Is there a "right" way to ask a sig. other if he/she is cheating?

[Justis]

SSIA.

This question has come up for me and other friends of mine, and I'm just curious what the masses think....?

On one hand, the other person may be offended, but on the other if he/she is not doing anything wrong, then what would be offensive about a truthful question?

-Justis

[RT Wolf]

I recently read a pretty good way in Crucial Conversations. Great book, in general. Check it out.

The gist of the way is, don't start out iwth the blunt question, but share your facts, first, then your story and then your emotions. They can disagree with teh facts and/or the story. That is, don't start with your conclusion, start with the facts, eg. I noticed there's a hotel bill on your credit card from a hotel very close by. Or somin.

[Steve Pavlina]

As a simple test I just asked Erin, "Are you cheating on me?"

She laughed, looked up, and said, "Astrally?"

That's probably because of this thread:
Having Sex With Dream Characters (or Astral beings) Considered Cheating?

Hmmm... she never really answered my question, did she?

If your relationship is rooted in anything more than shallow infatuation, you might as well just use the direct approach with a question like, "Have you had sex with anyone else since we became a couple?" No point in being timid about it. If you can't be open and honest in your communication, then there's nothing to worry about because you don't yet have what you're afraid of losing.

[tc33]

Uh oh, looks like Justis single-handedly destroyed the Pavlina marriage. Steve, it's cool man, you can sleep on my couch tonight.

On second thought, you have significantly helped me improve my life and I have given you absolutely nothing in return...aww heck I'll break out the air mattress!

But you still get the crappy pillow.

[stephencp]

Asking "are you cheating on me" assumes that they will tell the truth. If they ARE in fact cheating on you, they will likely lie too. If they are not, then you will likely only offend.
If you have to ask at all, there are other issues that need to be resolved first either with you or with them. I love Crucial Conversations, (Difficult Conversions, and Fierce Conversations are all good too.)
Amazon.com: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High: Books: Kerry Patterson,Joseph Grenny,Ron McMillan,Al Switzler,Stephen R. Covey
Amazon.com: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most: Books: Douglas Stone,Bruce Patton,Sheila Heen,Roger Fisher
Amazon.com: Fierce Conversations: Achieving Sucess at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time: Books: Susan Scott

Stephen
www.**********************

[zeroone]

From the words of Alan Watts:

Instead of "Are you playing with me or are you serious?" say "Are you toying with me or are you sincere?"

I advice for you to just be honest and talk with her. Tell her what it is that is making you feel that way but make it clear that you don't want to feel that way. Ask her to help you. Maybe that she's doing something that's bothering you, like talking to her guy "friends" a little too much.

[Dating Specialist]

I second RT Wolf to start with the facts first. Because that tells your partner that you aren't making this whole thing up. But you can always ask in a nicer tone rather than one of interrogative.

But if you don't have any facts, or rather at least some evidence to suspect in the first place, then you shouldn't even be thinking of using this as a means to test his faithfulness for you. Tests like this aren't meant to be used as a leisure game.

Originally Posted by Steve Pavlina

there's nothing to worry about because you don't yet have what you're afraid of losing.

Wow, I love this statement. Says so much underneath... Thanks Steve. You've given me a jolt, once again.