A brutal rejection to brighten up your day

[Riddle]

I started to like this girl at work who I have known for about 6 months. She is 20 and listed as single (I’m 21). We flirted together and I enjoyed our interactions at work, although she was a bit shy (which I found endearing). Overall I considered her to be a nice, caring, reasonably intelligent and mature person. I also (stupidly) considered her to be one of my closest colleagues.

Anyway, after a few weeks of putting it off I decided to ask her out. This took quite a bit of courage on my part, since I am not yet 100% comfortable at doing this and I would have to work with her whatever the outcome.

So I went into work with the intention of asking her out and a belief that she liked me back. After I had spoken to her a few times I decided it was now or never, and so after I had finished my sentence I just blurted out “BTW, would you like to hang out some time?” This was incoherent with the rest of the conversation but I managed to stay calm about it. She looked pretty shocked and after a brief pause replied “err yeah... maybe.” I quickly added “just for a drink or movie, whenever you’re free.” She said “yeah, I’ll talk to you about it later after work.” However, her lack of enthusiasm was clear and she avoided my glance for the rest of the day.

At the end of the day when everyone was signing out she still wouldn’t look at me properly, and then as we all walked out the door she literally started sprinting as fast as she could towards her car (giggling at the same time). I was pretty shocked by this and I felt humiliated by her lack of concern for my feelings. I considered her a friend at least, but she didn’t even give me the consideration of a random stranger. A slap in the face would have been more compassionate.

I feel like I have been freed from a 6 month delusion, but now I doubt my ability to accurately judge anyone’s character and I feel like a complete idiot with zero social intelligence. But at least I had the courage to consciously go after something I wanted, instead of taking the easy (albeit dignified) less conscious route of inaction.

[Corey]

That sucks. She COULD'VE had the common courtesy to at least quietly turn you down. In a way, this is why inaction would've benefitted you =/

[RT Wolf]

"I feel like I have been freed from a 6 month delusion, but now I doubt my ability to accurately judge anyone’s character and I feel like a complete idiot with zero social intelligence."

Don't worry about it, mate. We've all been there, so don't worry about doubting your ability to judge women. I will tell you this: some women do communicate in a flirtatious way and then get suprised when men show interested. This gets you off the hook a bit cuase maybe that's just the way she does it. Some women do flirt out of boredom.

Secondly, men are much more likely to mistake friendliness or courtesy for sexual interest. In addition, we tend to like what we've been exposed to a whole lot, so you can fall for women you've known for a long time without there being much chemistry. So, anytime you feel like you're falling for someone you've known as a friend, don't. Anytime you think a woman is interested in you, take that down maybe two notches for "windage" to get a more accurate estimate. Like how if my gf says she'll be here in an hour, I mentally go, "right, she'll be here in two hours".

Thirdly, the friend zone is real. :/

Fourth, more practice'll help you. Some more knowledge will, too, whether from PUA community, studying women or just negotiating. Always leave some sort of fallback position for the other person to go for in case they don't like your offer while still saving face for both of you. And said a bit more casually helps.

"But at least I had the courage to consciously go after something I wanted, instead of taking the easy (albeit dignified) less conscious route of inaction."

Damn straight! Good for you! Keep at it! Good luck!

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

Always leave some sort of fallback position for the other person to go for in case they don't like your offer while still saving face for both of you.

Thanks, how could I have done this better?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by RT Wolf

Thirdly, the friend zone is real. :/

Only if you believe it is.

[LordSappington]

Originally Posted by Riddle

Thanks, how could I have done this better?

I don't think you could've. You did everything right and got burned. If you liked her but misinterpreted her interest, then you still should've asked her out because it's hard to interpret a woman's interest properly, especially when often times she doesn't even know what's going on. She should've politely declined. She didn't, and that's her problem, and not yours. At least you got a funny story out of it.

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

At least you got a funny story out of it.

Yeah it is kind of funny. I thought this only happened in teenage comedy flicks.

[RT Wolf]

Riddle, well, a fallback position is made easier by saying it casually but not as if you're not asking her out. You've admitted it was a little awkwardly put in and you'll get better at that. Since you've been talking to her, maybe you know a bit about her so you coulda asked her casually, "listen, this movie's comin out and I know you wanted to see it. Would you like to see it together on friday?" Alternatively, "would you like to have a drink or coffee on friday after work". It's almost less what you say and how you say it. I prefer specificity in your offer (ie friday, monday at 5, etc), cause then they can go "oh I'm busy that day" gracefully rather than having to admit they're not interested in you. If they're enthusiastic, they may then add "i'm busy but how about monday?" or you can ask them that. Honestly, hard to put into words cause this is pretty much an implicit skill. I'm sure PUA folk are better at putting this sorta thing into words cause they're teaching it.

JimOfferman, you are correct. I know at least two guys who have such consumate social skills that they have been able to walk out of the friend zone. I'm just not good enough to do that yet.

Actually, that's an interesting ponit you've made, LordSappington. "We" guys tend to assume that the women get it all figured out and that they just have to say yes and make us so very happy and its crushing when its a no. But they really don't. I know a number of girls who get weirded out by attention from guys. Some of them (quite pretty) don't know how to handle advances from a guy or how to flirt. And yea, while women tend to have superior social skills (ie being able to handle different social situations) she's prolly learned a bit from this, too. She's prolly not been skipping eye contact cause she doesn't like you, she prolly can't handle this situation and she feels awkward about not being able to handle it. It's not all about you, Riddle.

Seriously though, you're handling this splendidly with great humour. Good for you, Riddle.

You know, I've been thinking about how we find customers and how we look for partners. A lot of us do "cold calling" on random people in the bar or wherever. "Warm leads" are better, obviously. A referral or reference makes it better. A trust-inducing environment like a party thrown by a shared friend is a better setting. It's amusing to me.

[ellie]

Hmmm ok, not all is necessarily lost. I have to admit I have reacted like this girl in the past (when I was much younger) and basically it was because I was scared.

What I would of loved...was the guy to come back and sort of relax the whole situation (I know, I know). I know I've wanted to go back to the guy and just straighten the whole thing out, but I was too chicken - he he!

I would of liked to say "hey, sorry you just caught me off guard and I just needed some time to digest what you said. I'm not very good at this whole dating thing...bla..blah, can we start again and just out for coffee as friends and see how we go".

I'm not exactly sure what you should say to relax the situation, but something quite simple.

[Corey]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Only if you believe it is.

Well obviously it is if the girl in question just wants to be friends.

[lisamelinda]

as indicated above, she probably just got nervous and didn't know how to deal with the situation (hence the furious giggling). I would say just forget her, and go for someone more mature (not necessarily age based). She should try smooth things out (as a friend), even with an email or something.

[openeyes]

If you're bothered by a single rejection, the best thing to do may be to go out and be rejected at least 10 more times today. After that, you likely won't feel nearly as bad

In the past I found it much easier to call five girls in a row setting up dates, with some accepting, some not, than to fixate on one for any length of time, build her up in my mind, and then ask her (and only her) out. As soon as a girl seems to fit your criteria (if not before, for practice) ask her out. If she says no, thank her and move on.

Whenever a date would finish, being in a good mood, I'd immediately start the next round of calls, setting up dates with other people (I was seeing 2-3 people per day at the time). For the past year I've happily been with one lovely girl. I feel much more comfortable/confident with her than I would have had I not had much experience before. Many girls in the past have said they like being with me because they feel comfortable doing only what they want, with it being perfectly fine to say no to what they don't.

[Lauxa]

Originally Posted by Riddle

At the end of the day when everyone was signing out she still wouldn’t look at me properly, and then as we all walked out the door she literally started sprinting as fast as she could towards her car (giggling at the same time). I was pretty shocked by this and I felt humiliated by her lack of concern for my feelings. I considered her a friend at least, but she didn’t even give me the consideration of a random stranger. A slap in the face would have been more compassionate.

Like others have said, it's not about you it's about her. She felt awkward and uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle the situation. Try having a little compassion for her, if that's even possible right now.

If you're not sure how to handle the aftermath, maybe this post would help you.

[lisamelinda]

true, i feel bad as i wonder how she felt now. i was also thinking that getting rejected by someone who doesn't really know you isn't so bad. it's much worse when that person knows everything about you and then decides they don't love you

[Mjbrookerjr]

You said, that you only thought things like that happened in teenage movies, you said she's 20, she's just fresh out of teen! I wouldn't worry about it. What did you lose? I'm kind of going through the same thing! Just try others

[The Cloud]

She certainly left no room for ambiguity! It would have been more cruel of her to have gone ahead with the date. Personally, I would prefer the sprint to a stammering explanation of how she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but isn't interested in me in that way, all the while trying to pretend that she cares about my feelings and wants a farcical friendship. You should probably thank her next time you see her.

At least you now have 1 social intelligence, instead of 0 .

[Riddle]

Thanks for all the replys, I found all your insights very helpful.

Final thought:

I made a misjudgment and then became emotionally attached to that misjudgment. Thankfully I am now free from my illusion. And although it hurt at the time, in hindsight I feel thankful that I escaped an obvious mismatch. It is refreshing (and humbling) to know that I can be completely wrong about things, as I was getting a bit too comfortable in my convictions. People are much more complex than my surface beliefs entail. I choose to see this as an opportunity for positive growth.

[INF3CT0R]

Originally Posted by Mjbrookerjr

You said, that you only thought things like that happened in teenage movies, you said she's 20, she's just fresh out of teen! I wouldn't worry about it. What did you lose? I'm kind of going through the same thing! Just try others

going through the same thing with who?

[estudiant9]

I made a misjudgment and then became emotionally attached to that misjudgment. Thankfully I am now free from my illusion. And although it hurt at the time, in hindsight I feel thankful that I escaped an obvious mismatch. It is refreshing (and humbling) to know that I can be completely wrong about things, as I was getting a bit too comfortable in my convictions. People are much more complex than my surface beliefs entail. I choose to see this as an opportunity for positive growth.

Very well said. One of the most fundamental yet hardest to learn lessons in life seems to be, "Appearance is not reality."

[shy talk]

Hey Riddle,

As has been said, we've all been there!

I had a really nasty brutal rejection many years ago from a girl I thought really liked and appreciatedme and my company.

I got quite down about it. The my Mother, (also once a girl!) said, "Son, she is after all, just another girl"

Quite profound if you read it a few times.

[dice]

Sprinting and giggling?

Don't spend anymore thoughts on that pidgeon-brained rudeness.

Do you guys ever wish that the girl did the asking out? Or is the 'traditional' way better?

[DerekH]

'Rejection' happens all the time when you're actively pursuing women.

I've got quite a few stories that are a lot worse then yours. Keep smiling

[Riddle]

Just an update:

I don't speak to that girl anymore lol, not because I am rude, but because she ignores me and even insults me to her friends. She even went to the trouble of changing her facebook status to 'in a relationship', which I know for a fact is a lie.

Being rejected I can take, but to be defamed for merely asking someone out, wtf?

I just don't get her mentality? She is 20 years old and acts like this, I can't believe it. I feel like I'm back in the playground. Also, she wasn't even my type physically, but I thought she was a nice person inside. Now I can't stand her, I only see immaturity.

[LordSappington]

Unfortunately, some women (and men too) will act like that no matter how old they are. Don't take it personally: it's her immaturity, not yours. If you meet her, treat her politely as if nothing happened.

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by LordSappington

Unfortunately, some women (and men too) will act like that no matter how old they are. Don't take it personally: it's her immaturity, not yours. If you meet her, treat her politely as if nothing happened.

I do, but I deplore her conduct towards me.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by Riddle

Just an update:

I don't speak to that girl anymore lol, not because I am rude, but because she ignores me and even insults me to her friends. She even went to the trouble of changing her facebook status to 'in a relationship', which I know for a fact is a lie.

Being rejected I can take, but to be defamed for merely asking someone out, wtf?

I just don't get her mentality? She is 20 years old and acts like this, I can't believe it. I feel like I'm back in the playground. Also, she wasn't even my type physically, but I thought she was a nice person inside. Now I can't stand her, I only see immaturity.

Maybe you should tell her in a confident, self-assured manner, to grow-up and stop being so immature and that you were totally put-off by the way she handled things and tell her she did you a big favour in acting in such a way, because it helped you see the light!

I think this would be a good exercise in standing up for yourself. It will help with your confidence and ability not to be trodden on in the future.

[handle]

Hi Riddle,

It goes both ways. Personally I think being direct is the best way to go. It's always good to know exactly where you stand & if you like someone & you are both free then by all means seize the opportunity to put yourself out there. You will never know what could have been if you never try.

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by handle

Hi Riddle,

It goes both ways. Personally I think being direct is the best way to go. It's always good to know exactly where you stand & if you like someone & you are both free then by all means seize the opportunity to put yourself out there. You will never know what could have been if you never try.

Huh? I did try lol, she thankfully turned me down. I only feel ashamed that I wasted my time on her sorry ass.

[Riddle]

Originally Posted by ellie

I think this would be a good exercise in standing up for yourself. It will help with your confidence and ability not to be trodden on in the future.

Who says I don't stand up for myself? However, I have to work with her and I don't want to have a full blown argument at work (it's not worth it). I think it is best if I don't react to her rudeness instead of letting my maturity slip down to her level. I know I have behaved with virtue in this situation, so I don't care what others think. She is the one with the problem at the end of the day. I feel sorry for her, since the way she's dealt with this situation must have made a dent in her conscience, if she has one.