How to find peace and make everyone around me happy at the same time???

[loveliketheflowers]

So here is my dillema.....

Currently i have been seeing this one guy since summertime and we have had a lot of ups and lots of downs. I enjoy being around him and his company but his current situation is really affecting my life. When I first met him he was renting a room with a couple other guys. But when he lost his job, and was not able to pay rent anymore he was obviously kicked out. And since then he has not had a place to stay. He is unable to go home with his father because his step mother does not want him to stay there. So he has been sleeping outside or in motel rooms (that i purchase). We fight almost every other day, because of money issues and stress. He has a job now again, but has not reached his goal so he can afford apartment rent and deposit. I want to leave him, but I don't want to leave him all alone. We are kind of loners, and he would be all alone. And I do care about him and love him, but its so hard. And my family (grandparents, who i stay with) do not know what is going on at all or what I have been dealing with. Some nights I have to spend the night because my bf is so lonely and depressed and he kind of convinces me into staying. And my grandparents can not stand it. They hate when I spend the night, or am out at all. They are very over protective and religious. They just think I am a totally different person now. I don't want to hurt my grandparents but I don't want to leave someone who needs me out in the cold and alone. It was very hard on xmas when my bf was alone and in the rain outside and i had to leave my family on xmas to get him and into a room so he could be at least safe and warm.

i don't know what to do. I am so confused on what I should do. We had a huge fight yesterday about the future and how to work things out. I would like to get an apartment with him but i'm scared to do that and he is not able to keep with the rent payments. i think he will be able to but who knows... i love him, i enjoy being around him much, he makes me laugh lots....but i'm hurting my family alot because they want me home and to be okay. not sure what to do, or where this will go if it keeps on going this way. i don't want anything bad to happen to him though and it will be my fault. how did i get mixed up in this situation...please wait 1 second(s) for an uncompressed image, or press Ctrl+F5 for original quality page

[Holistic Star]

Just for a moment put everyone else's needs aside.

What do you want?



Also, surely there is somewhere between sleeping outside and sleeping in a motel. Are then any shelters, charities etc where you live?

[funchy]

Originally Posted by loveliketheflowers

I want to leave him, but I don't want to leave him all alone. We are kind of loners, and he would be all alone.

You have the instinct many of us women have : the urge to nurture and care for others. And sometimes we look for people with issues to date because then we can "save" them. We can "help" them. "And if they'd just make a few changes, they'd be so much happier". But it never works -- the reality is you cannot make him change. And staying with someone just because he needs saving is not good for anyone.

He is an adult and is making choices. If he is choosing to keep making bad choices, that's his problem not yours. And by swooping in to save him like a mama-bird, you're enabling his bad choices. Your own family is worried about you, and if they're seeing you change in a bad way, maybe for your own sake you need to get away from this.

Honestly, it's time to move on. You can leave him with the gift of help: he is depressed; find him the names/numbers of free mental health professionals (try your Dept of Health for leads). You can also get him the number of homeless shelters, work placement outreach, and anyone else. IMHO he needs to made amends with his parents and see if they'll shelter him temporarily.

[loveliketheflowers]

Originally Posted by funchy

Honestly, it's time to move on. You can leave him with the gift of help: he is depressed; find him the names/numbers of free mental health professionals (try your Dept of Health for leads). You can also get him the number of homeless shelters, work placement outreach, and anyone else. IMHO he needs to made amends with his parents and see if they'll shelter him temporarily.

I understand that i need to leave him asap but why do I feel this pain inside that i'm going to go through the worst heartache? I know you just roll your eyes, but I truly do care about this person. I feel like I have learned alot about myself and the world being with him and understand to be myself more. i would hate to lose his friendship, but i can't really afford to be with him. he makes me laugh, i enjoy listening to different types of music together, and exchanging book ideas we just read. I would hate to lose all of that, because of money and my family does not understand. i don't want to lose someone who is my "love". i don't want to feel the heartache either or be sad over it. i know its best to get away from him and ignore his calls but i don't want to think about him and where he might be, possibly outside in the cold sleeping on the balcony of a foreclosed condo in his dad's gated community and how hungry he might be and cold he might be. i feel so badly. i don't want to hurt someone i care about so much.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by loveliketheflowers

why do I feel this pain inside that i'm going to go through the worst heartache?

Because of this:

I truly do care about this person.

Next question: what would be the most caring thing to do for this person?

(a) Be his rescuer for the rest of his life
(b) Give him the chance to learn how to stand on his own to feet

You have twenty seconds before the buzzer...

[Holistic Star]

So what you are saying is that you would lose his love and friendship if you stop paying his rent?

Let me say that again. Your fear is that if you tell him that he has to pay his own way he won't love you any more.

Can you see where I'm going with this?

Is that really love? The pain you feel is because deep down you are facing up to this.

if he loves you, he will love you even if you don't pay for his lodgings.

[Jarrod]

At the moment it doesn't sound like you are very happy with how things are.

Consequently you can choose to stay unhappy as you are now or you choose to redirect your own life.

You can still lend him a helping hand, but sever the parts that are making you unhappy.

If you are fighting all the time I can't see that helping yourself much.

You know the situation better than us so you need to decide but it sounds like the relationship is not on the way up.

It is fine to care, but don't have the desire to help run you into the ground.