Messing up an encounter with a girl

[restless]

Hi,

I'm a 20-year-old guy with no relationship experience and very little contact to women.

Recently, I met a girl at a party. I'm very attracted to her. We had some drinks, intense eye contact, held hands and kissed. No big deal for most people, but an extraordinary situation for me.
But half an hour later, I got really apathetic: I was suddenly unable to continue conversation, did not seek further physical contact with her and felt no desire to ask for her phone number.
WTF? I went away to talk with other people and left the party soon thereafter.

Why did I sabotage myself? It could have to do with the fear of rejection and the fear of what other people will think. And I often experience such apathy when I drink alcohol. Furthermore, meeting a girl which apparently likes me is way out of my comfort zone!

I could find out her phone number and ask if she'd like to meet again. I'm very afraid to do that. It could be that I talk nonsense on the phone. Or that we meet and it will be boring. The problem is that we both aren't very talkative.
But I think that even if I mess up the phone call, it would still be a personal success. Not even trying to phone her would be cowardly.

What do you think about this?

What can I do to avoid such failure in the future?

Whatever you can tell me, I'm interested in it! Thanks for your attention.

[Xanafax]

I am similar, except I am 18 and have only marginal experience. I also get a bit like that, I would recommend ringing her up, but if it doesn't work out, next time decide: Are you going out to have a drink, or are you going out to meet a girl. Get the goal in your head, don't let it happen by accident either way.

[JimOfferman]

I'd say go for it!

You have absolutely nothing to loose here. The worst that can happen is that things don't work out and she disappears from your life... but she isn't in it to begin with, so nothing lost.

Get her phone number and give her a call. Invite her to go on a date and have some fun. If at any point during this things don't work out, you once again have lost absolutely nothing.

Pay attention to everything that happens, so you may learn from it. If things work out between you and her then great, otherwise you still gain the experience and thereby increase your chances with the next girl.

[Brutha]

How do you know that you messed up?
Maybe she sits at home next to the phone and wishes that you would call.

If you still are able to get her telephone number in another way you haven't lost anything.
The goal isn't perfection. Perfection isn't authentic. Perfection isn't human. Love is human.

When you call her you are probably better off mentally focusing on the good thing that happend at that evening.

[LordSappington]

I've messed up with a lot of girls. Sometimes I meet them but never bother really chatting them up. Sometimes, I chat them up but never get a number. Sometimes I get a number but can't arrange a date due to scheduling conflicts. Sometimes I arrange a date but it just goes poorly. All of these are salvageable. You're just afraid that she'll reject you. The key is to not think about it and act fairly quickly to fix it. If you have a great date with this girl, then your screwup will be a distant memory to her. However, if you wait too long, she'll likely lose interest. Don't find out her phone number because some people think it's a bit creepy to get numbers from her friends. Get her e-mail address (which is probably publicly known) or message her on your favorite social networking site and send her a brief e-mail like, "Hey, I had fun with you at the party. Do you want to do XYZ on Wednesday night?" Do it now.

Just last night, I messaged a girl on Facebook to go get a drink. I met her at a party like 6 months ago. We chatted for about 10 minutes and it was fun. Then I never got her number. We exchanged jokes on Facebook every month or so, but never really did much more than a one-liner. I decided to ask her to go to a bar with me last night. She went, even though we hadn't really talked for 6 months. It went reasonably well. Like I said, everything's salvageable.

I have reflected upon the situation you described, which seems to reflect many of the interactions I've had with women. I've been there before. I realize the proper way to solve the problem is this. While you're still interested, get her number. Then end the conversation and walk away to socialize with other people. Do not wait for the conversation to die down. End it intentionally with the purpose of getting her number. A good way would be, "I'm going to go refill my beer. I'd love to get together with you some other time. What's your number?" Then go get a beer. You can talk to her later in the night if you want.

[AliB1959]

Girls have the same fears that guys do. We get just as uncomfortable in social situations and catch ourselves feeling suddenly out of our normal comfort zone and pull back.

I recommend calling her and have several ideas in mind for a get-together, such as something you love to do as a hobby - you can teach her a bit about it, plus you're in your comfort zone. Or a lunch/dinner and a movie, or hiking, biking, go to a local museum or nature walk. Stay away from alcohol, though; you don't need to it be okay.

Above all, be honest. If things get too quiet for you ask her what she's thinking about, and really listen - ask questions based on what she says!

Ask her about her hobbies, what she does with her down-time, where she goes to college and what she's studying and hopes to do with her degree, if she has long-term goals and what those are, why did she choose to go for that kind of work. Listening is key - ask questions based on what you learn about her. This will help you become comfortable and also help you decide if she is someone you truly want to spend your time with.

Dating can be a wonderful and fun adventure! Best wishes!

[Plato]

We are creatures of habit. We experience discomfort and anxiety when we break a habit, even when it's something we want.

When people become rich for the first time they often freak out or become depressed. It's illogical, surprising if you don't expect it and most importantly it's temporary.

Your situation is similar.

This is not unusual. Just an obstacle that will dissolve as making out with women at parties becomes normal to you.

Btw, there's worse to come. When you actually start getting laid you'll likely feel very weird after. Once the new habit is established you'll be fine.

The message is basically to push through it. Do what makes rational sense. Try not to take too much heed to feelings like this.

edit: A massively effective but simple tip is to take some time visualising how you want things to go. It will help you clarify in your mind what you're trying to achieve. It's like programming yourself to be a guided missile towards your goals.

[Alexjstrandberg]

It is a base line fear of rejection. Most of this comes from a fear that being rejected will confirm that you are a complete "loser" (your deep seeded believe about yourself). Or that by being rejected that you will continue to be rejected and you will go into a deep state of depression or worse.

All of these fears stem from your mind and are illogical. The image of a guy who constantly gets rejected and gets worse doesn't exist. Being rejected with the right mindset will actually grow your confidence which will cause you to inadvertently get better with women.

It's an illogical fear but you need make a decision to push through that fear. You could work on the issue in your mind but "issues" like this aren't going to be conquered through the mind. The only way to get around this issue is to go for it, get rejected and realize that it wasn't that big of a deal.

Did you ever read Steve's post about being comfortable with success? I've taken that idea and applied it to women. Here's something that I wrote (but haven't published) that might help you out:

"Comfort with women

In order to become successful with women you must first become comfortable with the idea of being successful with women. Men lack success with women because they are still in awe and shock when they finally get a woman to make out with them or even God willing sleep with them.

Does the idea of having more women in your life than you know what to do with get you excited? Or does having an amazing girlfriend who cooks and cleans for you get your heart race going?

Well, it shouldn't. If you get overly excited about getting a date or getting laid then you are not at a point where you are comfortable with being successful with women. If you are in awe and shock about something you are not yet at a level where you will be able to attract it into your life and keep it.

Every time you get over excited about money, women or whatever you are pushing it further away from you. You are basically saying that type of success with women is beyond your reach. If you believe it's beyond your reach, then it is.

The key is to treat that type of success with women, whatever you believe success is, as normal. If you take a mind set of that being your every day normal type of activity to go out and and go home with ten numbers then you will draw that type of success into your life.

If you take a guy is very successful with women you will notice a couple of things about him. For starters he doesn't talk about his success with women unless it's funny or someone else brings it up. He doesn't show boat to everyone that he hooked up with this girl or that girl because that's just a normal and expected part of his life.

Another key point is that this sort of expected success allows him to not care about any one specific girl. He has a true abundance mentality because abundance is apart of his life. He truly believes that women will come and go from his life and he will have no problem finding another one.

If you take a men who barely get laid you will notice how excited he is when one lonely woman decides to throw him a bone and sleep with him. He tells his bodies, slaps hands and has a big ass grin on his face for the weeks that follow.

Then he wonders why he is not getting repeat business. He is uncomfortable with getting laid because it's an extravagant, extraordinary event that is beyond his reach. It's his excitement that makes that event happen every so often. He is not comfortable and can't treat that event as an every day thing.

What is your comfort level? What kind of success do you currently feel comfortable with? Is it getting laid once or twice a year? Or is not getting laid at all?

After you figure out your comfort zone imagine a little bit beyond that. Don't imagine yourself sleeping with play boy models or getting an amazing girlfriend if you have only slept with one woman. Imagine just beyond your current comfort level.

After you imagine yourself at that level pretend as if that is normal. Get into the mindset that it happens every day and it's nothing to get too excited about. Imagine you sleeping with a girl and not even telling your buddies because you know its not that big of a deal.

Practice this exercise till you can get to a point where you are comfortable at that level. As you start to draw in that success imagine a little bit further and a little bit further till you are completely comfortable with being successful with women.
"

[TonyToneTone]

A LOT of great advice in this thread.

[restless]

I am similar, except I am 18 and have only marginal experience

Yeah, it scares the hell out of me how many guys (in my social environment) have problems with that area of their lives.

We are creatures of habit. We experience discomfort and anxiety when we break a habit, even when it's something we want.

When people become rich for the first time they often freak out or become depressed. It's illogical, surprising if you don't expect it and most importantly it's temporary.

I've heard of that concept before. Highly interesting to see it in my own life

Most of this comes from a fear that being rejected will confirm that you are a complete "loser" (your deep seeded believe about yourself)

Yes, I believe that. Definitely.
A part of me still beliefs that I cannot find a girlfriend, that I don't need such a thing and that relationships are basically hopeless. And I don't love myself enough. That's something I will have to work on.

Thanks everyone for your encouragement. I just texted a mutual friend for her number. Still waiting for a response. And I made socializing / finding a girlfriend my #1 priority for 2009.
btw, JimOfferman: I really enjoyed your music!
Alexjstrandberg: Your article is great, thanks for sharing!

[Corey]

Or it gets to a point where you just give up =/

[SimonaRich]

You listened to your ego and messed things up. Do not listen to that depressing inner voice that says that you will fail or look silly if you do this or that.

Act as though you are confident. Act this way till you really feel confident.

Do not beat yourself up because you missed out on this occasion. There will be many more.

[TonyToneTone]

Good stuff. I did this the other day. I was having fun with this girl and I heard this voice, "What if she doesn't like me?" My reaction was "Ah, shut up!" and proceeded to start kissing her.

[kpreston]

Congratulations on taking the first step and getting her number.

However, your answer lies in your own sentence here:

But I think that even if I mess up the phone call, it would still be a personal success. Not even trying to phone her would be cowardly.

Any success is a good success. Go for it. And good luck .