domestic violence

[cookie5]

Do you put up with it.? Travelled the road of physical assault before and quite brutal. Yet again? diff person? Still emotional abuse is more visious and bitter. My question is can one person trigger another and that sets that person off to react in a physically violent manner? and if so arn't both parties to blame? As for emotional abuse I guess the same could apply but if some are so ingrained with degrading people since childhood then isn't that infact normal to them despite it been wrong.

[Brutha]

My question is can one person trigger another and that sets that person off to react in a physically violent manner?

You won't be able to trigger a sensible person to react in a physically violent manner.
Not having a strong enough personality is to withstand any "trigger" to physical violence is a huge character flaw.

Get out of the relationship with the person that physically abuses you.

[cacheborn]

Do you put up with it.? Travelled the road of physical assault before and quite brutal. Yet again? diff person?

No, you do not put up with it. You have a choice to get out of the abusive relationship. Yes, almost always it can be traced back to abusive childhood but that alone does not help in any way.
Even if one person is acting in such a way as to trigger violence, the other person can make a conscious choice not to react violently.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by cookie5

Do you put up with it.? Travelled the road of physical assault before and quite brutal. Yet again? diff person? Still emotional abuse is more visious and bitter. My question is can one person trigger another and that sets that person off to react in a physically violent manner? and if so arn't both parties to blame? As for emotional abuse I guess the same could apply but if some are so ingrained with degrading people since childhood then isn't that infact normal to them despite it been wrong.

no please do not put up with it
I do not care what type of abuse it is


no
one person cannot trigger another although the abuser will try to make you think so


so
I am not going to tell you to get out

I am begging you to get out if you are in that situation

[funchy]

No, there is no excuse for abuse. There's nothing someone can say or do that justifies physically abusing them.

There are patterns a person has in picking a type of person as a mate though. A woman might go from one abusive relationship to another. This does NOT justify the abuse. It's a sign something needs to change in how she chooses to be with.

The sad thing is that it becomes a cycle. A person who tolerates a little abuse gets to thinking they "deserve it" and their self esteem suffers. Then they're more likely to tolerate it again and again. If this is the case, there are professionals who can help a person get therapy & shelter.

[jacki]

domestic violenc..do you put up with it?

for me it has do do with the situation.
i would never tolart it from my partner.
but ive been 'dealing' with verbal abuse from both my barents for many years... even though im finally18 i stay because, right now, to leave would put mein a worse sutitation. since my parents divorsed it better, but not ideal.

[Mr_A]

Violence and verbal abuse are way to express the intensity and emotion of the masculine energy.

The person inflicting the abuse needs to learn to channel this intensity into something constructive. The chances are he bottles up this intensity until he explodes and expresses it as physical violence or verbal abuse.

He would have to learn how to honor the feminine energy with his masculine energy. If he looses this intensity the passion in the relationship dies.

Tell him to read 'The Way of the Superior Man' by David Deida

The abuse is not your fault he just doesn't know how to deal with wildness and spontaneity of the feminine energy

[cookie5]

[QUOTE=jacki;283436]domestic violenc..do you put up with it?

for me it has do do with the situation.
i would never tolart it from my partner.


The situation Im in is one to tolerate however I cant help but think tell him OUT! I see the co dependence that I hang on to. im mid 30's his 12 yrs my senior and I dont want to lose that. (Him) our relationship.but in the state I look right now I think why? Despite this I do not wish to seek another relationship nor be alone. Am I fearing been alone to much??

[cacheborn]

cookie5,
I understand that it is difficult to think about giving up the relationship. But you have to make a choice if you want to continue to take the abuse or not. and it can be a difficult choice. why you very afraid of being lonely?

[cookie5]

I guess why would anyone want me? something I struggle with. I have to children one severly disabled. Just the baggage perhaps, at least how others see it. very confused but I guess I will get there, I've been through alot but then havn't we all.

[cacheborn]

Nothing wrong with being confused.
Just don't lose faith in yourself. It's difficult to make the right choice but in the end you will be thankful that you made it.

[silicon toad2000]

Do you put up with it? If it's a one off and the relationship is worth fighting for and you are both taking steps (therapy or whatever) to stop it happening again, yes. Any more than a one off, no.
Can one person trigger another, yes. It's the same as with any form of manipulation. People can be made to do things they wouldn't usually do, just look at life coaches for the other end of the spectrum. I believe everyone has a point where they snap. It's just that most people will never find themselves in situations which enable that point to be found.
The real issue is perspective and noone deserves to be assaulted. On the same tack, noone deserves to be emotionally abused for years either.

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by cookie5

I guess why would anyone want me? something I struggle with. I have to children one severly disabled. Just the baggage perhaps, at least how others see it. very confused but I guess I will get there, I've been through alot but then havn't we all.

I had similar feelings about myself
but recently I have decided that I am okay alone - I do not have a romantic partner

although if Gerald Butler ever decides I am the one for him than hey I am here

kidding aside

keep your head up and like I said before you do not have to tolerate abuse


I used to work with a guy that married a woman with 2 kids and one was disabled -so their are caring people out there

[bluemoon]

You should never put up with anyone who abuses you. What could POSSIBLY be the upside to it? Being alone and not being hurt, or being with this loser and being hurt... why do you make the choice to stay?

[silicon toad2000]

some things are worth fighting for bluemoon.

[robc]

That people who have experienced abuse early on in life (child abuse: physical, sexual, mental, emotional) tend to attract partners that act more like predators - people who are attracted to the energy emitted by someone who has been abused.

Yes there isn't a tangible way to measure that but it can't be that far fetched.

We tend to be attracted to the partners we're attracted to, it's very hard to change what we are attracted to, in fact that's why in many relationships (yes, I know, not all just many of the ones that seem to fail regularly), people will leave a certain partner and relationship only to be attracted to someone new with very similar characteristics and repeat the patterns of the previous relationship. This also explains why some people go through many relationships and multiple divorces, you are attracted to a type of person and unfortunately not all of those qualities may be beneficial or wanted at all.

One thing to realize through all of this is that you are the common denominator in all of this so you also have to accept the greatest amount of responsibility in your relationship. In fact you have to accept 100% responsibility for your relationship and it's current status. You picked that person, you weren't forced at gunpoint to be with them, you could have terminated it at any time but you decided to stay in it because you were hoping the relationship would somehow turn itself into something great & wonderful. The problem with that is that the relationship isn't a conscious physical entity that takes care of itself. You & your partner make the relationship what it is. Expecting your partner to change and requiring them to change for the relationship to get better is the wrong thing to do and that is why relationships fail and experience lots of problems: we all expect the other person to change and if they do, the relationship will be better. But that is the wrong assumption and places too much pressure on the other person and pretty much determines that the relationship will fail.

- You are the relationship from your point of view, not from your partners point of view.
- stop being needy and requiring the other person to change or do something differently
- love them as they are, don't expect them to do something that you aren't willing to do yourself
- if they don't love you back, the choice is yours (not theirs) to stay and accept this type of relationship for what it is or leave the relationship
- your self-esteem is not determined by anyone else except for you
- when you based your self-esteem based on how other people treat you and give you attention, whatever self-esteem you have is temporary and you will find that when you are alone you will feel useless, miserable, sad, lonely, etc.
- learn to love yourself first, have respect for yourself, stand up for yourself and start setting rules in your life for how you will be treated and if people aren't willing to respect these rules for the type of energy you allow in your life, be prepared to lose those people (or look at it from a better perspective, be prepared for those people to lose you as it will be their loss)
- this isn't a quick process of growing a spine and standing up for yourself but if you are determined to stick through the process and work to this goal, it will happen and you will have the self-esteem, self-respect and love for yourself that you always wanted and never thought you could have
- once you become this person, the energy you emit will attract better people in your life because you have standards now, you may even find that the people existing in your life will want to change not because you asked them to but because your energy communicates to them that they need to change to be around a strong person like yourself who loves themselves and takes care of themselves
- people who are involved in many failing relationships who ask themselves why is this always happening to me are not seeing that in the end, they are a part of every failed relationship and they have responsibility for the pain they feel and the failures that happen since you are a part of every failure. It could be that you have just hooked up with every lemon out there but it could possibly be that you are in fact a lemon yourself: this isn't a bad thing to find out, you have to know what & who you are right now before you become the kind of person you want to be
- stop assuming you are always right and the other person is wrong, based on our personal perspectives and internal logic, we will always feel we are right and the other person is always wrong. Look at this way, if you are right all the time, how come you end up in the same painful situation & relationships all the time? It's quite possible that what you are doing and the person you are isn't as right as you believe.

I know this is a lot to digest and believe me, I could go on & on. I think this is plenty to begin with, try to digest this and if you have more questions, just continue to post here and I will continue to give you another perspective.

Just remember, doing the same thing over & over again only guarantees you the same results, it's time to start doing things differently if you want different results. Good Luck!

[bluemoon]

Originally Posted by silicon toad2000

some things are worth fighting for bluemoon.

That's a fairly vague and unrealistic statement. I don't think an abusive partner is ever worth "fighting for".

[robc]

Originally Posted by bluemoon

That's a fairly vague and unrealistic statement. I don't think an abusive partner is ever worth "fighting for".

What kind of abuse are we talking about?

Verbal, emotional, mental, physical, sexual?

With the except of the physical/sexual abuse, who hasn't been abusive in a relationship at one point during the relationship? When has one spouse never hurt another spouse with a few choice words, or a silent treatment, when has one spouse never had an argument with their partner and not hurt them in the process. Abuse can come in many forms, not just physical/sexual - maybe we can more clear on that.

[silicon toad2000]

if you really love someone, you'll think they are worth fighting for. It's more complex than dismissing it out of hand saying just leave. A relationship can never be summed up by a single act, good or bad.

[funchy]

Originally Posted by silicon toad2000

if you really love someone, you'll think they are worth fighting for. It's more complex than dismissing it out of hand saying just leave. A relationship can never be summed up by a single act, good or bad.

Are you saying if your partner beat you, over the course of hours, to within an inch of your life, you'd stay with them? Can you really forgive intentional, attempted murder?

[silicon toad2000]

I'd say that's probably a bit outside the scope of what we are talking about.

Personally if my partner beat me to within an inch of my life I would be very impressed.

The point I am trying to make is that it's not always as easy to say 'well thats it mate, it's over' there is always a lot more to it than that.

Obviously in the scope of what you are talking about, I don't think anyone would find someone like that worth keeping around.

Let me ask you at the other end of the spectrum, if someone has been emotionally and verbally abusing their partner for hours and as things get heated a few blows are exchanged. If you both love each other and can both identify the cause of the tension and are both willing to work towards a solution, is it worth throwing away everything you have both worked towards for the last 20 years of your life?

As I said in an earlier post, a one off incident might be worth overlooking provided both parties are working towards a solution, there is no history and it doesn't happen again.

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by cookie5

> domestic violence
some are so ingrained with degrading people since childhood,
isn't that infact normal, to them despite it been wrong.

what passes for 'normal' is by no means Healthy
emphatically NO! -
that's what they use in Criminal-prosecutions daily:
"aww, the poor thing, he/she was so abused as a child,
they can't help but be serial-(murderers, pedophiles, rapists, whatevers)
again, NO - that is no excuse!

Originally Posted by cookie5

Do you put up with it.?

and if so arn't both parties to blame?

"blame" does nothing but make people feel more shitty, so don't go there.

Everyone involved should, be in counseling The operative words here
being "Skilled, & Successful" Good luck! finding that.

[bluemoon]

Geez, emotionally and verbally abusive for hours?? I don't have that kind of energy or time these days.

Of course you're going to have disagreements with your romantic partner. And things are never entirely fair when someone gets angry. But there's a very real and clear difference between 'heated disagreement' and 'abuse'. And I stand by my original statement that 'abuse' is not acceptable.

If further clarification is needed, abuse means to me that there is a consistent degradation of one partner by the other- physically, emotionally, sexually and/or verbally. I stayed in what was certainly an emotionally and verbally (though never physically or sexually) abusive relationship for years because I "fought for it". It was one of the stupider things I've ever done. By dumping him, I got a lot of self-respect back, along with the ability to become a better person and I found a much more compatible relationship.

I'm not saying everyone is the same as me or that relationships aren't unique, of course. But abuse is abuse.

[silicon toad2000]

then I think we agree bluemoon, consistent. I have said earlier a 'one off' might be worth overlooking if what you are keeping is valuable to you.