Have you been blackmailed?

[ajkumar]

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which someone or directly or indirectly threatens to punish us if we don't do what they want. They use fear or guilt as a weapon and tactic. If they know we need money or security they threaten to take it away. They pressure to change your decision by extreme extreme negative consequences. The person then becomes scared and believes the threats of the blackmailers and then the blackmailer has full control of the relationship.
Some threats they use are:

Threaten to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.
Threaten to end the relationship
Threaten to tell your deepest darkest secrets
Threaten to find someone else
Threatens to hurt themselves or become depressed
Use money as a weapon to get their own way
Threaten that they will stop loving us
Threaten to take kids away
They label you as being selfish

The true reason they use this is because they fear they won’t get their way and they know they are losing the argument or relationship. I have noticed that most emotional blackmailers are extremely jealous and sometimes create visions of the other person cheating on them.
How would you respond to the respond to the other person's catastrophic threats?

AJ Kumar

[magi13]

this is a doubled edged post. ^^ you showed us what's it like at the same time gave ideas to people who will use this knowledge. ^^ be careful next time hehe.

Nice post.

[Plato]

Almost every Christian in history?

God, I'm going to burn.

[Chris Cade]

Yes I've been emotionally blackmailed in the past.

Sometimes it truly was for my own higher good... because I was being a stubborn and/or ignorant idiot. In those cases, although angry, I went along with it.

Sometimes, I didn't have the confidence to stand up for myself... so I went along with it to avoid the repercussions.

However, as I have now grown more confident and wiser, I have found an approach that is extremely effective in dealing with these situations.

1) Step away from the situation for a little while to think, reflect, feel, etc.
2) Return to the situation and acknowledge the person's feelings.
3) Present a solution which typically removes me from the situation.

This approach has proven to be very effective in my experience. A lot of times, people who use emotional blackmailing try to put us into an either-or situation. "If you do this, then I will make your life a living hell."

Things get a lot simpler when we remove ourselves from the situation. For example after a heated argument...

Boy: "If you go out with that guy "friend" of yours, then I'm going to break up with you and tell everybody that you're a lying cheater!"

Girl: "I'd like a few minutes to be alone and think about this." Girl goes away for a few minutes, then returns.

Girl: "I thought about what you've said, and I don't honestly think either of us want those things to happen that you've described. I've decided that I'm not going to go out with that guy today. It is clear that we have some differences we'll be unable to resolve, so instead I am going to go out and start looking for a new place to live."

(that's not the best example, and sure it probably has some holes in it... but it's the basic premise)

Generally speaking, when I respect the other person's concerns and then choose to act in a way that is empowering to both of us, the situation subsides one way or another in a way that is less confrontational.

This approach obviously won't work with all people... but it's very effective in forcing people to consider what they're actively choosing in their life. And in the times I've used this approach, usually the other person backs down on their threat and ends up also responding with a similar sense of compassion.

Sometimes all we need is to take a step back and allow some aspects of the situation to diffuse through compassion.

[Brutha]

A thread is only effective when it effects you.
If you can simply say "So?", the thread becomes useless.

Living in the moment and detachment from outcomes can help yourself to come into a state where you can say "So?".

You can also focus your attention on the large scale. Does it really matter in 30 years whether the other person makes their thread come through?

At the same time, don't forget to practice unconditional love.

[Trezker]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

Threaten that they will stop loving us

Now that is what I call an empty threat, because clearly a person who makes such a threat already does not love you...

How would I react to blackmail... Well, I'd like to say I'd reward it with a punch in the face, then expose the person as a blackmailer to the world. Put that bastard on everyones black list, don't worry about your own problem.

[robc]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which someone or directly or indirectly threatens to punish us if we don't do what they want. They use fear or guilt as a weapon and tactic. If they know we need money or security they threaten to take it away. They pressure to change your decision by extreme extreme negative consequences. The person then becomes scared and believes the threats of the blackmailers and then the blackmailer has full control of the relationship.
Some threats they use are:

Threaten to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.
Threaten to end the relationship
Threaten to tell your deepest darkest secrets
Threaten to find someone else
Threatens to hurt themselves or become depressed
Use money as a weapon to get their own way
Threaten that they will stop loving us
Threaten to take kids away
They label you as being selfish

The true reason they use this is because they fear they won’t get their way and they know they are losing the argument or relationship. I have noticed that most emotional blackmailers are extremely jealous and sometimes create visions of the other person cheating on them.
How would you respond to the respond to the other person's catastrophic threats?

AJ Kumar

If someone threatens to end a relationship with you, why would you want a relationship with that person. You would only want a relationship with that type of person if your self-esteem is so low or non-existent and you fear losing that person, that person knows this and takes advantage of this. If you loved yourself and respected yourself enough, you would set rules & boundaries for how people can treat you and if they step over the line, you set them straight or release them from your life. Sounds difficult in practice but the alternative is to continue being used/abused & hurt at the hands of someone you care for and hope that they would care for you back - hurting you/blackmailing you isn't caring for you.

Threatening to stop loving you, making things difficult for you, revealing your deepest secrets, using money as leverage, taking your kids away, finding someone else, etc.

Seriously if a person does these things to you, it's only because you let them.
Let them leave, offer for them to leave, stand up for yourself, grow a spine and finally set a rule in your life that you will not be treated so poorly by anyone. If you have kids and they witness that you allow this in your life, you are only teaching them to do the same when they get older (and it's guaranteed that this will happen, if you can't show them you love & respect yourself, how are they ever going to learn to do this for themselves? Think about it!)

Being selfish is just being honest, I want this in my life, I want these things in my life, I don't allow people to use & abuse me in my life, I have rules for how people treat me in my life - if you call that being selfish, then you can call me selfish because that's how I live my life.

Is it that you love this person that you accept this harsh treatment or is it because you are afraid of losing this person and never finding someone else to love you?

Once you become cognizant of the way life should be lived, that you should be happy by yourself and that no one can make you happy (they may add happiness but they can't make you happy), once you make it a rule to have lots of love & self-respect and value for yourself - you will attract the kind of people in your life that respect that as well.

If you never learn how important this really is, you will live a life where people run all over you and hurt you regularly and in the end, sad as it may be to say this, it is your fault because you have trained those people in your life to treat you disrespectfully. If you are afraid of losing such hurtful people, they will always exist in your life in some form and you will always be faced with these "blackmail" issues.