I cant hold a conversation

[ultimate]

I can go upto and talk with women easily but cannot hold a conversation.

Its not just with women even with men, although sometimes I can but I think its more them than me.

I would like to expand my social life and meet women who are interested in me. Do you think I would need to learn how to hold a conversation?

Does it matter if im 5ft6 and am slim - (9 an a half stones - 61kg's - 133pounds)

[David365]

The simplest way of learning to hold a conversation is to be genuinely interested in the person you are talking to and listen to what they say. If you are worried about yourself and just trying to think of what to say next (rather than listening) then any conversation will falter.

[David365]

Originally Posted by ultimate

Does it matter if im 5ft6 and am slim - (9 an a half stones - 61kg's - 133pounds)

Why should it? Dwarfs hold conversations.

[Magicinthenight]

Originally Posted by David365

The simplest way of learning to hold a conversation is to be genuinely interested in the person you are talking to and listen to what they say. If you are worried about yourself and just trying to think of what to say next (rather than listening) then any conversation will falter.

Very true.

Also, it's an age old truth: most people love talking about themselves. So if you're feeling nervous, just ask a lot of questions, listen to their answers carefully and take it from there/ask them about something else.

[LordSappington]

I'm 5'5", and I can hold a conversation with some women. I weigh a bit more, at 145 lb. While there's nothing you can do about your height, if it concerns you about your weight, do what I did and hit the gym to put some weight on. It will boost your self esteem and make you look better and feel better.

I'm going to disagree with this whole, "Talk to other people about them" advice. It works alright for maybe 5-10 minutes, when you go through the basics: "So, what do you do? Where did you grow up? What do you do for fun?" After a while, it feels like a game of 20 questions with you giving very little back. Most people I've met do not actually like talking about themselves in the way that I initially thought about. Many of them don't even ask the appropriate question back, "Oh, I'm an accountant. What do you do?" I'm not saying this advice is bad, but there is a tremendous amount of stuff people neglect to mention that is involved, most likely because, for them, it's all unconscious.

You have to identify something in them that they get really excited about. This is not likely to be the basic questions about them; you have to delve a bit deeper into their passions. This can be very hard to do because many people are resistant to opening up like that. The key is that you have to get them interested in you. One easy way of doing this is showing true interest in them like other said, but this is not enough. They have to view you as a fun and interesting person as well so the conversation becomes two-way other than you just pestering them.

I've found that the best way to do this is stories. Think about your life. Think about something interesting you did or read or saw. Now write down that story. I read a lot about a wide number of topics and can often pull out random anecdotes about anything (I once had a long conversation with a plant biologist about bananas... I had just read a long article about the history of the banana). You also have to fill your life with interesting things. If you like cooking, cook a lot and experiment. If you hate dancing, go dancing to experience something new.

When you've done all of that, you will become an "interesting person" and will find conversation much easier. This is not easy to do. It requires a lot of hard work, and it's frustrating to see so many people do it naturally.

For now, I recommend that you find a bunch of canned stories. Think about the last 5 women that you met. Think about something they said that you can relate to. For example, maybe she's an accountant, and maybe you had an amusing run in with the IRS. Maybe she likes horses, and maybe you got into a debate with a friend over the silliest horse name. Write those down. And use them. At the end, say something like, "Have you ever had something like that happen to you?" or "What do you think?"

If you meet someone new and don't have a story available, then do your best without it and then think of one when you go home. At the end, you will be full of all sorts of interesting things to say. Really, these are just tricks to get her talking. Once she's talking, your true conversational skills kick in, but I've found that most people who are "shy" can open up pretty well in a truly engaging conversation. Sometimes, conversations start dying. In this case, just abruptly change the topic and tell your favorite story. If she still doesn't respond, politely leave the conversation... she's just not interested. Don't take it personally; she may be in a bad mood or she may just be a boring, self-centered person.

Finally, practice, practice, practice on everyone. Men, women, children, whatever. If you hit one a day, in a year, you will have 365 stories to tell and you can talk to pretty much anyone.

[cacheborn]

I am dealing with the same problem. you have to do is listen to what they are saying carefully and make appropriate adjustments. Just asking them question after question may not work every time. Maintaing a good eye contact with smile also helps.

[ultimate]

on the height and weight, I meant to ask does being 5ft6 and slim mean that less women are attracted in me?

yeah I guess if someone is interested in me and I was asking questions then they would probably roll with things.

What do women go for in a man? I seem to be confident so it cant be that! (if I can approach and start a convo I must be right?)

[LordSappington]

Originally Posted by ultimate

on the height and weight, I meant to ask does being 5ft6 and slim mean that less women are attracted in me?

In terms of the height, it doesn't matter. There's not a damn thing you can do to make yourself taller. If a beautiful 5' 8" girl looks down on you for being shorter and refuses to give you the time of day, there's not much you can do with it. If you're not happy about being slim, then change it. Otherwise, see my comment above. Your should develop your physical body to maximize your health, your fitness, your confidence, and your attractiveness as judged by you. If you're confident with your body at 5'6", you'll come off much better than if you were not confident at 6'2".

[carnelian heart]

Is there anything that might be subconsciously holding you back from going into a conversation? Like, are you afraid of commitment or afraid of sex or anything?

It might help to be in the present moment, also, and if you're a really internal person, to go more external. Ask questions. Notice responses. Say "me too," and add to her response. Be genuine. Tell stories. Share. The worst that can happen is the conversation falls apart and you can start over with someone more like you. Keep trying.

[ultimate]

thanks all

LordSappington - that makes sense

carnelian heart - great question! maybe there is. I guess im ok starting a conversation (more of an introduction actually)

Afterwards though, maybe I don't have much to say?
I started to try saying different things but maybe I end up thinking they are not interested in talking.

Saying that I am sure some women were interested in getting to know me better, (maybe some were just friendly). Even then maybe I am scared of taking things further. I might be just uncomfortable with an unfamiliar situation.

If I think a woman likes me im still unsure what to do as they may just being friendly. (if I could have some pointers would be cool) I probably am scared of commitment too and would like to have more fun and experience to get familiar with the opposite sex if that makes sense!

I would like to try different things tho (with communicating with women) as I have not had much of a life with the opposite sex (and would like to change things for the better)

How does this all sound to you?

[ckeener]

Even though all the points covered here, let me add this. You just have to relax, you are all like what do I say now worrying and all that just take it easy and go with the flow. Be confident, and it shows in your talks. Asking someone you're in a conversation with about their own thoughts, experiences, opinions, etc. can go a long way towards making that person feel like you're really interested in them (whether it's true or not) and that you actually care, rather than just wanting to talk about yourself. Takes a while to get the hang of, but works really well in my experience. According to an opinion research one should pay attention to these ‘to speak in conversations or react to situations productively, listen to others for meaning & feeling.’ All the very best.

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by ultimate

I can go upto and talk with women easily
but cannot hold a conversation.

not to worry, nobody can hold a conversation

You just do, like you did here: You start talking, & then you listen... for feedback.
And then, you feed-back...; and so forth. Fun piece of Cake!, really