A bit of advice?

[Mjbrookerjr]

I'm trying to get as many peoples opinions of this as I can, I've already formed my own opinion, but, it never hurts to have more, right?

I work in an office, we have two departments, inbound/outbound, I work in the inbound dept. There is this girl, in the other dept. Who I like alot, we started talking at work more, then outside of work, texting and all that jazz, for a couple weeks, I think she was leading me on, all flirty and all that. So we were supposed to hang out one night, go to a local resturant and get a couple drinks, so the day of the night we were supposed to hang out she told me her boyfriend didn't want her to hang out with me, so she had to cancel, whatever, no big deal to me. That was my deciding factor that hers and my relationship would just stay an interoffice relationship. She kept talking and flirting with me, I will not complain. Then one night she texted me asking what I was doing, I didn't think anything of it, I told her nothing, reading (The success principles great book) not really doing anything, she said she needed to go out, and asked if I wanted to get a few drinks.
So she picked me up. She was upset, I guess her and her b/f had a fight and she left, and chose me to hang out with over friends she's known for years. I've known her for only 5 months, tops. I'm flattered. I can kind of understand why she wanted to hang out with me. In my office everyone is always negative, and I'm always making them positive, making them think things they cannot think on themselves. So I think she needed some consolation. Within a half hour of us hanging out she said she felt TONS better. Then the rest of the night she was completely flirting with me...
So I figured, maybe her and her b/f were going to break up, so I played along with her flirt. Then over christmas he proposed to her, and she accepted, they've only known each other for 5 months, and he doesn't work.. while she busts her ass 40+ hours a week.
I want to be happy for her, but its hard, especially when she had led me on as much as she did, and the fact that 70% of all marriages end in divorce, and shes only known this guy for 5 months..
I've pretty much decided to leave well enough alone, and work on flirting with another girl lol! Am I in any sort of a wrong? I'm not going to completely disregard the relationship her and I established, but it will not be the same...

[Holistic Star]

Yes stay away. She sounds like the type who either consciously or unconsciously uses attention from men to boost her self-esteem. I'm sure she's attractive and lots of fun but also hard work. Besides, she's engaged now, so flirting is probably not a good idea for your own peace of mind.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Mjbrookerjr

I can kind of understand why she wanted to hang out with me. .

You sure about that? It sounds to me like the reason she chose you to hang out with was that you desire her, and she needed to have her desirability validated.

Because your desire for her is obvious and palpable, you are not a good match for her for a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) like marriage. Her lesson now is to choose someone for whom her value is in question, and you just don't fit that bill. It's likely that even after she marries this other guy, she'll continue to use you for her self-value fix; she might even initiate an affair with you if she finds herself in a real self-esteem crisis.

Go ahead and participate in this game if you like; just please don't mistake that for an LLTMBR. You would be the one with the pain. I get the sense that maybe your real heart's desire is for a true romantic partnership -- one in which the woman is available to be forthright, generous, loving, and committed to you, and you to her. Right? If so, my recommendation is to let this stinky fish go and keep your eyes out for a healthier one.

Lots of love,
Angela

[LordSappington]

You're a nice guy, and you got used. Next time, don't play along with a girl who is involved because, as Holistic Star said, she manipulated you into boosting her self esteem. If you stick around, you will end up being the shoulder to cry on, the guy she uses for emotional support, the guy she complains about how crappy her husband is (but you're so great!), etc, and you'll waste a lot of time and energy in that role.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

Yes stay away. She sounds like the type who either consciously or unconsciously uses attention from men to boost her self-esteem. I'm sure she's attractive and lots of fun but also hard work. Besides, she's engaged now, so flirting is probably not a good idea for your own peace of mind.

completely agreed. On top of that if she leaves him for you what is stopping her from leaving you for another guy when her self esteem starts to take a dip? Nothing at all.

I also believe that for some women flirting is naturally ingrained in their personalities, it's just part of their behaviors. While she may think nothing of it the man gets all hot and bothered by it.

You also need to question whether or not this is someone you want to be friends with. She lacks integrity and honesty by going out and flirting with other men. Most people would say this is no big deal because leaking sexual energy is the norm for some women but it shouldn't be. If you had a friend that lied to you and lacked integrity I doubt you would want to be friends with him. But since she's cute and flirts with her you want to remain friends.

Just something to think about

[Mjbrookerjr]

Well, thats some GREAT advice! A lot better thand some of the stuff I got form others, thats why I posted this on here,thanks guys!! I appreciate it!

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by Angela

Because your desire for her is obvious and palpable, you are not a good match for her for a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) like marriage. Her lesson now is to choose someone for whom her value is in question, and you just don't fit that bill.

I don't disagree with the overall advice here, but these are an interesting pair of sentences... you're suggesting that obvious desire for your partner would make someone not a good match for marriage? or that we should choose to be with people who we're not sure want to be with us? I'm curious about the philosophy behind this...?

[Mr_A]

I agree with jaamkie

Angela your words makes no sense, sounds to me like one massive limiting belief

[Mjbrookerjr]

I thought hers (Angelas) made sense, and actually it helped me form my final decision about my relationship with the girl... I guess great minds think alike!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

I don't disagree with the overall advice here, but these are an interesting pair of sentences... you're suggesting that obvious desire for your partner would make someone not a good match for marriage? or that we should choose to be with people who we're not sure want to be with us? I'm curious about the philosophy behind this...?

Angela your words makes no sense, sounds to me like one massive limiting belief

I thought hers (Angelas) made sense, and actually it helped me form my final decision about my relationship with the girl... I guess great minds think alike!

Everybody's got a perspective!

Jaamkie, I'm suggesting that the OP's obvious desire for this particular woman would make them not a good match; I wasn't stating a general rule. If you read my post again from that perspective, it may make more sense to you, as it has apparently to the OP. Mr_A, yes, you are right, I'm talking about limiting beliefs: that is, the limiting belief that the woman is operating under, and my guess is that is sounds something like, "I'm unloveable" or "I'm worthless." The OP could go ahead and pursue a relationship with her, of course, but it's a rough and painful road being involved with someone who is allowing her limiting beliefs to make all her choices for her, and my sense is that the OP is up for loving, supportive, joyful and free in his relationship, rather than rough and painful. (It's a lot to read in to what he's saying, I realize. And still. ).

Mjbrookerjr, I'm so glad I could help. Lots of good wishes to you.