Eye Contact: A case of Dominate or be Dominated?

[Ezekiel2517]

Making eye contact with people until they look away makes me very nervous so I have avoided it all my life. Recently I started experimenting with this to see what would happen and I have been shocked at the results. It seems that the majority of people are aware of the importance of eye contact and do not want to be the first to look away!

I have to stare at most people for about 10 seconds until they submit. I feel very ashamed of doing this, like I'm a big bully. I actually feel even worse when I 'win' the competition. This just feels SO wrong, but at the same time I've realised that there has to be a winner and a loser when two people first meet; that is, someone has to look away first. I believe that this is the way humans establish dominance.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been bullied and treated with disrespect all my life. Since I started to stare at people until they look away, the bullies have backed off and I can sense that some people have more respect for me. I am very uncomfortable with this, however, because I am essentially dominating others for my personal gain. But I do not see any other option; I really feel it is a case of 'dominate or be dominated'. I would be interested to hear what other people think of this from a regular perspective, though I do have a feeling that I might be better off asking this question from a spiritual point of view.

Thanks for you time.

[Trezker]

I think you've locked in to the darkworker perspective on this issue. You think of looking away as a loss, you view eye contact as a competition. For you, eye contact is a fear issue.

In the lightworker perspective, eye contact is about understanding and love. When one looks away it means nothing other than that the person is a little tired of looking in your eyes for a moment. Eye contact is just a tool you use to understand each other better.

In both perspectives, practicing eye contact is to practice of courage. But the goal is different, darkworkers want to reach for power with truth as a little bonus on the side, lightworkers want to reach for truth with power as a little bonus on the side.

[RT Wolf]

Heh, ever see two other animals (eg bears) square off for a challenge? starts with eye contact.

It depends on the intention to bring to this. You seem to equate personal power with abusive power or dominance. Personal power is a calm, cool confidence and allows you to remain powerful without needing to impose it on others. You don't need to get others to submit but you can still hold your own. So, there is a third alternative between the two you have presented. You also do not have to have a "winner" or a "loser" when people first meet and while dominance heirarchies are important in human life (I've written about them on my blog), you do not have to live by those rules if you do not want to. Just have your personal confidence and step out of the game.

Being weak and wimpy is not noble, holy or pure and being strong is not being dictatorial, dominant, abusive, bullying or otherwise. I used to think being strong was to be abusive so I stayed away from it like the plague, but that really leaves you behind.

[LifeWork]

Eye contact can be respectful, too. Rudeness is basically acting like other people don't exist. It's a narcissistic trait to not acknowledge people's existence (I do this too, btw). For example, I aim to acknowledge people when at the gym, if it's not packed full. It's ****ed up if there's only one person besides you in the gym when you walk in and don't even look at them.

If you think you're doing people favors by bending over...well I guess I can't help you on that one. Try smiling while holding eye contact, it makes the situation friendlier.

[Ezekiel2517]

What I noticed is that the people who play the 'eye-contact=dominance game' most intensely are also those who are most likely to bully other people. These are the people whom you need to show from the very beggining that you will not be dominated. Isn't it far easier to set the correct standard from the beggining with a little eye-contact instead of having to defend yourself from more serious attacks later on? Unfortunately, you never can tell on first meeting just who is going to cause you trouble at a later date, so you have to out-stare everyone you meet. You are then free to be a nice-guy without being disrespected.

The phrase 'Unfinished monkey business' really sums this up for me - you can't just run away from your animal nature and go straight to the divine (something I was trying to do for years), you've got to learn the lessons of the lower nature first. I think the film 'Back to the Future' is a good dramatisation of what I'm talking about here.

[MonkeyFace]

Try and smilem a bit with your eyes when you stare at them, or even give a mall smile with your mouth. It helped me when I ahd this problem a few years ago.

[Elrond]

Originally Posted by Ezekiel2517

I would be interested to hear what other people think of this from a regular perspective,

I think the regular perspective/opinion is that eye contact can have friendly or vicious intent, or anything inbetween. For me I interpret strangers looking at me as being nosy, haha.