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12-28-2008, 05:35 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 4
 |  my boyfriend is significantly wealthier than I
Hello everyone, My ex-fiancee and I are trying to work things out. One of the things that I struggle with is that I tend to feel guilty or insecure because I barely break 50k a year and right now he is making 300k. I just don't feel like I'm his equal, or even close. I've dated men who have more money than I do and it was never a problem. The difference was that they made it clear that they loved to spend money on me. It made them happy to buy me dinner or whatever. So I didn't feel so bad. He isn't like that. He wants us to go dutch everywhere and I just can't keep up with him. I just went back to school so now I'm making even less than my old 50k a year. Has anyone experienced this or have any advice? Thanks  |
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12-28-2008, 06:07 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 4
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he has chilled out a bit on us going dutch since I went back to school and am now really broke as opposed to just not wealthy. But when we first met he made it clear that he didn't like women who couldn't pay there own way.
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12-28-2008, 07:24 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Vancouver
Posts: 2,437
 | Quote:
He is probably insecure and doesn't want to feel like he's been used for his money, so this is a defense mechanism. Lots of rich guys are really worried about only being loved for their money, or about attracting gold-diggers. He may have had bad experiences in the past as well. Just tell him straight up that there is a limit to what you can afford and you guys are gonna have to go to cheaper restaurants etc because of your financial situation. | |
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12-28-2008, 08:19 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 300
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"he doesn't like women who can't pay their own way" He has issues with money and women. I enjoy taking care of my girlfriend and paying her way. It's not like she is a spoiled Paris Hilton type that leaches off of me and you definitely don't seem like the type either. It seems that your self worth has become identified with your dollar amount after dating him. Before it wasn't a problem but now it is. I suggest finding someone new. It's never a good sign when you have to 'work things out.' That is a sign that the relationship is flawed but you are forcing it to work when it clearly doesn't. |
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12-28-2008, 09:51 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 166
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I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting someone to pay their own way. It removes any sort of financial pressure on the woman to reciprocate affection, and it gives the woman no incentive to lead a guy on just to get free dinners. A problem arises when there is a major discrepancy of income and the person choosing the date location is the wealthier. For someone making $300,000 a year, spending $100 on dinner probably isn't a big deal, while for someone making $50,000, it might be. So you should make it clear to him that you will pay your way, but the two of you need to decide on what's financially feasible for you. It's a compromise, and if he wants to live the luxury lifestyle, he can do it with his buddies and not you.
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12-29-2008, 03:04 AM
| #10 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 9,613
| Quote:
When my wife and I got married, each of us was earning about $50,000 a year. The difference between my earnings and hers was small. In general we paid for things equally. It was a non-issue. We were equal partners. Along the way, our incomes expanded, mine a little faster than hers. Then three years ago I started messing around with the Law of Attraction. (She did too, but she didn't focus on money, but on other things). My income started growing very rapidly. This year her total earnings will be around $140,000+. Mine will be about $490,000, more than triple of hers. As I said, this has required adjustment. On my part, I had to get used to the idea of paying more and more for everything. Sometimes I do feel alone and unsupported, especially when we think of big purchases (like the new house that we're planning to buy, and which she's not willing to contribute any money for). On her part, she had to get used to the idea that she isn't my "equal" (as you put it) in terms of career success. She also suffers somewhat from the notion that she has sacrificed her career for the sake of the family and kids (which IMO is not an entirely sensible notion, because I do help out a lot, much more than the average husband, with child-raising duties, and I also pay entirely for a maid to come do the housework). Anyway, it's all about adjusting mindsets. If you place emphasis on comparing earning power with your boyfriend and you attach your self-worth to that kind of comparison, then you'll suffer. If he places emphasis on Dutch, then he'll have to get used to cheaper goods / services etc than he can actually afford. It's a dynamic balancing act. Also, if he is newly rich, he may not be used yet to the idea of being rich, and therefore he may still behave as if he isn't really rich. I had that problem too. Last edited by Acting Like Godot; 12-29-2008 at 03:09 AM. | |
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12-29-2008, 03:16 AM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 568
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An equal partner is not about finances or giving to the relationship the exact same thing. It's suppose to be about balance and an exchange of energy. Just like if one person has a skill, such as fixing household items, while the other cooks. There's no reason if you can't afford to, why he should expect you to pay when he has significantly more money. You can do other things to compensate. That's how relationships work. Each person uses their strengths, skills and knowledge to the best of their ability. If he doesn't believe you aren't with him for the money, then he just isn't right for you. When there are problems because of an insignificant issue like this, it's definitely a sign. There are too many other important things to focus on in a relationship. Affection/sex should have absolutely nothing to do with whether someone buys you a meal or anything else. |
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12-29-2008, 10:07 AM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Maine
Posts: 254
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Talk to him about what you can afford and tell him that the places you guys go are really draining your money. Perhaps tell him that you are willing to contribute but that it's impractical for you to split things evenly unless you start frequenting less expensive places. I would also explore your feelings on this a little deeper. Do you resent him for holding back money from you? If so, perhaps it's time to find a more suitable match. |
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12-29-2008, 03:48 PM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,133
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12-29-2008, 04:54 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Toronto, Canuckland
Posts: 1,737
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^ 50k a year still puts you in the top 0.98% of income earners in the world. Global Rich List However, like JSB pointed out, lifestyle output correlates weirdly with income. If I took 50k a year to a third world country like Pakistan, I'd live like a king. Srsly, with servants and everything. |
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12-29-2008, 10:52 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 12
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i understand he wants to be with someone that can pay their own way but if he thinks you can pay for all the expensive things he wants to go out and do, he is wrong. you make great money and im sure if he wasnt around you could take care of yourself. if he really cares about you, he wont make you pay for everything at all times. this is the same concept of opening the door for your girlfriend. hope everything works out.
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12-29-2008, 11:10 PM
| #16 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Cornwall, england
Posts: 517
| Quote:
Why do you think money makes him any better? "a persons value comes from what he is able to give, not what he is able to receive" Albert Einstein | |
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12-30-2008, 09:31 PM
| #17 (permalink) | ||
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: east coast, USA
Posts: 1,628
| Quote:
Quote:
I agree that he shouldn't be a free meal ticket. But at the same time it's not good to have a guy who won't go back and forth about who pays or who flaunts his wealth to the point you feel insecure. You'd need to feel him out and decide if he's unfairly cheap or just expecting you to earn your own way? Are the restaurants affordable or does he take you to places costing over $100 for the two of you? Is he making it hard for you to keep up? Does he put his other signs of wealth in front of you, such as insisting the two of you always ride in his (more expensive) car? The bottom line is that if being with him is making you feel uncomfortable, it doesn't matter if he earns $300,000 or works part-time at McDonalds for $3,000/yr .... he's not the right person for you. Only you can decide if he's the right man for you. | ||
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12-31-2008, 12:45 AM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 300
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Rather than going dutch on everything, why not trade off. On Friday he wants to go out so he takes you to the restaurant of his choice and pays everything. On Saturday you want to go out so you take him to a romantic picnic and prepare everything. In other words, if he wants the pleasure of your company that should be enough for him and he should be willing to pay 100% for a nice night out if that's the way he wants to spend time with you. It should be about spending time with each other not on spending money on each other. |
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12-31-2008, 02:50 AM
| #20 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: USA
Posts: 335
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There's definitely more than one dynamic going on, often only tangentially relevant to the current relationship, which is why money-relationship issues can be so confusing and prone to misunderstanding. I've been thinking about this from the opposite perspective recently- great boyfriend, about the same income as me, neither particularly struggling though not "rich", gave me a more expensive gift than I was expecting, and had been planning to give me another one for my birthday (but I accidentally beat him to it, ordering it for myself yesterday). I love his generosity and the fact that he doesn't keep count or coercively expect returns on his gifts, that he doesn't treat money as a scarce resource to be hoarded, and he doesn't weight the cost of gifts given and received. Yet at the same time I worry on his behalf that he's spending too much on me, worrying that it doesn't turn into some exploitative unequal relationship- but I don't want to count pennies and demand exact equality either, when money is only one part of overall contributions to the relationship. I guess I think you need to bring it up with him and have a calm rational discussion with no immediate consequences- ask him over for a meal you cooked to remove bickering over the check for that day at least. Then ask him what he thinks of money and income and spending and gifts and inheritence and taxes etc both in general and wrt relationships. You have to judge if it is a personal thing about not trusting your intentions not wanting to be generous to you, or if it is his upbringing/attitude about money in general. Either way you can't expect to change it, but if you're trying to decide if/how to live with it, it's important to understand where he's coming from and what to expect. |
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01-01-2009, 09:23 PM
| #22 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: east coast, USA
Posts: 1,628
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01-02-2009, 03:51 AM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 128
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My ex was a bit like that. It did not occur to me in the beginning of our relationship that it was a problem as I also had a good career and made as much money as he did. For a while I actually made more money than him. When we get married and have children, I took the back seat to take care of the family and that was when his career overtook mine and hence his income. He really show his true color during the last part of our relationship. Scheming away our money for his "business". When we got divorced I have $500 in my bank account. I had to turbo charge my career in a hurry in order to keep a roof over our heads and to provide my children with some stability. People who put too much emphasis on money are not good to be around. Watch for the tell tales sign before it is too late. It does not matter how much money a guy have, it what he does with it that counts. And if he is not willing to share his wealth with the people he loves. Then I would stay away from him. |
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01-02-2009, 04:47 AM
| #24 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Northern California
Posts: 3,030
| Quote:
DTMFA. The problem isn't how much money he's making. It's the spirit behind it. You could spend the rest of your life happy and loved with a man who made what you make, or less, with whom you went dutch, before you would with someone who made 6x as much as you who expected the same thing. Spirit behind it, not the money. | |
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01-04-2009, 05:23 AM
| #25 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 73
| Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes. Quote:
Energy takes different froms... money, time, inflowing, outflowing, talking, percieving, love... and you know there isn't always a balance... you'd tear your hair out trying to balance all money, household duties etc perfectly. No two partners are each other's exact equals. Maybe there's balance between give and take within the entire universe, but how can we know that? If there's real love there, these things aren't an issue at all, of course kind and considerate checking / discussion is important, to make sure you're on the same page. I was once in this situation, his buisness went bad, and he went from paying for dates to suggesting we go 50/50. It was sad but I was a student at the time, and unfortunatly had to tell the guy that I couldn't afford to go the same places he wanted to frequent, so we went to less expensive places for a while, or just didn't go out. Doing this but also showing how much you love spending time with him no matter what you're doing would help also. I didn't learn this in time to save that one, and I regret deeply even now. It's a tricky balance between understanding the insecurities of the wealthier partner, and having them understand your insicurities being the less affluent partner. I wish you luck... | |
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01-04-2009, 03:52 PM
| #26 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 8
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Being wealthier that your loved one can definitely cause some relationship issues. But, as usual, they can be solved by communication. If you're not happy with spending a lot of money, then I'm sure your fiancée would have no issues paying the largest share of whatever you're doing. Equality does not mean 50%-50%. Equality means that each gives what each can give. If you're studying and cannot afford anything major, he should be helping you out by paying a larger share. If he doesn't understand that, then it's a more serious issue. |
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01-06-2009, 01:09 PM
| #27 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 257
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What if you both had a great job, made the same amount of money, and then decided to have a family and you stayed home while he went to work to provide the income? What if you had to give up your job to move to another country for your mate with little chances of ever getting into your old well-paying job? What if it were your brother? Would you expect him to ask you to go dutch in expensive places when he knows you can hardly afford a pair of socks? Would you have difficulty letting him provide for your living even when you are unable to for good reasons, knowing that you'd do the same for him on the spot? And then imagine a relationship with someone whom you know you love till the end of time, and by whose side you'd stand with a smile on your face through poverty, pestilence and World War III, and who feels the same about you. Can you see "who's making more money" being an issue between partners in such a relationship? |
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01-07-2009, 04:47 PM
| #28 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 658
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I find it ironic that your man wants a woman to pay her own way, but then, chooses a woman (you) and makes it as difficult as possible for her to do so. He wants you to pay your own way, but chooses restaurants and things that are too expensive for you to afford. Doesn't sound like he wants your relationship to succeed. It is possible to have a vast difference in income and still have a loving relationship where money is never an issue. Another poster suggested you take turns to pay. This is an excellent idea. So if he chooses, he pays all. Then you invite him, and you choose, and you pay all. And you choose to do activities that you can afford. Try going to the park, star gazing, talking over coffee/tea, cooking him a meal, etc. I actually have some friends and family members that DON'T make even half as much as I make. And when we go out, I (and my husband) pay for everything. If we can't afford to pay for them, we select things that are not as expensive. As far as I know, my family members and my friends don't feel money is an issue. So it can work well, but only if you set yourself (and others) up for success. |
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01-07-2009, 05:16 PM
| #29 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Northern California
Posts: 3,030
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The problem isn't that he's rich, it's that he's selfish. If he made the same money as you, he'd still be making impossible demands, and if it were his last five cents he wouldn't give it if you needed it.
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01-07-2009, 07:30 PM
| #30 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 49
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I usually have the opposite problem. I'm significantly more wealthy than girls I date and I like pay. However, they normally have a problem with this, and insist on splitting or alternating. Maybe it's just a signal as to where we are in the relationship and where I think things stand. If I didn't like her at all, I'd probably want her to go dutch.. just because. It wouldn't be about the money.... |
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