Physical/SEXual Attraction. Is it Important?

[Corey]

Corey, I'm sorry for giving you that comment that you though was ignorant. You mentioned to me that it's not important to you so I went off in that rant.

Its ok

I knew it wasn't important to you because of something more. Now that we have established that you stopped trying because of your "shyness". So it's not that it's not important to you, you feel like you've failed in a way?

Yeah, I see myself as a social failure.

Am I right?

That you are.

If so, how about I and the other users talk about how we can help you overcome that shyness? Fair enough?

That would be cool. Though I'm not sure how thats gonna end because I dont trust people very well and absolutely hate myself because of my shyness and lacking confidence with girls.

[ajkumar]

Corey,

We can do this privately if you'd like but would you be able to tell us if there was an event that happened to you in the past to make you feel not confident about yourself now?


Were you always this way? Exactly why do you see yourself as shy?

[ajkumar]

Corey


read this:


Condition Yourself for Success | Persuasive.net

I use to be shy, very shy

[Corey]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

Corey,

We can do this privately if you'd like but would you be able to tell us if there was an event that happened to you in the past to make you feel not confident about yourself now?


Were you always this way? Exactly why do you see yourself as shy?

Namely after I got out of high school. Back in my senior year, I was getting numbers left, right, and centre.....but after I got out of school, I just got too shy to ask for numbers or esculate situations (well, for the most part at least) with girls.

[Maja]

When I think back the best sex I had was with a man that I didn't find physically attractive at first at all. But as our friendship grew, the closer we got emotionally the stronger the attraction grew too. After a month or so we couldn't keep our hands of each other and we would have hot sex very many times a day for nearly a year. We were on a scholarship in the US. And not very young at the time!

As for the importance of sex in a romantic relationship - I think it is very important.

[ajkumar]

Originally Posted by Corey

Namely after I got out of high school. Back in my senior year, I was getting numbers left, right, and centre.....but after I got out of school, I just got too shy to ask for numbers or esculate situations (well, for the most part at least) with girls.

Corey,

It sounds like to me your leaving something out. You use to get numbers left and right...and CENTRE! and then after all of a sudden you got shy?


What happened in between? Why do you consider yourself shy? don't say it just happend, re-live that moment in time and tell me what happened in between of getting numbers and not.

[Wombels]

Polyamory will become more socially trendy in years to come, while evolve to standard practices later on.

More and more individuals are tuning into it, especially those who don’t carry fear or guild inside their lives, the sane in the brain so to speak…lol

Greets Wombels

[Corey]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

Corey,

It sounds like to me your leaving something out. You use to get numbers left and right...and CENTRE! and then after all of a sudden you got shy?


What happened in between? Why do you consider yourself shy? don't say it just happend, re-live that moment in time and tell me what happened in between of getting numbers and not.

I think its because after I graduated I was put out into society where I wouldn't see the same person every day (unlike when I was in school) so I wouldn't get to know them (as compared to seeing the same person every day and then getting their number when I felt the time is right). Therefore there is the reason. I think I've said this before, but I've given up basically with girls. Pretty much like this since 17 (grad. '04) and the only way I've gotten in a relationship (even prior to, actually, I was pretty shy in school though not as bad as now) was through the girl asking. I THINK I've only gotten one number throughout the 4 years of drinking I've done (18 til now) so I'm not that great socially even when drunk. So yeah, I think I've got good reason to not bother anymore.

[Michael Chui]

Corey, that's not shyness. That's laziness.

[Corey]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Corey, that's not shyness. That's laziness.

No.....it isn't laziness. I was just fine in school because like I said, I could get comfortable around them after getting to know them and then get their numbers when I had an idea that it wouldn't be an issue (meaning I could open up around them better and NOT be shy) but after I got out of school......it changed a lot and I just became shy. Sooooo yeah my shyness is the reason I gave up. Why have hope after all this time anyway with the running record of mine?

[Michael Chui]

As you will. ajkumar seems more interested in making suggestions.

[ajkumar]

Originally Posted by Corey

No.....it isn't laziness. I was just fine in school because like I said, I could get comfortable around them after getting to know them and then get their numbers when I had an idea that it wouldn't be an issue (meaning I could open up around them better and NOT be shy) but after I got out of school......it changed a lot and I just became shy. Sooooo yeah my shyness is the reason I gave up. Why have hope after all this time anyway with the running record of mine?

Corey,

people are shy because of something. I was shy because I was called shy as a child so I would sometimes even stutter when I spoke. I was also not happy with my look because I was a chubby kid.

So why EXACTLY are you shy? there has to be a reason, your not just shy because if you were just shy, you can instantly change that to super SOcial...
you get what i mean?

[Corey]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

Corey,

people are shy because of something. I was shy because I was called shy as a child so I would sometimes even stutter when I spoke. I was also not happy with my look because I was a chubby kid.

So why EXACTLY are you shy? there has to be a reason, your not just shy because if you were just shy, you can instantly change that to super SOcial...
you get what i mean?

Shy more or less as in fear of getting turned down. That and I've also been a loner a good portion of my life (this has been stated about me when I was much much younger as in pre-junior high school) so I'm also not good with people for the most part.

[ajkumar]

Corey,

First, stop labeling yourself in that way. It does nothing to you. It makes you sound like you want pity. Just quit that out.

Second, if there was one thing that would convince you to go talk to girls right now, what would that be?

[Corey]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

Corey,

First, stop labeling yourself in that way. It does nothing to you. It makes you sound like you want pity. Just quit that out.

Second, if there was one thing that would convince you to go talk to girls right now, what would that be?

1: True, however I'm not out for pity though I can see where it could be viewed that way.

2: Not really sure at the moment......and if it were RIGHT NOW? Well, I'm at home drinking (the weather is like one big icebox out there).

...and 3: I'm also way to shy to esculate things sexually because I've got a massive case of fear of rejection.

[ajkumar]

Originally Posted by Corey

1: True, however I'm not out for pity though I can see where it could be viewed that way.

2: Not really sure at the moment......and if it were RIGHT NOW? Well, I'm at home drinking (the weather is like one big icebox out there).

...and 3: I'm also way to shy to esculate things sexually because I've got a massive case of fear of rejection.

Corey, has anything changed since this last comment?

Also, what are you afraid of? Fear of rejection is silly don't you think?


One more thing Corey, your signature says "..a sig is here i guess..."what's that about?

[justwanttobeme]

My ex boyfriend was SO like Corey.

He was a very good looking guy - but had no confidence/experience and was shy. I, on the otherhand, was the complete opposite - extroverted and confident (and experienced sexually). He was fine when he was with people he knews, but in situations where he had to meet new people, he wasn't the greatest conversationalist. I was the one to ask HIM to kiss me - because he was too shy to make the first move - 7 years later, we split up - because of sex. I really thought his confidence would grow over the years being with me (either through teaching me, or, trusting me), but it didn't. He never initiated sex, wouldn't try new things and it destroyed our r'ship in the end. I'm really worried for him because i think it will affect his future r'ships with women. He even agreed he can't go upto women and chat them up because he's frightened of rejection (he's a good looking guy) - but it's this whole confidence/shyness thing.

He had a 'normal' family upbringing - they weren't prude about sex - i just think socially, he's not very good at communicating with people whether that be verbally or physically. I feel sorry for corey (not being patronising by the way), but his shyness will be a massive obstacle in any r'ships he has - he really needs to try and find a way of overcoming this, he really does...

As for the post title - Physical/Sexual Attraction is HUGELY important IF, sex is important to you. For me, sex is the one physical thing that can bind you together in a special way - it's highly intimate and keeps the romance alive. The difficult point is though - whether sex can be sustainable over a 40 year period with the same person - I think it's quite rare, which is sad. So it's just a case of meeting that one person who is your soulmate. I think a physical r'ship like that is more successful over a certain age - say 35. You've both lived your lives by then, had experiences, and i think it's the perfect age to settle down and get married. In your 20's or early 30's is way too early if you ask me...

[magi13]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

Many of you have been commenting on Steve's decision to go into Polyamory and that he's only doing this because he doesn't find his wife SEXUALLY or physically Attractive.

I could not agree with you people more. I do believe that this is the reason why, however, this is and will always be our personal opinion, since Steve would never admit it


Anyway, what about you? I'm sure it's important is it? How important is it to you?

Sex is a bonus. ^^ It's not that important to me. Been there done that, you just have to control yourself. hehe.

If you are a shy person, take your time to discover yourself and the one you love.

I'm kind of old fashioned, I love having a wonderful time when I'm with my loved one and that's my main goal when I'm out with a loved one. Sex is just a bonus but not necessary.

It's the experience as a whole that makes everything worth it. If you want to just get laid, always prepare yourself mentally. Attachments can develop, and to say one person does not get attached, then that person is just one sad man or woman.

Never take a relationship for granted, but if it's just for sex, remember sooner or later your partner will eventually settle with someone who does not play around.

^,^

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

Many of you have been commenting on Steve's decision to go into Polyamory and that he's only doing this because he doesn't find his wife SEXUALLY or physically Attractive.

I could not agree with you people more. I do believe that this is the reason why, however, this is and will always be our personal opinion, since Steve would never admit it


Anyway, what about you? I'm sure it's important is it? How important is it to you?

I don't know what Erin looks like so I won't comment on that front. Besides, you assume what you find un-attractive is also what Steve finds un-attractive. I think you are over-simplifying the issue.

That said, I think it is important for a person to try their best to stay physically attractive, as we all know it enhances the sexual experience. Most (real) men will admit that sex with an attractive woman is awesome, but that that attractiveness alone is not enough to keep a relationship going long term. Or as my guy likes to say: "eventually we will all get old and ugly. Get used to it".

[ajkumar]

SEX isn't everything, I agree, but it is a major factor to whither or not a relationship survives....at least from my observations