I want to drop a friend.

[lasti]

I want to stop having contact with a friend. She's pretty negative, our conversations are often draining. A few years ago we were pretty compatible and also very close but I have completely changed in the last year and now we're not compatible at all anymore. I don't see her very often as she lives more than 5 hours driving away from me.

So - how should I do this? Is it better to phone her or should I wait till I see her again (could last two months)? I'm pretty lame at phoning though. Should I maybe write her an email before that just in order to prepare her to have a "serious conversation"? I think she doesn't sense at all what's going on and I don't want to shock her too badly.

I've never been in this situation so I'm looking forward to the advice of you experienced people!

[tonytiger78]

why phone her? the fact you tell her I want to drop you will have her clinging to you a lot, besides there will be hard feelings. My tips is to slowly disappear and start losing touch, sooner or later you will see how everything fits into place for everyone, that is what I have sometimes before.

Regards
Tony

[lasti]

Originally Posted by tonytiger78

why phone her? the fact you tell her I want to drop you will have her clinging to you a lot, besides there will be hard feelings. My tips is to slowly disappear and start losing touch, sooner or later you will see how everything fits into place for everyone, that is what I have sometimes before.

Regards
Tony

Thanks Tony!
The thing is: I'm already letting the relationship slide for months. She's the one who calls me all the time. And yeah, there will be hard feelings. She's been very clinging to a friend who left her too (she's been talking about nothing else for the last six months). She even told me she wants to make him feel bad because he did that to her...

[tintin]

*tintin gets the heebie-jeebies*
i too know a girl like your frend here she had some issues wi her guy n wud discuss it ad nauseum.upon being offered advice she wu do a turn about.sucked me dry.but after i examined my own motives (i want to "help her" which was coming from ego)n realized my part in this very unhealthy energy exchange which was "helping" neither her nor me i communicated that to her.i felt not only drained but as if im being taken for a ride.with her hand firmly on my pulse knowing that im pretty gullible when it comes to seeing her hurt.and i called out the fraud.
without communicating my pay off
maybe i cuda been more honest.focusing more on my own motives than hers.and cudv avoided the bitter aftertaste(for her)
as in 'i feel that i get an ego boost each time you tell me your problems'
or
'i feel that your talking about your problems with me adds to them rather than provides any good conclusion'
or
'just wondering if listening to yr self esteem issues im avoiding my own'
'iv decided that where our frendship stands as of today is not friendship at all.the ultimate good of the other is not even a priority.its like blind leading the blind'

but ofcourse i din say any of those i simply told her to stop draining me.
and she went kinda crazy with th rejection.

all said and done.im glad i stopped the parasitic exchange.

[RT Wolf]

In the long run, it doesn't matter much how you choose to do it. There's a coupla things to keep in mind: Do you want to avoid a confrontation or argument, or does it not matter to you? Do you recognize that she'll likely be talking about you behind her back? Do you have any other mutual friends who you care the opinion of? If you write an email, keep in mind that this may be used as evidence of your "badness" to others, so be careful what you write.

None of that stuff has to matter and especially none of that is to be scared of. It doesn't matter much to me cause I know I can hold my own against the attacks of someone, socially. That all said, they're risks you might want to consider, especially the confrontation one and figure out how to minimize it.

IMO, just do it any way. I'm getting the impression you don't actually need the advice and you're just looking for support. In either case, just do it. I'd prolly just be talking on the phone and say, "hey, listen, we've had a lot of fun times in the past two years. We've had some fun times especially when you did that thing, you're a good person. However, I've found myself changing and I feel more and more out of touch with you. I feel its time to move onto the next chapter of our lives filled with wonderful friends and adventures. OK? Have a good rest of your life!" Bye.

This is a good step! Draining friends can really ruin you. Good luck and good on you for havin th courage to do this!

[garentee]

I let go of a couple who I was fairly close to last year. I must say in retrospect I behaved poorly with regards to this. I was pretty direct with them and told them exactly how I felt, but did say I would work with it with them. It has not turned out to be the case.. I have not been allowed in..I definitely think In telling the truth so deadpan and honestly is where I went wrong. A lot of people are uncomfortable when they hear the truth..I do not necessarily think its ok to lie but being fully upfront with people only takes your concerns into consideration and not the other persons..Best to think about how they would want to hear it based on what you know about them.I can say though that I do not really miss them too much at all.It was the right move.. I used to be totally drained and negative after I met with them. If I had to do it all again, I would be a lot gentler and let them go in a more loving manner. Live and learn.

[cacheborn]

lasti,
I understand your situation. I was friends with a couple and I just could not take the guy anymore. So I decided to drop him and started losing touch. He tried first, then his wife sent me an email asking me the reason. Then I had to tell them the truth. I did. Belive me, there was quite a bloodshed. But it was over and I am glad I did it.
So, whichever way you do it, if the relationship is causing you trouble you have every right to end it. Get back your peace of mind as soon as you can.
Good luck.

[jdbhouston]

This is amazing, I was just on the phone with a "friend" who I realize I need to remove from my life, and I was going to make a post here to see what advice you all could offer. He is someone I've known for a number of years, and I'm afraid he thinks I am his best friend. Everytime we are together, he tells me about all the stuff he's been doing, and when he finally asks a question about me, he invariably turns it into another way to talk about himself. He's admitted, jokingly, that he doesn't really know me very well, but that's entirely true.

My concern is that we run around in the same circle of friends, and I don't want to just dump him unceremoniously (actually that IS what I want to do), but I know that I will run into him again, and I don't want to have to deal with his wrath everytime that happens. Any advice?
Thanks,
JD

[ajkumar]

Read my article:

Do You Have a Friend Who’s a Loser? Get Rid of Em! | Persuasive.net


It will explain to you about how the people around you define who you become.


AJ Kumar

[lasti]

Originally Posted by tintin

*tintin gets the heebie-jeebies*
i too know a girl like your frend here she had some issues wi her guy n wud discuss it ad nauseum.upon being offered advice she wu do a turn about.sucked me dry.but after i examined my own motives (i want to "help her" which was coming from ego)n realized my part in this very unhealthy energy exchange which was "helping" neither her nor me i communicated that to her.i felt not only drained but as if im being taken for a ride.with her hand firmly on my pulse knowing that im pretty gullible when it comes to seeing her hurt.and i called out the fraud.

Thanks for sharing your story!
I actually thought the whole thing is just some kind of phase that's going to vanish. But I've recently realized that it was like that all the time. She also tells me that I should tell her my "dramatic stories" as if friendship was an exchange of therapeutic listening.

IMO, just do it any way. I'm getting the impression you don't actually need the advice and you're just looking for support. In either case, just do it. I'd prolly just be talking on the phone and say, "hey, listen, we've had a lot of fun times in the past two years. We've had some fun times especially when you did that thing, you're a good person. However, I've found myself changing and I feel more and more out of touch with you. I feel its time to move onto the next chapter of our lives filled with wonderful friends and adventures. OK? Have a good rest of your life!" Bye.

This is a good step! Draining friends can really ruin you. Good luck and good on you for havin th courage to do this!

Yeah, I think I'm really mostly looking for support. So thank you very much for being supportive.

I do not necessarily think its ok to lie but being fully upfront with people only takes your concerns into consideration and not the other persons..Best to think about how they would want to hear it based on what you know about them.I can say though that I do not really miss them too much at all.It was the right move.. I used to be totally drained and negative after I met with them. If I had to do it all again, I would be a lot gentler and let them go in a more loving manner. Live and learn.

Good advice here. Thanks for sharing your experience!

lasti,
I understand your situation. I was friends with a couple and I just could not take the guy anymore. So I decided to drop him and started losing touch. He tried first, then his wife sent me an email asking me the reason. Then I had to tell them the truth. I did. Belive me, there was quite a bloodshed. But it was over and I am glad I did it.
So, whichever way you do it, if the relationship is causing you trouble you have every right to end it. Get back your peace of mind as soon as you can.
Good luck.

Good to know that you don't regret it. I'm pretty sure I won't regret it either.

This is amazing, I was just on the phone with a "friend" who I realize I need to remove from my life, and I was going to make a post here to see what advice you all could offer. He is someone I've known for a number of years, and I'm afraid he thinks I am his best friend. Everytime we are together, he tells me about all the stuff he's been doing, and when he finally asks a question about me, he invariably turns it into another way to talk about himself. He's admitted, jokingly, that he doesn't really know me very well, but that's entirely true.

Totally!! We're in a very simliar situation right now. I won't see her too often, though. We were in the same school so we share definitely some friends, but they're not coming together too often.

Read my article:

Do You Have a Friend Who’s a Loser? Get Rid of Em! | Persuasive.net


It will explain to you about how the people around you define who you become.

Read that already. She isn't a typically loser though. Actually she was one of the best in school, doesn't drink or do drugs and she's also very intelligent. But she is not conscious and we're just not compatible anymore.