Do You Have a Friend Who’s a Loser? Get Rid of Em!

[ajkumar]

I recently wrote an article called: Do You Have a Friend Who’s a Loser? Get Rid of Em!

I unknowingly received a lot of praise. It was interesting that many people started talking to me about how often a question like this comes up: am I with the right people?

This is just an example, I mean no judgment, criticizing, or prejudice.
If you kid started hanging out with kids who are goth, he would become goth. Right?

If your kid started hanging out with wealthy, smart, intelligent people, wouldn't he also become that? The answer is most definitely yes!

Steve, I don't know if you read these, but I invite you to check it out as I would love your opinion:

Do You Have a Friend Who's a Loser? Get Rid of Em!

[ajkumar]

After you read the article, reply with a scenario you might of had, or currently involved in.

[LifeFirst]

Well, I don't have a job, does that make me a "loser"?

I just graduated college like a week ago, and I'm already sick of looking for a job.

Hate hearing that BS.


Anyways, I enjoyed your article. The thing is, I have a friend who I really need to get rid of, hell I haven't really spoken to him in months but this idiot keeps on calling me. Now, he's not a "loser". He makes more money than I do, but the problem is that I have grown far apart from him. He still plays video games 24/7, parties, or chats with girls all day long when he's not working, just generally real boring things that makes me want to roll my eyes. That just bugs me a lot. Of course, he can do whatever he wants, it's none of my business, and it will no longer be my business.

I'm not saying that he's a bad person, he does have good qualities. But while I was friends with him, I found out that a lot of his old friends stopped hanging out with him. Now I know why, his bad qualities are too damn much. Always complaining, whining, and worst of all, he manipulates people. That I absolutely can't stand. I haven't been returning his calls, but he still doesn't get it, still calls me, tries to manipulate me. I think I might have to tell him straight up.

[ajkumar]

being a loser doesn't mean you have to not be rich. In this case, your friend brings you down, even though he makes money. Making money doesn't matter, it's how you portray success. Success means that the person is growing. If your friend makes good money but is bringing you down, then he indeed is a loser and you must get rid of em.

I personally think if your playing video games all day (and your not in that industry) then your wasting a lot of time. Sounds like he's content where he's at, so you hanging with him doesnt benift you.

Just because you don't have a job DOES NOT mean your a loser, because your making the effort. Your mindset = wanting to grow, compared to being content.

does that make sense?

[ajkumar]

How say you?

I'm curious who else thinks they might have a loser holding them back?

[striving4peace]

I dont think it's constructive to think of people in terms of snap-judgmental labels like "loser". everybody has their own journey, everyone has their own limitations and choices.

It's another matter if they're leeching off your energy, holding you from attaining your goals, in which case you simply spend less time with them, but not ostracise them for it.

On your site it's listed:
How can you classify one as being a loser?

* No job (not looking hard enough)
* No money (lack of motivation to make it)
* Lazy
* Party all the time (unless it’s related to your job)
* Too much drugs
* Too much focus on girls (for guys, mainly 18-25)
* Willingness to NOT step out of comfort zone

These are guidelines you've set up based on what you have percieved as the current level / median of what is not 'cool' based on society. This is herd mentality, and judging is ego driven.
And it's funny - who'r you to decide how much is 'not looking hard enough for a job'?
Why is 'no money or lack of motivation to make it' a criteria for loser. By that logic you've just labelled many lightworkers as losers without thinking about it. Even many darkworkers who're going through a rough patch would be at a point where they have no money and their motivation lies elsewhere.
I could go on with the rest of your 'criteria' but I think you get the picture.

Bottom line: Don't judge other people by your perceptions and aspirations and metric on life.

I would recomend you think about not being so ego driven and shallow. Accept people for who or what they are instead.

[Jonathan Browne]

Okay, I never say this, but since your mr. judgemental I will.

Your a jackass. If that is your criteria for friendship you would have dropped some of the most famous and succesful people in the world as friends. You don't start out in life perfect. Inspire and mentor your friends. How do you expect to ever be a friend with a billionare if your an ass to people who you percieve as losers according to your standards. Compared to a billionare you are a loser. At least according your standards.

That being said you don't want to associate with people who are drug addicts or unethical and corrupt. You should certainly cultivate relationships with people more succesful than you. How can you seek those relationships though if your unwilling to associate with people who aren't as succesful as you? That would be hypocritical.

[ajkumar]

Originally Posted by striving4peace

I dont think it's constructive to think of people in terms of snap-judgmental labels like "loser". everybody has their own journey, everyone has their own limitations and choices.

It's another matter if they're leeching off your energy, holding you from attaining your goals, in which case you simply spend less time with them, but not ostracise them for it.

On your site it's listed:
How can you classify one as being a loser?

* No job (not looking hard enough)
* No money (lack of motivation to make it)
* Lazy
* Party all the time (unless it’s related to your job)
* Too much drugs
* Too much focus on girls (for guys, mainly 18-25)
* Willingness to NOT step out of comfort zone

These are guidelines you've set up based on what you have percieved as the current level / median of what is not 'cool' based on society. This is herd mentality, and judging is ego driven.
And it's funny - who'r you to decide how much is 'not looking hard enough for a job'?
Why is 'no money or lack of motivation to make it' a criteria for loser. By that logic you've just labelled many lightworkers as losers without thinking about it. Even many darkworkers who're going through a rough patch would be at a point where they have no money and their motivation lies elsewhere.
I could go on with the rest of your 'criteria' but I think you get the picture.

Bottom line: Don't judge other people by your perceptions and aspirations and metric on life.

I would recomend you think about not being so ego driven and shallow. Accept people for who or what they are instead.

Hi, I completely respect your opinion.

1. Just because I choose to surround myself with like minded people doesn't mean I'm ego driven.

2. I do accept people for who they are. If they are not interested in becoming successful (successful does NOT mean making lots of money) then why would I lower my standards. I don't judge, I just choose not to spend MY TIME with them.

3. I never said if you make no money you are a loser. I said if you make no money and don't care to get money you are. Money is important, it doesn't have to be a lot, but bottom line is, if ain't working to get some, you're not helping anyone, including yourself!

Again, I think you have the wrong idea. Loser= someone who cares to do nothing with their life. If people choose to live the life style I classify as being a loser, then that's totally cool, go ahead. I CHOOSE to surround myself with like minded individuals. And I teach others to do the same.

Most people would agree with me. There are obviously some that don't, and that's okay, because this is simply my opinion.

[ajkumar]

Originally Posted by Jonathan Browne

Okay, I never say this, but since your mr. judgemental I will.

Your a jackass. If that is your criteria for friendship you would have dropped some of the most famous and succesful people in the world as friends. You don't start out in life perfect. Inspire and mentor your friends. How do you expect to ever be a friend with a billionare if your an ass to people who you percieve as losers according to your standards. Compared to a billionare you are a loser. At least according your standards.

That being said you don't want to associate with people who are drug addicts or unethical and corrupt. You should certainly cultivate relationships with people more succesful than you. How can you seek those relationships though if your unwilling to associate with people who aren't as succesful as you? That would be hypocritical.

Please do not call me a jackass because you disagree. Especially considering that most people agree with me.


I would totally inspire and mentor my friends!!!!
Remember, I clarified exactly who I think is a loser.

* No job (not looking hard enough)
* No money (lack of motivation to make it)
* Lazy
* Party all the time (unless it’s related to your job)
* Too much drugs
* Too much focus on girls (for guys, mainly 18-25)
* Willingness to NOT step out of comfort zone


If my friends decide not to look for a job, or
are too lazy to want to make money, or
party too much and choose not to stop, or
continue doing drugs, or
focus on girls (or guys) too much or,
aren't willing to step out of their comfort zone...


What would you want me to do? You can't uplift the downtrodden. If they choose to do the things listed above, then it's their life and its up to them how they want to live it.

If they WANT TO learn how to become successful or make a change, then by all means I would help them.

How can you seek those relationships though if your unwilling to associate with people who aren't as succesful as you? That would be hypocritical.

They don't have to be successful as me, but they must have the motivation, drive, and desire to want to be.

A billionaire would choose to be friends with me if he sees my hunger for success.

If there was someone who wasn't as knowledgeable as I was, and they obviously show hunger, then of course I would befriend them.

In my article,

Do You Have a Friend Who's a Loser? Get Rid of Em! | Persuasive.net

I clarified all of this. So if you disagree, please read the entire article first.

Does that make sense?

AJ Kumar

[brandongilbert]

i agree with the topic and the idea of this article.. you basically are your friends and people know you by who you are associating with..if you want success, hang with successful people..it will make it a lot easier for you.

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

I recently wrote an article called:
Do You Have a Friend Who’s a Loser? Get Rid of Em!

I unknowingly received a lot of praise.

woah!!
You receive praise, and don't know it??

And what's there to praise, about in-competence
sinking a person, into a 'loser-mentality' perception.

You will get my praise when you come here:
sharing How you Build people UP, into the success we each deserve enjoying...

Well, we're waiting...

[ajkumar]

Originally Posted by sk8joyful

woah!!
You receive praise, and don't know it??

And what's there to praise, about in-competence
sinking a person, into a 'loser-mentality' perception.

You will get my praise when you come here:
sharing How you Build people UP, into the success we each deserve enjoying...

Well, we're waiting...

I totally agree that we all deserve to be successful. Again, You should read the entire article first before making a comment. People CHOOSE to be the loser mentality. We can't change a person who doesn't want to change. So if you decide to stay with these friends who choose to be the "loser mentality," well then your standards will also drop to their level.

A person who chooses to be lazy and not look for a job, not make an effort, are you going to encourage that? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink it. Right?

How you Build people UP, into the success we each deserve enjoying...

Well, we're waiting...

Read all the articles on Persuasive.net - The fastest way to learn persuasive communication They are all about ways to help you better your mindset skillfully.

[jetpack]

It's funny, I consider my friends WITH jobs to be the ones who are losers. It's all a matter of perspective.

If your kids hangs out with rich spoiled brats, he'll probably become a spoiled brat too.. just not rich.

[pyrogen]

The issue isn't whether or not your friend plays video games 24/7. It's whether you find yourself sucked into his patterns. Which much of the time, you will. And I knew plenty of people who played video games for a living - I used to, I was a game tester. They were still "losers". They were just getting paid to do their addiction. Getting paid to do your addiction doesn't make you not an addict.

It can be difficult having friends who have unbalanced lives; if you become too close to them, your own life becomes unbalanced. My own experience and what I think the OP is talking about.

I have plenty of friends who do things I wouldn't do, but their lives are balanced, that's the difference.

Oh and IMHO, nothing wrong with hanging out with goths. I know plenty and have known plenty and all eventually matured into well adjusted normal happy people with fairly ordinary lives. By the 30s most are still not goths, or if they're still into goth subculture they have fairly ordinary 9-5 lives the rest of the time.

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

I totally agree that we all deserve to be successful.

So if you decide to stay with these friends who choose to be the "loser mentality,"
well then your standards will also drop to their level.

Read all the articles on Persuasive.net
They are all about ways, to help you better your mindset skillfully.

IF - you're a master at 'success' - why do you need ,
to advertise to us successful Healers...

[ajkumar]

Originally Posted by sk8joyful

IF - you're a master at 'success' - why do you need ,
to advertise to us successful Healers...

I never said I am a master of success. I have a blog that I write almost everyday where I teach people what I have learned over the past years.

This entire post was telling people to get rid of people who are bringing them down as well as what how to classify a person that may be bringing you down.

How is that wrong? I'm not being egotistical about this. I've been saying over and over again that if a person CHOOSES to be a looser, why would you stay with them and lower your standards?

Why would one criticize me for passing on that message?

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by ajkumar

I've been saying over and over again that if a person CHOOSES to be a looser,
why would you stay with them and lower your standards?

Why would criticize me for passing on that message?

How, with my genuine Smilies, did you decide I was criticizing , let alone you? nope.

Keep up your good... work!

[ajkumar]

Keep up your good... work!

lol thanks

[missing]

I'll just add that I dislike the term "loser". I think that "energy vampire" would be more appropriate. The problem with using the term loser is that implies that somebody must "lose", and somebody must "win". It denies the possibility that all of us can somehow "win". In short, thinking in terms of winning and losing is thinking in terms of SCARCITY rather than ABUNDANCE. I do understand the main point ajkumar is making, I just disagree with his terminology, which I think is damaging. We need to think in terms that implies we can all be winners. While it's unlikely to manifest in reality (there has always been losers, and probably always will be) that doesn't mean it HAS to be that way.

also, I think it's unfair to chastise men ages 18-25 for caring too much about girls. I mean, you are asking them to go against what every single cell in their body is telling them. I get the main point but let's be realistic. There is nothing wrong with caring about girls if you are that age. ;p

[ajkumar]

Originally Posted by missing

also, I think it's unfair to chastise men ages 18-25 for caring too much about girls. I mean, you are asking them to go against what every single cell in their body is telling them. I get the main point but let's be realistic. There is nothing wrong with caring about girls if you are that age. ;p

That's a fair reply and and thank you for that, I appreciate it. To clarify, my usage of especially men from 18-25.

I think its great if you want to meet and hook up with girls, however, if it begins to interfere with you working to make it happen, well then it's a problem.

You know what I mean?

If your preying on girls, then at least have something to show for it (job, money, success, or even the effort to become...) There are just too many people who spend way to much time looking for girls when they should realy get to work and make something of themselves. If they practice this now, they'll get a head start.

Nothing wrong with it, but to me, this person's an energy vampire

[ns123]

I think people who call others losers are losers.

Just kidding. But really, if some one calls me a loser, I would definitely not want to spend any of my time with them.

Who gets to define what a loser is anyway? What you think of as a loser may not be the same as what I think of as a loser. And some times, some people who could be perceived as losers end up winners.

Ever see Little Miss Sunshine? The whole family can be seen as losers, but where it counts, they are winners. Ever see Night at the Museum? Larry could be seen as a loser, but in the end, it is revealed he is a winner, he just hadn't found out what he was meant to do yet. When he did, he excelled.

We can all come up with an definition of what a "loser" is, but I don't find it a very productive use of my time. Nor is it a very good litmus test to see if some one is worth spending my time with.

Calling people losers has never manifested anything positive, nor has it been very productive to me.

[LifeFirst]

What about someone who likes to manipulate people? That is the problem I have with one of my friends...that type of stuff I just can't STAND.

[ajkumar]

Originally Posted by ns123

I think people who call others losers are losers.

Just kidding. But really, if some one calls me a loser, I would definitely not want to spend any of my time with them.

Who gets to define what a loser is anyway? What you think of as a loser may not be the same as what I think of as a loser. And some times, some people who could be perceived as losers end up winners.

Ever see Little Miss Sunshine? The whole family can be seen as losers, but where it counts, they are winners. Ever see Night at the Museum? Larry could be seen as a loser, but in the end, it is revealed he is a winner, he just hadn't found out what he was meant to do yet. When he did, he excelled.

We can all come up with an definition of what a "loser" is, but I don't find it a very productive use of my time. Nor is it a very good litmus test to see if some one is worth spending my time with.

Calling people losers has never manifested anything positive, nor has it been very productive to me.

Look, I think a few of you are now ignoring the point here. Who cares what these people are called. It makes no difference. I can call them one thing and someone else can call them another, it doesn't matter. The point is, whatever you want to refer to these people as, losers, non winners, energy vampires, whatever they are, bottom line is, get rid of them and out of your life, else you'll be stuck with them. Lay down with dogs, come up with fleas.

Little miss sunshine...how are they losers? I never considered them to be that way. Where it counts they are winners? What do you mean by that?

Larry from night at the museum...never would say he is a looser either. He had a job, tried to make money, was doing something with his life. Then he achieved something better...so no clue where your going with that one there either?


I don't go around calling people losers. I simply stay away from them. I don't put them down. I don't put signs around their house. I just stay away. I encourage everyone else to do the same.

If one chooses to live a life of being lazy, why would you waste your time? we only have one life to live, so make the best of it.

Don't you agree?

[ns123]

Hm... losers is just something you call it. Just another word... interesting view.

Well, I can call you an a**hole, or I can just call you the person whom I happen to disagree with.

I find the former distracting, and the latter much more productive. But I guess, other people have found the word "loser" distracting too.

[ajkumar]

Now your being childish.

You choose to be distracted or insulted of my usage of the word loser. Is that really necessary? Are you just looking to find something to disagree with me on?

Let me ask you, do you agree with the core message I provide? If you do, stop being distracted by the "loser" term and push forward the core of the message. You and the other few disagreeing with the word loser are just creating unnecessary arguments.

Bottom line, life isn't all fluffy duffy with people all nice, using nice words, and acting all nice. Just because I use the word loser, your offended??

Please. Stop living in your head.

I would request that people stop disagreeing with me calling people who are choosing to waste their lives losers. It does nothing. This conversation is now at a standstill over that term. I can categorize people how I choose. It's my choice. Just like how it's your choice to not use that word.

If your going to disagree with me on something, disagree on the post. Quit being a baby about me using the word "loser".


Don't call me an a**hole or jerk just because I tell it like it is.

[ns123]

My point is, when you write a post calling a certain group "losers" and then defining that, you will no doubt come across a reader (or many readers) that will fit into your definition. And instead of looking at their situation and saying, "wow, I need to change from being a loser!" instead they will think, "this dude is calling me a loser! What an a**hole!"

And where does that leave us?

So, just as you have thrown a word around to distract (the word loser), so I have also thrown a word around to distract (a**hole). And you called me childish, and being a baby. And now where are we? No where productive.

For the record, I don't think you are an a**hole at all. I just threw that out to deliberately offend you as an example. I really don't think you are an a**hole.

But when I called you that, well it doesn't feel good, does it? You didn't read that sentence and respond with, "wow, I must have done something really awful. Am I really an a**hole? Maybe I should stop being an a**hole so others will spend time with me." But you responded with, "oh yeah? well, you are a x, y, z."

Yes, I do disagree with you. Just because some one seemingly doesn't add anything positive in your life right now, or is draining you, doesn't mean you should drop them. Sometimes it does, other times it doesn't. This is because people don't fit into neat little boxes - "loser" or "winner." There are many people in my life who are both "losers" and "winners" it just depends on the situation and perspective. Some times they drain, some times they inspire. Some times, they are "losers" who teach me very valuable things. Some times, they are losers who turn into winners with love, kindness, and attention - they are opportunities for me to inspire.

And yes, I also do agree with you, that some people, if they affect you in such a negative way that it is a detriment to your own well being, yes, you should move away from that person. I prefer letting them go with love instead of "Get rid of them!"

And I do also believe language counts.

[jetpack]

I think the word 'lazy' is misused. I think the most successful people can be a bit 'lazy'. It's people that don't do intelligent work (busywork) are the ones who are less successful in the end.

The Lazy Manifesto: Do Less. Then, Do Even Less. | Zen Habits

So, I think that people are throwing a lot of labels around here and maybe just getting a bit too invovled with their kids lives. Even if your own friends aren't as well off as you (money, looks, habits, intelligence or otherwise) doesn't mean they shouldn't be your friend. Maybe it's YOU who can set the good example for them and help them out. Friendship isn't a one way manipulation.

[Scorpio]

I'm fine with the thread's topic, but I don't know how I feel about someone coming in and going, "Here's a link to an article I wrote" to kick things off.

If everyone did that the forum would get pretty cluttered.

What's the moderation stance on this kind of thing?

[ajkumar]

Originally Posted by ns123

Yes, I do disagree with you. Just because some one seemingly doesn't add anything positive in your life right now, or is draining you, doesn't mean you should drop them. Sometimes it does, other times it doesn't. This is because people don't fit into neat little boxes - "loser" or "winner." There are many people in my life who are both "losers" and "winners" it just depends on the situation and perspective. Some times they drain, some times they inspire. Some times, they are "losers" who teach me very valuable things. Some times, they are losers who turn into winners with love, kindness, and attention - they are opportunities for me to inspire.

And yes, I also do agree with you, that some people, if they affect you in such a negative way that it is a detriment to your own well being, yes, you should move away from that person. I prefer letting them go with love instead of "Get rid of them!"

Okay, if i sit at home, don't go to work, don't try to find new work, have no source of income, but I do go and party so I can find girls to hook up. And oh yea, I do drugs....

what can I possibly inspire you to do? Now is it really worth your time hanging out with this person? If YOU can get out of your comfort zone and find new friends to hang out with, wouldn't that help you grow?

You said

Some times, they are losers who turn into winners...

This would mean that they would have to start the process of finding a job, cutting off on partying, slowing down on drugs etc. If they are willing to do so then sure, keep them around and support them. People don't just go from losers to winner, do they? Lotto doesn't count

I prefer letting them go with love instead of "Get rid of them!"

Sure, whatever way you let them go is fine. It's not like I mean to drive down the state highway to nowheresvile, kick em out of the car and drive off

[Jonathan Browne]

Your emphasis on getting a job and making money automatically invalidate everything you are saying. Money is an illusion. The dude who's site your posting on himself wrote an article detailing the reasons you should never get a job. Would you say he is unsuccessful? You sure would have when he was going to jail for shoplifting etc.

You ever heard of joe vitale? His income goal is 30 million a month. He was in the secret. He was also a homeless and fat "loser" for many years. All these cliche sayings your spouting about sleeping with dogs and coming up with fleas are utter nonsense. Same kind of nonsense the religious organizations try to push on people to keep them from having friends outside of their religion.

Here's a good example for you to follow:

(Luke 5:29-32) Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them. {30} But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, "Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and 'sinners'?" {31} Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. {32} I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

Now i'm not a highly religious man, but you see the words of wisdom here?