Reconciliation and full disclosure

[Rabbit]

Long story short- six months ago my relationship ended with a woman whom I fully loved (and still love) because a few months before that I had essentially cheated (with an ex that I dated for 3.5 years - no physical contact, but I propositioned) and then covered it up... and then she found out (not from me). Yes, I was indeed a royal idiot, but I truly learned a lot about being a man, what love means, restraint, etc. from that experience.

Recently, still feeling guilty for my actions and for hurting her, I wrote her a letter saying once more that I was sorry for everything (and etc). Surprisingly she reengaged contact with me, forgave me, and I even hung out with her a few nights later. We've been talking pretty much every day since, and while I started out walking on eggshells, the issue of reconciling and getting back together has come up and is now apparently a definite possibility (she still has feelings for me too, albeit good and bad).



Onto the question this post begs- in the six months we were split up, I did in fact hook up with the girl whom I essentially cheated with (four times, the last at the very beginning of October). I was depressed, desperate, and this girl was available. Recently this girl and I mutually decided to permanently cut all ties because of the directions of our personal lives. I know that will never be an issue in the future, and that I will not repeat the same mistakes as before. However, if the woman I love and I reconcile, should I tell her about this? Obviously it's a bad idea to straight up confess about one's sexual past - such a confession is generally not invited or useful - but perhaps in this case it is an important piece of information for her?

[JimOfferman]

Well, I wouldn't blurt it out on the next date, but at one point I would tell her.

You wouldn't want to ruin the relationship again because of hiding some truth from her. Now, the hard part is that telling the truth may hurt the relationship as well. You'll have to decide for yourself when is the best moment to come clean and be prepared to face the consequences, no matter what.

[Angela]

There's a great book called "After the Affair, Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner has been Unfaithful."

It contains very helpful information for BOTH of you -- for you, looking at if and why it would make sense to either tell her or keep your secret, and to get insight into what was going on with you that you both broke your promise to her and covered it up -- like: is there something in the relationship or in your past that led you there, etc. For her, it will help her to feel less alone and confused, and to distinguish exactly what it is she needs YOU to do so that she can heal and thrive in a renegotiated relationship with you.

Good luck.

[Rabbit]

Thank you very much for the responses, and I am definitely going to check out that book at my first opportunity.

If I were to go with my gut I'd say that I want to tell her. To me, this is important information, and I don't want to trick her in any way by hiding the truth again. So I guess the question now to Jim's post - when would be appropriate to confess? Like I said, if I am to tell, I don't feel comfortable hiding it for a while until *I* am ready, but then again I truthfully know that what happened in the past is now sealed against the future, and thus possibly trivial?...

[intellisyte]

Rabbit, honestly, I wouldn't tell her. From my own experience......The two of you were split during this time and what you did with your own time really isn't her business. You had no commitment to each other so what you did shouldn't have bearing on the two of you in the future. It really isn't healthy to go and share about past partners to your current interest. Especially since you aren't going to have contact with the ex anymore. Forget about it, it's in the past. There is nothing you can do to change it. All you can control is your present which will lay out your future. If you really care about this girl, consider sometimes some things are better left unsaid.....

[Alexjstrandberg]

First forgive yourself for essentially cheating on her. If you don't forgive yourself she will eat you alive in your new relationship. She will continue to bring up your mistakes and make you feel guilty.

From there comes honesty. Tell her because without honesty there is no relationship. She will know something is up because you will be a little bit off. She might not be 100% sure of what is wrong but she can tell something is wrong. She will use her mind to search for reasons why you are off and cheating will be the first thing she jumps to.

After honesty comes her forgiving you. If you don't forgive yourself your apology will come from a place of weakness and begging to be forgiven. This weakness will cause her to lose attraction for you because weakness is not very attractive quality to have.

Before anything I would try to figure out why you wanted to cheat in the first place. Is it in your nature or did she help in you trying to cheat? Maybe the relationship wasn't right to begin with and this is why you decided to stray? I'm not putting a right/wrong judgment on cheating, I'm looking for you to find the answers why this happened.