How do you have sex? [Adult]

[estudiant9]

Um, okay, this is not a joke, but there's just no discreet way to ask this.

I'm a 23-year-old straight male who is a virgin. I will probably have my first intercourse within the next few months. And I don't know how. I belong in the 3% of the American male population that don't watch porn regularly (Obviously I'm being tongue-in-cheek), and probably have watched less than an hour of porn total in my entire life. Well my point being, if you were a woman of my dreams and you have just openly invited me to your bed, I wouldn't know what to do.

I understand that there's a thing called foreplay. And you're supposed to find the right orifice and insert and engage in a thrusting motion until climaxing. Apparently there are various positions of doing it but let's not get into that yet. Are you supposed to talk with your partner while doing it? Are you supposed to trim your hair beforehand? Shower?

I mean, how are you supposed to pick this up, other than by asking your parents? One of my many, many fears is that, and I say this with complete sincerity, I might go for her urinary opening instead of her vagina. And oral sex? Which one comes first? Where was I when they taught all this??

I'm telling you, I didn't go to an all-boys Catholic high school (no offense to those who did; many of you probably fare better than I). I just haven't come across that many experiences with the opposite sex (I've only kissed one girl). It's not even due to lack of opportunities since I'm in college. I just didn't put that much importance on sex, and socializing in general, until recently.

Please tell me I'm not the only one in the world that didn't get the memo? Could someone help me out here? Thanks!

[karlstaib]

My suggestion would be to talk to the person you are with. Just let them know you are inexperienced and want to make sure that the experience is enjoyable. If you are with the right person they will understand.

[JimOfferman]

You could just ask your parents, of course. Your very existence is proof that they know how it works...

Other than that, maybe you could start here:
HowStuffWorks "How Sex Works"

I just wouldn't worry about it, though. When push comes to shove, your body knows what to do.

[seanner689]

Nobody is a porn star their first time, no matter how much porn they've watched, and porn sex isn't exactly an accurate representation of 'real' sex (at least not in my life). I have no idea that you mean WRT urinary opening vs. vagina.

But anyways, I think that people usually 'pick it up' by kissing, making out and fooling around, etc and realizing what feels good and what makes their partner feel good as far as talking, foreplay, rhythm etc. Learning a female's body and how they react to different things, of course everyone's different. Going from only kissing a girl to having sex with a girl is taking the fast track.

Trimming and being clean never hurts. Practice makes perfect, play safe, and if the girl's experienced she'll be able to help you along the way. Good luck

[funchy]

I wasn't sure how much was appropriate to post publicly, so I sent you a PM

[TonyToneTone]

If you are going to have sex for the first time, tell your girlfriend (I am assuming she is not a virgin) that you are a virgin. She will LOVE it! She'll feel in control and take you through the moves. It's how I lost mine and it was great!

[maxrush]

Well my partner just pointed this thread out to me, and told me I should see whats going on here. Well, the fact of the matter is estudiant9 that, i was in the exact same situation as you about a year ago, was a 23 year old virgin, Yeah I'm not ashamed to say that, you know poeple would say i'm saving myself for the right person, or some thing like that, well, no, it just didnt happen with me, never got too interested in girls, hardly ever watched porn, infact it works the other way around with me, porn feels so artificial, that it turns me OFF.

Anyways, sorry about going on a tangent, but here I go, thankfully for me my partner wasnt a virgin, so that helped. Anyways, the moment arrived, and I was Excited, and scared shitless at the same time. It wasnt like I didnt know where what will go, but I was more consumed by what if I am not good enough, or what if i make a complete fool outta myself, well, it happenned. and to tell you the utter truth, the both of us were "UNABLE" to reach orgasm for the first two times if i remember right. Its not that the stimuli wasnt enough, believe me it was more than enough, but more than that, I was concentratin on the Orgasms more than the beautiful act of making love instead. Believe me, that wont work! then eventually, we tried different positions and found our groove with each other. The most important advise from a fellow guy for whom Sex was a walk in the unknown, is that Be Yourself. No need to portray yourself as anything or any one else.

You dont need to tell your partner that you know what youre doing, just go with it. Feel her, Connect with her, on an emotional level, BE with her. And it will all turn out fine. You'll understand her body more and more as you explore it, touching where turns her on, kissing where makes her go to LALA land! well, Go ahead man, just be yourself.

And if you have questions about the physical anatomy of a womans genitals, the internet can help you there, you'll find loads of pages about how to make your partner feel on top of the world, though i'd recommend you to find them yourself by going in an experiential direction, find out her spots as she finds out yours.

Making love to a person atleast for a man (my thinking) the the highest plane of expressing his love, usually men are not so vocal about expressing their feelings, I am some times, so i let my heart and my body do the talking at those times more often than I'd have ever imagined.

Dont fu*k her, make love to her, not her body but the person that she is.

And dont be nerveous, its a natural process, and the more amazing than any other natural processes I have been through as yet.

Take you time. And dont forget to enjoy yourself.

Max.

[Lauxa]

One thing I would recommend is putting on some background music, like some jazz with no words. Then if you start thinking too much you can just tune into the music to get back in the moment. For sex you need to get into your body and out of your head.

You will want to take some time to explore all of each other's bodies before going straight to the genitals. That is the foreplay and consists of mostly rubbing, kissing, and caressing. Go slowly and notice what she likes. Then take your time with examining the genitals, in the same ways you explored the rest of her body, before jumping in.

There is no way to mistake the urinary opening for the vagina, you can rest easy in that. More likely problems are losing your erection due to anxiety or premature ejaculation. If you are both virgins sex the first time or two will probably be awkward at best. But it does get better.

And yes, do be clean, that makes everything much nicer.

[Andrew Gubb]

I'd be open about it. Go slowly and let her guide you a bit... if she's into you enough you'll be fine. Don't try and cover up any "failings" on your part. Virginity isn't an affliction... it doesn't even exist, it's just a meaningless concept! Sex is just sex. Besides, you've had it in past lives, you just don't remember. That's because it isn't THAT important.

It really is pretty damn good though

[Erock]

I've only had sex twice and I still have no idea what to do. Just tell the girl that you're a virgin and she will show you what to do. That's what I did and it worked out pretty well.

Erock

[Subscreet]

Originally Posted by Lauxa

One thing I would recommend is putting on some background music, like some jazz with no words. Then if you start thinking too much you can just tune into the music to get back in the moment. For sex you need to get into your body and out of your head.

YouTube - So What by.Miles Davis

Play this. It will give you plenty of time to finish.

[Strongsloth]

Hi

Based on my (1 person's) experience I would say that the single most important thing is that you are unhurried, relaxed and confident. If you are then you have little to worry about. The encounter will just move smoothly from kissing onto things which I would never mention in a public forum. It all comes naturally because it is natural.

It's rather like giving a speech in public. It's not at all hard to do a passable job if you are relaxed. The big enemies are nervousness and fear.

Most of the talk about the necessity of long, complicated and sophisticated sexual techniques is overdone. Hopefully in later sessions you will move on to those and enjoy the experiences, but they are not essential first time. If you just do the basic things combined with a good measure of hugging and kissing before and after it will be well enjoyed on both sides.

Regarding talking, I would say. Essential during the lead up. Best avoided during the physically intimate parts. Much appreciated after.

Personally I have given up drinking, but if alcohol is involved it will be a lot better if you are less drunk than she is.

The other big factor is that you are with someone you genuinely like and are attracted to. When it comes to sexual satisfaction what you do might make a bit of difference but it is nothing compared to who you are doing it with.

[m18pak]

If you're really so worried why don't you just watch some porn to teach yourself the basic mechanics?

[painofsalvation]

Like m18pak said, I would watch a few porn movies just to get the basic idea.

It doesn't mean you'll be performing like a porn star, but you may learn a few nice things from them.

In my case porn is not so distant from real life, maybe because that's what turns me on. As you get more experienced you'll find out what suits you best.

My first time was with an experienced girl, so I just let her take the lead and enjoyed it.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by estudiant9

One of my many, many fears is that, and I say this with complete sincerity, I might go for her urinary opening instead of her vagina.

I assure you, that is very unlikely...

Sex is much easier than you would think. It's as natural as breathing. In the future you will laugh at yourself for overthinking about it.

[Xanafax]

Well I am a virgin, but my friend has assured me of two things:

1. Your first time is crap.

2. It's really dehydrating.

I don't understand where the second one comes from, but there you go.

[funchy]

Originally Posted by Xanafax

2. It's really dehydrating.

I would LOVE to know how this happens. Anyone willing to venture a guess?

[Xanafax]

Well my friend said it was because he was kissing the girl and breathing really heavily...

sounds plausible.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

I assure you, that is very unlikely...

Sex is much easier than you would think. It's as natural as breathing. In the future you will laugh at yourself for overthinking about it.

my my you are not so 'daffy' after all

[estudiant9]

Guys:

Thank you so much to every one of you for your thoughtful, sensitive, reassuring and often hilarious responses. I really learned from each one of your comments, I'm like a sponge in this arena!

[Alison Jenkins]

Just let sex happen naturally. You will find that you will become really excited and want to move to the next stage. Start by kissing and carressing. Foreplay is more important for females as they become aroused at this stage which is essential for lubrication. There's no way you will go into her urinary tract as the opening is tiny. explore it all with your fingers. When you are ready, then make love. It's a natural act and your body will respond accordingly. Ask your partner to tell you what she likes, what feels good and you tell her the same. It's different for each person so no matter how experienced you are, you have to learn what a new partner likes.

Don't worry about oral sex at this stage. You can master that when you feel more confident. The other thing to mention is contraception and safe sex. You can practice putting a condom on now. Make sure you squeeze all the air out from the end of the condom.

And most importantly have fun.

Alison

[Corey]

Originally Posted by Erock

I've only had sex twice and I still have no idea what to do. Just tell the girl that you're a virgin and she will show you what to do. That's what I did and it worked out pretty well.

Erock

Sure about that? Because in this day and age its pretty....odd..for a 23 year old to be a virgin and girls probably would think something's up with him. To be fair, I'm a 22 year old virgin myself. Just saying that with how soaked up in sex this generation is, well.....best of luck to the original poster.

[HealingMaven]

Quick answer:

Scarleteen | Sex Education For The Real World - It has the answer to just about every sexual/reproductive question you could possibly come up with. Even I've learned stuff from that site, and I'm the kind of person who others come to with sex questions and have been for 2 decades.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by Xanafax

1. Your first time is crap.

2. It's really dehydrating.

Hmm. That wasn't my experience with my first time with sex.

I imagine that would be my experience if I tried running a marathon.

[HealingMaven]

Originally Posted by Xanafax

2. It's really dehydrating.

Originally Posted by funchy

I would LOVE to know how this happens. Anyone willing to venture a guess?

A couple of sources:

1.) Heavy Breathing

2.) Sweating. Especially if you're either nervous or active enough to qualify as an aerobic workout.

3.) Kissing/licking body parts other than your partner's mouth. You lose fluid that way.

4.) self-lubrication - if you're female and having a particularly good time OR if you're a guy who produces a lot of pre-ejaculate. (Both men & women vary on how much they do this.)

[Daffy Duck]

Or if your friend was drunk, they might have already been dehydrated.

[HealingMaven]

Originally Posted by Daffy Duck

Or if your friend was drunk, they might have already been dehydrated.

Actually, that's a depressingly accurate answer. Because so much sexual activity in teen/college years is part of a culture of partying and needing alcohol to loosen up enough to engage in sexual activity.

Though, hopefully, that's not as applicable now as it was when I was in college. (mid 90s)

On a less depressing addendum: Physical excitement & nervousness produce adrenaline which can dry out the mouth leading to the perception of dehydration.

[Daffy Duck]

Originally Posted by HealingMaven

Though, hopefully, that's not as applicable now as it was when I was in college. (mid 90s)

I believe it is even more true now. Though, my local college is one of the biggest party schools in the nation, so maybe my perspective is a bit tainted. I need a Sociologist to provide me some stats!

And oh, oh! I want to say something! A joke.

How do you have sex?
Frequently!!

Hahaha

[estudiant9]

What an interesting discussion!

Thanks for the link, HealingMaven

[HealingMaven]

Originally Posted by estudiant9

What an interesting discussion!

Thanks for the link, HealingMaven

I'm a huge fan/supporter of Scarleteen and sex education. I hope it enriches your life!