How about this scenario:

You: Hi!
She: Hey!
You: How are you?
She: I'm fine, thank you. You?
You: Perfect, thanks!
...

Try not to make your apology the second or third thing you type... it could be the twentieth thing, though. I.e. only bring it up once you have had a decent conversation, so you'll know she is paying attention to what you're saying and wants to listen to you.

[eydimork]

Originally Posted by TektonikShift

I could try contacting her via Messenger... these are the outcomes...

Scenario 1
I:"Hi! How are you?"
She:"..." (doesn't answer)
I:"Why aren't you talking to me?"
She blocks me.

Good on you for realising your wrongs and wanting to move on!

But, if your "little mistakes of attitude" are grave enough that she blocks any attempt of yours to contact her, then perhaps you should cut your losses and accept that you will lie in the bed you have made. Go on with your life and leave this girl alone.

If she is not ready to forgive you, then you have no place asking for an apology. An apology is not about giving you the moral right of a redeemer. That's what your future life is about. Also, an apology is not about you. It's never about you. It's definitely NOT about what you want ("What I truly want deep inside is to at least get her respect and friendship"). And, if you're "ready to trade-off [your] authenticity in case another way might be better to achieve the main goal" it's not an apology. Forgiving you is not something she'll ever do for you, it's something she'll do for herself, and an apology from you should at best be for her sake when she's ready to heal herself.

[Chris Cade]

Don't do it via IM in this case... do it through an email.

Write the email. Save it. Wait a day. Re-read and re-edit the email. Do this for a couple of days until you feel confident the email comes across in a way that reflects what you want to say in an authentic and effective way.

I would suggest you really do not do it via IM if you can avoid that for many reasons...

1) Email lets you get out what you need to say without interruption or distraction

2) She can open it and read it when *she* wants to... on her time, and not on yours. That way if she needs to be in a certain kind of mental / emotional state to be ready for your email, she can prepare for it.

3) She can reflect on your words without the pressure of having to immediately respond. This will allow her to respond more authentically.

There's a lot more reasons... but that's 3 good ones for now.

[TektonikShift]

I think I'm going for the e-mail.

Gosh... I'm having nightmares. This morning, I woke up after the following dream:
I'm surfing on this forum and I see her as "online" (even if she's not on this forum in reality). I become courageous and send her a Private Message, saying "Hi! Long time no see!". After a few minutes, she answers:"Oh, what makes you talk to me now?"
I:"Just wanted to check out how you are doing."
A few minutes later, a new PM (subject:"Listen..."):"Look... when I... in my life... take decisions... in my life.. they are final... I..."
And the tone of the first words hurt me so much that I couldn't read the rest and immediately woke up.

I think my subconscious is still suffering from the shock due to our last real conversation. She started attacking me suddenly, unexpectedly, finding something wrong in everything I said, giving me the impression that whatever I would say she would use it to find a reason to accuse me and create distance between us.

I was very hurt by that...

...

EDIT: Should I wait a few more months of NC before sending her the letter?