Seeing the other side of the Neediness Bug

[SupersecretIdentity]

I've found myself in an interesting position that I didn't ever expect to happen; funny how life works that way. A year ago I was in my first real relationship with a girl I was infatuated with. We got along great, but eventually ended it mainly due to conflicting differences: I wanted to spend more time with her than we were, she wanted more time to do her thing. In hindsight, I would say that I was a little needy and was expecting her to fulfill my happiness, so I worked on my own self esteem.

Fast forward a year, I'm now quite independent and in a long distance relationship. This girl is smart, witty, has a very compatible sense of humor to mine. We don't fight, we are both physically compatible. She is financially successful and we split costs well. We deal with the distance by frequent (usually twice a month, but weekend-long) visits, and daily phone calls which we are able to talk about all sorts of things easily. Basically, everything seems great. Except I'm not sure if I'm feeling it anymore.

We've been dating for around 3-4 months, and I was totally into it at first, eager to text/call as much as anyone. However, I've found myself less interested in communicating, which I'm sure is probably pretty normal once you get over the honeymoon phase, yet she has stepped it up. I am usually unable to call her due to the logistics of our schedule, she usually ends up calling me at night. I used to be thrilled to talk to her but now its starting to become almost a chore because she will often call twice or more a day, and often the phone conversations last quite a while. I do my best to be understanding and make sacrifices on my part, but it's frustrating because my evening is often fragmented due to the multiple calls. The multiple calls isn't really her fault, as she often has to get off the phone with basically no warning, and calls to continue the conversation. However, this does considerably complicate my evening when I really just want to unwind in my introverted glory.

To be fair, I haven't told her (yet) that it has been bothering me to have these multiple conversations. I'm trying to do my part to compromise because I know it's important to her. However, it bothers me that talking is starting to become a chore/sacrifice rather than something I really look forward to. This brings it back to the neediness from a year ago. It seems to me that she wants more and more communication, which I am really enjoying my independence. The distance doesn't bother me that much and I am totally fine with the frequency of our visits. One of the reasons I haven't said anything is that I'm not sure if it's just the excessive communication that is bugging me, or if I've just lost the spark.

To further complicate manners, she is absolutely smitten and has done nothing wrong, so I am really trying to approach this delicately to not hurt her. She plans trips out to visit me far in advance, so there is both an emotional and economic investment that would be on the line if we were to break up. She is going to be moving out here in a couple of months and is actually going to be out here in a week. I can't decide what I want to do or how to go about doing it.

My heart sometimes tells me that I'm not feeling it, but its a chicken-or-the-egg issue as to weather the phone call reaction is a symptom or a cause. It's also very difficult to justify ending a relationship with someone who is amazing and I have no substantial reason for doing so. I don't know if I can trust my emotions on this one, or if I'm just in a rotten head space from recent events (extremely stressful last month or two with school, dog dying, other stuff)

What this all boils down to, is I see myself in the shoes of my ex girlfriend. At the time I could not understand where she was coming from, but I now feel a lot of the same things she did. It's hard to believe that in such a short time I'm facing the same issue from the other side of the fence.

P.S. A detail I forgot to include regarding the phone issue (which seems to be pretty central): There are times where I really do look forward to calling her and sharing something. The thing is, she almost always calls me before I get to build this anticipation up. As a result, I never get to experience the feeling of being excited because she always beats me to the punch. I'm not sure what that is, but it definitely seems to exist. I would be interested in trying to see what reducing the frequency of phone calls would do, but I also wonder if a) she could handle that b) If I need less contact, is it a bad thing?

[lifetimelearner]

are you dating my sister?

[SupersecretIdentity]

No you're in the wrong state.

As an update, she just called me from work and as usual, we had a very pleasant phone conversation, she's easy to talk to, but she promised to "call back later." I don't really know how to approach this issue, especially since I have no real justification for not wanting to talk other than wanting to do my own thing.

[Lauxa]

I don't know if this will help you at all but...

Get a phone with a headphone jack, plug in some headphones, and do your housework while the two of you are talking. Then you can hang out with her while you're doing your dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing toilets, dusting, etc, etc and it won't feel like such a sacrifice because at the end of the conversation you'll look around and see your sparkling clean living space. I love to multitask my phone calls whenever possible, and low-key talk-often conversations are the best for this type of thing.

[SupersecretIdentity]

OK I did some more thinking on this one and I've come up with a more concise way of describing what's bugging me, which coincidentally was the same problem I had a year ago.

Sometimes I get the feeling that my girlfriend doesn't have, or at least has given up a life of her own.

It's great to have someone care about you, it's great to have them want to be around you, but it's maddening to have to BE their life. There is plenty of stuff that we do together, and have fun, but it seems like it's always stuff that I end up picking to do. Outside of a few minor hobbies which she doesn't partake in all that often, I can't really think of what she does other than go to work and hang out with/talk to me. She recognizes that she is [much] clingier than I am, but I don't know how to go about pressing this issue to do something about it.

I definitely feel for her because this is EXACTLY where I was at before I got into PD and got my own life. I really want to bring out her best so she can enjoy her life and we can both enjoy and value our independence.

[JimOfferman]

I think you need to answer this question: how am I causing this behavior?

Right now, there is this unwritten contract between you and her that says it is okay for her to call you at work and then once again later at night. How about the next time she calls you at work, you ask her if instead of calling you again tonight, you can call her back tomorrow. If she asks you why, tell her that you love her very much but need to spend some time in your own head (or whatever you feel like you need to do - just don't lie about it). Of course, it is absolutely vital that you do call her back the next day!

By changing the pattern like this, you stop enabling her behavior of calling you twice on the same day. From there, you can work on making it normal for you guys to call each other every other day, etc.

Always remember that it takes two to tango!

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by SupersecretIdentity

No you're in the wrong state.

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I was just kidding anyway

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by SupersecretIdentity

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Sometimes I get the feeling that my girlfriend doesn't have, or at least has given up a life of her own.

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have you talked to her about this ?

[Magicinthenight]

Calling twice a day does sound like quite a lot. However, since you said her not living her life instead of focusing on your relationship bugs you more, I'll try to address that issue.

I don't think you can make her change but what you can do is to keep living your life. That might mean not always being available to talk (for example when you're at work, it's perfectly ok to say you're busy and tell her you'll call her back at a better time).

It might mean that even when she moves over, you won't spend all your time with her (and if she's expecting this, you should let her know sooner rather than later that it's not realistic). Talk with her so she knows that you will still have other things you want to do and ask her what she wants to do on her free time. Encourage her to have her own things to do, you can even share your own story to let her know how important it is to have life outside the relationship.

As you know, communication is key (not the amount of it, though, but the quality).

[SimonaRich]

You are not happy with your girlfriend and although it might sound selfish, you need to find someone who is not so needy.

You were needy before but you learnt from your mistakes. Your girlfriend will only learn to become independent and self-confident if you let her know about this negative trait she has.

Splitting up is hard, but it will benefit both of you. If you remain together, you will both be unhappy.

Neediness is a sad emotion to have. Your girlfriend cannot possibly be very happy if she is needy. Do you see where I'm coming from?