I feel so alone...

[Remorse]

It's 3 days until Christmas and I'm bawling. I don't know anymore. I've never fit into my family very well and as I get older it just get worse and worse.
Recently I've been feeling this rejection to the point where I want to hurt myself because I feel so angry and bitter. I've never done it, aside from snapping rubber bands on my wrist, which doesn't count. I'll never cut myself, its just not something I believe in.
But I almost wish I would.

I have a bigger family, 2 parents 5 children,<-of which I am the 2nd. but there are only 2 I feel like I can confide in. My father and younger brother (but he taller than me so I call him my big brother). Without them I think I would have run away or seriously I would have done something awful.

I am what they call the "screw-up" child. The least successful, not good looking (my family is all good looking but me), and most academically challenged.

Basically in my family (among the siblings) there is a system of ranking by who can achieve the most. Who is most loved/praised by their teachers, who has the best grades, who can please mom and dad the most.
I can't! My talents aren't good enough, the teachers that do like me my parents hate, and in school I'm just not good enough.

I feel so desperate to belong somewhere, to be good enough to belong somewhere. It hurts so bad, I just don't want to do it anymore.

[jaamkie]

I'm sorry....
I love my family, am close to them, but I often feel intellectually distant from them- they're just not interested in the same things I am, have no interest in my books, and are annoyed that I don't have a TV and so can't participate in some of their conversations. It is painful, but I think you're better off accepting them for what they are, and aren't, and looking for friendship and similarity in intentional chosen relationships, not those you happened to be born with. It'll get easier as you get older and more independent, you can start to see them as just fellow imperfect people, rather than the standard by which to judge yourself. Best of luck!

[wolfgang]

did you double post this?

Originally Posted by Remorse

It's 3 days until Christmas and I'm bawling. I don't know anymore. I've never fit into my family very well and as I get older it just get worse and worse.
Recently I've been feeling this rejection to the point where I want to hurt myself because I feel so angry and bitter. I've never done it, aside from snapping rubber bands on my wrist, which doesn't count. I'll never cut myself, its just not something I believe in.
But I almost wish I would.

get as much help as you can. tell your family you need help. how old are you?

I have a bigger family, 2 parents 5 children,<-of which I am the 2nd. but there are only 2 I feel like I can confide in. My father and younger brother (but he taller than me so I call him my big brother). Without them I think I would have run away or seriously I would have done something awful.

I can't confide in any of my family. not that that makes any difference. Just saying, count this as a plus that you are close to any of them.

I am what they call the "screw-up" child. The least successful, not good looking (my family is all good looking but me), and most academically challenged.

Basically in my family (among the siblings) there is a system of ranking by who can achieve the most. Who is most loved/praised by their teachers, who has the best grades, who can please mom and dad the most.

happens a lot. maybe not all there is to life - competing for attention/approval from others. that you see it may be the key not being ruled by it.

I can't! My talents aren't good enough, the teachers that do like me my parents hate, and in school I'm just not good enough.

sometimes I think talent is just spending the time with it and the desire to drive it. don't blame "them" as not good enough (even if they are). Maybe you can spend time doing things you like doing and find your own satisfying talents that you don't care if others notice or not. that would feel free, don't you think?

I feel so desperate to belong somewhere, to be good enough to belong somewhere. It hurts so bad, I just don't want to do it anymore.

I thought you are in a family and have 2 siblings you are close too? That sounds like a belonging to me. The search for belonging is only a search when not recognizing that which you are already part (even if you judge what it is as not perfect). Well, that's philosophical and probably not good ideas for you, just replying in my way.

[sbdiane]

I don't feel all that terribly close to my family either. It's not a problem though. Family can be something you create with other people. Lots of gay and lesbian people create family with people of their choosing. You can do it, too.

[Jim11]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I know it can be hard to imagine yourself climbing out of the depths of sorrow, but it will happen for you.

Based on what you shared, I think the most important thing to do is start thinking hard about what YOU want. Comparisons, other people's opinion, etc, you will eventually realize that these things aren't worth your time.

Obviously your family's "system of ranking" isn't working for you. How about making your own system of ranking based on things that are important to you?

I also think it's important to embrace your loneliness. Develop strength and independence while making an effort to meet new people that fit well into your life.

When I was younger I moved a fair bit and felt incomplete when I didn't have close friends, or especially when I didn't have a partner. But after some time (a long time, it seems...) I have come to realize that I need no one except myself, and that all other people in my life are bonuses.

[phantom3165]

I am sorry you feel alone, but to deny your own self worth based on emotional pain from rejection is a path that leads to nothing but a wasted life. I see so many people hurting because another won't give them the approval or acknowledgment they think they deserve. It is nice for others to recognize our accomplishments and to express love towards us if they feel it, but to expect it is just silly. Instead find out who you really are to you, since the only one who can ever really approve of you is you. Learn how to love yourself and stop seeking fulfillment externally. If you always look outside yourself for approval and acceptance you will always be disappointed. The world is the playground of form and is transient by nature. Everybody you have ever laid eyes on will die one day as well as every building and structure. Civilizations will rise and fall with all of their ideologies lost in the sands of time. This is the way of form accept it and you will realize the road towards freedom. The ancient Greek philosophers expressed and idea so simple yet so profound. It was simply this," As Above, So Below". What did this mean? What did the Italian philosopher mean when he said, Know Thyself? These are very simple statements and yet they are the secrets of the universe and pointers towards something that I can sink my teeth into and forget this childish wanting and unrealistic demand that the world of form provide me self approval. Where is it written that everybody must adore me and boost my ego whenever I feel down? What are my parents real roles in my life?
Again, I wish no shame or guilt as we all require this at some point in our lives, but some day you have to grow up and take responsibility for your own life and the experiences you create in it. If you truly wish to be empowered Then stop feeling sorry for yourself and take all that extra emotional energy and put it to some good use by discovering a new world, you! As above so Below is the idea of studying the universe to understand myself and to study myself so I can understand the universe. That can take several lifetimes if you are brave enough to look in those places where only your reflection gazes back at you. To know myself is to realize who I am beyond form and to understand my true purpose.
You may think I am being glib with you or that I am missing your point in why you are soo hurt and upset. I am not. I too am sitting here alone for Christmas and have my own stories to tell, but that is where our similarity ends, because I realize that that is just what it is, the little story of me, and how unfair it all was. Remember what this time is supposed to be about and what this man Jesus did for all of us. You are a unique and wonderful being in your own right and only you can truly appreciate that and only you can stand on your own two feet. Rise up and love yourself enough to live your life instead of your life living you. Instead of dwelling on all you lack, relish in the things you have. If you don't have much then you have less to worry about. The point being, you make life what it is not the other way around. If you think it's horrible and depressing then that is what life will provide you in quantity. If you take some responsibility for your negative attitudes and thoughts and train your mind and emotions to find the good in any situation, you will see that life bends to your desire and it will get better and better until you find it easy to create abundance and happiness. If it is true that we are all created in God's image then that means each one of us is God and the only difference is that of scale and of course, your desire to be more like Him. Learn how to live in alignment with the universe and you will be a man to be reckoned with and the funny thing, is you won't even care or need others to tell you so.

Standing in front of yourself and asking "Who am I?" is the greatest and most powerful question you can ever ask. I hope you will take the journey and realize it is the destination!!!

Carpe Diem!

[dali]

I have a friend who wants to kill himself he feels so alone. I also had a friend who did kill himself he felt so alone. i understand loneliness too and the desire to be done with it. What helped me though was that when i thought long and hard about it i realised that i could actually do something about it myself. When i meet someone else who is suffering i see that they are reaching out for help, maybe a hand to hold. When i meet a cold and homeless person on the street i get down to be near them and make conscious contact with them in the hope that if even for a moment i will meet them in their loneliness and let them know that i care for them. What i realised is that if i can do that for someone else i could probably do it for myself too.

Thats how i beat my loneliness. i started to take myself seriously. You are not lying. You are telling the truth. You feel lonely and it is painfull. Why hurt yourself even more? Why use even elastic bands on your skin? Have compassion on yourself. When you want to hurt yourself pray rather for yourself. Every time.Stroke your soft skin rather than harm it. We are looking for love and acceptance. Let your own hands lead the way.Give yourself what you are in need of. Let the healer within you embrace the victim and raise him up to a new life. You can do it. In the end only you can do it.

Take a walk downtown and see all the other lonely people out there. Reach out to someone else. We all need love. Giving it is a sure way of dispelling any cloud that darkens our day or night and later on remember what you have done. Really remember that when you were so low rather than wallowing in your own self pity you went out and helped someone else. This might be the turning point in your life, dear friend. I pray that it is and i for one wish you all the very best that Christmas can bring you and a year ahead that lets you discover through the overcoming of this pain a brighter future one where you give out what you want to receive.Dark brooding thought generate a dark brooding life. Standing up to them generates the courage we need to face life, and do something bigger on the planet while we have the privelige of being on it. Believe me. Ive been there.

The past is history. The futures a mystery. You build the bridge between both by your deliberate attitude to the present moment.

Its your Christmas present to yourself how it turns out and thats what you will give to others. Ponder that in your heart. Give yourself the sort of Christmas you always dreamed about.

[Andrew Gubb]

You don't need to be good enough. You don't need to be anything or do anything to have loving connections. Remember that.

It's hard when you're family is like that... very hard. I know, I've experienced the same. Don't resist the pain, let it be, and cry if you feel like crying. Don't think your family will change. In a way you are missing something (a whole, loving family) which you may never be able to find. It's like being born without a leg.

I'm just saying this hard truth because you have to see things as they are and accept them along with all the pain they bring. You've been given a handicap in the game of life. But that's okay. I was too, and it made me deeper and more compassionate than you could imagine. My curse was my blessing.

You need social contact, real social contact. Go and find it. Don't let the pain of your past stick to you and cause you to repeat your relationship patterns - release it.

As soon as you can, get out of the house and live independently. I can't tell you how important this was for me. Start finding relationships which reinforce your self esteem. If you seek them, and are ready for them, your angels will bring you together.

[cacheborn]

Dear Remorse,
I understand you completely. I am in a very similar situation. I have lost both my parents. My mother expired few years back and my father is missing. we do not know if he is still alive. I was not close to them. In fact we had severe problems. I have a sister whom I call once a week but we talk like polite strangers. I have no close friends, no relationships.
I have spent almost all my new year eves alone.

I am telling you all this just to let you know that you are not alone.
*a big hug*

[The Cloud]

I don't know if this is helpful, but I doubt that you'll ever find someplace that you truly feel like you are a part of. I'm also kind of the black sheep of my family (which is kind of the opposite of yours, as I'm the only nerd in the whole family), and was definitely the black sheep at my school in K-12 grade. But I went to a technology school, joined a fraternity, and thought that I'd found my place in the world. It wasn't to be, though. I evolved while the organization did not. So now I'm even more different than I started out being.

But as it turns out, rather than fitting in nowhere, I fit in everywhere. There is no one that you cannot connect with on a deep level if you allow yourself to. The connection doesn't come from them, it comes from you. Maybe your natural talents lie in places other than the rest of your family. It doesn't matter, really. Love isn't about other people, it's about you. It's your love for them, and they can't take it away no matter how little credit they give you.

I know that doesn't make you feel very powerful right now, and you think you're in a lot of pain. But when you stop hurting yourself on their behalf, you'll find that you are are amazing and don't need anything from anywhere else to be so. Your disadvantages may be your greatest advantage. Many people get trapped by their talents and success in situations that they don't feel they can get out of, and are never allowed out because the situations are supposedly "good." A cage made of money and power is much stronger than you would think, because it is clung to no matter how badly you want out. But you are much less likely to be trapped by success and good looks, and will probably see deeper and understand more about the truths of life than they can allow themselves to. You'll almost certainly always be the black sheep, but you'll get much better at it .

[Nicholls]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I don't know if this is helpful, but I doubt that you'll ever find someplace that you truly feel like you are a part of. I'm also kind of the black sheep of my family (which is kind of the opposite of yours, as I'm the only nerd in the whole family), and was definitely the black sheep at my school in K-12 grade. But I went to a technology school, joined a fraternity, and thought that I'd found my place in the world. It wasn't to be, though. I evolved while the organization did not. So now I'm even more different than I started out being.

But as it turns out, rather than fitting in nowhere, I fit in everywhere. There is no one that you cannot connect with on a deep level if you allow yourself to. The connection doesn't come from them, it comes from you. Maybe your natural talents lie in places other than the rest of your family. It doesn't matter, really. Love isn't about other people, it's about you. It's your love for them, and they can't take it away no matter how little credit they give you.

I know that doesn't make you feel very powerful right now, and you think you're in a lot of pain. But when you stop hurting yourself on their behalf, you'll find that you are are amazing and don't need anything from anywhere else to be so. Your disadvantages may be your greatest advantage. Many people get trapped by their talents and success in situations that they don't feel they can get out of, and are never allowed out because the situations are supposedly "good." A cage made of money and power is much stronger than you would think, because it is clung to no matter how badly you want out. But you are much less likely to be trapped by success and good looks, and will probably see deeper and understand more about the truths of life than they can allow themselves to. You'll almost certainly always be the black sheep, but you'll get much better at it .

Gotta say that's the best post I've read in a long time. Thanks.

[ar81]

You are never alone.
May be "not part of a crowd" but there are people who always want you to be fine, like us. So even in the middle of nowhere, you will not be "alone" in absolute terms.

Loneliness is an illusion, a cheat of your mind.

[brendannz]

Well I notice this is an old post.

It may be helpful to realise that Christmas and the New Year period, are a peak period for depression. Basically this is because everybody's forced to be jolly and happy.. rather than letting it happen naturally..

It's not at all uncommon to be unhappy during the Christmas period. I hope things are better for you now. You're unique, celebrate who you are.